I am popping in to share this because it's close to my journey.
I feel we are made for connection and love. I've had to be a hermit for the last two years in order to find and heal myself, my true self. Yet at the same time I have my close connections too. I have people who understand me and love me unconditionally. God has blessed me with good family and I have some close friends who adore me no matter what I do or how weird I may seem or how odd my life can appear at times. It's a beautiful blessing to have such people in my life.
Secondly when I began writing this blog I did it because I just felt it was the right thing to do. I started by wanting to be truly honest about my journey. I was given knowledge and guidance from above about my experience and I wanted to share that even if I personally find it hard to apply at times. Still I've always known it is truth so I felt inclined to share it. Also I love my twin soul very much and my blog has always been a place where I can share my strong feelings for him but also parallel it to the happenings in my life. I have always tried to be very HONEST on my blog. I don't write here when I am stuck in ego because the purpose for my writing here has been to share truth, not ego-fears and doubts. That is not to say that when I am alone, not writing on the blog, that I do not cave to quite a lot of ego-fears and doubts. I do. This is why I am alone right now and not with the love of my life. Again though let me reiterate that I've always tried to be honest here. And I've shared a LOT. Many of my past mistake are recorded here. Shit I wouldn't even tell my priest if I had one I've shared here. Some people may ask, "Why do you share so much about yourself on a private blog???" Which leads me to my last point...
It is not because I am egotistical or think what I have to say is oh so grand or exciting. It's not because I think I am better than anyone else or because I am a "twin soul." It is because I KNOW there are other people who experience what I did almost exactly two years ago right now. Falling deeply, totally, head-over-heels fabulously in love with someone who suddenly left. Who suddenly seemed to change and become... something I never expected, and it felt like I was living in a dream, one where I would wake up and it would all be back to normal again but I never woke up.
I never woke up.
And it would have killed me had I NOT had the clear guidance from above, and had I not experienced such strong cause and effect between me and my twin soul. Only those things saved me because I knew it was for a purpose. I trusted enough that I did not off myself out of the pain of losing someone I love as much as I love my very own child.
Also I want people to know that their "colorful" pasts do not define them. I've done some regretful things and made some choices in my past that I'd NEVER ever dream of making today. I've grown and changed. Just because I've done some not-so-great-things to myself in the past doesn't mean I can't ascend past those things. People can read my blog, see my past indiscretions and know they do not have to damn themselves. You CAN forgive yourself and change to be a healthier more self-loving you. You can let go, really. It's okay. We all make mistakes. All of us. God knows I've made some huge ones, very personal where I put myself in positions that were simply hurtful. I look back and just shake my head and hug myself for getting through that and knowing that I will NEVER be back there again. Thank God. And my twin because he's helped show me the type of love I deserve so I can never ever settle for anything less than loving and respecting myself with another person.
In my life I have played the role of the victim AND the victimizeR. I made the conscious choice to cheat on my ex-husband, the father of my child. No the marriage was not happy, and no I don't necessarily regret my decision because it brought about much-needed change BUT my point is I made that choice. I hurt him. I own that choice. I am far from perfect and I have not made the most painless or "perfect" decisions in my past. And for the sake of authenticity I think it is only fair for me to be honest here. I am not here to paint this perfect picture of myself. Being "spiritual" means learning from mistakes. Growing. Fucking up and learning from it, and asking for forgiveness. And I have fucked up in my past. Cheating on my husband is in my past and I don't hold it against myself but I did hurt him and I feel badly that he was crushed by me and my actions; maybe back then I did not care so much but now that I look back I have sympathy for the pain I put him through. My husband has now turned into my friend and he has forgiven me. He is in a happy relationship with a kind caring woman who loves him a lot and that makes me very happy for him. I've prayed for him a lot because I DO want him happy. I am not happy for the pain he went through with me in the end. I did get caught immediately because I am not a good liar at all. Cheating did not come naturally to me, and sneaking around never felt good. This is why today it feels SO good and healthy to be living as much of a transparent honest lifestyle as I can. I don't like lying or sneaking around at all. I'm not happy that my husband was hurt by me but I am happy it brought about a change that made him happier, and I had to get out of that marriage too because it was wounding me. But I am here to say that yes, I've made choices in my past that were far from perfect. We all do- we are human. I never did it to hurt him. I did it because... well, not really reasons I can express properly or that need to be expressed. Fact is we all make mistakes, and some of us, like myself, discuss them to let others know you are not alone in making decisions that can hurt people. I've been hurt, and I've hurt others. And it was not my intention to hurt another human being, just like it was probably not the intention of those who have hurt me to do so either. I am fortunate now that my son's father and I have a good relationship. He helps me when I need help, and he is a good father to his child. We have grown together and changed in these last two years and I realize that I am blessed because as a divorced couple who co-parent we do get along well. I consider him to be my friend and I know he still cares about my well-being, and I care about his. And he loves his son a lot, and that is so important in a time when too many fathers do not commit to their children. My prayer for him is that he is very happy and content now, and that he has found the right woman for him to love and spend the rest of his life with, a woman who loves him like he needs to be loved. I was not the one yet he did bless me with my beautiful son so we definitely had a purpose together.
As it pertains to this twin soul experience, I could not stay silent when I'd think there might be someone else out there experiencing something similar but not having the same guidance as me helping them along. So I shared it all to help not only myself {it's cathartic and I have a sharing-soul so sharing really helps me for some reason} but I also felt that maybe sharing my story could help ease the heart of someone who might be going through a twin soul or soul mate separation, a separation inspired by self-created fears and doubts, spiritual mirroring.
It's a sensitive time for me right now. Two years ago I was... walking on air even while harboring my own private fears about love. But I had this sweet loving amazing new boyfriend in my life who I got to see often because he made me a priority and loved to talk to me and be around me, kissing me and loving up on me. And it was really awesome, my dream come true. Perfection. He asked me if there is possibly a heaven would we be there together for eternity, could he kiss me forever in eternity? And then two years ago tomorrow he was gone. And he still holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances.
I keep seeing butterflies everywhere. They must have had a late start this year. My son and I have been noticing Monarch butterflies all over when a few weeks ago there were next to none.
If you've read my blog then you know butterflies hold a lot of symbolism for me. I was told from above that my life is like that of a butterfly- that I used to be a caterpillar crawling lower to the ground but now I was going through my transformation to "tentatively" become a butterfly so I could soar because I am more soul than human.
Later I learned that the butterfly is symbolic for soul, and that Psyche means both "soul" and "butterfly" AND the Goddess Psyche started off as a human and was made immortal after going through her very own "Hero's Journey" and twin soul union with Eros. Psyche had to meet the love her her life, lose him and then go through a bunch of challenging personally strengthening shit like traveling to Hades to face a ton of fear in order to get her love back and then she was turned from a human into an immortal and she spent eternity with her twin soul, Eros. After our second date I was so stunned by this adorable man who had swept into my life, this gift, that I asked to pull an angel card telling me what he was to me. I pulled "Eros" which is the strong romantic one and only soul mate card, the one who brings lots of change and well as love. It's all too mind-blowing for me to think about at one time.
After I met James he emailed me about a dream he'd had of me. He said he dreamed I told him I was not really a "homo sapian" but a butterfly. In his dream he was sad that I was not really a human after all but I told him, in the dream, that it was okay because I was going through my transformation so I could fly. This was after I was given the message from above about transforming into a butterfly, and it was before I researched and found out that the symbolism of changing from caterpillar to butterfly is all about "Awakening" and changing from ego-based human to living more through soul, realizing finally that I am a soul having a human experience, an energy using this body to experience life. Put it all together and it's one big ball of twin soul divine synchronicity that cannot be ignored.
I have to stop blogging now. I've loved this twin soul experience for many different reasons. It's changed me ten-fold. My reactivity has been very much lowered, and that's a blessing. I can stand up to a lot not. Before I was exceedingly sensitive to the opinions of others and I let my feelings get hurt very quickly and much of that has been healed in me. I am still utterly empathetic but I am not so... damn sensitive. I'm sober, clean, and take care of myself. I'm much stronger in so many ways. I have looked fear in the face and said, "Okay I see you and I am trying my best not to believe you as I fight to own my truth." It's also shown me with 10000% certainty that there is something loving out there bigger than myself, and that when I die only my body will be gone but the eternal part of me will live on forever, and that is a beautiful thing.
I am so not the same woman I was two years ago. I am much more emotionally healed, stronger with a large increase in my self-love.
