I woke with this song in my head this morning. "Just remember I love you and it will be alright. Just remember I love you more than I can say." I also had the song "I'm Gonna Stand By You" in my head as I woke a few times during the night. I had a "day" yesterday. Not a powerful day I'd say. Short version is I almost reconnected with an old love-interest, one I know I am not meant to reconnect with. Not because he's "bad!" No, he's a good guy but we've never been able to be together due to life experiences although we've known each other and been fond of one another for a long time, meaning we kissed each others faces off years back and it was a memorable moment neither one of us has forgotten yet otherwise we've never dated or anything. Anyway I was reminded of him yesterday. He's single. Whatever. I spent most of the day battling between knowing it's not "divine will" to want to meet him for coffee or hear his voice again and trying to convince myself that "Well it's only coffee." In the end I think the universe stepped in and I did not connect with him. I'm glad. He's been a temptation on my path before and I can't let that happen again. But it was a temptation yesterday.
That said, I took a good hard fall last night. Literally. On my ass. See there is this thing that I won't explain here because it is too far out, but it seems to be used as a reflection for me. From my twin. I can't prove this 100% but I FEEL it in my bones. And my heart. And last night after spending the day thinking about kissing this other man I saw a reflection I did not like. It pissed me off and I walked out my front door hating the world, hating this experience and hating God. I said out loud, "I hate you!" And I fell. Hard. I hit some ice, feet flew out from under me, phone went flying into the landscaping, and I crash-landed on my side. Luckily I was wearing my bulky winter jacket or I might have broken my arm. I hurt today because my arm and wrist caught most of my fall. But it kind of woke me up, at least right then. I felt like maybe my own anger was being shown to me. It feels like the "reflection" I saw could have very well been the energy of NOT focusing on my love for my twin and instead fantasizing all day about another man. Meaning I did it to myself.
Either that or else I'm seriously just losing my mind.
I'm living an experience right now that no one could easy believe or understand or grasp. I barely can myself. My twin soul friends and I have had distance put between us and we are all in different stages of this journey. My stage seems to the "militantly trying to stay on the twin soul path" scenario and I think to others I seem pretty damn loony. My aunt started in the other day with the whole, "While I respect your beliefs you know I'd really love to see someone nice come into...." and I told her to please JUST STOP. I don't want to hear it. Respect me or don't ask how I am. Respect my beliefs or don't mention this AT ALL. Just ask me how I am, how is work, how is PJ and leave it alone. But do NOT disrespect my beliefs or my heart. So it's a bit isolating and that's weird. I sometimes feel like I am seeing something that almost no one on earth has seen, this pattern, this process, and I don't know what to do with that all the time, seeing something that no one else sees.
But my fall on my ass last night... I lay there crying for a minute in the cold but then I realized I probably created, asked for, that which I saw that made me angry. What I saw pushed all my insecurity buttons. I need to work on that. I can't get mad at what I create. It's all on me. Fuck me, right?
I meant to talk about body image so let me make another post.
Jen
Hmm. It's hard to say, you mention that as twin flames we're all in different places. My TF and I broke up 3 years ago, but I still lived across the street from him and worked with him until a little over a year ago, when I left completely becaus he became involved with someone else. Tough times, for sure, but this last month I realized that whenever I have positive memories surface, I feel this expansive heart opening, but it's immediately followed by sadness and constriction inmy throat. Like the two emotions are coupled, like peanut butter and jelly, can't have one without the other. I've been working on de-coupling them. Observing exactly when and how the Love switches to Sad. My short term goal is to be able to think of him with only Love, no Sad... There's more on how I've been doing this, if you're interested, but don't want to bother you if you're not. Best wishes... Karin.
ReplyDeleteHi and thank you. I'm going to decline your offer of explaining how you separate the love from the sadness but thank you. I am working on it. I really don't think it's abnormal or unusual for me to feel sadness along with the love I have for him. Recalling memories and good times do bring a smile to my face but also a tear to my eye and I'm accepting that for now. I don't think it's that unusual considering how much I miss him. I wish you the best!!
DeleteHi... So sorry. Okay. I didn't think this comment posted, so I put another.... I totally get it, it's so personal. All roads lead to Rome, so... We'll all get there in our own way. Didn't mean to spam... Please delete the other post so I don't look like some freak. I normally dont post to people's blogs, but your story touched me.
ReplyDeleteOh you are fine! It's okay to share. You don't look like a freak, lol. I am glad you decided to comment! Take care and I am glad my words have touched you.
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