That Love

I love him and I miss him.  So much.

Some people would probably say I am obsessed but... what can I do if this feeling is always here?  I am not a stalker.  I don't even know where he lives.  I could find out if I tried hard enough but I am not meant to do that.  So I am out here, thousands of miles away it seems, loving someone and I know nothing much about him besides the sweet things I remember of the moments we shared together.  I don't contact him often.  Once in a while I do if I feel the energy is okay.  If I've done my inner reflection.  If I haven't then it's really a moot point and I may as well just write words of love in my journal and/or think good thoughts to him. 

Please understand if it were not for ALL the signs that point to him being this "twin flame" connection, or whatever this divinely magnetic yet polar "spiritual quantum entanglement" truly is, then I'd be long gone, moved on.  But I do get signs, even from him.  I have heard from James but I am keeping that contact to myself.  The last time I heard from him was Christmas and he said, "Merry Christmas beautiful."  So there are solid reasons, divine and real world, why I am working through this, always hoping, always praying.  Trying to keep the faith.  Wishing and dreaming to see my Love again.

And then there is this LOVE I feel for him.  I've never felt this way about any other man in my life, and I've loved strongly in the past.  But never like this.

He. Is. Special.  Especially special to me.

This deep ache, it is why I love myself so much.  Because I deal with heartache every minutes that I am awake.  And it hurts.  And because of that I baby myself.  Because of that I do not take anyone's shit.  Because of that I do what *I* want to when *I* want to.  Of course there are certain necessary evils like work but even then I have a lot of paid time off and I use it.  I pamper myself.  I take days off and just sit at the coffee shop and think or write or read or talk to strangers.  I DO live in the moment; I have to because it's all I have.  I do not want to waste my life away just because I miss someone.  I did not ask for this twin soul union or separation.  I never wanted to be away from him.  It was not my heart's desire.  I wish we were still together hanging out, kissing and hugging and sharing life and love.  But because I feel he is meant to be with me, and that he does not want me with anyone else and I don't want to be with anyone else, I am alone often.  So due to this "different" life I live, a life where I don't do many of the same things single women my age do like date or flirt or even talk to men, I am going to LIVE it up in other ways.  And it's simple pleasures for me.

Chocolate cake.

Coffee shop time.

Peppermint mochas.

Hot tea.

Beads.

Bookstores.

Books.

The X-Files.

Blank journals and lots and lots of smooth-writing pens.

Dinners out with my Little Man.

Good candy.

Days off to be lazy and... breathe.

Ignoring housework until I feel like tackling it, and smiling about the wait.

Bubble baths.

Lunches out with my friends.

Cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies.

Cheeseburgers.

NO yoga.

"Self-love" and I do mean that kind of self-love.  30 months of celibacy leads to a lot of self-touch mixed with memories of my Love.

So when I say that I try to "remember" my Love and write about our times together don't worry that I am living in the past and not "being in the now."  Because I am in the now.  I have to be- I am raising a sweet little six year-old who demands my attention.  And he is learning to READ, OMG.  He's reading.  My little reader.  He reads to me at night and I cheer him on and it's so damn sweet.

I live for this moment.  But I also miss the times spent with James.  Very much.  And because I am living this strange experience where what I focus on most is what comes into my reality when it comes to James I try to really focus on that man I shared time with.  The one who sat on my couch smiling at me, holding my hand, making me laugh and kissing me for hours on end.  "Non-stop kisses" as he says.  The man who text me and told me he was standing next to Tiger Woods and still all he could think about was me, his sweet girlfriend.  Who brought me European cookies from the import store because some he just knew to do so even though I'd never told him I love those kind of cookies.  Who told me he'd wait however long it took to make love with me because just sitting with me and being with me and talking with me and knowing me and kissing me was enough for him.  Who, after telling me how hot and sexy he thinks I am, would then follow up and share that he also just loves me for me, for my mind and my thoughts and my presence.  Who knew that me being a mother was my main priority so no questions asked he made time and effort to come to my place and be with me instead of ever pushing me to get a sitter, or instead of avoiding me until I could be free.  No, after a long day of work in the city he'd go home then drive to my place and hang with me for a few hours.   Who, good Lord, kept in touch constantly.  Good mornings, good nights, and all the inbetweens.  James always wanted to talk to me or say hello.  He called all the time, left sweet voicemails when I could not answer.  Text just to say hi.  If he was not in my physical presence then he never ever left me hanging.  Never left me wondering.  He is a committed type of guy.  NO fucking games.  No drama.  No chaos.  And I am so not a "drama" type of woman to begin with.  I hate that shit so we make a good pair.  But he knew my worth, and he made sure to show me.  And he was just overall sweet, gentle and kind.  Very affectionate.  My dream come true.  There is a reason why I am still in this, continuing to have faith even when the road can see so very dark.  Because he's so very worth it, and I am worth it.  I WANT that amazing love back in my life!  He's a beautiful love.  A wonderful human being who showed me what it felt like to be loved completely, a strong pur genuine healthy FUN joyous love. 

Always respectful.  Always kind.  Always loving.  And I know this is truly him, my Love.  And I miss him.  We never had a good-bye.  He said it was not good-bye but "until next time."

And I know there will be a next time.  I dream of it every day.  I dream of the moment when I see him at my doorstep again, when I can hug him and never ever ever let go.  All I want to do is hug him.  No questions asked.  No apologies necessary.  I don't need explanations.  All I want is him in my arms, in my life.  I want to touch his face.  God I want to look into his smiling eyes.  I want to kiss him again.  Be kissed by him.  I want to make love for... days, lol.

My good friend said it best when she told me I feel like I am married to him in spirit, and I do.  I only want him.  My heart says, "Please only James."  And I am being true to my heart.  And my soul.  I know my soul is in love with James, and it tries very hard to keep my focused on this "quest."  I think that is why the ache and pull and desire is still so strong, because it originates from my soul.

I love him and I miss him.  So much.

For good reason.

XxOo

Jen