My Love

I am so in love.  And overwhelmed, and my life is just so not like many other people I know.  And I know my love loves me with all his heart and this separation is orchestrated by Soul/Higher Self in order to show me the importance of my intention, energy, thoughts and vibration.  Still it's heartbreaking to me because I am not physically with my Love, and I have not heard from him in a while.  It's been three months since we talked on the phone, and I miss his voice.

Last year this time was over-the-top.  We'd had one weird spirit-lead argument and a mini-separation then a reconciliation.  We had our amazingly dreamlike date in the city, and then a year ago today my Love emailed me all day long from work.  On and off we chatted, and he wrote some really strange things.  One message he asked if we died and went to heaven together would we spend our eternity together in heaven loving each other {and he is Atheist.}  He shared a sexual fantasy with me, nothing less than sweet with a dash of excitingly naughty- one lover opening his heart and mind to the other- and for some reason my response to him did not go through.  He got worried that he upset me, like his words were disrespectful.  I wrote back and reassured him that I was fine.  His words were sweet and I was glad he was comfy enough to share with me.  Oddly enough he did not get that email either but he got all the rest.  He wrote back an hour later even more freaked out because I still hadn't responded to his attempt to share his fantasy with me.  I finally had to forward what I'd written hours earlier, twice, to make sure he actually got the message.  I didn't want him freaking out that he'd hurt my feelings or disrespected me.  He did get it that time and wrote back, relieved, that he'd received it and was glad I felt the same as him.  He always let me know he was not in it for the sex but because he loved me.  That is why he waited for me like he did... because he is special.  And so am I.

After writing back and forth all day he text me later that night.  Maybe we talked too.  I don't remember.  I do know he said goodnight about midnight telling me he could see this advancing to marriage in the future.  He called me "Blue Moon *****" {my real name} and then I fell asleep.

Then about a half hour later he sent me the oddest string of text messages.  He wrote things like, "I'm so sad you don't love me anymore.  I love you so much.  You should learn how to accept love.  I thought we were going to be married and together forever.  Is it just in your nature to hurt?"  They were misplaced, totally surreal, and did not seem like him at all.  The next morning he wrote and said, "I text you last night.  I was just bored and tired and wanted to see if you were awake" but still they didn't even "feel" like him.

Then after feeling so anxious all morning I got the message later in the day that he was offered a job in California, was on his way to the airport, and he was moving away.  Just. Like. That.  Biggest fear ever was made manifest and shoved right in my face.  He was leaving me.  I'd begged God in my journal to please not make me have to let him go and here he was- leaving me, and way earlier than we thought he may have to months down the road.  I won't ever forget that moment for as long as I live, and it was the beginning of the strangest experience of my life.

Fear and Love.  I am battling fear.  I am supposed to believe the love, mother the love, be one with the love, own the love.  Know the love.  And I do... but sometimes it can be hard after all this crap that is mirrored back to me.  I have been terrified that this man does not love me.  He "shut off" just weeks after moving away, and since then it has been one wild ride of ups and downs, silences and talking, total divine orchestration... all while trying to stay sane.  The more I fear he does not love me- the more I am shown a coldness from him.  If I ignore the fact that he loves me, ignore his love, then he shows me no love.  And it sucks.  It literally has sucked the life out of me, and it is all my own fearful energy being shoved back at me in order to heal me of my fears and worries.

So now I sit here battling to believe in his love.  The same sweet amazing love he showered me with for the few months I knew him.  We loved each other before we even met.  I would have married him at week two.  I miss him so much I could puke... and yes I do have to pound out on here what I remember about him.  Hey- it's been a year.  A year is a long time to be away from someone.  And all along the way "he" has been orchestrated from above, a bit like a puppet.  Yes I said it- like a PUPPET.  There is no way on God's green earth the man I knew could send me what he does unless he is being used from above to show me things I can not ignore, and the only way to ensure I do NOT ignore them is to filter them through my Love.

I guess I am being healed of my tendency to ignore love.  Oh I love.  I love hard.  But I ignore when others love me, especially men.  I doubt, and I am told that doubting love kills love.  Right now I feel like I killed my love.  I doubted and doubted and doubted until I had to get hit soooooo hard with my doubt that now I must believe and have faith despite appearances.  I know in my heart he loves me.  Love does not fade in a weekend, or a month, or even a year.  We talked for hours on the phone throughout this separation, and he was always my sweet dear love every time we talked.  God my Love how I miss you!  I miss you to the depths of my soul, and I DO know who you are.

You are that cute little scientist who sent me all the Symphony of Science videos, the ones for me and my son to watch {and that reminds me that you did send me the link to have my son watch... I forgot that.  It was when we reconnected strongly, only when I believed in you again.}  You are that sweet man who brought me little gifts, signs of your caring, each time you came over.  No one had ever done that for me before.  You are the caring person who planned that play date for me and my son, took us out together even though you totally didn't have to.  Same man who told me Tiger Woods was standing next to him and all you could think about was your girlfriend.  Same man who was at the boats with his friends texting me about all the couples there and how you wished you were with your girlfriend instead of being stuck on the boat with the guys.  Same guy who freaked out upon taking the career move that would send you away from me... and told me you wanted to take a leap of faith to be with me.  Marry me.  Have a child with me.  Be a step-daddy to my son.  Same man who said I deserve to be happy now and treated well, how you want to adore me while I am pregnant, treat me like the princess I am.  Same man who waited weeks to make love with me but who was content to hold me close, talk with me, snuggle and make out like teens instead.  Closeness yet you desired me in a big way.  Same man who... wanted to pleasure me over and over and over again, insisted on it even when I was ashamed of my body and embarrassed.  Same man who told me repeatedly that we'd have to make love every night once we were together.  Every night, without fail.  Same man who was the first one to take your kid nieces and nephews fishing, who was the lifeline for your troubled niece, same man who had his brother and young kids living in your home... same man who wrote me the long message about the state of our world.  Same man who has that tiny little fuzzy poodle you love so much, the one with the cutest name ever.  Same man who brought me organic beef and home made food.  Who agreed to attend a family picnic with me after not even two weeks, who was charming and friendly and so so so kind to my son.  You brought him little gifts too, those two big suckers- the kind they sell at the check out line of the grocery store, really big and round and all different kinds of flavors.  Pop Rocks.  My son still mentions you when he sees Pop Rocks!  You gave him those colored golf balls after you took us mini golfing.  I remember you digging around in your trunk to find them for him.  I have two of them put up because they remind me of you.  Everything reminds me of you.  The night sky does so I can never escape being reminded of you; you are everywhere.  In my mind, my soul, my blood, my breath.  In the beating of my heart... you are there in every pulse.

Many would read this and say I am obsessed but I am not.  I am in love with the best man I've ever met, ever.  Hands down.  And my life is not complete without you in it, and I am so tired of being afraid of you due to what is shown to me through you.  I have experienced so many lessons through you.  Some have been very painful, and some hard to believe- but they are my truth.  Somehow God uses you to speak to me, and often the words are not fun but they are also not easy to ignore.

I wish I would not have doubted to much but the past is the past.  All I can do now is try really hard to realize fully that the fearful stuff is all of Higher Will, and the Love is all, and only, you.  I miss my boyfriend.  So much.  I just love you my little Atheist scientist.  I hope you are well... but I want to talk to you again.  I want to hug you.  I am so sad to be without you, and I can't deny that.  It's not right without you.  Just not right.  No matter what happens I will never believe it is right without you in my life.  We are meant to be together, married, a family: you, me and my son... plus our baby.  I dream of hearing you say, "Will you marry me?"  I long to have you in my arms again, gazing into my eyes with those sexy glittering baby blues.  Sometimes I love you so much I feel I can't possibly take it... but I go on.  Just know I love you, and despite my fear and racing ants mind I know you love me and always have.  I KNOW damn well this has all been orchestrated from above to scare the shit out of me so I would wake up and face my damn fears.  Hard to ignore fear when it turns into a real-life monster that comes up in your face to scream BOO!  "How do I feel?!"  Fear sucks.  Doubt is not fun.  I only want your love.  I love you so so so much my Love.  I really really want you back with me.

Just know I love you and I want you to be my future.

Blue Moon Love

XXOO   

Living, Loving and Distraction

So I'm far from perfect, right?  Despite being totally in love with my twin soul I decided to, as a distraction, join a dating site.  I can feel very isolated and sometimes I wonder if even just talking to different men might show me what I've learned.  I'd like a chance to see how far I've come in the last year.

