Leaving on A Jet Plane
I wanted to ensure I made at least a quick post before I hit the sack. A year ago today, and I am not going to dwell on this with despair or pain, my twin soul up and left, shockingly so, to move to California. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. I was in the middle of training a bunch of people, a training session I'd been preparing for for months, and I was sleepless and overwrought. Being so intuitive I just knew something was going to happen; I felt it. Joron usually always emailed me in the late morning and I had not heard from him, and the night before, after a long day of emailing back and forth sharing and sharing, he sent me a string of very strange text messages. I just felt something was off.
And I was right. At about noon, standing in front of a room full of people on a break, I got an email from him that started by saying, "I'm so sad because I am leaving you." He went on to very erratically tell me about this job offer he'd received this morning, and how he had to go sign the contract RIGHT NOW, and how he was on his way to the airport to fly to CA... right then. No discussion, nothing. Just "I am moving to CA within a week, and I'm on my way there now with no goodbye until I get back." He said some rather odd things to me, one of them being, "I feel like Joron unchained" and I knew he meant because he didn't like his job but "unchained" to me sounded as if he'd been imprisoned when he'd been dating me for the last weeks. Also he actually wrote, "It's been great knowing you Jen!" Surreal, and I recall thinking it just was not normal. It felt... orchestrated. Planned. Fake. Not genuine. Not him. I truly hated God at that moment, and had a bus been coming by I would have gladly, and dramatically, thrown myself under it.
Later that day we text, he would not talk on the phone and I think that is because for some reason we needed separation and Spirit would not allow a phone call, and he was all about staying together, getting married and making a baby together.
As anyone would know from reading my blog that all changed a few weeks later. He spent a few days getting his shit in order in CA then came back home for two days before leaving for good. The two days he was home he spent both evenings with me, close and gazing into my eyes, making love and assuring me all would be okay. We exchanged thoughtful gifts. I am sitting here looking at my "Joron shelf" right now: a book he bought me, a Lotto ticket with numbers he chose {and maybe it's a winner- I never checked but the numbers are all special for either us together or each of us separately} some animal trading cards from the museum he picked up for my kid, Pop Rocks my kid wanted to buy for him, a can of mackrel he gave me as a gag because I was grossed out by the sushi mackrel we had for dinner one night, an empty bottle of wine, a soul mate book I bought for him that I mistakenly thought I would have given to him already, a container of "Strawberry Fields" tic tacs, a butterfly for transformation, and a "Wedding Day" candle. Some of those items were from his going away present, including a crystal growing science kit for my son; isn't that the most adorable thing ever? He, my little Geologist, bought my son a crystal growing kit.
He's no a monster, not evil. He's a normal good man, solid and genuine, who is being used by Spirit. I can do nothing about it but try my damndest to keep my energy clear. That is all.
A few days from now last year he left a second time for CA, this time for good, and I have not seen him since. It was not what I expected. I anticipated visiting him. He made me promise I'd at least come out and visit CA; he mentioned looking at houses with me... a thought that makes my heart just pound. I want to be married and living with him SO much! Gosh I so want that, a life with him. But then he went silent on 10-18-13 after I sent him an email that had the intention of making him feel guilty. It was not horrible but soul knew. Oh yeah, soul knew. I wanted him to feel badly. I was feeling resentful, jealous and put out. He was excited and having fun and I was mourning the loss of him, and Spirit TOLD me to love him as if he was still with me, no moping. But did I listen? Of course not. His response to my email was, "I don't need your guilt." BAM- oh he got the intention all right; Spirit made sure of it. I got drunk that night, missed his text asking to talk, and it took weeks before I heard from him again.
Beginning of a year-long {so far} lesson learned. So here is my admission: I went for a walk with a man tonight. Yes, a man. A new man. He is a few years younger than me, went to my high school. We chatted before when I was trying online dating but we never met. He lives right by me, in my town. Single dad, friendly, seemingly nice man, attractive. On the quiet side. So anyway, I've joined and deleted myself from a few dating sites here recently. Why? I get tempted- it's been a year. I get bored, want to even just talk to someone! I miss conversation with a man, and I don't think that is wrong. In my profile on my last attempt I actually said my truth: my heart is elsewhere. I am not looking for a commitment or casual sex. I want a friend I can talk to, get to know, and I have no idea what the future holds. I am just looking to stick my toe in the water. So he contacted me, said hello again. Tonight I am home alone, without my son. He is with his dad. I SOBBED after work today while listening to the above song. It tears my heart out. I did not want Joron to leave. I loved him, and love him, so much. I would have done pretty much anything to get him to stay but I never once mentioned it. I only supported him. I wanted him to be happy- I was sad though. I fell hard in love with him... and I can't just stop that. I can't kill hope but I also can't live like I have been forever. I am isolated and the only man I talk to is my son, my mini-man. This year made me and my son so much closer but I'll tell you what- I feel out of touch. My life became so Spirit-lead that the strangeness is now my normal.