I have for the entirety of this blog defended my twin soul. I have explained from the very start that all I saw in him was love, kindness, affection, generosity, consideration, total protectiveness of my feelings, heart and emotions, gentleness, tenderness, stability, and overall total goodness and acceptance of me, my son and my life. He's loved me immensely. I continue to stand by what I know is my truth. He is my angel. When I am mirrored- it clearly is a result of my own energy. The cause and effect is so glaringly clear and obvious that it's almost embarrassing at times. I am shown so clearly my own ego-fits and fear that NOW- now I have to hunker down and totally control my emotions. I was sent an article yesterday by a well-meaning friend and one part of it spoke to me quite clearly. It said that self-mastery is imperative to the shift in consciousness and also the ascension of the soul, and only continued self-awareness will determine this self-mastery.
I had another "episode" with my twin soul the other day. I am not going to record it all here. Suffice to say I was feeling rather pissy for some reason, and I should not have been because I'd had a good and blessed day. I'd bumped into an old friend and we sat together at the park talking while our children played, and it was the most GORGEOUS day. I also met a friend of my son from his new school, and his mother, so I made new contacts and it was just a very nice day. I should have felt blessed and thankful but instead I was feeling very ego-based and just not nice. I wrote later in my journal and fell, yet again, into ego. Along with saying some not so nice things about God I also said kind of spitefully that I know I am not so bad of a person that my twin soul would act like such a *blank* and in that blank was not a very nice word. Three hours later he contacted me, and you can imagine it was not pretty. The timing cannot be ignored.
I should know better. First of all my twin soul does not deserve that from me. Not at all. He deserves for me to energetically send him LOVE instead of me talking shit. It's ALL ego. It is NOT increased self-awareness, and it is not self-mastery. At this point in my journey I have to grow the fuck up and stop allowing my ego to take over. There DOES come a time when we can no longer allow ourselves the "slack" to keep repeating the same negative energy over and over again. That time for me is now.
I am meant, at this phase of my journey, to be impeccably aware of my thoughts and emotions, and I know that sounds challenging, or to some of us it might not even sound fair but it is what it is. My thoughts and emotions CREATE my existence and I believe they also affect the energy around me, the energy of the collective for ascension, so they need to be strong, positive, loving and full of goodness. I have a spiritual responsibility to clean up my mind. I've come to finally, begrudginly, believe that I must have an old soul inside of me, and she is a powerful one. And she is creating very quickly based on MY thoughts, intentions, emotions, etc. So I MUST grasp this self-mastery. I have to.
And I love this man. So much. He's shown me so much. He's been through this with me no matter where he is right now. I am thankful to him for doing this with me. He deserves, at the very least, for me to know his truth and love inside and out. And to do that I have to go very personal and quiet now.
I love my twin soul union but I am tired of talking about it. I've said all I can. If anyone needs to find my experience then they will find it because it is all right here. I've enjoyed sharing my journey, and I hope I've followed my soul in writing it out in such detail. I feel it brings solace to those who are meant to find it, who need to know what they are experiencing is REAL and true. My hope is my words and thoughts will be a balm for those who need affirmation, hope and some reassurance.
Honestly all I want now is to control my emotions, find increased self-awareness, love myself and my twin, and yes- barring anything I've shared here- I still want him in my life as my husband and my soul love. As my son's loving step-daddy and as the father of my next child. I still believe he is my destiny, and I love him with all of my heart. He is precious to me and I cherish him. I want to only create goodness in my life now, goodness and love. I miss James to the depths of my soul and I know one day he is meant to be in my arms again. Know, though, I love him no matter what. I love him unconditionally, and I will forever.
If you'd like to say hello, email me or comment and I'll respond but for now I seriously do need and want to go inner. It's the only way I'm ever going to reunite, and I really want to. I wish you all the best. Stay patient with yourself and love your twin souls.
Much love to you all. May we all become butterflies soon :)
I've always loved this picture, and she looks like me. Sometimes I really wish I could hug Jesus. I have this feeling that... well, I think I already know what it feels like to hug Jesus.
This post really has all to do with me, this path I am on, and my fellow friends out there who have these soul connections in your lives. I feel you.
Some of us struggle on this path. I know I have. I get emotionally weak and vulnerable and I don't always know where to turn. The pain sucks me down and all I can feel is darkness and my ego-based head lies to me, seduces me with it's fear-based thoughts, so then in private I feel icky and spiteful and dark emotions, and for me at this point in my journey sometimes those dark thoughts and emotions are reflected back to me through my mirror, my twin, and it can hurt. It is STRONG so I am able to see it, notice it and work really hard to ascend past the pain so it eventually goes away forever leaving nothing but love and truth but the process is intense. Some of us truly do know the twin soul union process of healing. The mirror hurts when I let it and while I am learning to control the hurt and fear I feel it's still been a struggle. Fighting through ego to know truth can be painful but it's a necessary part of Awakening. We are not meant to suffer forever, and we only suffer due to our own pain bodies keeping us in a vicious cycle of fear-based emotions. The Universe/God/Spirit is healing us of this cycle, healing us through this union.
I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer. I try to keep my blog fairly light-hearted, positive and uplifting. But I also have to keep it honest. I've had passing suicidal thoughts. I know others of you do too because you've written to me, and it breaks my heart to know how we struggle, and I think that Jesus would like us all to know that He's hugging us all whether or not we feel him.
I came across this post on Facebook, or it came across me maybe. I've had a lot of "suicide prevention" type energy coming my way. This really really affected me:
http://imgur.com/4swX4N1
"The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and
used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit
into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed
the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down
the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger
or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in
love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding
each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with
sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my
note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who
once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying
desperately to believe I still existed.
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way
her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the
sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a
stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw
nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle
and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard
where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined
how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few
weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the
paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the
kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each
orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a
single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the
morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the
avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her
about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but
couldn’t finish what I started."
By Meggie Royer
And there is a comment on this post that sums it up very well. Someone wrote that when we kill ourselves we don't end our pain we just pass it on. We pass it on to mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and friends and lovers and teachers and coaches and little children, our own children. As a parent... I can't even consider the thought, and as a child of two parents, well I just keep those people in mind when I feel like I can't take it any more. We all have to remember that the pain does not end- it stays with those we leave behind. We don't end pain when we choose to take our lives. We just pass that enormous pain on to all of those who love us and who have to now mourn. We all have a reason for living, and The Universe is only trying to heal us of our emotional pain body so we can live freely, and yes the twin soul union specifically does this for us, and it's why it can sometimes hurt so bad. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself so so well. Baby the shit out of yourself. Treat yourself to ice cream and a movie and a pedicure and whatever else your little heart desires. Adore yourself. Be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself like a child. And remember there are people you can talk to as well. You can write to me if you feel you need a kind hopeful word and I'll always respond yet I'm no counselor but a friend. There is also the suicide prevention hotline when you feel you need help RIGHT NOW:
1 (800) 273-8255: National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 24 hours 7 days a week.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Again I hate to post something so "down" yet it's so real that I felt the need to address it. You are never alone. Suicide is NEVER an option. There are people out there who will listen to you- even if it's a good-hearted stranger on the other end of the phone whose every intention is to convince you that your life is worth living.
A moment to say a prayer reflecting back to that moment years ago where all of our collective hearts were broken on 9/11. I can only say that is a morning I, along with the rest of the world, will never forget for the rest of my life. The sadness I felt, and still do, along with millions of other people, I have no words except to say we will always remember, and may our world shift more to love from fear. That is my wish upon reflection of 9/11. Love, not fear.
And now for the blog post- Teal's list of "symptoms" of meeting your twin soul or soul mate fit my experience with James so much. The difficult part right now is she says in this video that we perform at our most optimal when in union with this person, and we often falter when apart. She states that we do not perform "optimally" when apart from our divine counterpart, and that is so true. She explains that when together you feel like you can move mountains, and that is also true. I am one who feels that with a special love in your life, the strong soul mate love of a "romantic" soul connection, life just feels so so so much better. And quite frankly without it- life can feel pretty shitty sometimes, blessings or not! I AM thankful for the blessings I have in my life but I cannot control my heart, and my heart HURTS. Being without my love in my life makes life... less. Just less. Not as enjoyable, not as colorful. It's like I have to work to be happy whereas when he was in my life joy was overflowing from me. I can't help how I feel. It just is. Life feels less colorful, less bright, less enjoyable without my love in my life. Not all the money in the world, not all the trips, the "stuff" or the other types of relationships or love {like with my child or with my friends} can change that reality for me.