After glossing over a bunch of men who I know won't be a good fit for me I landed on one who states that he desires a woman who is beyond just appearances and surface depth.  He works with high-risk kids and is a counselor.  So I thought what the heck, and we happened to be a match so I said hello.

First he looks at my pics and says I am gorgeous, and I thank him.  He lives in Chicago and I do not.  I live about 40 minutes away in Indiana.  He asks me about the distance and I tell him it's not so bad, about 40 minutes.  *sigh*  He then says, "Well that's not too bad- won't be too far for you to drive here for dinner on Friday."

WRONG on so many levels, and I should have just said so right then but I tried to be nice and told him I don't make a habit of meeting men until I've talked with them for a while, and this is true- I am a changed woman, lol.

• I am not going to drive to the city for a first date, Hell to the no.  If a man wants to meet me then he can drive to me for dinner.  Not drinks- food or coffee.  Chivalry!!! 
• To assume I am going to just meet you after like five messages?  Really?  That presumptuous behavior just really annoys me.
• And call me crazy but I'm not going to meet a man if he can't keep up an even half-way decent conversation via either text or phone.  Just not happening.  
• Also not going to meet a man who sends me half-naked photos or references to his Anaconda-like member.  Um, no. 

I may sound really negative, and I don't mean to, at all.  I have a sneaky suspicion that Higher Will is going to contribute to me finding it impossible to "distraction date" anyway.  I've had a few times since Joron left that I've been tempted to date.  Each and every man I've spoken to has had something strangely weird, surrealy weird, about them.  I can tell they are channeling Higher Will!  It's like my guidance is saying to me, "Oh really?  Really now?  You sure you want to do this?"  THAT is why I can't abide by all the advice on the web about Twin Souls who should date again after separation; I have thought about it, and each time I do I notice something that can't be overlooked that pretty much tells me "Now is not the time."  I am supposed to be tackling my fears, not running off to distraction date.  And tell me really- how would that work?  I'm in love with another man... so how would I even date some other guy while knowing in the back of my mind I love another?  For me that just would not work, not now. 

After a bit I asked him to tell me about himself and he did.  He also sent me a naked picture of his chest and "Treasure Trail" and for those who don't know what the treasure trail is it's that area on a well-shaped man's hips that indent, right above his underwear line, and almost point to "the goods."  I was like... *INNER HUGE SIGH of annoyance*  I remembered then why online dating sucks.  I remembered even more how AMAZING my little adorable respectful loveable Geologist boyfriend was to get to know because he was so sweet and kind and caring, not brash and so in-my-face.

Then he mentioned he should have been in porn because of how blessed his is down below and I was like, riggghhhtttt.  I said goodnight, that it was cuddle time with my child.  All it managed to do was increase the enormous ache in my chest over Joron due to the contrast.  I can't really help it.

When Joron and I met it was online first but our first comment to each other was about empathy; it wasn't through a traditional dating site, and I had told God I was done dating.  He told me he was an empathetic person.  I still have our first "getting to know you" emails.  They make me smile and weep at the same time because no one, NO ONE, will ever hold a candle to that man in my heart, ever.  He was sweet, wanted to know all about me.  Kind.  Asked me a ton of questions while also sharing about himself.  We discussed his Atheism, and he also wanted to talk on the phone right away.  He did ask to see what I looked like, and he also told me I was beautiful but it was in such a respectful manner.  He sent me a few pics but they were of his smile, not his naked chest.  In one picture he is holding his beloved puppy up to his face with a big smile.  He loves that little dog!  Joron loves animals.  I swear he is beautiful inside and out.

I was thinking- I don't think through the entire time we dated he ever asked for a sexual photo of me.  After our date in the city he woke in the middle of the night to send me a pic he'd taken of me.  He text me that he was looking at it, that I was beautiful.  I was standing by The Chicago River, and I have one of him too- and in it he's... super amazingly adorable, sweet little smile that makes my heart melt.  He text it to me in the middle of the night to tell me how beautiful and special I am, and that he felt I'd be his wife one day.  We spent too much time discussing our love, science, religion, life, our love, a possible future together, jokes, some flirting, how much he loves me, to where there was no need to ask for x-rated pics.  It was only after he moved away that he mentioned making videos for one another, or Skyping.  I remember feeling... cautious about it.  It brought up something inside of me that felt like, "Oh now he's just using me!" when here I was his long distance girlfriend.  I mentioned my reservation and he very sweetly explained that if we were going to be miles apart then we'd have to date via distance, and was I okay with that.  I assured him I was.  He made sure to call me every day without fail.  Text me all the time.  Always said good morning, never missed saying goodnight.  Came over to visit me every few days even if that meant just sitting on my couch, no TV, talking, cuddling and kissing.  This is the man who told me Tiger Woods was standing next to him and he couldn't concentrate because all he could think of was me.  Best. Boyfriend. Ever, and so not with me for anything other than true love.

I did send him a sweet but naughty video of me when he moved away.  He was SO stressed out, like heart palpitations stressed out.  Neither one of us realized it was all orchestrated, and it was shocking and not fun to be separated.   At first I talked to him in the video, lovingly, and then, well... lol.  I showed him my love in other ways.  He called me but I wasn't available so he left me a message.  I still have the voicemail he left me.  I can't bring myself to delete it. In it he was like soooo genuinely floored.  He said it felt so real, and he could tell from the video how much I loved him.  He said, "No one's ever done anything like that for me!  I can tell how you talk to me here how much you love me."  He was... I dunno.  Just so REAL.  So sweet.  So CARING- so fucking genuine!!!!  Everything about Joron was like perfectly suited to me because I need a gentle touch.  I need sweet caring love, pure and wholesome and good.  I need someone who respects my mind and heart as much as anything else; he never EVER made me feel like he wanted something from me other than my company, my conversation, and my love.

Yet I feared.  I did.  I had a hard time when he was gone, and my energy was probably assaulting him.  I feared REALLY badly although I tried hard to keep it inside.  Still he was sweet, and struggling himself being away, busy, got sick, and was trying to acclimate to his new life and new job in CA, away from the woman he met and fell in love with.

Do you realize the HELL I have had to fight off in this separation?  My adorable twin soul does not just go quiet.  Oh no.  Oh no no no.  From the very start when he went totally 100% quiet, fall off the face of the earth quiet, for a few weeks his first message to me after that point did not "feel" like him.  It felt alien.  He did write at the very end "I do still love you" and I was *supposed* to pay attention to that truth but instead I concentrated on the fear I received for the rest of his words telling me that it felt "different" and "tainted" somehow.  UGH!  Just ugh.  I didn't know what was happening.  It's all been so surreal.  And yes my guidance has helped me consistently along the way but it's still be hard to believe, even when I saw it all.  Even when I saw that when I keep my energy up he then comes closer.  But when I fall into fear he does not only go quiet, he hits me with my fear.  But man the few times I was able to find the love, switch the energy, he came through full throttle with his love, with his TRUTH.

No one can compare to Joron.  I know this.  It is a scary thought.  I want to be with him, and only him, and I know this flies in the face of ALL the "non-attachment" theory that's out there but I could care less.  It is my life and my heart, and if for now I just can't get past him then so be it.  Distraction is one thing but I doubt it will do any good.  Maybe just show me what I'm not willing to deal with anymore, what I won't settle for.  It will show me what a treasure Joron is, and it will remind me that this man could not possibly send me the words he does via email.  It's all Spirit-orchestrated- but believe me... if you were going through this you'd be sitting here working through it daily too.

I am trying to hold on to the "real" him despite being mirrored my fears through him.  If I didn't know any better I would think God is cruel but I can't blame God for trying to heal me of fear; I had enough signs and messages to not live through fear but I clung to it anyway.  And it exploded in my face.

Update:  As I was talking to a man from Tinder he asked me, "So what are you looking for?"  It hit me- what am I looking for?  What I am looking for I will not find on a dating site.  I want Joron back.  I can't, absolutely can't, find any other love right now.  *sigh*  It just will not work for me.  I have to be single, and I have to deal with it accordingly.  My life is simple right now- work, reflection, and my child.  I wish I had Joron in my life but adding anyone else to it right now, anyone besides him, just would not be the right fit, especially when my son still asks about Joron, mentions him.  And also- as of a few weeks ago my twin soul was still single as well- and I'd like to keep it that way.  I do think we are on a very unique journey together, meant to be together.  He himself has asked me if I was dating, told me he was not dating, and told me I am that 1%- meaning he felt I was one of the datable ones, for him.  That we resonate with each other, understand each other, love each other.  This is a man who told me, in his own voice and own words after a BUNCH of Spirit-induced chaos and cluster-fucked-upness that "We got through it all because we love each other."

