"Touch"

Ahhh thank God for The X-Files.  It is my escape.  I think the whole premise of never giving up and how they had to believe in their truth despite all of the odds and the "facts" that said otherwise.  It is reflective of the life I live.  The show always spoke to me long before I knew any of "this" was coming, this alternate life that most people could never understand.  And I really love the love they have for one another on the show.  They are definitely written as soul mates, and often fiction is not far off from the truth.  You can tell even as people there is a spark there; they care for each other.  For some reason, as silly as it sounds, this show totally has defined my life so it speaks to me and helps pull me through.  It's one of my "touchstones."  It helps me stay here.  Sounds so dumb but it is one of my loves, one of the things I love most in my life!  I am not the only one.  I think the show speaks to those of us who lead "spooky" different lives, and for those of us who are totally into how much the two characters love one another not based on blatant sexual attraction but a deep respect and compassion for one another. Soul mate love.


I love this fan video.  I love this song, "Touch."  "God I want to feel again."  Falling in love at the first touch.

There is not much in my life that keeps me truly "happy" right now so I latch on to what does and hold on for dear life.  My son is my main source of joy.  Planning another Disney trip brings some fun and happiness.  I know how much he loves it and quite frankly I wish I could live at Disney World.  I wish I had a job there and my son and I could live there.  That said, I live in Indiana, lol.  Because I am not just "happy" I have to work to be happy.  I do have to "create" happiness through fun things, etc.  But still always I am missing James, always, and it's not the happiest feeling in the world to remember a love so pure and good that is not in my arms right now.  It makes my heart ache.

I keep reading that sadness is ego.  And that we are not meant, as souls, to feel sadness- only joy.  Well that is pretty damn hard when I am in love with someone who is not in my life.  It is hard when we don't talk, and for no reason!  There is no "real life" reason why we don't talk.  We had no falling out.  We are friends.  ARE- nothing changed!  So to not talk with him is absolutely killing me inside.  TOTALLY KILLING ME.  It is not normal at all.  He told me we would be friends forever and I know James.  I know he is a good kind compassionate man who would still be talking with me if he could.  I feel that he's hurting too, wants to talk with me.  Probably is dying to come through and be REAL and ease my mind and heart.  I think he realizes how sad I am- but I can only hope he also knows that I don't think it's his fault.  I know it is not.  I am just very sad because I miss him and wish to speak to him again like we did before.  Even like our very first conversation when we were just friends, before we met and really fell for each other.  We are still friends like we were back then.  I want to talk with my friend!!!  Maybe once I have that friend and love back in my life THEN I will be able to achieve a state of effortless joy.  I feel that James still love me too, like he did the last time I saw him.  Nothing has changed.  Anything that appears to be different is only an illusion and I know TRUTH is we are the same, same love and friendship.  Caring and compassion but without him life is just... meh.  I fight for happiness when I just want to be effortlessly happy.  I deserve to be effortlessly happy!!!  And please don't tell me "happiness comes from within" because when you miss someone as strongly as I do every single day then that inner happiness is overridden through this constant ache.  I swear to GOD if I had that strong loving compassionate wonderful "romantic" companion in my life EVERYTHING else would be fine.  No storm, nothing could derail me.  I am the kind of person that without romantic love in my life I am just not happy.  I want that love in my life.  Something is totally missing in my life without him.  Especially when I've already met the love of my life and he is not here.  I can't help but feel just "meh" much of the time without him.

I can't help it.  I really can't.  I can't try and force some kind of constant soul happiness when my heart is aching so strongly.  I can't just erase him from my memory- he is always there.  I wake in the morning and I can feel him.  I woke this morning thinking of our kisses and I will admit I emailed him.  I wrote to him and told him I remember our sweet kisses, losing ourselves in the beauty of one another.  I told him I miss him and I still believe in him and his goodness, and as always I am hoping that one day I can hear his truth again.  TRUTH.  But in the mean time I can only achieve so much emotionally.  I can really try not to feel any anger or resentment about all this.  I realize fully that I created everything I do not like.  I can't blame anyone else.  I did it.  And I am sorry I did it but I didn't know any better.  I did not, as a human being, ask to be a strong manifestor.  That was something that was chosen for me and it's taking some time for me to understand it and use it properly to where I am not wanting to die from the things I'm creating. 