She explains that when apart it feels like a high-powered magnet that is kept apart, that pull pull pull feeling. She says that being apart from this soul connection is very painful, and it is. I am not trying to concentrate on my pain or share my pain or be a whiner but my GOD the ache I feel right now is horrendous. I just feel like I need to be with him. I need him in my life. He once told me the same. He said, "I need you. I need you in my life."
I wish I'd listened to him then, believe in him and his love for me.
But this video, the symptoms she explains are pretty much 100% applicable to what I've experienced with James. This video has a lot to do with self-love and self-acceptance, and I've probably posted it before but I am posting it again because I can :) And for anyone new who may need to find it. I think it is a good simple video about twin souls and soul mates. Her explanation about meeting people before meeting the twin is common, and I had that experience. I met soul mates before James, and yes they felt similar. Yet he is the one I am left longing for. Only him. He is the one I can't move on from. He is the one the song was for, my song about a past lover who cannot be let go, who cannot be replaced. He is that one. I suppose it is the workings of my soul which makes it so, and I can't really fight against it because the love I feel for him is too strong to overcome.
He is my perfect fit.
The name of this file I downloaded for this picture is simply called "11."
I've never felt more complete in my life than two years ago right now. Two years ago I was getting to know this sweet wonderful new boyfriend, this angel who walked into my life and turned it upside down with love. Adorable, strong, intelligent, loving, kind, compassionate, genuine, honest, trustworthy, faithful, committed, adoring... my sweetheart. Those were the best weeks of my life! The best weeks of my ENTIRE life! I have never, in my entire time on earth, been happier than I was when I was James' girlfriend. His presence in my life was a huge gift, only comparable to me having my son. I love him like I love my son only I've had my son in my life physically longer. His love for me was soooo perfect. Like heaven. Like I've said before and will say again, ad nauseum, he was like loving an angel. And here is the thing: I used to talk about his Atheism, and my "belief." And none of that matters to me now, none of it. I mean I love his passion for what he loves, his science and his golf and all the rest but the only thing that matters to me is OUR LOVE. I so wrongly assumed that we needed to discuss this and that and I really did define him in certain ways but now all I define him as is "My love who I need back in my life nearly as much as I need air because without him I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe."
Oh... my God. I never knew love like this even existed, and I have to think that most people do not feel love to this extent. It can't be normal even if it all I know now.
I don't feel complete without him. It's that high-powered love magnet affect... pulling, always pulling.
I pray for the day when it pulls him right back to me.
This is how I feel right now. It is a feeling I cannot describe. It is like my soul is in love with his soul and I am always pulled towards him. I feel like my heart is being torn out. I'd love to say it is this calm sweet love but it is not. He is not here in my arms so I am not content. It is all unknown so I am not content. The only thought I have is how much I love him. I am so totally in love with him and I wish we were together right now. We are meant to be together. We are meant to meet in the bedroom each night and say goodnight and kiss and make love and wake to each others smile. I wish to share my life with him SO much!!! WISH and HOPE. And pray, and dream...
If You're Not The One
I have been working on remembering. But it hurts! Remembering causes a big fat ache in my heart! Why? Because it brings him in all his loving goodness flooding back in, and sometimes it's easier to NOT remember. To not feel that love. But I have to feel it. I have to bring his truth close to my heart, so I am working on re-membering our love. His love for me is such a beautiful gift, walking under the stars, holding hands, kissing for hours, being so cherished and accepted and loved with no conditions. After doing some thinking about this I have come to the conclusion that once two twin souls meet, fall in love and then separation happens- all bets are off. I don't understand how people say, "Oh you have to force yourself to be creative!" because the best I can do is be a good mom right now. I have no energy for anything else besides being a good mom and loving my James. Really, that's all. I used to make beautiful jewelry but right now I can't bend a wire or string a bead. It's too exhausting to think about and I have no passion to do so. I suppose I could force it but I don't feel like it. I derive no joy or satisfaction from it now. For now I want to be a mother and... enjoy my memories. I am so so in love with him.
I have a second Disney World trip planned for me and my son, and I am looking forward to that. It's in October. I love spending time with my child- my child brings me joy, being with him, loving him, being his mommy. We do a lot together, me and my son. I'm known as a mommy who does a lot with her child. But it is the one thing I enjoy, being with him. Right now I want to be be entertained, not "do" stuff. I want to go to a festival and ride the rides. I want to go to the theater and watch a funny movie. I want to go out and have a nice meal. I want to do FUN stuff but I don't feel like "making" anything or creating output in any way, shape or form. So I am not. I am allowing myself to do what the Hell I want to, and I am loving myself for all of my choices.
Yes, I am ONLY doing what *I* want to do, only things in my best interest and my son. Of course I help others, that is my nature, but the choices I am making now are to keep myself as joyful as possible while I miss someone so much that I want to cry. Yes I do have to work but even there I go easy on myself. I do what I need to, and at my own pace. I am going easy on myself.
I miss my twin soul. That song, "I'm Going to Love You Like I'm Going to Lose You," is killing me right now. I loved James so much when he was in my life, and of course I still do. None of this happened due to a lack of love. I adored him. I will admit I was skeptical because when the best thing that has ever happened to you comes walking into a life that has been full of bullshit, hurt and letting go- one tends to be wary. And I was. But still I loved him. And I am flooded with memories of us. And I know to the casual observer it would seem I am obsessed but I am not. I am not stalking him or researching him or even reaching out to him. I only love him inside. And it is a love big enough to overwhelm my mind, heart and soul. It is a love I don't know what to do with. It feels too big for me, one single person, to contain it.
Maybe that's why I write it here, to get some of it out before it kills me because sometimes I feel like I can't possibly hold all of this love inside myself for him. I wish he was back. I wish I'd taken one of the occasions when he came closer to grab on energetically and not let go, not back off, not push him away, not block it. I wish we were back together already. "Reunited" but really all I want is my sweet boyfriend back.
You know how people preach that it is not a "relationship" and they are not a "lover" or a "boyfriend" and all that crap? Well he came into my life and asked me to be his "girlfriend." And he said he wanted me to be his "wife." THAT is what I want. I miss my silly totally full of self-confidence great sense of humor boyfriend! I want my boyfriend back, the one who insisted on calling me every single cutesy pet name he could think of, especially honey. When James and I first met online he called me "honey" in one of his early emails and I called him out on it. I wrote back, "honey?" And he said yes, honey. And he said that due to my reaction he'd call me cute pet names all the time, forever. And he did for as long as we were together, and during this time away he's done it too- actually the absence of him calling me pet names is on purpose. It's a glaring absence of the man I dated, his truth. His truth his ONLY pet names. "Honey" and "cupcake" and "doll." Yes, even doll. "Beautiful." But his were more specific, and "honey" was the special one for us. I miss him calling me honey and I'd do anything to hear him call me honey again. I still have his old voicemails where he'd smile {I could hear this smile} into the phone and said, "Hiiii honey, it's me James. Just calling to say hi and I love you." I have not been able to bring myself to listen to his voice for a long time. My old phone sits on my dresser with his voicemails and photos on it- and I have not charged it in forever because to hear him... to hear that soft gentle SEXY voice click on and so softly say, "I love you," makes my knees weak and my heart feel like it might explode. I love him SO much. I miss him SO much. I really wish he was back in my life and the life of my child. As my boyfriend and husband. I don't deny the "spiritual" importance of the experience but I don't put all my emphasis there. He was in my life as my friend and lover, and I ache to have him back again as both. As well as my strongest soul mate, my twin soul. My divine counterpart- I want it all. I want HIM back in all capacities, yes lover too. I crave to have his naked adorable body all curled up in my bed cuddling me, stroking my body gently while we talk and get closer and kiss and nudge and nuzzle and make love. I know "need" is a strong word that is frowned upon in the spiritual community but I do feel like I need him in my life. Something deep inside of me aches for him, reaches out and silently calls for him... and it's a beckoning that is not wavering, lessening not in intensity with the passing of time. It is not a need based on I need him to do something for me. I don't need him to support me physically. I don't need his money. I don't him to offer me shelter or anything like that. I simply need him because I love him. I need him because I love him and the lack of his presence in my life hurts. It's been almost two full years and it still aches. I still miss him as much as I did the moment he walked out my door, except more.