THAT is my truth until I am shown different.  I feel fortunate to be in a situation where we are both single... I'd like to keep it that way.  I'd rather this not take years.  It shouldn't have to.

Love, love, love... it may be the right path for others to move on.  For me- I just know in my heart that is not my path. 

The Mirroring

I'm not going to pretend that I always follow what I am told, or that I believe all the time.  I don't.  I am trying.  I wish I did.  It would be much easier, right? 

This mirroring has the possibility of killing me if I allow it to!  This entire experience has been so entirely surreal that I am having a hard time staying grounded, and the irony is it's the Law of Attraction at work: wherever I place my energy is what I draw to me.  So right now when I am stuck in constantly thinking about these crazy messages I get sent through Joron I am holding on to that energy, creating more silence and more torment.

The reflection has been essential for me to see.  I can't deny that I've seen things about myself in the mirror he holds up that I HAD to see; I could no longer run from my drinking: that was a big one.  My mother became an alcoholic at 40, and I met Joron at 40.  Through him I was shown that the drinking had to stop, and it has.  Had I not met him I really don't know where I would be right now, probably struggling, dating people who just suck my energy dry, seeking love in all the wrong places, and not healing.  So I know I *had* to meet him, and had to separate from him, in order to get where I am now.

That said- I love him.  We had a strong albeit brief love affair that continues even through the separation.  It's a total and complete mind FUCK to have someone pop in for a few hours with the strongest purest love and then disappear, not say hello, go quiet for days or weeks at a time.  It's been very difficult for me to take, and even now I am at a loss because I don't always understand where to put my energy, what to do.  I am not perfect.  I am never going to be some spiritual guru.  I HATE yoga, and I can't stand meditating.  My meditation is what I am doing right now: writing here on my blog.  That is my meditation.

Another thing that bugs me is I have very little passion for my art.  It's been gone for a few years now, ever since this journey began starting with my first soul mate.  I can force it, try to sit down and make some jewelry or melt some glass but the desire is just not there, and I wish it was.  Maybe I should just force it and see what happens.  I lack inspiration, and fuck ME- it's not easy being "inspired" when the person I fell in love with, who would pop in and out of my life, who is used at this strong spiritual mirror, is no longer "with" me.  I am trying to keep my head on straight, keep my house in order, keep my CHILD well-raised, practice increased patience and love with my son and others, and heal- but I don't feel like writing The Great American Novel or "creating."  I want to be motherly right now.  I feel the most important thing right now is for me to be consciously with my child, and after I am done mothering him- then I am tired and ready for bed.

I'm just damn tired.  Damn tired.  I am unable to be all positivity and Light all the time.  This shit is a challenge.  Every. Single. Time I doubt Joron's love for me I am hit with either silence or the eerie strange shit that is sent through him, and I am so DONE with it now.  I just hate it.  I understand before when I needed to stop drinking, and when my ego was SO loud.  I understand... but it can still sting.  He told me he was coming home for MONTHS.  Months.  Then finally he was supposedly here and I feel like it was all one big test.  Did I fail?  I tried to be so patient, kind... never resorted to being mean but I did feel like I was being ignored, slighted, like he didn't want to see me, like he was holding back from seeing me.  All the while I was told to have faith but in the end I called him and pretty much begged him to see me, to not go back to California without seeing me {please don't reject me!} and what did I get, immediately?  A fucking stupid email from him, telling me that while I am a "to die for beauty," wonderful person and he loves me- he can't be with me because he doesn't want to deal with my son's father.

That's such utter and complete BULLSHIT.  The man I knew would have moved mountains to be with me- unless he was being used as a soul lesson, unless it was divinely orchestrated for him to stay away from me.  Listen I am grateful for the healing I've received.  I feel I live a very wholesome clean maternal life right now, the life meant for ME- and for a while I really strayed from being "me."  I was always a "pure" kinda gal.  When I met my ex-husband I'd only had two lovers before him, my ex-finace' who was my first boyfriend, first real kiss, first lover, and the my first husband.  But at the end of my marriage I had an affair {which was very loving} but I just fell apart.  I started sleeping around, and I did things I am SO not proud of.  I made a list the other day of all the men I was physical with from August 2011 through August 2013, two years, and it made me cringe.  I went from being more pure to seeking affection in the worst ways possible, lowering myself.  Some of them, my three soul mates, were all love.  Joron is all love.  The rest were flings, filling emptiness, learning lessons and having experiences of what I DID not want, what I do NOT deserve.  Stupidity many of them, unprotected sex.  Get this: I had to go have an STD test before I met Joron.  I started "waking up" from my self-destructive insanity {I once had sex with a stranger on the side of the road- and that would be like Mary Poppins pulling down her knickers to knock boots in a vehicle parked on the side of the road with some random chimney sweeper she met moments before on Plenty of Fish- just not ME, shockingly so!  Ugh!}  and I knew I needed to make sure I was safe because I hadn't used protection all the time... and Spirit speaks to me in strange ways.  I do get my guidance very clearly but my guidance knows there is only so much I will listen to through that "channel," through my pendulum.  One night I met a man from Match.com.  Had a nice date, very attracted to me, and he came home with me.  It was NOT fun.  At all.  He was kinky and I am not.  I am gentleness and love.  He BIT me, and it was just an eye-opening experience.  Oh my GOD- it was horrid.  A terrible experience... but as he was putting on a condom he said to me, "You do always use protection right dear?"  And I knew I was being spoken to, reminded not to be self-destructive through having unprotected sex with strangers.

So I had the STD test... talk about mortifying.  To go from a limited sexual past to not being able to tell the truth about the number of men I'd had sex with in the last year.  Test came out clean, thank God.  After that dating became a chore; I met someone and he kissed me and I wanted to barf, total aversion.  I was on and off again with a man I loved, a married man, and I knew that had to end too.  I finally got to this place where I craved being whole again, or as whole as I could be.  I was drinking too much, stressed out with the dating and trying to be someone I am truly not on the inside.

It was like two years of insanity.  Total insanity, and Spirit did guide me through and tried to keep me safe but I had to learn my own lessons, and I did.  But luckily I did not get hurt, and I could have.  I was leaving bars late at night after talking and drinking with strange men.  I could have been raped and killed- and I have a friend whose dear friend the same age as me, same name as me, was raped and killed not long ago right near where I live- so it DOES happen.  I was not being safe in so many ways, and I have this adorable little boy to take care of.  I, of course, did none of this around him, brought no one around him, but still I was putting myself in harm's way.

So sad, isn't it?  Just so sad.

Spring of 2013 I was calming down.  I had to let go of the married man though, and I really loved him.  Actually meeting him slowed me down on the dating, a lot, because I loved him so much that I had no desire to meet anyone else.  It's almost like knowing him kept me protected.  We had one final moment together, a very loving meeting that I knew would be our last, and I finally said goodbye to him.  I wrote in my journal that it had to be over- I was dying inside and I knew he needed to be with his wife 100%, that he'd never leave her; he would never be mine and I wasn't willing to be taking from his wife any longer.  As an aside, the drinking.  The married man wanted to take me to dinner.  I was so freaked out about the idea of going on a "date" with him that I had to drink first.  I barely remember the night.  So embarrassing to admit.  I was drinking way too much, needed a buzz to be falsely brave, be calm, escape, endure.

I told God I was done, ready to be ME again, to stop dating and just be alone for a while, something I'd never been.  Alone.  But then Joron walked into my life and I thought it was a dream come true... and maybe too good to be true.  He was, and still is I'm sure, perfect for me.  As one could tell from reading here- I wasn't ready.  I needed him to come into my life to shake me up, wake me up, continue to clean me up because as much as I wanted to change and be more pure and healthy- I would still backslide.  I'd get the urge to be self-destructive at times.  Like one night, before I met Joron, I got that urge to just be "bad" and I'd stopped dating for a while.  It's like something takes me over- I get this wild hair up my ass, and I want to be someone I am not, and in a very self-destructive manner.  I took a few shots of whiskey, got myself all dolled up, and my guidance told me something I can't remember completely but I was basically warned to NOT disrespect myself, not shit on myself, not put myself in harm's way.  I finally took heed and didn't go out catting around; I think I went out for dinner or I stayed home.