The relationships that last are usually the ones that are based on a strong friendship.  I felt he and I became good friends.  I really do.  And I love and miss my friend.  I don't know if that is a good thing energetically or bad.  I don't know if missing him will keep him away from me.  I only know it's really hard for me to not miss him and want him back in my life.  I still imagine a life with us together.  Married.  A family.  Him as PJ's step-daddy.  Us kissing and hugging always.  Together!  Waking next to one another, being able to cuddle all night long.  Cooking together or for one another.  Being good to each other.  Traveling and loving life together.  I want to hug him again so bad.  I want to hold him.  I'd cry.  It's been so intense and I really NEED to feel my honest true friend again.  I miss him and yes sometimes it makes me sad.

It's how I feel.  So I try and do stuff that makes me happy.  Share time with loving caring friends.  Watch a good movie or read.  Now I am rewatching The X-Files and I started Supernatural.  I need an escape into fiction I suppose.  Sometimes I need a break from life, break from thinking, an escape.

I want to escape into his arms.  We were so good together.  SO GOOD.  And you don't understand what it is like to kiss your love before he leaves to go far far away and then... all this time later I still have yet to hug him again.  It is very hard to take.  It's a really painful way to learn.  My heart aches for him.  My heart calls out to him.  I PRAY so hard to hear from my love soon.  My love.  The man who sent me funny links all the time and made me laugh.  Who talked with me on the phone for hours, until morning, about us and love and our future or we discussed science or religion or the world.  We talked.  A lot.  We were always in contact, always.  He made sure of it.  He was so considerate of making sure to reply to me or check on me or just say hello or his countless I love yous."  James always always said I love you.  I miss those I love yous.  I wish I could get another one.  It is not easy to know I had the best man in the world in my life and suddenly he just disappeared and I've been aching to hear from him for a really long time now.  He has such a happy sweet little face.  A glowing smile and I can remember how he smiled at me the first time we met.  I still totally can see his adorable face in my mind.

Life felt best when I was with him.  It was so good when I was with him.  I am having a hard time doing without him. I just want him back here hugging me and holding my hand and kissing me again.

I don't know what to do.  I can manage to release everything else but I just cannot shake this damn sadness.  It won't go away no matter what I do.  I miss his happy face.  I love him so much. Even to just have a real conversation with James.  A REAL conversation.  Not damn fear mirroring!  NO!  I want to talk to the REAL kind honest loving man I met and dated and fell in love with who fell in love with me too.  I want to talk with him.  I'm begging God- please let me talk with that man again.  I really am working hard to make that happen.

 I cannot do without you.

 "Faces"

Pour me some wine, join me tonight
Surround me with your happy faces
Share some fun stories, stay up all night
Surround me with your friendly faces
Then look at me, when I'm not aware
Then you'll see, I cannot do without you
I'll be right there, if you ask me to
If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you
And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand
Like I know you'd do for me too, like I know
You'd do for me too

Pour me some wine, join me tonight
Life is so good when I'm with you
I needed the laughs, I needed you tonight

So look at me, when I'm not aware
Then you'll see, I cannot do without you
I'll be right there, if you ask me to
If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you
And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand
Like I know you'd do for me too.
I'll be right there, if you ask me to
If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you
And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand
Like I know you'd do for me too. 

Love

*sniff* I can't really write much on here anymore because I don't have a lot to say.

Loving James and missing him is about all I feel concerning my twin soul union.

