Sobriety? Perfection? Self-Betterment?

This is my life, right here.  And no the cardboard on the window isn't a hole being covered, lol.  It's my son and his addiction to tape and being imaginative.  Who knows why the cardboard is taped to the window?  He probably drew something on it but I can't tell from here.  As an aside, you can kinda see the edge of the couch there and that's where I sat and kissed James for ages, *sigh*

The picture on the wall, the lighter-colored one, is of a mother cuddling her little boy and I bought it at the thrift shop because it looks just like me and PJ.  I want to carefully remove the backing and paint it.  I've always cuddled him and still do.  He loves our cuddle time.

But this picture shows pretty much the jist of my life right now.  Kid, trains, living room as a play area.  But he's happy.  And that's what matters most to me about the things I actually do have in my physical life right now.  My child is happy.  And that brings me satisfaction.  It's really my main satisfaction right now, my happy son.

And I don't even feel bad admitting that.  It is what it is.

I have not been fully sober.  I don't get drunk, just FYI.  Getting drunk sucks ass.

That said, full sobriety is not coming easy to me.  I wish I could say that yeah, I've been able to stay away from drinking altogether but no.  I have not.

I don't let myself get drunk though.  Still I personally know it's better if I don't drink because it makes me feel gross.  Listen I work with women who drink an entire bottle of red wine by themselves more nights than not and if I did that right now I'd be barfing.  An entire bottle of red wine would kill me.  I want to drink enough to take the edge off.  No need to lecture me though.  I should be able to address life with no numbing.  I get it.

But I ask myself- so what do I do about this admission, that I am having trouble staying fully sober?  That a glass of wine or a shot {or two} of whiskey helps, in some cases, me get through my "bad" evenings?  The ones where I miss James so much that I want to claw my own heart out? Do I hate myself for not being stronger?  Do I convince myself that I don't "love myself" enough to be sober?  Do I think that my higher self or God will judge me or my energy will be totally out of whack?

On this twin soul journey we are told we need to "do the work" and most people think of this as getting more healthy, doing yoga, raising vibration, changing ones diet, stopping all vices, meditating, etc.  Becoming "spiritual" and more loving to self and to others, working to achieve unconditional love, low reactivity, and being very healthy in all ways.

Staying JOYFUL!!!  *right*

So what happens when we still have a "vice" like drinking?  Does that keep the twin soul away?  What if I had a glass of wine every night, one, and loved every minute of it with no shame and no guilt involved?  My sister always tells me to quit freaking out.  That I'm not an "alcoholic."  What I am is... lonely.

And should I feel guilty, bad, wrong or weak for being lonely?  What if I don't feel a shit ton of shame or badness in my shot of whiskey?  Some people drink a few beers or glasses of wine every night.  So what happens if I have a glass of merlot while making dinner... and I enjoy the slight buzz I get because it softens the ache I feel just long enough for me to enjoy my child's evening together with me?  I can ache after he falls asleep.  Or during the day while I work.  But not while I'm with him.

Listen I know how this sounds and I am just being totally brutally honest.  Do we have to be PERFECT?  Or should we be free from guilt or shame or self-judgment and instead allow self-acceptance?

What is "the work" we need to do?  In my journey I have my ideas.  To accept myself as I am right this very moment, "flaws" and all, and to also realize that my twin soul loves and accepts me too, just as I am right this moment.  I think that sums it up.  Also to go ahead and derive joy any way that feels good to me, like going to the coffee shop instead of yoga.  Or eating that piece of chocolate cake even though I can't see my hip bones, and to not hate myself because I seriously hate exercise besides going for walks or bike rides.  I LOVE walking the neighborhood or especially in nature, like at the park, but I refuse to go to the gym.  It is torturous for me.  I am really low-movement, and I always have been.  I would much rather sit and read a book than work out!!!  I canNOT understand these people who LOVE to jog, and oh GOD I wish I had that jog-loving gene but I don't.  Then later I feel guilty because I don't like to exercise.  But I don't want to feel guilty.  I just want to be happy with myself and the choices I make in my life.