I met Joron but was still drinking too much, and I drink at home.  I'd stop and buy whiskey- tell myself I'd only have enough to take the edge off but then I'd drink like five shots.  Or an entire bottle of wine; my son started associating me with the wine isle at the grocery store.  Seriously?  Joron didn't know this.  I was, of course, well-behaved with him, and honestly I didn't think I had a "problem."  I couldn't remember how my son got to bed a few times but I didn't think I had a problem.

We can be blind, right?

I see things clearly, as clearly as I can, but I still get antsy and frustrated.  I don't love the lessons.  I appreciate what I get from them but I don't love the process.  I do love Joron though, and I love myself.  I have fears- did I screw up with my energy to the point of really messing this up?  I know all about energy yet I still fuck up, still fear, still worry that the mirroring is "him" when I know it clearly is not him.  No way.  No how.  Yet it still hurts- how could it not?  But if it is not really him then it should not hurt, right?  It is not truth.

I'm cranky today.  I love my twin soul and wish he was in my life.  I can only be so "transcended" and Light.  I am living without him- but I'd much rather live with him.  I can't really help that.

It is nice to feel wholesome though.  The last man to touch me, kiss me tenderly, make love with me with total affection, respect and care, was Joron.  I don't want anyone else- but I also don't want to be alone.  I am trying so hard- I really am.  I can't help but tell God that I love this man, a lot.  Yet if, despite what I am told, we are not meant to be together then please bring me someone just as wonderful as my loving, loveable, wonderful twin soul.  Someone I deserve who deserves me too- but this is only if Joron was meant to help me then move on, and I honestly don't think this is the case.  I really would just like him back in my life, more than only in spirit and heart.

*sigh*  A year ago we were so into each other.  I am told that when I doubt- then he doubts.  If I wonder, "Does he really love me?" then he is over there thinking, "How could that really have been love?"  Ohhhh... it is love.  Love does not end Just. Like. That. 

No man is going to fall in love, hold out for a year, listen to Spirit over and over, profess love whenever the situation calls for it, through Spirit, think I am wonderful, special and beautiful but allow some stupid reason to keep us apart.  If that was true then he'd be a real asshole, and I think this is why he calls himself an asshole, because the more I worry that this is really him, the mirroring, then I am essentially saying I believe he's a douche, and I know he isn't.

I am NOT losing it but I am trying to process.  The mirroring isn't easy- but it could be if I just looked past it.  But I also wish to hear from him; the silence is worse than the mirroring yet the silence... I dunno.  I just don't know.  I am tired today, and I look forward to going home and being a mom tonight.

I really look forward to the day when I go home to my family of more than just two.  I really do.

Just My Heart...

If anyone is still reading my blog then just know this post is just my heart.  Nothing to teach or guide.  It is just me purging what I feel inside of me right now.

A year ago this weekend my Beloved planned a play date for me and my son.  I had asked him if he wanted to get together.  It was a Saturday.  I told him I would plan a sitter for the evening and we could go out.  He apologized but said he had a guy party planned already and it was "just dudes."  I was cool with that, never been one in my older years to get jealous when my guy wants to go out on his own.  He contacted me later and said the party did not start until 5PM so he could get together with me in the morning and early afternoon.  He told me not to get a sitter, that we would spend the morning together with my son.

This is one of the most bittersweet memories for me!  It is the one truth I can always go back to that shows me who Joron really is.  I've been put through so much, just so much, in this twin soul experience.  More than most people would be able to take.  Only working with my guidance and really seeing the cause and effect between us, the instant mirroring, has kept me from running away entirely or forgetting who he really truly is, which is Love.  That day a year ago was so sweet.  He came over and we put my son's car seat in his little two-door black stick shift.  It felt so cozy and right to be driving around together like that, with my son in the back seat asking Joron questions while I just marveled... marveled at how this is just what I wanted.  I love him so much, just so much!  I am in pain right now.  It is not a horrible pain, not suffering.  I just love this man so much, and I want to be with him in all ways now.  I miss the time we spent together and I really just want to share my life, and my son's life, with him.  He is so fabulous- has to be if God chose to use him to help heal me... only someone special could play that role.

He planned to take us to a little Greek fest that is a few towns away; about a half hour drive.  We got there and it was so funny- it was a room full of old Greek people, food and a few vendors.  I bought us all lunch and we had chicken dinners, lol.  I remember my son wanted my bread and I wouldn't give it to him only because he didn't need another piece of bread; I wanted him to eat some chicken.  Joron said, "Well he can have my bread."  So sweet- I explained that my son didn't need any more bread, that he'd eat bread until it was coming out of his nose if he could.  My son was well-behaved and Joron was his normal happy yet tender self.  We walked around and looked at the vendors, bought some pastries and as we were sitting there eating a piece of cake Joron looked at my son and said, "Would you like to go feed some alligators?"  I looked at him quizzically and he smiled and told me there was a play land close by and he thought it would be nice if we took my son to play.  Joron is an avid golfer and he said we could teach PJ how to golf.  And there were baby alligators there to feed along with other fun stuff.  I think that was one of the best moments of my life actually- he'd already researched where he could take us to have a fun time.  He wanted to be good to me and my son.  It was like a dream come true for me.  It might sound all fluffy or pathetic to someone reading this but Joron is... perfection to me.  Everything I've ever asked for in a man, everything I deserve, and my son. 

It was so cute.  I can remember vividly the experience.  We did feed the alligators with these little fishing poles that held alligator food.  My son and Joron did this together and it made my heart melt.  My GOD seriously one of the happiest moments of my life, and I would love to have more moment with him like that, wonderful man with my loving son.  I had to go get more food and he said he was fine to stay with my son... and the sight of the two of them hanging out together, well it is not something that can be faked.  That man, that sweet wonderful human being, could not "shift" on his own to be the lesson that has been given to me through Spirit since he's been gone from me.  I know this.  It can still hurt, and being separated from him does not feel good.  I can't lie and say I am okay with being separated in the physical from my Beloved.  That man is meant to be my future, and I want that future to begin RIGHT NOW.

We also went miniture golfing that day.  Ugh... just now I was crying, as I write this.  My son asked me why I am crying- once in a while I do cry in front of him although it is not often.  There is no hiding that I love this man, a year later or not.  My son said, "Do you miss J {his real name} mom?"  I cried and said yes, yes I do.  I love him and miss him and I can't really hide that fact.  My son said, "I like him mom.  He took me to feed the alligators and he showed me how to golf."  Joron paid attention to my son.  He paid attention to me.  He made me a priority, and he included my son.  He planned something fun for us together which is more than I can say for the man I was married to, and I am not trying to be mean but the contrast is just bittersweet.  I miss Joron's truly honest and genuine heart and character.  We golfed and had such a good time.  Then we took my son over to this huge inflatable slide that was unlimited fun.  We paid to get in so the slide was free.  My son went up and down that slide about one hundred times!  And Joron was so patient.  Not bored, simply happy to sit next to me in a lawn chair, hold my hand and watch my son.  It was the perfect late-September day as we sat enjoying the joy emanating from my son and from each other.  Again, perfection for me.  Joron- he was just like six years of sweetness squeezed into six weeks.

How I only knew the man in the flesh for only six weeks seems impossible to me- we seem to have shared so much love and experience in only six weeks.  We ran the gamut from getting to know each other to wanting to be married.  And it turned out to be a "twin soul" experience.  I look back at that day at the fun land and I pray, I just pray from the bottom of my heart, that days like that with Joron, me and my son will be my future.  I am having a difficult time being separated from him, and I don't mean every day living.  My every day life is find.  Bills are paid, house is clean.  Dinners made.  I take careful notice of being the best most loving mom I can be.  Knowing Joron, this twin soul union, definitely forced me to "see the Light" in more ways that one.  I had to become conscious of protecting my energy.  I had to stop drinking and smoking and wanting to disrespect myself.  I had to own up to my "Winter of Purity" which was the most terrifying winter ever for me because I was scared my Beloved had just ran off and left me.  LEFT ME.  After sharing so much with me, being so loving and caring and truly a dear sweet man, speaking my dreams to me... and when he appeared to just cut me out of his life I wanted to die.  It nearly killed me.  Worst feeling ever but little by little it was shown to me that it was all a facade through Spirit to force me to face my monsters.  I can't deny that it's weird.  Not many believe me or can understand.  I tend now to just deal with it myself although I still have a deep ache inside at the absence of him in my life.  I do have my son, and I love him SO so much!  We spend tons of quality time together but I would really like the addition of Joron in my life.