I miss my loving caring friend so much that it is killing me inside.  I remember James as a good kind compassionate and caring man.  A loving man.  A friend who cared about me and my welfare.  A compassionate human being who told me he'd never want to hurt me, it would kill him to hurt me.  He is everything I've ever asked for, all my dreams come true wrapped up in one single cute little man.  A man I feel deeply in love with too long ago.  And I am really REALLY hurting.  This is why if anyone asks to talk one on one with me right now about twin souls I just can't do it- I'm sorry.  I am working too hard on not losing my own shit.  I can't really discuss twin souls right now with anyone else.

To know I had heaven in the palm of my hands... makes me want to cry.  I am so appreciative of his huge love and thankful for him and that I met him but can't I just have him back now, in my life, TRUTH, my caring friend?  He was more than just a "friend" but we were more friends than lovers.  I miss my friend more than I miss my lover.  I miss the guy who held my hand all the time and smiled at me and made me laugh and who was so totally funny and friendly and silly and... just perfect.

I am so sad.

I love him so much.

My heart is aching.

I could sit here and tell you all the reasons why I don't like being a twin soul but I won't.  Instead I will tell you that the adorable human being with the wonderful heart and shining soul I met- I love him with everything I have inside of me and I WISH so so so much that I could talk with him again.  Like we used to.  Our long friendly loving conversations.  His SO sweet voice, oh he has such a darling voice and I have not heard it in such a long time, and I HURT so bad because I miss James.

I miss my friend!  How can a human being be expected to get through this experience?  My son is who pulls me through; my dear sweet child is my reason for living.  I had the answer to my prayers when James was with me.  It was heaven being with him, total bliss.  I can't begin to explain to you what it feels like... being like this.  Missing his voice.  Aching to see his smile again.  Dying to just have a normal regular human to human conversation where he can be his truthful honest normal sweet friendly self again!!!  I just want to talk to my friend, and I know he is out there!  I know James is still the considerate caring person he was when we met.  I know the man who sat and kissed me for hours still exists.  He is truth.  THAT MAN is truth, the loving caring guy.  It is so frustrating to have to experience what I created, and work so hard to try and change it back... I want what I had back.

The James I know is my truthful honest caring friend, I'll know his truth when I finally feel it.  I pray to one day finally get a response from him that "feels" like James.  Really like James.  Reflecting love and truth back to me.  I am SO working to get there.  You have no idea how difficult it is to focus only on love and truth when I have so much dislike for my path.  I try not to focus on that and instead concentrate on the love I feel for James but it's difficult.  Thankfully I do love my twin soul.  I think he is wonderful, and I love him.  I just miss him and could use a dose of HOPE.  Something.  Something to help me hold on and have hope and not feel so so sad.  It is easy to feel hopeless after so long.  I just need a wee bit of light, something.  Something to hold on to, to give me hope.  I miss him so much and I always hope and wish to see him again.  Prayer lately... I have issues with.  But my heart calls out to James.  I miss my sweet dear friend.  I know him, and I feel that he loves me and cares for me but I wish we could talk again.  I want to see him.  I miss him so very much.  I wish I could feel his soft tender touch again, the way he'd cup my face before he's kiss me, smiling as he did so.  How he made me laugh.  We walked together hand in hand, smiling like kids.  He told me he wanted me to be his wife and sleep next to him every night.  He told me he wanted to be my son's step-dad.  He told me he loves me so much and wants me to be his forever, even in heaven.  He said he wants to grow old and gray with me, and will hold my hand always.  He showed me that he appreciates my natural beauty and he said I am genuine and it is what he loves most about me, that I am genuine.  There is nothing fake about me.  I am not like most women.  I am unique and while some people don't understand that, James did.  He liked me being unique and different and passionate about who I am.  He appreciated me for who I am, and he totally accepted me and understood me.  In a world full of people who "worship" all the wrong things- he loves me for being me.  For being down to earth and low-maintenance, real and genuine.  He loves my light, loves me for all the right reasons.

I so badly want him back in my life.  In contact again.  I want to open my email and find a message from James that sounds like HIM again, gentle and caring and kind, funny even.  I'd be so thankful.  I miss my friend so much.  It really hurts and I cannot stop it from hurting.  I can love him and protect him and affirm him but I cannot stop this constant heartache.  I just want him back as my friend so much.