I also feel this sadness over being so afraid of him. I miss him a lot. I read an article not long ago about twin souls and separation that tore me up. The author of the article stressed that they become like a total best friend immediately. You feel comfy being close and sharing. I did. I trusted him. I opened up to him. We talked CONSTANTLY. He always looked forward to hearing from me, always was excited to respond. He wanted to call and say hello, and he often did. I don't think I ever had to call the man the entire time we dated because he was always calling me to say hi! He knew what time I got out of church and he'd call to say good morning. He'd call to say good night and talk for two hours in bed. We bonded so fast and so tightly and then when separation happened it felt like my best friend fell off the face of the earth! It is so hard! It's a grief that cannot be explained, to feel like someone is gone even though he is still out there somewhere. Yet he could not be for me the same man he was just days before. That "switch," the disappearance of the "best friend" and lover, really the experience can't be put into words. It's something only other twin souls can understand otherwise it just doesn't make sense; it can't be comprehended unless experienced first-hand.
And I am left here with all my memories. Our last night together we sat on my couch and held each other closely. He gave me a huge bag of goodies that I went through and thanked him for while he watched me with a smile. And we cuddled. We kissed for a long time and it started getting late. I was wondering if we'd make love or not since it was getting so late and I knew he was, ugh my aching heart, flying out to CA the next day. I remember looking into his eyes and shyly asking him if he wanted to go upstairs and make love and he softly said, "Did you think I wouldn't want to make love to you?" *sigh* He hugged me even tighter and said, "I feel like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks." And that is exactly how it felt, like it was soooooo much longer than six weeks that I knew him. It felt like we'd been together for months, not weeks. We squished so many hours together into those six weeks that we knew each other face to face. We talked for a month before we met, and about two weeks after he moved away. Then the shift happened and I think of that as "before" and "after." I crave "before." I ache for my sweet loving kind boyfriend. And go ahead and read this and think I can't let go because you are both wrong and right. I CAN let go of the crap and I am trying to. But I cannot let go of him or our love.
So yes this is just a post to share how much I love him, and to reiterate and reaffirm the man I knew. The truth. My God is he a sweet man. I know I say it a lot. I know it must get annoying but oh well, I miss my love because he is a wonderful man and he treated me with only TLC when we dated. He walked into my life, my angel, and swept me off my feet. He showed me this love that I only imagined could exist, like a total fairy tale love! EVERYTHING was perfect with him! He brought me little gifts on every visit, trinkets that said, "I was thinking of you today and bought you these cookies because I thought you might like them." Or, "I was thinking of your son and thought he'd love to try these Pop Rocks." You all just have no idea how that touched my heart, those small yet hugely loving gestures. OMG- I can't get over it, can't get over HIM. I want my angel back, my gift. I was given this huge gift of him and his love, and I dearly dearly ache to have my love back. I can hardly breathe without him. There is no future I want to see without him. Some might call that "co-dependent" but I call it my heart, my truth. I DO put one foot in front of the other, daily. I have created a good life for me and my son. I have every single thing I could ever want... except for one MAJOR thing- James. I don't have James. I do not have romantic love in my life and it kills me, okay? I am MADE for his sweet love. MADE for it. Meant for it. So to be without him... nothing else matters except for my child. My dear son.
My endearing child keeps me here, and I am so not ashamed to say that. "God" knew what it was doing in blessing me with my child because now I can't go anywhere but stay right here on earth. So on the days when the ache and longing and heartache is so overwhelming that I feel like I can't take it anymore- I know I can and I have to because I have my son who needs me. I just wish that James could experience life with us two now, share our love. And I dream of being blessed with his presence in our lives as well. He'd make such a great step-daddy for my son. He told me more than once, so soft and gentle, that he doesn't know how to be a daddy but he could learn. And he'd be such a wonderful father. Sweet, gentle, kind, strong and totally REAL. Aware, enlightened. So yes my heart is aching and I cannot help it. There is no "getting over it" for me or distracting or moving on or any of that. Impossible, absolutely impossible.
I don't always like it. I don't always like thinking of him nearly every waking minute of every day. But I can't help it. I can't help but have every love song remind me of him. I can't help but think there is no other man out there for me who would be the perfect like he is. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man, a lover, a soul mate and a best friend. I just want to love him, so much. To have his wonderfully sweet self back in my arms, or his arms reaching around me as we kiss, pulling me closer, always closer, would be heaven on earth.
Being with him WAS heaven on earth. I believe this now- I believe I actually experienced heaven on earth, in love with an angel, my angel. That is my truth, and I can't let go of it.
It is said that love is not meant to hurt, and I know that. I wish I did not hurt. But being this in love with another human being who is not with me- I can't help but have the ache along with the love. I will always love him. My love will always exist, strong and true. No matter where he is or what he is doing I will always love him {and yeah I know I sound like a Whitney Houston/Dolly Parton song right now lol.} But it is truth. I feel like he never experienced that sweet true love before, and neither had I when we met. And we gave that to each other, and we were meant to. And I want to love him again. I want to bless him with my strong unique genuine love and self. I KNOW this man loved me for my uniqueness, for my quirks, for my passions, for my rare love. I know it. He more than "accepted" my differences; he embraced them. He embraced ME. I excited him. Just knowing he could be with me, around me and call me his turned him on in all ways, made him happy.
I miss that. I miss him. I miss our time together. I don't want to be lonely for HIM any longer. I just want him back, so so badly. I know some people attest that the twin soul energy can come to us in different forms, in different bodies, in different people... but I am in love with THIS people, this person. My love.
And that is all. Me sharing my heart. A few out there will read this and cringe. Some might think co-dependent and obsessed. Some might think lost in love. Some will read it and understand- and I can tell you only the open-hearted twin souls out there will really understand me, know my ache and understand it is uncontrollable, and that's okay. We are all on different paths. Mine is one of love. Undying, unending love. I choose to share my feelings here, and I do. I love him. And I always will. I was able to let my past soul mates go. This one, not at all. He's in my blood, in my cells, in the air I exhale and inhale. He is a part of me somehow, and I cannot get him out of me. He will always be here, inside me. I just really really dream of having him also in my arms, warming my bed, smiling at my door. On my couch kissing me, moving my hair back, touching my face, smiling into my eyes again. My sweetheart, and me his honey.
It's seriously all I can do to be good to myself, do anything that keeps me happy, and love him. Remember him in all our loving glory. Because I fucking miss him like there is this big gaping hole in my heart. Please pray for me. Thank you!
To "dismember" something is to take it apart, kind of destroy it. Sometimes it feels like I did that in my initial time with James. We met and created the beautiful start of a wonderful relationship that had the potential to turn into a future together. With my fear I "dis-membered" that blissful situation. I took something that was "together" and broke it apart. I am not trying to be mean to myself or point blame, only make a point.
I had my palm read this weekend at a street fair. She... knew my story. In this post I won't write everything she said but she knew I am very mothering {although I was alone, not with my child} and she told me, "You know there are other children here. You are meant to have more children." She meant fully that I am meant to have another baby. Then she read my cards and pulled the "twin spirit" card almost immediately, and she told me I am the one keeping him away. By that time she had asked me what I was holding back and I told her I have a twin soul. She wanted to read my cards and the second card she pulled was the "twin spirit" card and she said, "Yes there he is." She said, "You know he is meant to come back to you, and you are the one holding him back." And she told me what to do...
She said, "Grab a notebook just like the one there," and motioned to a spiral notebook she had laying on the table beside me. She told me to connect with him in spirit by "writing to him." Of course she did. She said write about the past happy times together and envision our happy times in the future. She said, "You know he is meant to come back to you so believe it."
The word "remember" keeps coming to me. I heard some songs this weekend about remembering. When I was talking with the psychic I told her I want to de-create the fear I made and re-create the love. She said, "Exactly!!!" So how to do it? This is where I think "re-membering" comes into play.
I am considering "re-membering" to be the opposite of "dis-membering." I literally "dismembered" my relationship with James through my fear-based thoughts and energy. What if I can re-member it {put it back together} through my love-based thoughts and energy? By remembering him? What if I can bring us back together, recreate the love, by remembering our love together? Remembering means to consciously bring forth a good thought about a person or event, to bring it to mind again. We can remember bad stuff too but most people like to remember the good times, not the bad times.
From a blog I visit- this is about communicating with our twins while separated:
"5 Ways to Communicate when “apart”
Work on getting out of your analytical ego mind. Even if you’re not
able to silence the doubts or skepticism completely, make a deal with
yourself that you’ll at least give it a chance – and you’ll stay neutral
for now. When you do this you open up your channel much more. The
analytical mind tends to “shut the doors” of communication instantly, as
it searches for problems and anything that is outside of your previous
experience.
Meditate on your Twin, send them love, tell them that you miss them,
think about the fun and loving things you’ve done or you’d like to do
together, communicate with them mentally – converse just for fun, use
creative visualization to experience your ideal situation with your Twin
(creative visualization is an ancient Hindu method originally developed
by sages, and which top athletes, actors and business people today use
to secure success).