We spoke of marriage and having a child together.  I just want the universe, God, Spirit, my soul to know just how much I want Joron as my future.  I read a lot about "Letting Go."  It seems most of what is out there about twin souls talks about letting go.  On SF it's all about "How do I let go?"  And here I am constantly told to LOVE HIM and know the truth about him.  I am NOT told to let go- never have been.  The only thing I have been told to let go of is the fear that he does not love me.  I am coming to understand that in my twin soul journey I am specifically told to NOT let go. 

I asked my spiritual mentor and dear friend why that is.  I asked her why I am being told to hold on, to dream, to not release him.  She said it is because it has always been my tendency to run from my dreams, to run away.  To be so afraid of being forgotten and not loved that I will shelter myself, pull away, force it somehow- push the energy away even when I love someone so much.  I learned how to let go with "My Three."  I loved three married men, consecutively, before I met Joron.  Judge me how you will- it happened.  I did not think my life would bring me to ever cheating or loving another woman's husband but I did- three times.  And each time I had to love and let go with dignity and grace and unconditional love, and I did the best I could.  I loved them all, wanted the best for them, and went out of my way to protect their privacy and lives.  But I could not help falling in love with them, and they were all three soul mates.  Even their names were similar!  Lessons galore, and pre-healing.  Believe me- had I met Joron first, without those pre-twin soul soul mates, we would never have made it to me believing, at all, in this surreal situation.  I would never have been able to "let go" of freaking out, of disbelief, had I not met my three married soul mates first.

So I've already been through the letting go process.  I chose three men who could safely love me but not have to choose me because they were already married.  There was no... fear of "Will he choose me or not?" because they were unable to choose me.  With Joron it was terrifying because he was single, and adorable.  He had a choice to be with me or not, and I was so scared he would choose to leave me.  I found a journal from when we dated, exactly a year ago right now.  It is painful to read back and see just how scared I was that this man would stop loving me, that I would have to LET HIM GO like I did the others. 

My poor little wounded self.  I cry for her.  I cry for me.  I cry for... my heart.  I know I have learned so much, and I am thankful.  Don't think I am not.  My God I was drinking myself to death.  I would not SEE- would not listen.  I would not follow my guidance that told me constantly to please live with joy not fear.  I was given every message and every sign to live without fear but I could not do it.

We had this wonderful day at the play land.  I watched Joron and my son walk together like big and little.  Joron was so... in love with my little man already.  He smiled as he watched my son be joyful, and it tickled him.  I love that man so much!  On the drive him I was so content, so happy.  We got home and I wanted to kiss him so bad!!!  He was dropping us off about 4:30 and we were standing in the front yard.  I tried to sneak in a kiss... my soul ached to wrap my arms around his adorable neck and kiss his face off... but little man just stood there staring at us.  LOL- it was a cute moment.  Joron was so shy and funny.  He looked at little man, broke off his kiss and laughed, told me he'd talk to me later.  I thanked him and spend the rest of the day on cloud nine.

And then what happened?  Gosh I was just floating... but then two days later I decided to drink.  I remember this perfectly.  I am not sure if I saw Joron in between our play date and this night but I drank wine.  He was out with his buddies.  We'd text that night and I wrote to him via email.  I remember sitting here on the couch listening to the song "Same Love" and thinking of him.  Later he text me and asked me if I wanted to talk to my "drunk boyfriend."  He'd had a few too while he was out, but Joron didn't drink much.  He was always cute when he drank.  I think I was actually drinking while we were talking.  I seem to remember that I was.  Somehow I snapped on him.  We were talking about something... he had spoke about his ex-fiance' and I think that bothered me.  Then we were discussing religion and I got all uppity.  Defensive.  Scared.  He said something and I started getting loud.  I vividly remember his sweet soft voice saying, "Honey, honey... calm down..." but I got really pissed off {the alcohol helped believe me} and I said, "Don't you call me honey" and I hung up on him.  I loved when he called me honey, and I'd do just about anything for him to call me honey again {oh the things we take for granted!}  Well that moment spiraled into my first taste of what a twin soul union is all about.

I could not get him back on the phone.  He "shut off" in a way, and it terrified me.  I had behaved badly and I knew it, and I was frantic.  We emailed all night, slinging shit back and forth to each other, up all night.  Oddly enough he was always very respectful and understanding of my spirituality but at this time he was just "not himself."  One thing I've always prided myself on is my intelligence, and... well we just slung a lot of shit that night but the worst was that he mentioned that suddenly he just didn't know how he felt.  Spoke my worst fears- that he needed a few days away from me to see how he felt without me- could he stand being away from me?  He made it sound like yesterday he loved me but now suddenly the feeling was gone- and it SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I ended up at this place I go to when I need to think.  I sat out on the pier overlooking the water and I prayed so hard.  I told God I was sorry for freaking out on Joron in the first place, and that I would appreciate him.  I prayed, "Please please let him tell me he loves me and can't be without me."  And over the course of two days of me freaking the fuck out he finally "turned back on," told me he couldn't stand being without me {verbatim my prayers to God} and ended up coming over.  We made up- he walked in looking so sad.  Apologized.  Embraced me.  Told me we were not going to talk about religion any more, not now.  And the irony is I could give two shits about religion.  I couldn't care any less.  All I care about is Love, being healed and whole, and knowing the truth.  I care about my son and myself, and I do care enormously about this wonderful man, my Beloved Joron.

Sometimes I don't know what to think about the twin soul phenomena.  There is such a pattern to it all.  Joron's last message to me said he loves me, thinks I am wonderful, but that he "can't do it."  Stupid reason- my son's father.  So dumb... it's totally of Spirit, mirroring my doubt about Joron due to all of this INSANE mirroring.  But he said that one thing that Spirit uses a lot in these unions- "Maybe we can still be friends?"  There is SUCH a pattern to twin souls/twin flames.  Sometimes I think it is just all orchestrated by Spirit.  One specific person is chosen before coming to earth- do we share a soul?  I don't know.  Maybe.  But these people are special to us, and to ensure we figure out WHAT they are- the situation follows such a strong pattern that once we begin to search we find "twin souls" and we begin to learn what we are supposed to.  It's all just so... planned.  Orchestrated.

I am thankful that I have some idea what is happening to me, to us.  I am thankful that I am CLEAN.  I have not dated since I met him, and while I do get tempted once in a while I plan on staying single until I know I have given it my all.  I am not throwing in the towel.  I will soon have a strong love in my life, as in my life: a grown adult man in my life as my Love and partner.  I want Joron with us so much, sharing a life.  He is just a dear person, and we are perfect together.  But I do not have control over the situation, and sometimes that is not easy to accept.  I get a little frustrated not hearing from him.  We knew each other this time last year.  We shared some wonderful times together, he and I.  I just adore him... and I dream of sharing a life with him.

I can see clearly in my mind Joron holding our child.  I can actually see him wearing our baby, lol.  He'd be the type of no-holds-barred daddy who would totally wear a baby slung on his chest.  I can envision this perfectly.  We spoke of a baby together and he told me he really wants that.  This entirely surreal email communication we shared a few weeks ago also lead up to discussing making a baby together.  I want a child with that man pretty much more than I want anything else- a life together, creating a life together: me, Joron, my son and another baby.  It's what I want, and I truly believe that Joron wants that too.

One night while talking I asked him if he still wanted a child.  He said yes and asked me if I did too.  I said of course.  We'd have these strange phone conversations where we spoke our dreams, Spirit allowing us a moment together once I got my energy under control, when I believe and FELT him again- then he'd come forward, the real him, and we'd reconnect.

Can anyone really understand how... dreamlike these situations are?  My Beloved will pop in and out based on my energy- he mirrors my fears back to me and my GOD has it hurt at times!  I've been forced to look past the reflection and know the real him, and that has been the hardest part of this journey.  But I know... even in this last strange communication we had he kept saying, "But that's not really me.  I am still the man you knew."  Then in the next breath he would call himself an asshole and the only thing I can think is the more I worry that he doesn't love me, that this quiet and seeming "rejection" is actually him then it's like I am saying he is an asshole, and I don't feel that way at all.  I can't really associate the words that come from his email address and coming from his heart or intention.  I just can't; it's too eerie and strange and always in response to my disbelief and doubt. 