Truth.  I want to hear truth from James again, just truth.  Truth truth truth.  I need truth.  James is an amazing person.  I want to be in contact with him again.  In person, human to human, not just souls or energy.  I appreciate our soul connection but I need to hear from my human friend again.

I love him and miss him so so so much.  I wish we could go feed the alligators with PJ again.  I wish he could teach me how to golf.  I wish we could dance together.  I wish we could hold hands and walk under the moon.  I want to make him Shepherd's Pie.  I'd love to talk science again with him- I just love his science.  I miss my Atheist.  I miss our intense fun conversations and debates about religion and God and science, but how different I feel now than then!  Wow.  But I remember his Atheism and flair and how passionate he was about his feelings, how he feels about education and animals and humanity in general.  Such a progressive free-thinker and GOD I miss him- people like him are totally unique.  He is a gem.  I miss him so much.  Just to hear his sweet kind voice again, speaking truth, would be a miracle to me.  My heart... it aches more than I can find the proper words to express.  I feel like my heart is bleeding. 

You can't understand if you have not experienced it, and if you have- my heart goes out to you.  I pray for all of us that our situations shift around and these people we love and care for so much can come back into our lives again.

Jennifer 

Energy Update

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/twin-flame-energy-updates/update-mars-retrograde/

I am not personally updating because of how I feel inside concerning the twin soul dynamic.  I adore James so much.  I love him and I believe he is a dear sweet kind loving man.  He told me we'd always be "friends forever" and I believe he means it- I believe we are still loving caring friends, and I love him dearly, absolutely, like I love my own child.  I believe he feels a lot of compassion for me.  But that is all I can say.   Better for me to just say I love my twin soul with all of my heart and I believe in his love for me, and I trust in his loving compassionate gentle kind heart and personality.  I am trying to stay focused on THAT, on loving him and loving what we shared together. 

This is an interesting energy update from Cassady.  Feels very spot on to me.  Thought you might like to read it if you don't get Cassady's updates.

Take care,

Jennifer

TGIF!!!

Oh man I am so glad it is Friday.  Work has been busy, good busy but still busy.  I am very tired come night time.  Last night I went to bed at 8PM and slept through until like 5AM which is a lot of sleep for me!  I was exhausted last night.  Not sure what's going on.  If it's because work has been very busy or if it's also because I am trying so hard to keep my energy in check.

On Christmas Day James responded to an email I'd sent him.  He said, "Merry X-Mas Beautiful," and I keep holding on to that because it felt like the "him" I know, calling me beautiful because I know he feels I am beautiful inside and out.  He called me beautiful like it is my name.  I remember when he'd say, "Hello Love," and he did this a while back.  I KNOW those sweet kind words are his truth. 

That is him.  Calling me beautiful like it is my name.  I cannot wait until I hear that again from my Love, calling me beautiful or honey or sweetheart.  I miss him so very much.  He's such a dear.

My heart hurts.  My heart hurts so much.  I just really really love him and miss him.  I am glad the weekend is here and I can spend it with my child.  I am tired.  I want to be good to myself and have fun and relax.  And as always I pray and wish and hope for a shift where I can hear from my Love again where he says, "Hello Beautiful."  I wish to hear his truth again, his love.  I miss that man so very much.

Jennifer

*Sigh*

*How I am feeling today*

In My Heart

You are
always in my heart,
that sacred sanctuary
where love is pure
and cannot be disrupted.

I miss you, my Love.

Thank you to Rachel:  https://plus.google.com/u/0/109161555525949764234/posts where I found this.

 

Releasing Energy

 I just love this- I think it's so cute, hilarious and truthful!  We are all the same on the inside!

I received a message from spirit recently, through a friend who channels.  The message makes a lot of sense to me so I don't doubt it at all, and I am thankful for it.

Spirit told me "they" are happy I see this for what it is, a reflection and not a "lack of love."  I was told that I have "unnatural energy" that still needs to be released and all of this is a tactic to help me understand, see it and release it.