So tonight I got home, fed the cats and thought about Joron. A year. A whole year. How I would love to see him again, or even just hear from him. I adore him- but again, I am tired of feeling so despondent about him. I no longer want to worry that he does not love me or if the weird crazy bullshit I get could possibly just be him, malicious intent. I don't mean to sound whiny but this has been one hard fucking lesson for me; I've been put through the wringer... and I know he has too, and I love him for helping me.
But we are still separated, and life is life. Tonight this man wrote to me, said hello again and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk since it is such a lovely night here. I was not expecting that! I have a cold sore, my hair is all slapped up in a bun, and I'd been crying. I looked like Hell. So I told him so and said if he still wanted to go for a walk then I was up for it. He knows I have reservations- it's obvious but he asked to meet and we did. We met at the park down the street at the swings and then went for a walk. And it was... nice. Refreshing. I was torn, totally torn, on meeting him. I don't want to feel like I am cheating on Joron. It's such a strange situation. I am glad I did go because it helped me feel alive again. I understand that Joron mirrors me but I have to tell you- it's harsh and it hurts and I've received enough of it to where it's almost conditioned me which makes it feel more real, and that is bad. Being alone so much, and so immersed in Spirit, can make one feel off balance. That channeled bullshit begins to feel so real when I know it isn't. Tonight I wanted to experience "real life" again. 3D life. We walked and talked about work. I did not care how I looked. I paid close attention to ensuring I did not "try" to be charming. I was just me. He is more of an introvert and commented on my "people person" personality, said I make good conversation- and I do. It was actually very refreshing to go out, not for drinks or to hang at some dude's house, but just for a walk. Sweatshirt, jeans, skater shoes... I was not trying to impress, honest. I did not flirt. I just was myself, and that felt good. He was very sweet, made sure to walk me part way home so I didn't walk alone although I don't mind- the walk was very welcome. He hugged me quickly before we parted, and I do hope I hear from him again. If I do not then I will know it is of Spirit. Spirit whisks people in and out of my life right now, they come and they go.
Walking along with him of course reminded me of Joron but I didn't really hurt. We also walked and talked when we first met but it was intense sparks and immediate attraction. Holding hands. Tonight there was no flirty stuff. No coy giggle or shy grins. I laughed and talked readily but it was friendly. But talking with that man, and thinking of Joron, let me know there is just no way in Hell the bullshit that comes from him is really him. It's not even real life. Not much of this has been ever since I met him, and that's a relief. I don't feel that desperation right this moment. I get very sad over him, and the sadness kind of sucks me down, makes me feel dark and hopeless. I don't want that.
The man from tonight is much different than Joron, and I should not compare anyway. I am attracted to many things about my scientist... his science brain is one of them. And his passion for people. And his joyful jovial bouncy sweet demeanor. And his thoughtfulness. But I guess tonight was a nice little breather that came on a night that almost killed me last year. There is no distracting myself from him- he's always there. I made my intention known: just friends, and I feel okay with it. I needed to feel 3D again for a bit- meet a new friend, and it actually put things into a greater perspective for me. Peeps out there will argue with me but there are not many people out there who would declare full complete love to someone and then just disappear overnight for weeks on end; it's not of this world. He is still the same sweetie I knew a year ago, and I hope tonight he is out there thinking of me. I did have a nice walk and am thankful to have met such a nice man on such a hard night as tonight. I feel it is a blessing so I will take it as such.
My heart is so committed to Joron but only Spirit knows what is in store. I miss his endearing kisses, that smile, a lot. More than most people can believe, accept or understand. But I have to live too and the walk was sweet... eased my aching heart even though I still want to hear from my Beloved. I pray for the day when I can hear his loving voice again, and I am thankful for meeting a nice new friend tonight, a year after my world kind of came crashing down around me. Crashing- breaking away the old vices, clearing shit out. I wish my healer, my help and my Love, would return to me. I love Joron and believe he loves me, and that we are meant to be together.
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