I see clearly what has happened.  I was in fear when we dated.  My fear was mirrored back to me in his leaving me.  My "monsters" became real so I could start waking up and owning truth.  I am worthy and memorable.  I'm highly loveable, and when people fall in love with me they remember me forever.  This man did not want to leave me; Spirit planned it that way and Joron listened.  A week before he shut off from me he was sending me pictures of himself, one holding a sign that read, "I love you" that he'd hand-written.  We spent hours on the phone.  He told me he was afraid he'd lose me!  He wanted me to reassure him that he was not going to lose me... well, I don't want to lose him.  I love him so much. 

When my energy pushed him away again in March I don't think I ever fully recovered from being promised I'd see him again and then he went quiet.  It was, again, a mirroring experience through my soul yet I had a really hard time seeing it as such.  We managed to reconnect after weeks of silence but still I could not entirely come to grips with "It's of Spirit."  I fretted over his responses and the more I fretted the more quiet he'd be {and I didn't have to say a word- it's all energy.}  I listened to the people on SF WRONGLY push me to question him, to "stand up for myself" and when I questioned him instead of listening to my soul each and every time I would be tested.  And it sucks.  I wish I would have just listened to my soul all along, held on to the 5D I was being shown, and ignore the base fearful reactions of those stuck in ago and 3D.  Not that I am judging because I get stuck there too but I listened to "humanity" over Spirit and it did me no good.  None.  I felt I was not a proiority to him because I would not hear from him often.  I was upset that he only contacted me at night... and the next time we talked he wrote to me that all he'd been doing was drinking and golfing- a direct reflection of my fears of not being a priority.  UGH!  It has been so inescapable, the mirroring.  The night I asked to speak to him JUST because I wanted to question him- he tested me.  And it's so strange how Spirit works through him but isn't that what telepathy is?  The more I doubted, the more I questioned, the more I was hit with my fears, and I would like that to be done now.

I'm not sure what else to say.  I love Joron and really hope to reconnect with him soon but I do know it is orchestrated and manuevered through soul right now.  I called a pyschic not long ago and was told Higher Self is guiding me now so I need to just surrender.   All I can do is try to be the best person I can be, Love.  Trust.  Know that he loves me despite what 3D shows me.  OMG the last few email corrospondences have been surreal.  Ridiculously insane to where there is no way they can even be believed.  I got messages from him one night when he was supposedly "home" and when I didn't respond because I was sleeping {but had just been bitching at Spirit, being a real asshole inside myself because I had not heard from Joron} he sent me the stupidest shit- like totally unreal.  He went as far as to tell me to go fuck myself, to get rid of his contact information, and to never contact him again.  He wrote, "Don't you ever contact me again!"  SO STRANGE.  He then went on to say "You could have had me forever had you responded tonight but you're ____ that's why."  It made no sense, and he didn't input a word into the blank because he couldn't.  Universal Law I think- I am a good woman with pure intentions and a loving heart.  There is nothing bad the man can say about me, being my mirror all he can do is mirror back to me my fear and doubt about HIS FEELINGS FOR ME.  I am not an asshole so he can't say anything negative about me.  I'm a good person and all he ever tells me is "You are wonderful."  He even told me he loves me... but he said he can't do it.

And I get it.  The more I feel like we have no future together, the more I want to let go, the more I doubt his love and desire to be with me, the more I fear I am not the one he wants despite all the love he showed me and continued to show me even during this twin soul separation, the more I will now get mirrored back to me "This can't happen."  The more I feel it can't happen the the more he either feels it can't for whatever reason, or else he somehow shows it to me via channeling.

I do feel that he channels; there is no other way to explain it.  The man I knew would not be able to write the things he does to me unless it was coming through him instead of from him.  I know many people would read this and say to me, "You are just making excuses" or I would be told I am in denial.  But you know that moment in an Awakening where you are forced to own your own truth?  Yeah- that's where I am.  This man came to my home repeatedly and was a gem.  A gentleman.  He brought me gifts every time!  Once it was a box of European cookies, you know the cookies I mean.  From an ethnic deli- strange language on them, something Slavic, thin crispy wafers with some kind of chocolatey goodness nestled in between the multiple layers of wafers.  They were SO tasty.  Or he'd bring a candy for my child; suckers or Pop Rocks.  Once he brought me a hard back copy of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to The Universe" collection- just because he'd asked me if I'd read it and I said no.  Being one of his favorites he went out to the bookstore on his lunch that very day and brought me the book and a chocolate bar, Fannie May.  He waited so patiently to make love with me.  He talked about it, shared with me how much he looked forward to it because being so kissy and sweet he knew it would be amazing, and it was.  And he was so damn sweet and kind and loving and... right.  Perfectly right for me.  THAT MAN could not revert to what is shown to me through him as a channel.  I know how my guidance works.  Way before I met Joron my guidance has thrust my fears into my face in order for me to face them down, and this is what happens through Joron too. 

So for those who may read this and think I am trying to convince myself... this is partially true.  I am owning my truth via my words.  In my mind I go back and forth, and it's so glaringly of Spirit that it is silly for me to even consider it to be any different.  So many out-of-this-world things have been shown to me, so many perfectly timed messages to show me to stop drinking and fearing, that I can't doubt.  I need only know that my soul is in charge of all of this.  And what I have to say is that I pray from the bottom of my heart that we are able to reach out to each other again soon.  Where others are working on letting go- I am here working towards reunion.

I read these stories of twin souls behaving badly and I know if I had no idea of what was happening to me that I would believe Joron turned into a monster.  I feel for those who can't see past the mirroring.  It's not been easy for me but one thing I know for sure- I know who he is.  That adorable jovial little Atheist Geologist who wears his heart on his sleeve.  Who fell hard in love with me.  Who waited to make love with me until I was good and ready but in the time being he cherished just being in my presence.  Before we made love he'd text me and tell me how he couldn't stand being away from me, how he was longing to see me again.  And it was all genuine.  He got nothing from me but my presence- and he was so thrilled with JUST ME.  Just talking to me, kissing me.  Nothing more.  That, for me, is perfection.  A true gentleman and nothing, noone, not even the worst mirroring, can can change my opinion of him.

Love me... I do know he loves me.  We've been back and forth with each other and in the times when my energy allows his truth to shine through he's always crazy in love with me again.  Like a man freed from prison for a few hours to revel in the beauty of sunlight- he goes out of his mind with love for me... but I didn't understand and it scared me.  Now I'd just like to be back together with my love.  I don't know how or when this will happen but writing my truth, his truth, feels really good.  We were together this time last year and my heart aches for my love, my boyfriend, my friend.  I can't look at the sky or see the show "Cosmos" or watch "Symphony of Silence" videos without crying because I do love him so much and I would love him back in my life.  I want that future with him, and I believe it can happen, that is should happen.  We are better together than we are apart.

I might have to break down and write to him.  I am not sure.  I am having a hard time keeping this all inside.  I just know that he only responds when he's supposed to so I've stayed quiet.  Been trying to take it all in...

LOL- my friend and I walk the same path, a close friend of mine.  We think she may have met her twin soul, or definitely some strong soul mate.  She met him a week ago and it's intense.  She wrote something in her journal, "I am a delicate flower and do not want to be crushed."  He came over, no shit, looked her in the face and deliberately said to her, "I am a delicate flower and do not want to be crushed."  She said if it had not been for me having my experience she would have freaked out.  He flat old told her he doesn't know how she is doing it but SHE is doing this to him.  He adores her already, and she says that at times it is like "something" takes him over and speaks through him.  I saw this with Joron but mainly via email.  He did channel a few times when we were together, especially when he asked me if I'd ever cheated on my husband.

It is of Spirit but the love is real.  We do create our own futures.  I can see this happening in my own life, and I have been afraid to practice manifestation as it pertains to Joron.

This man, my Beloved, is my future.  He is going to marry me.  He loves me fully.  He and I will have another child together, and he misses having me in his life.  He dreams about sharing time with me, and soon we will be together soon.