I am thankful for the update from spirit.  "Unnatural energy."  I can tell you that I still get very angry at the divine.  I am not going to explain why but sometimes I feel upset and I get mad at my very soul for choosing this lifetime's experiences for me.  I am not saying it is right that I feel this way but that sometimes I do get VERY angry.  I wonder if "unnatural energy" refers to this deep anger I can feel.  Because here is the thing- as a manifestor, if I send out huge super blasts of anger then I am bound to have that anger come back at me, reflected back to me, in some manner.  So I need to release that anger.  It's not a matter of right or wrong.  It's a matter of God does not want me to live my life throwing out huge amounts of anger since that anger will come back to me.  I feel God wants me to live a life as a conscious manifestor and to do so I have to control my emotions.  I must learn to release and "let go of" those lower-based emotions.

I still believe too that I need to be careful what I say and write about James and this experience.  I don't have the leeway to indulge in venting, complaining, etc. or even writing down doubt or talking out stuff that does not need to be discussed.  All because my words spoken and written have the power to create experiences in my life.  And I do believe what I think, say, write, believe, etc. affects how James is able to connect with me.  So I must be very aware.  Hence spirit telling me I need to release "unnatural energy."

On my blog someone left a comment yesterday about twin souls not reuniting.  All I can say is it takes a lot of inner work and being conscious of energy in order to reunite.  This experience can be maddening, and it can create a lot of resentment and anger.  I know because I have experienced it.  I want to talk to James.  I get angry that there is this block, and I know it is not his intention so I get mad at spirit instead of James.  And I should not do that either because the silence was created by ME and my doubts and fears.  So I can't blame anyone else even when I want to blame someone else.  I know it can be unnerving but I wonder if so many twin souls are separated because we are creating the separation ourselves due to all of this "unnatural energy" we still harbor inside ourselves.  Being strong manifestors means having impeccable awareness concerning every single thing we are speaking, writing, doing and intending.  Impeccable intention, always.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it necessary to make it to reunion?  Yes.  It is necessary because our twins are our #1 mirror so it is their job to show us what we are manifesting.  They "pretend" to become what we are manifesting.  They "act" like they are angry or dismissive or cold or cruel or cutting or judging us or rejecting us or being critical or even making fun of us because they are "acting" as our mirrors.  Whatever they are showing us, the basis of it comes from inside us first.  We are the cause and they are the affect.  We are having those fearful thoughts or we speak our doubts about our twin to someone or complain on a forum about them or their behavior and then later they will show us that behavior more and more, in the hopes that one day we will finally put 2 + 2 together and come up with 4, realizing WE are actually manifesting this union.  They will do this and do this until we finally see it, realize it, believe it and shift it. 

I don't know about the paths of the other twins out there.  I don't know if what I am explaining here pertains to all twin souls.  All I know is James' behavior towards me changes based on my own thoughts and energy.  Especially when I write my thoughts down or speak them out loud.  I might have a fearful thought but if I take that doubt or fear and speak it or write it then it's like I energize it, like magic almost, and sometimes it is then shown to me.  And I have to learn to accept this as my reality.  I have to learn to control my emotions and what I am speaking and writing; I'd like to finally create life circumstances that I DO love.  I want to allow truth again.  See with us the love is already there.  We started with truth which is love.  Then it got skewed once I began doubting.  I myself veiled the truth... and I want our truth back, our love.

I've been asking myself what does releasing energy mean?  I was told that I need to release this unnatural energy, so what does that mean?   Only thing I can think is it is now time for me to have mastery over my emotions.  When I feel anger creep up I need to recognize it and stop it in its tracks, shift my thoughts to something higher.  Not let my fears and doubts get so strong that they begin to create.  A thought is one thing.  We sometimes cannot help our thoughts.  But we can sense the thought and then dismiss it, release it, before it turns into an emotion.  Before it turns into an energy that creates.  Maybe I will have a moment of doubt but I need to ensure I don't go talking to someone about it or repeating something "bad" that has happened.  I have to LET IT GO.  Release it, move past it.  Ascend beyond it.  Let it be a passing thought, nothing more.  And consciously shift the thought higher, to a good loving memory.  Or let it go and get out for a walk or read a chapter of a good book.  SOMETHING to disengage from the fearful thinking so that fearful thinking does not turn into some fear-based emotion which can and will manifest, often through my twin soul.

