*Sigh*

I am having a fine day but still I love him and miss him so much.

I love his kisses.  I love being held in his strong arms.  I love how gently he touches my face before he smiles and kisses me.  I love the feeling of his lips on mine and how he slips his tongue in my mouth like he owns me.  I love the way he feels above me, moving inside of me.

I am dying inside.  I miss him so fucking much that I have to remind myself to breathe sometimes.

I remember how he always wanted to make me feel good in every single way.  How he craves my taste and wants to make sure I am pleasured and made to feel so totally loved and adored, every bit of me heart mind body and soul.  So perfect, such a gem.  He is one in 7.4 billion, unique, irreplaceable.

I miss James' smile.  I love his smiley voice.  He is always so happy and friendly and jovial, a very sweet approachable nature.  So easy to talk to.  My friend.  We became friends quickly.  I love being his friend.  And I miss him something fierce.  Like... I miss him to where I think I might spontaneously combust sometimes.  I fall into bed at night with a sigh like, "Okay I got through another day without bursting into flames and burning into a little pile of bittersweet ashes" because my poor heart aches so strongly that I don't know how I can even exist like this.  But I am.  And I miss him.  I ache to my bones.  I actually look forward to sleeping because it offers some respite from how much I ache for this man.  My love.  He will always be my love.

He is special to me, precious.  And my memories can make me cry.  I look back and remember him writing to me and telling me that having a baby with me is what he wants most.  And I didn't know what to do with that.  I didn't know how to allow him any closer.  So I guess I doubted it but now I think that YES he really has wants to have a baby with me.  And I pray... that is still possible because I want SO badly to be with James as my family and have another baby with him, and I still could.  I dream of him making love with me knowing we are trying to create life together.  How tightly I'd hold him.  How I'd tell him how much I love him and want to have his child, my biggest dream.  It is my biggest dream to have a baby with him, and sometimes that dream kicks the shit out of me right now.  It's hard to address, painful but I am here facing it because yes, it's what I want most in my life right now.  Him and our child are the only things missing from my life right now.  Otherwise I have a good happy life with my own son but I CRAVE and ache and yearn and dream for my FAMILY.  I want my family now, all of us.  I miss James and I dream of us being together as a family, making a baby together.  I'd love to carry his child and know... just how lucky I am to have a life that is half his inside of me.  I know he'd treat me wonderfully while pregnant.  And I want that more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, and yes DESIRING something so strongly does hurt sometimes... because I have to pray and hope and dream and wish for the best, throw the intention out there and PRAY that the possibility is still there.  I want this so badly that I can only try, keep working on it, continue doing what I feel I should in order to allow him back to me.  I feel he wants all this too.  He wants a life with me.  He misses me.  He wants me to be the mother of his child and he knows I'd be the perfect mommy, always loving and aware and sweet and kind.  Which I am.  OMG- yes, it is a dream that makes me ache right now but I won't back off from it.

I can either give in, give up or give it my all, my everything, and I am choosing to give it my everything.  I am not a Leo on accident.  I fight for what I want, and I am fighting even though I don't have solid "proof."  I only have my dreams, and they are dreams I hold close to my heart.  James as my husband and the father of our child.  I want nothing more than to feel his hands on my pregnant belly.  He'd be so super sweet and attentive to me, and I deserve that experience with someone as gloriously wonderful as he is.  And I feel in my heart that he wants to give me that beautiful life.  He wants to fullfil my dreams.  I believe he adores me and cherishes me too, and he wants to show me that.  He did, once.  He treated me like I am precious, because I am.

And so is he.  And I dream... I continue to dream.  I LOVE him so much.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot.  I wish and pray and hope and dream to speak to my love again one day.  He told me he could never go without seeing me again.  He wrote that to me, "Can't ever go without seeing you again," and I believe that is truth.  He wants to see me again, always has, and I pray so hard that I can still allow that to happen.  They say twin souls are always meant to be together no matter what.  I might not pay much attention to the twin soul teachings out there but that is the one thing I want to believe in: there is always a chance as long as I let it happen, work on my energy, focus and intention, allowing only love, always.  Knowing him.  Trusting in the loving sweet kind man who held me gently and kissed me passionately and loved me so so strongly, with respect and care and consideration.  Who treated my son with care too, attentive and perfect.  I want SO SO SO much for James to be PJ's loving sweet kind step-daddy, and I know he would be this for us, and he wants this too.  He met us and knew he'd found the people who were meant to be his family, and I still want that dream!  He told me he didn't know how to be a daddy but he could learn, and that he really liked my son, that my son was not a deal breaker and yes he wants me as his future.  HIS FUTURE.  He called me his future, and I still believe I am meant to be his future and he is meant to be mine.  He spoke my dreams to me and I want those dreams- so I am choosing to focus on my dreams.  Even though I love James to where I miss him every single moment I am awake.  Oh I miss him so much- I ache.  Good Lord!

*Sigh*  I long to hear my love's sweet voice again, to hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet lips.  He is so much a part of me, always in my heart.  He is so so so sweet and kind and gentle and respectful- that is the man I remember because that is how he treated me, 100%.  I believe in him and us, our love.  He adored my soul.  He was patient and waited for me to be ready to share my body while he loved my heart, mind and soul through and through.  He's my angel.

I just wish... to have him back now so this ache could be eased, for both of us because I believe that he aches too.  I pray every day to reach a place where my energy can bring him back to me.  For a shift, for "reunion" which to me means my Love is back in my arms again, or at least I hear from the love of my life again, my sweet dear kind man.  I hope he is well.  I really feel that he wants to be back with me.  My heart is invested in him.  I love my sweetheart with all my heart.

Jennifer