I love him with all of my heart, and I have to believe now.  My blog, for anyone who continues to read this, for now will have to shift to me manifesting my future.  I love Joron and know he is meant to be back in my life.  I must nurture our love now.

A Different Perspective: My Take on Twin Soul Separation

This is a good picture for depicting how I feel about my Twin Soul, my Beloved.  In 3D it appears he is "running" but in Spirit he is working so hard to get me to believe in him, in truth, and in Love.  Until I can firmly surrender to the truth my soul tells me, that my Beloved still loves me fully despite appearances, then I am the one turning away- and the more I turn away from him the more he goes quiet.  The more I ignore that he loves me then the more I am "ignored" by his love.  

I can't say I am in love with the Twin Soul process but I do appreciate what it's done for me.

As I've went through this twin soul dance I've been heavily guided along the way so I've digested a lot.  Not always listened to it or liked it but I surely have been taught a lot!  Some of what I've seen, been shown, and experienced for myself flies in the face of much of the information found on the web about Twin Souls/Twin Flames, and it's not the same as what some of the "gurus" teach.  For me the "runner" experience has been... a strangely out-of-this-world experience and it's evolved much differently than what is normally taught about "the runner" {a term I hate and don't use- it's never felt right to me.}  This idea that the runner runs simply because he {I use the gender role he here because it is my experience- my male Beloved was separated from me} is "overwhelmed" from the intense spiritual connection is not true in my case.  In my situation I came to find out that it was my own energy, my own fear, that "pushed" him from me through the orchestration of my soul/Higher Self... so in order to explain things from a little bit different {I don't mean "better" just different} perspective I would like to share my thoughts on the "runner/stayer" dynamic- and I've never chased him so I also avoid the term "chaser."  For us we are simply soul-based unconditional Love for one another.

My Beloved is a balanced individual who was interested in a long-term stable relationship.  He told me on our second date that he was excited to fall in love again, and he'd been single for almost two years after ending a long-term relationship.  He likes being in a relationship, and he is the marrying type.  Throughout this dance we've had some strange reconnection phone calls where miraculously all of the silence disappears and we are together again.  In these moments he always tells me he thinks marriage is like the best thing on earth, being with the one you love all the time.  He just loves commitment and sharing his life with someone special.  He wore his heart on his sleeve and was the epitome of the Best. Boyfriend. Ever.  Sweetie pie galore, and nothing on God's earth will change my golden opinion of him.  You can imagine how shocking it was at first when he up and moved away and then even worse he "shut off" to me weeks later.  It just did not seem possible and all along, despite my fear, it never felt totally "real."  Felt more like I was going to wake up from a rather long and terrifying nightmare than living "real life."

My Beloved did not run because he was "overwhelmed" by the connection or because he was the "less spiritually aware" of the two of us.  He was pulled from me by Spirit because I feared the loss of him greatly.  He was so wonderful and loving, and it scared the shit out of me.  All of my hidden fears of being unworthy, of being forgotten, of being let go easily, of being left behind and emotionally abandoned, festered and roiled inside of me whenever he was not in my presence.  I wear my masks well- I did not show him my fears.  I am a master at disguise; I hid my fear inside by trying to make myself seem as perfect as possible.  I was authentically myself- he did fall in love with the real "me" but I was always trying when with him I didn't need to "try."  He loves me just as I am.  I wrote in my journal all of my fears.  I begged God to not make me have to "let him go" like I'd done with others before him.  I worried that he would want to move back to California and leave me behind like yesterday's news: exciting while it happened but easy to forget; out of sight out of mind.

All along my Higher Self counseled me to have joyful energy, to just bask in the love but I could not listen.  I doubted his love for me big time.  I would not believe in him or his wonderful amazing love.  I would not accept that everything I'd ever asked for in a man had walked into my life upon meeting him... and one day all of my fears started to become very real, and it was all orchestrated from above.

I have to think we have a soul contract together and this was planned.  All of my fears became what felt like, and can still feel like, very real.  He was offered a job and immediately moved away.  Then after moving away, after declaring his love and affection for me- how he wanted a life with me no matter what, two weeks later he totally just shut off emotionally, went quiet and our Twin Soul separation began in earnest.

Since then, a year ago, I've been shown that it is ALL my own energy that shifts my Beloved away from me.  My doubts and fears are blatantly and without fail shoved in my face through communication from him.  In NO way is the quiet and separation due to him being a damn "runner" who can't handle the connection.  It's all a reflection of my own doubtful energy, and it sucks pretty bad.

A while back I called Mel of Golden Twin Flames.  My Beloved and I had reconnected hard core; I thought we were going to reunite.  He planned on coming back to see me.  We talked extensively for hours on the phone for a couple weeks.  He was endearing and sweet and jovial and kind and loving, just like he was when we dated.  But then I started to fear again.  I wore my mask.  He asked me a few questions about myself and I lied in order to hide old stuff I was ashamed of.  If I didn't hear from him "enough" I got scared and inside fought the love he was showing me... and guess what happened?  He totally went quiet again.  For weeks this time.  It was not easy, and it hasn't been easy.  I spoke with Mel and he said, "Oh he's just a runner."

BULLSHIT!  It is shown to me with vivid clarity that it is MY energy that causes the silences and separation, and I do hate it.  I am working to shift it although I really wish my Beloved was simply back in my life as my Love and partner.  I wish to be his one and only, his wife.  I know one day this will be truth, that we will be married.  I know he adores me but as long as I doubt him, doubt the love and instead believe the mirroring that is given to me then we will stay apart.  There is work I need to do, and I know what it is but the energy in general, the situation is all it's unbelievable weirdness, scares the shit out of me at times and then I become stagnant and don't do the work.  For me the work is simply writing about him as Love, as truth.  To relive our times together and bring his essence back to me via journaling; writing is my strength.  Writing, for me, creates my reality.  I KNOW this yet I tend to avoid it because I am scared.  There I admit it- this situation scares me even now, even with all the affirmation that it's totally of my Higher Will, it floors me and I avoid doing my work. 

In the twin soul/twin flame "lore" out there, one thing you will consistently read is that once one begins to accept the situation then it is helpful to put that loving twin soul energy into a "craft" or art of some kind: writing, painting, singing, poetry, etc.  Jennifer Forrest, a twin soul guide, says to use the twin soul as a muse for our creations, and I do believe this is to shift the energy.  Honestly in my situation it is all orchestrated from my Higher Self.  When my Higher Self feels me believing, sees me actually trying, holding on to the love and avoiding the fear, then my twin soul is able to come closer to me.  So if I write and honestly "feel" him again, feel his loving kind self in my heart, he somehow "turns back on" again... and I do feel it is all from Higher Will.  Again, strangest experience ever.

I love this man.  I hope to find a way out of my fear and into solely the Love.  But by God I can tell you this much, my Beloved, for sure, is no "runner."  Instead he is helper and guide, and I will love him forever for helping me come this far.

Believing

 

I am quiet right now.  It's been... interesting.  My life is far from normal.  Not long ago via email my adorable twin soul, this loving kind empathetic man, sent me various emails that would have shocked me had I not already known this "pattern" of having Higher Will channeled through him to ensure I can see and experience what my doubt feels like up close and personal.  

Don't feel good, let me tell ya.

I had talked with a Twin Soul psychic back in November; she was really good.  She immediately knew "secret" information that was used to test me; Spirit, my guidance, used her as a channel to test the shit out of me because I was, well, turning to a psychic for help when I already have my own guidance.

Today I called her again.  Back in November she told me that her own twin soul told her the very same words that Joron sent to me via email.  Unfounded, ridiculous and out of context I still had a few questions for her.  I wanted to know how she handled all of the mirroring in her twin soul union.  The mirroring can be a challenge for me.

She answered, said hello and I told her my name.  She said, "I read for you before.  I remember you."  THEN she stopped short and told me, "Oh love I can't read for you.  I am unable to.  Your Higher Self is so strong that I am not supposed to talk to you."  She told me I am very psychic, something I knew but don't really attribute to myself often.  She said I am only to listen to my Higher Self which is guiding me, get this, for FREE!  Free.  Not $2.99 per minute.  But at no cost.

This God spark is working through me to guide me and keep me on the right path.  I sometimes ask myself why.  Why me?  Me?  Really?  I'm told it is because I am Love.  I mean we all are Love but I LOVE hard, freely and purely.  I guess I make a better channel than I realize.