I feel like I am being tempered still, like the universe is forcing me to face any shadowy energy inside me so I can transmute it into love.  And ugh, it's been quite a journey!  I don't think some of us are allowed to fall back on that saying, "I'm only human" any longer.  Spirit is expecting us to be more than human, way less ego and far more love.  I've battled with this for so long but I feel like I am being asked to be WAY more soul and less human, fuck me.  It can be a painful process {I'm crying just writing this.}  I pray that the balance is shifting for me so I am more love and less ego.  I know I can be stubborn.  Spirit said this to me in this last message my friend gave me.  Spirit said I am stubborn but strong and I am highly loved.  I am trying to always remember that God loves me; sometimes I ache so badly that it is easy to feel like higher self and God are ambivalent towards me.  I need to remind myself always that I am loved, and call to mind the instances where good things come to me, where I am shown I am loved.  My good life, my health, my loving friends and family, solid job, steady income, etc. etc.  All blessings that show me I am loved even in those times when I feel like a solitary ship floundering around in a vast tumultuous ocean fighting desperately to stay afloat.

I guess this is why my soul once told me that my life is like that of a butterfly, that I am more soul than human, that I am transforming into a butterfly so I can really soar.  And THEN my twin soul told me the same thing.  He dreamed of me telling him I am not really a "homo sapien" but instead a butterfly, and to not be sad that I am not really "human" because I am meant to be a butterfly.  I've known all along it is because my soul is asking me to cleanse myself of all those dark human emotions like anger and fear.  To believe instead in love.

Duh, right?  It's inescapable, isn't it?  Oh GOD I pray for strength, fortitude and a gentle loving kind nature, always.  On the inside too where people can't see it but where I manifest from, where it is most important.  I'm so tired.  I really want to get to the other side of this now.

I love James.  I really do.  And I miss him so much.  I want to talk to the kind loving caring man I know he is, truth.  I know he is my loving friend who cares for me, and I miss my loving friend with all my heart.  I have faith that in the end once I am able to release the energies that I need to let go of and I shift my inner thoughts and intentions to where they need to be, then James can come back to me.  I do hold on to that hope because I KNOW we love each other.  And it is a beautiful rare genuine love, a love worth working for, clearing for, being tempered for- pretty much doing anything "of the light" for.  I can say this: if there ever was a twin soul who was going to make it to reunion, then that is me.  I have always felt in my heart that I will see him again, in love, and we will end up together in the end, sharing life and love together.

Jennifer

Truth Quest

I know my journey is a quest to know truth and focus on it since I do manifest situations into my life, and James is my mirror.  And manifestation is the same as "The Law of Mirroring" in that manifestation is simply mirroring.  And I know James is my mirror.  I've said that a thousand times on this blog.  He is my mirror.  I am probably his mirror too but all I want to show him is love and my willingness to do whatever I can to hold on to my belief while I walk this path with him.  I take this to mean that we each have different things to show each other, and I am only showing him love.

The truth aches.  The ache is bittersweet.  I know in my heart and memories that James is nothing but a dear sweet kind man who treated me as if he cherishes me.  He does cherish me.  I believe this.  We are like this picture, and I do hug him in my imagination, in my mind.  I remember what bliss it felt like to hug him.  If only I knew back then- I would have hugged him that much tighter.  I remember sitting in my dining room with him, so close and intimate, friendly and laughing, kissing for hours.  That was the entirety of our time together.  Blissful heavenly perfect love.  It was heaven on earth.