Your Twin will feel this. Even if they are completely
“unspiritual” as a person and are normally not in touch with their
feelings, they will sense something. Their perception of you will
change. They will start thinking about you more. They will suddenly
remember the happy moments you spent together. They will dream of you.
Because on the energetic plane you are communicating with them.
This communication might come through in different ways for each
individual but I guarantee that they will pick up on it some way or
another. The Twin Flames are too closely connected not to.
How will you use your power?
Doing this as well as clearing your energy regularly (have a look at the Vibrational Alignment Course,
which includes both audio tools and written methods) is the fastest,
deepest way to get results. So the answer is you are always in
communication with your Twin.
Now it’s up to you how to use this communication though.
Do you send your Twin anger or love? Do you seek to push them away or
draw them nearer?"
Her blog post, found here,
http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/q-a/communicating-with-my-twin-during-separation/
explains what I am talking about. She says, "Meditate on your Twin, send them love, tell them that you miss them,
think about the fun and loving things you’ve done or you’d like to do
together, communicate with them mentally," and she asks if we are sending them love or anger? I have to admit I've sent my twin anger before. I can even slip into it now when I allow my fearful ego to take over. I have to be very conscious of controlling my thoughts. It's been my problem this entire journey. My THOUGHTS have kept us apart.
The only action I can take right now is to lovingly "remember" him. Honestly. In all his goodness. The man I write about here, the man who is my angel. The man who found heaven in *my* kisses. The man I know is truth. The gentle man who showed me how precious I actually am. See I can write this blog and speak my TRUTH here but then later when alone my fears can and do take over sometimes. I am battling against that. I am fighting to know only love because only love is truth in these twin soul unions. I am remembering my sweet boyfriend, my Love. He deserves to be remembered with fondness and truth so this is what I am working on right now. The rest of the "nonsense" that came later isn't truth. It does not need to be re-membered. The crap he's had to show me should not be brought back to mind and made real again!!! It is not meant to be recalled. It was meant to show me something in that moment and then to be "let go." It was meant to make me more AWARE but once that awareness has been achieved then the action my twin had to take to do it should be totally let go, wiped away like it did not exist. He never wanted to have to show me anything scary in order to get me to see my fears so I should not hold on to his actions and instead I should only remember his truth, the sweet man who was my reality for a couple blissful months. The increased awareness remains but any "hurt" from the action that brought the awareness needs to be let go. That is what "letting go" is about- letting go of the nonsense {mirrored fear} but holding on to, re-membering {recreating} the love which is truth.
I am going to try my hand at explaining what I feel is the difference between HOPE and EXPECTATION. Allllll throughout this twin soul journey you will hear people saying "Don't have any expectations." Like... go ahead and write to your twin soul but don't have any expectations. I've always asked myself why having expectations is a bad thing? Isn't it akin to "hoping" which is the same as praying and wishing... and all lead to manifestation when done with positive energy? Positive energy meaning I don't think any of us should be saying a prayer of, "Oh dear God please I don't want to fall on my ass!!!" because that will only lead to more ass-falling. But on the flip side making the hear-felt wish of, "I really wish to have a positive productive day and that the meeting I am hosting turns out as great as I plan it to!" Now THAT is the attitude you need in order to manifest. No no to the ass-falling!!!
So why is "expectation" singled out as the red-headed step-child in the twin soul journey? All I can come up with is this: there is something about that word "expect" that is tinged with this nasty feeling of ENTITLEMENT- and I do not like the energy behind a feeling of entitlement. Entitlement is when a mom asks her son to mow the grass {because she takes care of his every need} and he "expects" to get paid for it instead of just hoping she might slip him ten bucks. Entitlement is an lofty sense of "You owe me." It's doing a favor for someone and expecting something in return instead of simply lending a helping hand. Now if a friend spends all day helping a buddy move in then he can hope the buddy might spring for pizza and beer at the end of the day but unless otherwise specified the helper should not expect something in return for helping. But he can hope for it.
I think hope is having an optimistic heart's desire. And that is okay! Aren't we meant to "Dare to dream!!??" How can we dream without hopes and wishes involved? The best way for me to explain the difference between expectation and hope is with the following: I learned early on after separation that there is nothing I can do in 3D like push, prod, beg, manipulate or cajole my twin soul into responding to me if I contact him. Whether or not he responds has all to do with my energy and whether or not I am ready to get a response from him. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with desire to pour my heart out to him and I do. And then I HOPE and pray to get a response that reflects love. I am surrendered enough to never ever EXPECT to get a response. Expecting to get a response leads to the energy of, "Why the fuck isn't he responding to me? Doesn't he know it is rude not to respond? I can't believe he's ignoring me like this!" Expecting a response is continuing to live this union in a 3D manner where you write to him and you expect that he's going to respond back to you just like all your other non-twin soul friends or loved ones, and it does not work like that with a twin flame. There is no sense of "I wrote to you and now I am entitled to a response so you'd better respond soon or else I'm going to lash out at you and tell you how rude you are for not responding." No no no, none of that works with twin souls. Hoping for a response is okay though! Sending a message of love and then praying to hear something in return is fine. Being patient yet still wishing to hear back... all of that is okay. There is nothing wrong with hoping, wishing, praying. But to rigidly "expect" it as if you are entitled to a response, yeah that's not gonna work out too well for you in a twin soul union. Really unless you are involved in a contractual type of obligation where some sort of prior agreement was made that "I am going to do this thing and then you will do that for me in return," like working a job to get paid expectation should be avoided in all walks of life.. But hoping, dreaming, wishing... that energy, in my opinion, is fine. You can also take some responsibility and work on nurturing your inner love energy with the confident hope that it will draw you flame closer to you. But don't join yoga, write a novel and take in twelve homeless cats "expecting" that you now deserve your twin soul back because you've earned it through your good deeds because all that will lead you to is a hairy couch on which your new book lays next to your yoga mat... but no twin soul. You cannot "earn back" a twin soul or do something to "deserve" him to be in your life. You can't do some act or growth and "expect" some specific outcome, and worse yet then get pissed off when it does not happen.
But you sure can make changes, work on your energy, love yourself and your twin, and hope for the best while you dream big!
A lot of people tell me, "You deserve to have a good man who loves you!" My friend who lives with me, she and I both kinda cringe at the use of the word "deserve." To me it has a shitty, pissy feeling to it. Like a cross child stomping his foot, having a hissy fit while saying, "But I deserve the toy mama!" Instead of me saying, "I deserve love!" I feel more comfortable thinking, "I am meant for love. I am ready for love, I am hoping and dreaming for love and I am confident that it will soon arrive." To me that word "expectation" goes hand it hand with the energy of, "Well I deserve it!" And believe me I have fallen into the trap plenty of times during this journey. "My life has been so hard... I've had so many challenges... I'm a good person... I help others... so I DESERVE to be happy." And at the end of the day that statement STILL sounds childish and peevish to me. No- I am meant to be happy. I was created to be happy. I didn't have to earn it- it's already there waiting for me. But I do need to be energetically healthy in order to allow my happiness to me.
I don't like to say "I deserve for my twin soul to be in my life!" What sounds more genuine to me is, "I am meant for him to be in my life. He is my destiny." There are completely different energies between those two statements, one of entitlement and expectation, and one borne of a confident hope.
So again, I think there is a difference between the energy of "expecting" something to happen, like it's a direct give and take, tit for tat, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, I will love you if you fulfill a, b, c & d for me and the energy of hoping for something good to happen, being confident it will happen, keeping good thoughts and dreams inside for it to happen, praying to God it will happen, and then allowing it to happen. There is so much less resistance with the energy of HOPING than there is with expectation. There is something more unconditional about hoping than there is with expectation.
I can see where the saying, "Expectation is the root of all disappointment" makes sense. Because when you expect something to happen and it doesn't then you are disappointed. But when you hope for something to happen and it does- you are elated.
Ahhhh... that middle picture explains so much, and the date on it was two days before James went quiet. On October 15th we had not crossed that veil yet. He sent me a photo of him holding up a sign with his scrawling handwriting, "I LOVE you Jen!" And his smile is adorable, and I do mean ADORABLE. It is the most vulnerable, heart-on-his-sleeve gesture: him standing there will this silly heart-warming intensely sweet smile holding a sign telling me how much he loves me.
So much love.
