Oh GOOD LORD in Heaven above. I pray and pray and pray to have something shift so this ache can ease because I honestly do not know how to handle it. It's all I can do to not go totally out of my mind bonkers. *deep breath*
I miss you so much. I miss you from the moment I fall asleep at night through on to the minute I awaken, and you are right there back in my mind and heart again. And I don't even ask for it. You are always there. Always. And I love you so very much. All I want to do is hold you and hug you and kiss you so sweetly and lovingly, like Strawberry Fields- I just want to finally be your Strawberry Fields with my arms wrapped around you holding you so tightly, relishing the feel of your body in my arms. I want to love you and be good to you.
I remember what it feels like to hug you. You and I fit well together. You feel so good wrapped up in my arms. Perfect, perfect fit. I ACHE to experience the sensation of feeling you in my arms again, total bliss. I had no idea that the last time I hugged you would be so long ago, and I feel like this ache is never going to go away until you are back in my arms! I don't know what to do because all I can remember is how sweet you were to me, so wonderful. The best man ever, and I want you back.
You treated me and my son with kindness and respect. You included him; you brought him little treats and thought of him. You always asked me how he was doing or what we did together. You told me you thought I was an amazing mother, and you were impressed with how I was raising my son. You could tell I am totally loving and nurturing, and you loved that about me. I love how you made sure to take into consideration and respect my mommy-role. You always respected me being a mother. You came to see me instead of asking me to go out. You were more than willing to visit me at my home knowing that PJ would be there, sleeping or getting ready for bed. I love how you'd come in and wait for me outside his room, so patient. Always so patient and kind! You are unique. There are good men in the world, yes, but you are a rare breed in just how patient and respectful you were with me. And how you made sure to involve my son even though we were only together for a few weeks. Please know how thankful I am to you for being so sweet to us. It is one of the reasons why I love you so very much, and why I will always only believe that you are the caring man who made the effort spent time with us. Only a good dear man would do something as thoughtful.
The fact that you planned that day with me and my son will forever stick in my heart. It was the best day of my life. I wish you were back with us. I miss you so much, and I have not been the same since you've been gone. You really did take a piece of my heart with you and I only want you in my life as my man, my companion, my friend, the love of my life, my husband and part of my loving family.
I don't know what to do with this feeling. It's overwhelming. I guess all I can do is love you from afar, remember us, and pray hard for your return. I need to talk to you. I need to see you again. I need to hug you and touch your face and kiss you gently.
I miss you so very much. When you came into my life I met my dream come true, and ever since you've been gone- my dreams walked away with you. All I want is my dream back, you. You are my dream come true. I love you and miss you with all of my heart. I know you- you are the sweet man who brought me cookies and chocolates. You touched gently and protectively like I am precious to you, like you cherish me. You were patient with me, always very tender and courteous. So very respectful, always. Even when flirting with me or letting me know you desire me you always said the right words, so loving and affectionate and cute and friendly so it felt right, pure and clean and right. You never pushed me- you only waited for me. You relished sitting and kissing me for hours. You enjoyed my presence. You fell quickly in love with me. And you told me if you met just the right woman, fell in love with her, that maybe true love would make you stay here. And I know you meant me, and I know you wanted to stay with me.
I know you. You are the man who took us on the play date to feed the baby alligators and go mini golfing. My son still speaks of you with love because he remembers you spending that time with us, it was probably one of the only time he's ever seen his mommy truly blissfully happy, and it's the only time he's ever seen me happy with a man. You are the only man my son has seen me spend time with, go on a date with, be with where I was happy and treated very well. You are the only man my son remembers making me smile. He saw us kiss for a moment. He's never seen another man treat my that way or make me smile or bring such happiness to me. So thank you for showing my son, even for a moment, how I am made to be loved.
I miss you so fucking much. I wish you were back with me. Every day I wish you were back with me, with us. You are irreplaceable to me, my gift. And I want my gift back. I have missed you and ached for you since the day you left. Since the moment I watched you walk out my door after asking me if I am going to look you in the eyes when we exchange our vows- I have wanted you back in my arms. I've never wanted something more. I've never had an actual dream or wanted something as badly as I want you in my life, to share life with. I want to go shopping with you and make dinner with you, feel your arms around me always, holding hands all the time, in love. Kissy and close and sweet, and making love every night.
You told me you want me as your future, and I still believe that. You told me you want to kiss me good night in person every night and kiss me good morning every morning. You told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever." Your words were always so sweet, honest and genuine. Heart-felt and real, and I believe our love still exists. I believe you still love me as much now as you did then, and I believe you clearly know the fear I am facing down through all of this, and how I am totally unwilling to let go or walk away or give up, and you appreciate that from me. At least that's how it feels to me.
I love you. With my entire heart, mind and soul. You mean the world to me.
Love and hugs,
Jennifer
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