I want to feel no guilt over my shot of whiskey or my glass of wine.  And I don't want to feel like I'll never reunite if I'm not totally sober and perfect.  Because that's never going to happen.  I'm always going to be gloriously perfectly imperfect.  Unorganized.  A bit flighty.  ENFP all the way.  I have the, "Oh I am SOOOoooo excited about this!  Tell me more!  Yeah, really it sounds great... LOOK a squirrel!" thing going on.  Only shit I am passionate about holds my attention or becomes my mission.  Shit I am not personally invested in? *yawn*  Luckily for me PEOPLE, love, mercy, justice, children, freedom, etc. are all topics I am passionate about.  Good stuff.  Reality TV, Fifty Shades of Gray, Prada... etc. mean nothing to me.  Superficiality is like meh.  Whatev.

But The X-Files does turn me on.  I must admit that.  Huge X-Phile here.  Mulder and Scully are my buddies.  They helped me through a lot.  I'm so excited to see they are back ;)

I don't know how much of this twin soul journey is what people preach it to be.  Spiritual perfection.  Finding "God" {this God outside of ourselves I mean} being so "perfect" and wrapped in 100% unconditional self-love and love for others.  And this ONE person, this twin soul, comes to us, loves us and then leaves to force us to get there?  To this perfection?

I don't think so.

I still think it is much more personal.  And it has to do with us accepting ourselves and our flaws and realizing that we ARE good enough to be totally and completely LOVED and accepted by another amazingly loving human being, a person who is just as rockin' awesome as we are.  To shed ourselves of our fears of not being loveable or keepable or cherishable because it is those fears that we need to shed in order to become that butterfly and reach Awakening.  Love over fear, and it's a very personal journey, "The Hero's Journey."  And of course we MUST love ourselves enough, and know our own personal worth, BEFORE we will ever be emotionally healthy enough to believe that someone else could love us too and want us in their lives forever.

So yes, it does go back to self-love.  But I still don't think we must achieve this perfect level of self-love.  We do have to get past self-loathing, self-harming, self-hatred.  I used to be there, total self-loathing.  And now I can honestly say I LOVE myself.  I protect myself.  I stand up for myself.  I adore me.  I love the woman I am.  I just still have a few issues with my appearance, weight, etc.  And I am terribly lonely for James, and I miss him SO much that it still aches.  I've had to work through a lot in this separation, and I still am!  Residual, the deepest issues are the hardest to root out.  Still though, let's say I used to love myself maybe 15%.  Enough to seem normal and smiley and wear my masks perfectly.  Well now I love myself 90%.  And maybe I won't ever get to 100%, and that's okay.  I don't need to be perfect.  I just have to know I am wonderful.  I am LOVE, and I do.  I am. 

I feel it is WAY more personal than people make it to be with all the talk about it being a "mission for humanity" and all of this.  It is only in the sense that when we love ourselves and are no longer in fear then we project more love out into the world, and love is what we and the world needs now.  But I think that's it.  And if it causes some of us to do spiritual-social-helpful work alone or together, then great!  But I think for many of us life will go on as it is now once we are reunited.  For some of us it will seem like two people in love, in relationship.   Moms, dads, going to work, living aware in a 3D world while being more 4D and 5D.  We tend to read that reuniting with a twin soul is all mystical and "high" and I don't know if I believe that.  I think it has to do with LOVE and accepting ourselves while realizing we are so so so loveable that they DO love us, no matter how it might appear right now.  Believing that they are good people who love us despite what they must show us, and loving ourselves through it all, even the setbacks and moments we wish we could undo.  Please believe me when I tell you that in order to ever reunite with a twin soul you don't only need to love yourself but you really must be able to believe that your twin soul is a good person, loves you, and is helping you NOT hurting you.  You must do this.  And you can't just "love him."  You have to know he loves you too, and he wants the best for you, and he's only playing his role for you.

Love your twin, know he loves you and is your spiritual BFF and helper, and love yourself.  Know the reasons WHY your twin loves you so much!!!

Even when we allow that glass of wine in order to help us relax.  Or we skip the gym and eat the cake.  As long as we can smile and accept ourselves, and love our others.

At least that's how it feels to me.