I have to be honest about something. I have been uncomfortable writing much because to some it may seem I am "obsessed" with someone who does not want me or who has moved on. Yet again I found reference on the web of a woman who sounds just like me. She recognizes the intense mirroring from her twin, going as far as to call it "creepy" and inescapable and until the fear is gone and only unconditional love known, the push/pull will continue to happen, and man that pulling really can hurt. I miss him SO much and pray for the day where I can stabilize the energy and he can come back to me instead of having to pull away again, or me pushing him away with my energy. Me running away. She says they WILL lie when they are reflecting our fears, and that is my experience. I get lies when I doubt or when I turn from the union. That is my reality.
Putting all of that to the side though, I am very much in love with James. There is an overwhelming ache in the middle of me right now. Two years ago right now we were sharing blissful new love together. Reminders of him are everywhere. Last night was the first time I've been out to a bar since we were out on the "dream date" in Chicago. And old friend and I went out karaoke, and I had a really good time. It's been forever since I've sang karaoke and I love to sing. I have a beautiful voice and singing skyrockets my energy level. I actually might get my own karaoke machine simply because when I feel shitty singing helps me feel better. Another guy with us is sober so he wasn't drinking either, and actually a couple other people at the bar did not drink. I didn't feel out of place at all, and I did not crave a drink whatsoever. I had soda and was cool with it, sang karaoke sober and all was well with the world.
Well not really. I missed my twin soul. I always miss James. That is the God's honest truth. If I am awake then I am missing my twin soul. That dull ache is constantly there. I can't ignore it. I can't push it to the side. I can't detach from it, distract from it, love myself enough to not feel it anymore It has nothing to do with loving myself so much that I don't need him to love me as to fill some kind of non-existent void. There is not some huge gaping wound inside of me that I am desperately needing him to heal for me That's already be done.
I just love him. I love him like those pictures above express. I love him to where I honestly don't think I could ever love another man with the same connection, intensity, depth, emotion, etc. So it's karaoke last night. I actually put on some makeup and spent time on my hair. I wore my favorite boots. I felt pretty good. We met for dinner first to catch up because I have not seen this particular friend since... high school maybe! It's been ages. Her friend joined us and both were easy to talk to, interested in the paranormal, artistic-types, writers, etc. So lots in common!
Her friend was the first to sing a song. As soon as he started singing I glanced at the words on the screen and my heart stopped because the lyrics were... insanely poignant. Creed's "My Sacrifice." I'd just written to my one twin soul friend that maybe James has sacrificed for me like my Higher Will always told me he was. Maybe he's been in love with me from afar, just dying to be with me, and had to sacrifice that strong deep love he quite obviously felt for me when we dated in order to help heal me. I mean think about it for a second. Just suspend disbelief for a moment and think about it. This man was like a shaky exuberant puppy in my presence. Me being around him lit him up. He almost trembled when he touched me. He came over as often as he could, and when he was with me he always had to be touching me even if it was only holding hands. And he wanted to kiss me for hours. I am not exaggerating. He came to my home, we'd chat for a bit, and then we'd kiss. And smile into each others eyes kinda shyly, cutely, and kiss some more. And miss more and more and more. I remember feeling like I was going to melt into him and become one. I remember feeling like I'd probably drooled buckets into his mouth {gross I know be he didn't seem to care.} We KISSED like, gah, like... like in our kisses we'd found Nirvana, or Heaven on earth, total and pure bliss. We'd get drunk on each others kisses. He bonded with me. He spoke marriage to me. This is a man who said to me, "I was thinking about proposing to you when I got back! I want to marry you and make love to you to create a baby born of all of our love that we an raise together in all of our love." And he had to move away from me, and he had to be torn from his love, and he had to go very very quiet. He went from nearly begging me in his sweet way to please send him a picture or video so he could see me, from texting me all day long, from talking for hours and asking for just a few minutes longer before hanging up, telling me he wanted me to come out and look at houses with him, AND he said he wanted me AND MY SON to come visit him {he said my son too, not just me, God please save my breaking heart, oh my God... sometimes remembering tears my heart out} and constantly saying over and over again, "I love you. I just love you so much," and even telling me he was afraid he might lose me... to overnight "shutting off" and seemingly/freakishly/unrealistically "shifting" into a different person.
A person borne of my own fears and disbelief.
So looking at it from HIS perspective, yes maybe he DID sacrifice for me. Maybe he was feeling HUGE overwhelming love for me, the same love I was feeling for him, and maybe it hurt like Hell for him to have to leave "his love" like he always told me. The man told me he was CRYING and I screamed out in my mind that he was a LIAR. I nearly wrote to him and called him a liar when he told me he'd been crying all morning over having to leave me. Little did I realize at that time he already knew my every single thought despite whether or not I expressed it to him in 3D. I can go back through those conversations and see where he showed me his huge real love, and then where I'd have a huge doubtful scary thought and he'd reflect that right back to me. I used to think something was wrong... and now I see it perfectly. And I can tell he didn't WANT to tell me anything besides his truth which is his love for me.
So the first song sung last night was "My Sacrifice" by Creed. James once told me our love would take "sacrifice." Out of fear and wrong assumptions on my part I assumed he meant a sacrifice on MY part, like me picking up and moving out to him. Now I don't think he was saying that at all. I think he was maybe talking about his sacrifice, how we had to sacrifice being together for right now in order to show me what I needed to see about myself, my shadows, my debilitating fears and doubts concerning my self-worth. When I realized the lyrics I sat there stunned. I looked at his photo which is my screen saver on my phone, the angelic shot of him holding up his heart-on-his-sleeve "I LOVE you Jen" sign, and I tried not to sob. I really don't think these lyrics can be a coincidence, "I just want to say hello again." They struck me deeply:
"My Sacrifice"
"Hello my friend, we meet again
It's been awhile, where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
I just want to say hello again
When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
Cause when you are with me I am free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice, My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
I just want to say hello again
My sacrifice."
My last song last night was "Babe" by Styx. I sang it for James. I hope he realizes I know his heart is in my hands, and that I know he is missing me. I love him deeply, and I am working very hard to shift my energy from fear to love.
There are others out there who realize the twin will be the perfect full complete mirror, and when there is tons of fear and doubt to be reflected- the shit can hurt. Fears are lies so yes a twin will lie, blatantly, to show us our fears. I can't help it if there are people who read my blog and do not believe that. I know it is my truth, and the truth of many out there walking this path. A twin canNOT only show love if there is other shit in there to be reflected, unearthed, "enlightened" by shining a bright harsh spotlight on it. It's like psychic surgery with no anesthesia besides the knowing that none of it is true or real, only illusion, only brought up and out so it can be released. So we can become AWARE, able to change thought-patters and beliefs from fear to love.
I don't like getting hung up on the labels "twin soul" and "soul mate." Like a "soul mate" is just anything. "Well he's just a soul mate and not your twin soul." <---- there is no justification or truth to that statement. The diminishing word "just" should not even be breathed when used in conjunction with the word "soul mate!!!" A soul mate is not "just" anything! A soul mate is exceedingly special. The way I differentiate between a twin soul and a soul mate is VERY simple yet offers the due respect to both connections... in my experience one is used as a PARTIAL mirror, and that is the soul mate. The other is used as the FULL mirror and that is the twin soul.
This is why with a soul mate there are still signs, synchs and divinity at play. They are special soul connections! Very special but in my experience my soul mates only showed me certain specific aspects of myself. Not everything, not by far! There were times I was terrified of how they felt for me but all they did was reassure me of their love, treat me gently, push me through fear but with love. Maybe it got a little uncomfortable here or there but never like with James, not even close. I was forced to make hard decisions with them but in the end there was only love between us. They NEVER ever EVER had to "separate" from me in the manner that my twin souls does. We had none of the unearthly quiet, the inability to respond, etc. None of that was evident in my soul mate connections. Maybe it happens for other soul mates but not for me. Maybe a soul mate is more "gentle" in a way because it has to show us less about ourselves.
I want to be TOTALLY honest about something here, and it's such an important distinction in my experience. The LOVE I felt with my soul mates and my twin soul was similar. I am not going to lie about that. I loved all of them deeply, immediately, intensely and the love was soooo not of this world. Not all of them are what I'd normally find "physically attractive" yet OMG I found them completely totally irresistible. Their *energy* was magnetic! Palpable, not of this world. The true bliss felt in being with them was a gift, all of them. So the love feeling was similar with all of them. When James kissed me... I was floored and also a bit scared. Well a LOT scared because I literally recognized the soul connection. I'd already recognized it *duh* but the kiss sealed that deal. And it kind of scared me because soul connections for me so far had meant "learning" and growth, and it was growth that had not come without heartache. Big love but also heartache.
