When I first met James I did know he was a soul mate to me. I felt it. He was too right, too cute, too magnetic, too perfect and felt too familiar to me to be anything other than a soul mate. But I wasn't surprised because by this time I'd met other soul mates. It was becoming my norm! Still I had no idea that he would be think one I've been linked with for so long now. I had no idea I'd be this deeply in love with him.
Every morning I pass by Lucille's, the bar where we met. I drive by the parking lot and more often than not I imagine seeing his black car sitting there with him getting out to walk towards me after I pulled in. I can still see him in my mind's eye- soooooo damn cute. In all ways. I don't even mean just physically. It was his huge boyish disarming smile. He looked SO happy and self-assured and confident, and just seriously happy. He looked like I felt. And he embraced me immediately and said, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be," but it wasn't a come on or a line. It felt totally sincere. He was by far the sweetest man I'd ever met. Everything about him was totally completely 100% perfect.
I ache. I know I know- I say that a lot lately. But I am honoring my feelings and being true to my heart. I ache, and I am allowing myself to go ahead and feel melancholy. All I can do to get through this and stay balanced is to remember James as I knew him for those couple months that he was in my life, and also after he left, the few times when the energy shifted and he was able to be his sweet adorable self again. This guy's love is OVER THE MOON I hope you understand. Right before this "changed" he sent me a photo of himself because I asked to see his smile. He stood holding a sign that read, "I LOVE you!" with this big ole' adorable smile on his face- cutest thing ever. Like totally sweet, kind, heart-on-his-sleeve affectionate and loving. THAT is the man I write about here. THAT is the man who resides in my heart, and THAT is the man I believe in.
A few songs have come my way recently. One is Amy Grant's "I Will Remember You." I heard that one the other day and cried. "Knowing how you made me laugh. Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past. I will remember you." *sigh* He made me laugh all the time. Totally giggle. He is so silly and cute and friendly, and we created a good friendship. "Our love is frozen in time. I will be your champion and you will be mine. I will remember you." I love my friend so very much and I am absolutely aching to speak with that loving sweet friendly man again, my love.
Then yesterday on my drive home I heard a few other songs that really spoke to me. One is "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." Oh I heard this song a few months ago and really listened to it for the first time and I bawled. I feel like he's speaking to me through the entire song, and yes every word is truth for our relationship. It's like he's telling me yes, he's not here right now but I need to tackle my demons and continue to hold him close to my heart. There is a line that says, "Without me girl, cry in the night if it helps, but more than ever, I simply love you more than I love life itself." I feel like I am being told YES go on and cry. CRY if you have to cry. But he also says "I love you more than I love life itself" and I feel this about James- he loves me. He might not be here right now but he loves me.
And he sings, "And never forget I'm your man." Right. He is MY man. He is the only man I want in my life.
In this song the man is "away." And he tells her to stare into space and to picture his face in her hands. And I do. I picture his sweet face in my hands all the time. I can imagine him standing in front of me, my hands on the sides of his face, just looking at him or kissing him. I want to touch his face so much, gently caress his skin and kiss his sweet lips.
I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands should be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Ugh sometimes I ask myself if I am delusional because it's songs like this one that feel like James is absolutely speaking to me, fully, through the words of this song. How he said, "And never forget I'm your man," to me feels like he is reminding me- yes, I am the one for you. You are still the only woman I want, and I want you for me so don't forget that." I know twin soul stuff says we are learning to drop possessiveness and all that but there IS such a thing as pair-bonding. And when two people love each other they don't want to be with anyone else, and they don't want to share their partner. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It's natural. It's biological. It's a healthy love attachment when inspired through love and affection and wanting to be each others "one and only." I feel like even though James isn't here and he can't come right out and tell me- I need to fight through any illusion and always hold on to the truth that if I were ever to stray he'd end up heartbroken and sad. He is wishing I will see past everything and hold on to him, stay committed to our union, and never let go. You don't even know how much of a challenge it is for me to think this way but there's this voice inside of me saying, "He wants you so much. He is sad without you too. Please hold on to him through all of this."
Still though, I honestly cannot achieve that level of joyfulness and happiness that many twin soul people say we have to reach in order to get to union. It's impossible for me. I feel like this song- I do cry in the night. It helps, a little bit. I cry all the time. I want to cry right now, writing this. But how can I not? You tell me. I know he's out there. I feel that he loves me. But I miss him while he is "away." We DID laugh like children. We did live like lovers, sweet lovers. He is my friend. We talked and shared and got so so so close, attached to each other. I miss him to the depths of my soul. He is irreplaceable to me.
He told me he wants me to be the last woman he kissed in his 30s, the first woman he kissed in his 40s, and the last woman he kissed ever. He told me he waited for his destiny to be born before him, and I was by less than a day. He spoke truth to me and it is a truth I refuse to let go of. I know he simply loves me more than he loves life itself, like I love him.
But in order to be good to myself and honor my heart and treat myself gently, I will "cry in the night" without him. I seriously miss my friend and my love. I ache for him, a deep deep ache. I want him back in my arms. I want to talk to him again. I was us to laugh together. I want to hear him gently urge me to share my deepest fantasies with him, to talk about our future together, to have him ask me to tell him my "naughty thoughts" about us and what I fantasize about doing "under the covers," me and him close and intimate and naked and together, loving and wonderful. I've shared the most beautiful love with this man, and I need him back in my life. I do not love him because I need him. I need him because I love him. I fell in love with him and I need him back.
I want him to be the last man I kiss too- the only man I kiss. He was the last man I kissed, and I want to kiss him again. I love how we sat and kissed each other for hours, those sweet adorably gentle kisses. I NEED to kiss my love again.
I am sorry that my blog reads like a bunch of sad sad songs right now, but think about all of the other "artists" out there who create songs and stories that have been born from their own sadness and heartache. That's how I feel right now. I can't keep it inside- I LOVE him so much that I can barely take it. I miss him to the moon and back. All I want in my life, more than anything besides what I already have, is James in my life. I want to marry him and be his happy wife. I want to have a baby with him. I want him to treat me lovingly while I carry our child, and I know he would be so so so caring and loving. I want that experience with him; it is an experience I've never had. I want MY happy family now, with a mommy and a daddy and kids. I want HIM though, only him. I can only envision him as my husband. Only James feels right to me. So yes I still have hope. My heart... my heart can only imagine James holding me at night and smiling at me in the morning and saying "good morning honey" with his cute little grin, in his sweet soft sexy voice.
I miss my Love so much, so so much. I can only pray to God to help be strong enough to handle this ache because it is so deep. I love him so much, and I miss him.
But my heart tells me he feels the same way. Time on his hands should be time spent with me. He wants to share life with me. We are meant to be together.
I guess that's why they call it the blues.
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