But this morning I was schooled.  Higher Self reached through that psychic and told me "Seek no further.  I tell you truth.  Listen and follow."  And I am trying.

I am told Joron loves me very much and only part of this journey has been "real."  His silence and the harsh "lacking affection" words are all my doubt and insecurity that he doesn't love me being reflected right back to me through him as my mirror, not real.  Only my reflection.  Yes I already know this, have written about it ad nauseam, and will continue to write about it until it sinks into my thick stubborn skull.

My doubt has been causing me some issues.  I KNOW Joron would never write the words that come my way through him yet I still get wounded and that is all part of the Twin Soul journey, healing enough that it does not hurt.  I've watched him "switch" mid-conversation due to me shifting my own energy.  I have enough proof that I should be all fine and dandy yet still I allow myself to sink, and I don't want to do that anymore because when I doubt his love for me then he either stays silent or channeled through him is my fear.  He stays silent because as my guidance tells me- when I ignore his love then his love ignores me.  If I fail to believe in his love for me then I am not allowed to receive that love; it is kept from me.  I am essentially being mirrored that lack of love.  Talk about a vicious circle!  I also just don't like feeling like this any longer this doubt.

I have to shift it around.  I really do.  I am up against a wall right now, my own walls, and I am not enjoying this.  I love my Twin Soul and I know who he really is- he is Love.  I am told to only concentrate on the love and "kisses" and to totally ignore the silence and "jilted love."  My guidance uses the term "jilted love" to explain how I feel, so wounded, about Joron separating from me in the Twin Soul union.  I was not jilted.  I am being healed.  

I am not drinking at all, never will again.  No more waking at midnight not knowing how I got my toddler to bed, terrified with worry I might find him floating face down in the tub or something because I was stupid and got drunk while he was still awake.  Brutal, huh?  Only Joron's mirroring my SHIT back to me was enough for me to finally become totally sober.  And oh was I told over and over and over and over but it took a really strong harsh "low love high lust" message from him to show me "This is what happens when you let fear overtake you; this is what "no love" feels like," and it feels like... Hell.  Being a slave to the bottle, and a slave to fear, is Hell on earth.  

I love this man, this soul inside its human vehicle.  I love, no adore, both the soul and the amazing little human that allows soul to drive around town, helping to heal me.  He is 2100 miles away and not time nor distance nor scary channeled messages can dim my love for him.  And I love myself too for being such a Champion of Love and for believing as much as I have thus far.

My big challenge though?  To BELIEVE that he honestly loves ME the way I do him.  That he's still here, just quiet.  Orchestrated.  To believe in our future together, the one he so loved to talk about all the time, even during this separation.  The beautiful future I ache for with him. 

I deserve that lovely future.  So does my sweet little son.  It is painful to write about the love but I have to.  Ignoring the love is killing me so the ignoring has to stop.  

Believe. 

"The Purpose of This Love for Each Other"

 

Before I met Joron I noticed some swan symbolism around me.  This picture gives me goosebumps because right smack dab in the middle of my life God gave me a fairy tale.  My guidance refers to Joron's love for me as a "Novel Love" and for a long time I thought this meant I HAD to write a book in order for him to come back to me.  Luckily at time I *do* like the life of a "writer" and I actually write out my feelings instead of keeping my thoughts all imprisoned inside of me where they then fester and rot.  When I don't write out my emotions, transmuting fear into love on the page, then it is only the fear that stays locked inside of me.  The love is not allowed to flow.  That has been my recent life.  Not writing.  Allowing fear to overcome me.  For allllll I preach here on my blog, despite all I shared on Spiritual Forums, my nemesis... still tussles with me, and my nemesis has been doubt. 

Thankfully as I was going through my hardships back in March/April I recorded my messages from Higher Will and I journaled a bit; I can look back to then, God already six months ago, and see that the messages I received from Spirit were similar to now- I've been told the same stuff since Joron left.  I just didn't believe it, and I am still finding it hard to dive in and follow instructions.  Why?  Not because I am defiant.  Not because I don't want to heal fully.  Not because I don't want to experience his wonderful ooey gooey kissy love again.  No, I am still battling with disbelief.  This is what Higher Will told me back in April after my fear-energy once again hit him like a ton of bricks and he didn't come home to see me as promised: 

"Honey just love him now.  "Novel" was to banish bad and create "right words."  Your role of writer is protected but inner quest must be known first: inward fears killed, love kissed instead.  Help inner mission.  Heal mirror and heal him.  He is mirror."  

I was told I was beginning to feel less longing and more love.  I asked if it was wrong to desire him and was told it is not wrong to feel "wedded" to my twin soul.  I was also bluntly told, warned, assured that he will ignore his gentle feelings for me in I do not celebrate the healing and only concentrate on "Why is he ignoring me?"

Joron feels all of my fear and doubt; I am beginning to think only when I write through this will either of us get back on track.  My own spinning in doubt is given right to him and then he fears.  I don't know what he fears but it surely keeps him quiet and doubtful of our love.  

I love the song "Miracle" from the movie "Winter's Tale."  It is all about the healing of soul mates.  This morning I went to listen to it on Youtube and found that someone used a Twin Soul picture to label the video.  So of course I am not the only one feeling all this; plenty of us are.  Many of us are being Enlightened and healed through our soul mate relationships, and of course through the Twin Soul/Twin Flame union.

I've been through a lot in the last few months; it's a reality that only a rare few would fully believe, understand or accept.  I truly am living a fairy tale, and some fairy tales can get pretty Grimm at times.  I allowed my doubt and disbelief of his love to escalate.  I did not listen to my Higher Will.  I questioned Joron when I was supposed to just trust, have faith, accept my healing and love him.  And the more I doubted him the more Higher Will worked through him to mirror my fears and doubt back to me.  

Dear Reader: please be careful with your doubt.  Allow my words, my not-on-purpose inability to listen to my soul help you.  In a twin soul union when we doubt that doubt will be kicked back at us, and after a while, once Spirit knows you are no longer a "baby" that needs coddling... once you hit that borderline insolent teen-ager stage, Spirit will begin to mirror fear back to you hardcore so you canNOT deny or escape what is happened to you.  You will be forced to see your monsters so they can be fought.  In an effort to be very careful with my words and energy all I will say is that through Joron, through his emails, it became clearly evident the energy that I need to heal.  If I continue to ignore our future together then he will too.  If I continue to doubt his love for me then I will only receive words that reflect a lack of kindness, a lack of love- if I doubt HIM and his loving intention... if I doubt his truth, doubt the truth of the loving man I know him to be then that man is taken away and replaced with my FEAR and it is not a fun mirror to look into.  I let it go far and it has been intense.  I have a feeling my journey is... not normal, lol.  My experiences have been out-of-this-world surreal.  If I wasn't living it I don't think I could believe it!  I am definitely being shown I must heal all doubt, and I have to believe in his love for me.  

The way I am supposed to do this is to write only about the love {and see- I didn't even do that here but at least I am getting some words out!}  Despite 3D appearances {those damn emails} Joron loves me.  My walls need to fall, badly.  Once on the phone he told me that being hurt in love in the past had caused him to put up some walls.  When he said it his voice was warm and his intention was sharing, caring, closeness.  He told me those walls were small and gone now.  But as I look back I know he was also bringing WALLS to my attention.  I have the walls and I have to write through them.  I can blog and share and "pontificate" and preach what I've learned until I am blue in the face and none of it will help me.  What I share is truth: I am living it, believe me.  But I don't apply it.  I have to write until I feel his love again.  

It's all about shifting the energy from fear and doubt to love, and I am having such a block about this!  I find it very easy to share my experience but I find it nearly impossible to write about how he loves me.  I suppose that shows what I still need to cement in this healing process, hm?

So there is my update.  He is still being used as an instrument of divine healing, and I am still working to get my words and feelings out so they can shift.  In my heart I know he loves me; it's obvious.  The craptacular words that get slung at me are SO over-the-top, so insane, and such a mirror for me to see my issues loud and clear that the messages are pretty fucking ridiculous.  It's a strangely miraculous situation to literally watch, experience, Spirit channel through someone so strongly.  Later though I let ego flare up and I think from a wounded perspective STILL after all of this proof that it is of Spirit: that is how strong my brain can be, my mind that tries to twist all my truth around.

I am so ready to be past all this, on track ready for those walls to fall and hearts to melt.  So wish me luck.  Take care.