There were differences between James and my soul mates though. I've explained the differences before. My relationship with James was different, more somehow. Deeper. Blissfully slower, Magnetic but we were able to take it slow and be so real and genuine, and it was such a blessing to me to be able to simply exist in the presence of a man without being physical past holding hands and kissing. I mean I WANTED him greatly. Ugh he's fucking adorable as Heaven!!!! Imagine what kissing an angel feels like... sweet holy Jesus. I'll bet kissing James feels like what it would be like to make out with Jesus... ha. Now there's a thought but minus the scratchy hippy-beard because my twin soul stays totally clean shaven ;) But seriously- he was like kissing unconditional love. Oh. My. God. Those are kisses you never want to end. You hold off on taking it any further because you don't want to interrupt those delicious hours and hours of being so innocently intimate. Angel kisses. THAT was different than my soul mates. Their kisses were beautiful too but the connection itself was different, somehow it was more limited {it had to be} but I in no way shape or form want to diminish what I had with them- it was just less... faceted. It was different.
It was not as complete as it was with James.
Major difference between James and my soul mates, of course, is he is the full mirror. He's the guy who has had to do the "dirty work" of showing me not only love but fear. THERE is the big difference!!! James shows me the fear too, and that's a whole other ball of wax. So maybe some of your out there are thinking... well if you felt similar love with your soul mates then go find another soul mate. It might be as stimulating, connected, etc. and now you're through most of your deep shit so you can accept the love and it will be all hunky dory, right? WRONG. Know why?
Because when you have been to Hell and back again with a person you become very bonded to him!! My parents went through Hell together too and they could have split in the end and went opposite ways but they did not. They made it through together, and they felt closer and more bonded, closer and more in love, for it in the end. My situation is much different since most of this stuff between me and James is of the divine, not of 3D, and from a distance but still I have been through spiritual war with this man by my side. It's not... some flight of fancy. Not a fly-by-night journey. I am deeply connected to him even more so through the pain and heartache. We have an even deeper bond because it HAS been hard. Yeah love is easy! It feels fucking great, love does! But sometimes when you've been through Hell with someone then YOU LOVE HIM EVEN MORE FOR IT. That's how I feel about my James. I love him even more for all he's had to do for me, and I can't just walk away from him now.
So shit, maybe the love could be very much the same between soul mates and twin souls. I dunno. But the twin soul is different because he has to push us through all our fears too, not just show us love. All I know is I am very much in love with THIS ONE SINGLE PERFECTLY AMAZING HUMAN BEING and I do NOT want another one! I DO NOT WANT A DIFFERENT PERSON IN MY LIFE. I want James. I want the one with whom I've walked this journey. My Beloved soul mate, My lover, my friend.
Can't anyone out there understand that? That I love him MORE for it??? Not less? Even if I am still a bit scared I still love him more for it and I can't imagine anyone but my sweet twin in my life now, after this entire divine journey we've been on TOGETHER?
So a little more on the "differences" between soul mates and twin souls...
I think of the soul mate as cleaning one room of a house,or maybe a spring cleaning of the whole house. But the twin soul is gutting the ENTIRE house from top to bottom, maybe even knocking down some walls and shit. Or in some cases nearly demolishing the entire house and having to start from scratch again. And in the worst cases, having it burn down to the ground, the ashes and debris cleared away, and a brand new house built from the foundation up. That is the twin soul. The soul mate is doing some general house cleaning or cleaning slowly from room to room. The twin soul on the other hand is blowing shit up in order to break it up and clear it away- but with the intent to rebuild a happy home in the end.
Or think of it like this... imagine you physically had loads of things wrong with you on which you had to have surgery performed. Like all different areas of your body: head, arms, legs, spine, stomach, feet, etc. A soul mate would be like having one single surgery done at a time. Then you are left to heal for a while, gently, and another surgery is done by another soul mate who works on the next item of business, maybe a knee replacement is needed. Then some healing and another single surgery, etc. etc. Little by little so the cleansing and healing process is more gentle and at a slower more easily-acceptable and less noticeable pace.
The twin soul though... that's like being worked on all at once. Bing, Bam, Boom. Surgery after surgery, shit being removed at a fast, urgent, intense and dedicated pace. It's more brutal, especially the more shit you need removed or worked on. You may beg the surgeon to slow down, to cut you some slack, to stop hurting you already- but the surgeon can't stop because he knows it's for your own good, and he agreed to help heal you no matter how brutal that full-body surgery has to be. In the end you may even come to hate the surgeon a little due to having all that shit pain inflicted on you but- sometimes that which does not kill us makes us stronger in the end.
Just some ruminating on a dark rainy morning. I only got four hours of sleep because I actually stayed up past midnight last night. Being out and social for the firs time in... forever was a refreshing change. But still I wished I had my Beloved twin soul by my side. I love him and miss him very very much. This time of year of course reminds me of him. I cried on my way home last night, overwhelmed by remembering him. The sky was clear so I took a moment to look up at the stars and say hello to my love. I have no control over any of this in 3D. NONE. Utterly none. The only 3D control I have is over my own actions and decisions. Anything I plan on doing to help along reunion is done completely energetically through my heart and good intentions. Eradicating fear, shifting energy, de-creating that which I've created in error and re-creating my dreams. And I DO dream of a future with James, our happy future. I know to only believe love and truth, and yes that can be hard but nothing much about this journey has been "normal" from a "real life" POV so I feel comfortable overlooking stuff that feels like illusion. I know better, and I know we love each other like we did before. I know he's sacrificed for me, and I really feel that he wants to come back to me.
I'd love for that to happen. He's so sweet and good, like me. We are two peas in a pod, my sweet soul friend and me. My arms ache to embrace him again, and I can close my eyes and imagine smooching him for hours. I need to kiss my twin soul again. I pray... I just pray for the day when we are back together again but for now all I can do is trust him and know him in my heart. My little "psychic divine surgeon" deserves for me to defend him and remember him, like this song says. I REMEMBER. I don't know if this song is from him to me or me to him or from both of us but it suits us perfectly. This is why I write. This is why I work to feel him, bring him close to my heart, because I do not want fear to win- that would be so tragic and absolutely unfair to James! It would be so unfair for me to "wake up" and spit in the face of my helper, of my one who only deserves my love. The nemesis CAN win if we let it- and I refuse. Fear is not real. Love is. I will believe in love no matter what it takes.
There's a thought that has come to me over the last week and I want to share it. Like most twin souls after separation happens, I've went through huge amounts of purging and releasing over the last nearly two years. I've also changed for the better some major aspects of my life. All the changes were to transform choices I was making that were not at all self-loving or self-respecting. Before I met James I was treating myself as if I did not value myself or my life. No one around me really knew this. I didn't even realize it. But I was drinking way too much. When I was stressed I'd smoke. I spent a year or so doing that "dating thing" where I went on dates when I didn't even want to. I was physically and sexually close with men I should never have been involved with. I made very unwise choices, harmful to myself choices. I once thought of myself as a wise and responsible person yet I found myself having sex with no protection. It was a sad realization the day I walked into Planned Parenthood and asked to be tested for every STD possible just to make sure I was safe. Because I needed to know for myself, and I needed to know for any future partner. It wasn't like I'd had sex with tons of men, no, but a few bad choices, and it only takes one mistake. I sat in the waiting room and told myself: NEVER AGAIN. I would never again be making shit decisions concerning men, decisions that were as if I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted a clean slate. I wanted to feel like my authentic self, my real self. My "soul self."
I wanted to go back to being the woman I was before my shadow started coming up in me. I was always very... respectful concerning sexuality. I felt it was very special, to be shared with ONLY someone I love, who loves me. But after being in a marriage where I was disregarded maybe I felt unattractive. Maybe I was tired of being disregarded. And I wanted affection not sex but I ended up in situations that were CLEARLY meant to show me what I do not need in my life. It just took a while for me to "wake up" to it. After I got the clean bill of health from Planned Parenthood I was like, "Oh happy day!" And I made a commitment to only share myself with a real love in the future, and I kept that promise to myself.
I met my twin and felt safe and comfortable making love with him. Since I'd already been tested I knew it was safe for both of us, and I fully trusted him. There was this moment after we separated where I almost lost it though. My OBGYN's office sent me a letter telling me my last exam had come back with an issue and I was supposed to call the office. It said it could be a sign of a STD. I about lost my mind. All I could think was, "And I had sex with my twin- OMFG!" I thought maybe the prior test missed something. I called. I was on hold forever while they located my file. The entire time I was on hold I prayed so hard I'm surprised I did not pass out. I begged God to please please let it be nothing, and I told God I'd be so super careful to not fuck up any progress I'd made in loving myself and treating myself better, that it would be a long time before I shared myself with anyone. It would have to be the perfect situation, only love, very careful, etc. etc. Well the nurse came on the phone and said it was a mistake and everything was fine and I hung up and cried tears of relief. And tears for myself that I even had to go through that based on the lack of self-love I showed myself in the past.
Now it's been nearly two years of celibacy since James was the last man I even held hands with. And that's okay for me. It shows that I've healed a ton- the difference is night and day since before I met him. The love we shared was so pure, so genuine, so healing that I am happy to hold the memory close to me and in place of sex with anyone else. If I need release I can easily do that safely for myself, and it is self-loving. James offered me back my innocence, and I love him very much for it. He told me last year that I am real and genuine and it's something rare and not found these days. He said he thinks it is what he loves most about me. I will always hold that intention close to my heart.
And the drinking is done. I have not stepping into a bar since I was out on my dream date with James. I know I will be in a bar in the future since I want to karaoke but I won't drink- I do love to sing though. I have a good singing voice and singing makes me happy. And the smoking is done. And no stupid dating. No sexting guys just so they'll pay attention to me. No trying to be someone I'm not {even unconsciously} because I want a man to like me better. No wasting my time and energy on unnecessary experiences and instead that time and energy has went towards my healing and me being the best mother I can be. No being out so late, coming home drunk, smelling and tasting like smoke or even worse regretting some bad decision I made. Oh THANK GOD for my healing. My life is just so so SO different, night and day, than before I met my twin soul. Those self-hating choices were all based on my shadow coming out, ego flaring. Not me being stupid. I needed to heal. I was wounded. God has helped me heal and it's been a process that has hurt. And I needed SO much healing that a twin soul had to help me. I've fought a lot of fears in these last two years. And I've grown hyper-aware of what my fears look like and feel like. I KNOW them. They are no longer sneaky. I know they are false.
The life I live is simple and pure. It's been purified. I don't spend much money on material items unless they are necessary. I rarely shop- I hate shopping unless it's for beads or books! I have not bought new clothes for myself in ages since my old stuff still fits. I have no qualms with buying at Goodwill either. Of course I shop for my little squirt; he's growing like a weed and routinely needs new shoes or pants, lol. I'm not totally altruistic. I have a laptop, an ipad which we use to watch my son's little night time shows on, an a broken iphone that I keep because it still works although it's been shattered to all Hell and is held together with packing tape. I keep my stuff until it's so old that it can no longer be updated. I stay pretty much unplugged from technology. We don't have TV. My son PLAYS all the time. His imagination is huge, and he always finds a way to entertain or occupy himself because I've been dedicated to keeping him sheltered from the "stupid-tube." I spend my money on bills {gotta have a roof over our heads} food and doing fun fun stuff with my child. I have a savings for my future too but most of my extra spending is with my son going to amusement parks, headed away on little trips, fishing, Disney World, etc. I don't spend money on STUFF for me but I do get him little toys and things but all he does is play since we don't have TV or video games in my house, only a kid's show like Curious George for about a half hour on the ipad. I spend my money on making memories and creating joy. I wear little makeup. I'm totally low-maintenance. My skin care and makeup routine takes me five minutes although I am a bit vain about my hair ;) Seriously though I rarely ever shop! My lifestyle is abnormal in today's society. Lots of quiet alone time. No TV at all. Plenty of time with my child. Little spending on material goods. Loving and helping myself and loving and helping others are what is important to me... I basically live the life the bible asks us live to even though I don't live my life by the bible.
Weird, huh? That's what divine healing does to a person!
I sound like I am tooting my own horn but I'm being honest. I do live a good solid clean loving healthy life.
I feel like if I met a new man, someone I liked, that I'd have much much better control over my prior swirling mind, spinning fears. I do NOT WANT to meet a new man. I am only suggesting if I started off with a fresh slate I would not do the same thing I did with James. I would not let my fears control me. I would not let my fears create my reality for me. I'd be able to see my thoughts, be very very aware of my thoughts and intention, and I'd keep the balance swayed towards joy instead of worry. Love instead of fear. I COULD do that now. I HAVE healed. I know where the fears came from. I know them for what they are: illusion. Not truth. I know how to combat them, how to own happiness instead of running from it.
If I met James right now instead of two years ago... it would be much different. I would spend my time telling God "Thank you for my gift! I'm so lucky to have a man who loves me this much. I am grateful for him, and I think he might even want to marry me. We are so happy together. We are perfect for each other. He is so wonderful. He brings me such joy, and I bring him joy too. I am so excited and thankful. This is blissful and his kisses are heaven. I know this man is my destiny! Thank you!" instead of fretting constantly that he was going to leave me or that I was going to get hurt in the end... and that is what I did when we dated. I was thankful for him but I spent more time being afraid and worried than I did being joyful and appreciative of his amazing angelic wonderfulness. I loved him so much but I was far too afraid. I would not do all that fearful shit now now. Not at all. I sure wish I could go back but I guess it does not really work that way! I had plenty to be thankful for in knowing him, and I know he had plenty to be thankful for in knowing me- he told me ALL THE TIME.
And that is my point. I HAVE HEALED. None of this "I need to heal." I HAVE healed. There will always be more enlightenment to achieve but I am over the hump. I've stripped away the bullshit and I am CLEAN now. Pure, whole, healthy in all ways. Genuine. Healed.
I am so tired of feeling like I am fighting to heal when I'm at this place where I feel really strong and, well, healed. My entire existence is different, stronger, than before. Now I no longer worry what others think of me. I am not so sensitive to critical thoughts of others. I do expect to be respected but I don't get hurt by the opinions of others. I stand by my truth. I don't want to be told what to do by anyone but my divine guidance. I respect myself. I stand tall. I know my worth. I realize I am a great person. I did not have these beliefs before. But now I do.
Yet I am still separated, and I know there are many people out there who will say, "Well if you are still separated then it's because you still need to heal." I'm just not so sure in my situation that is true. My guidance clearly told me about the mission between me and my twin. I was told our mission was two-fold: his role in our mission was to heal me any way he had to and my role in our mission was to love him through it, always believe in his goodness no matter what he had to show me, to trust him and to defend him.
I am beginning to wonder if my twin has already fulfilled his mission. He played his role in helping to heal me. And maybe it is time for me to really buckle down and do what I need to do internally to believe in him. To really remember and hold dear to me the darling man I knew before he had to start showing me my fears, doubts, worries, disbelief, etc. I still know I am not committed enough to doing so. I drag my feet. I distract. I get pissed off. I want to run away. And I don't think any of that is fair to my twin. Maybe the reason why we are separated is because I have not fully done MY role in our mission which is love him, trust him, believe in his love and goodness. I am still scared of James. The mirror has been stronger than I have documented on this blog. It's been an intense process. It is not his fault, and I can't forever associate him with non-truth. It has to shift now.
My point is my fear now is ONLY associated with him. If I dated someone new I would not have fear like before. But since James was the one who had to show it to me- I am still associating him with my fear, and I can't do that. I have to really know him, his loving truth. Defend him. Believe in him.
I read the other day on a blog where a woman called her twin a "little coward" because he backed away from her. To call a twin a "little coward" for having to be a mirror is such a slap in the face. My issues come more in the residual feeling I have about him after all the mirroring. I'm aware of what he's had to do for me yet STILL it scares me. I let myself be conditioned to fear regarding him and I really have to switch that around now, no matter the circumstances. No matter the recent mirroring. It's only fair to my twin and to God that I play my role in our mission now. So I'm working at it. I do feel very strong, healthy and healed. I CAN own my increased awareness now, my increased enlightenment. MY HEALING. I am way more Light than I was before. Most of my dark shit is gone, and JAMES has helped me to do all this. Without him I'd defintely not be where I am in my growth, and he's had to scare the shit out of me {quite literally} to do it. I have to love him for that. I HAVE to feel inside of my heart the man I knew before. The man who kissed me for hours, who touched me so gently, who gazed into my eyes with smiles and warmth. Who treated my son with nothing by kindness and generosity. Who treated me like a princess. That man is REAL. He still exists. He is truth.
And I really have to work on owning that truth again. I think that's my part in our mission together. He loves me enough to sacrifice his love for me, sacrifice being with his love in 3D, and I have to know this and be grateful for it, love him and believe in him.