And I miss him and the love we shared together.  I ache so deeply right now.  The truth aches.  To remember him so fully and completely and to long for that truth to be back in my life is a pull, a longing, that I can't properly explain.  It's my heart constantly calling out, calling out.

But the one thing I know is my memories are real.  They are truth.  I know this.  I know he loves me strongly and love like ours lasts forever.  I do feel like we are still together, inside of me.  But I ache, and it's deep.  I don't always know how to deal with it.  I am doing the best I can.  I suppose I can only surrender to it and pray to manifest miracles.  I am working very hard to stay aware of all my energetic choices, every single one.  I have to admit it is an exhausting business, trying to stay as conscious I can be- a very conscious aware responsible loving manifestor takes a lot of thought and focus, and of course I am not perfect by any means.  But I feel like when it comes to James my energy and focus is going to have to be damn near perfect since any single thought, action or word can and will affect my connection with him.  By perfect I mean of love, faith, trust, belief, etc.  Any slippage into doubt or questioning him, his personality, his integrity, his honesty or his love for me will affect my connection negatively.  I see this.  It is a fact.  It it out of this world but it is a fact in my union with my twin.

I am working to focus only on truth, and that is his love for me.  But as I said it aches so much!  Because remembering him is sooooo bittersweet.  I want him back with me.  I want his sweet perfect divine friendly kind gentle affectionate love back in my life.  I miss him and our love so much!

My sweet love.  He is still my sweet love.  There comes a time in a twin soul journey where there is quite literally no one left to talk to besides God and your twin.  I talk to both.  At this point God is the only one who can truly understand it, and to play it safe speaking to no one is really the best option since every spoken word can and does hold creation power.  So right now, and this is such a challenge for me, I am striving to speak to no one about this.  At all.  And I am chatty so it is hard.  Yet I think running my mouth has held me back from my twin and I'd like to stop that now.  I pray that what I see, this process with its patterns and ups and downs, is truth and I can shift us back together.  I truly do believe this is on me now.  Totally on me.  Me co-creating with the universe, me fighting for my truth, me standing tall for love, fully believing.  Me learning that I am a strong creator being whether I like it or not, and the sooner I accept it and pay attention, be aware and try to be a strong loving conscious manifestor, the sooner I will create more joy and happiness in my life.

If you were to ask me what I think the main point of all of this has been so far I would probably say it is learning that I truly have manifested this entire situation, all the way through.  I am a manifestor.  I even manifested him coming to me.  I do think we totally love each other and I have to be aware of my energy because I have the power to de-create too which simply means manifesting what I do not want instead of what I want.  Fear creates what we do not want.  Love creates what we dream of.  Love brings our dreams to us.  Hence why unconditional love is so so important in this journey because the more we love ourselves and our twins unconditionally the better things we are manifesting since we are manifesting only out of love. 

James is my dream come true.  I love him so much.  Without him I would never have been able to see all of this so clearly.  I am really working to focus my energy and see if I can co-create some miracles in my life because I know our love is there.  I know he loves me, and of course I adore him too.  I dream of having him back in my life again like I did before, only truth, only love.  My love and my friendly funny BFF.    

Someone Like You

Working on revamping my mood a bit.  It seems when I feel these huge tugs at my heart I then get a little angry because I hurt.  So I am trying not to go there. 

I was wondering- if I could speak to my soul/Higher Self again, what would I want to know?  I'd like to know why me?  Why am I a twin soul?  Why did "I" choose to be a twin soul and have this journey, and I am not even saying this in a "crying" way.  I mean it very seriously.  Why me?  Well if I could guess one answer the only one I can come up with is because my soul knew I'd be strong enough to do it.  My soul knew I'd be strong enough to see the cause and effect and do my best to hold on to the love and truth while learning about my powers of manifestation. 

My soul knew I'd love James SO very much that I would fight my ass off through this and be as strong as possible.  It is honestly the only answer I can come up as to why I specifically am experiencing this particular journey which is kind of unique.  And I do love James.  I am very much in love with him and I remember the sweet love we shared when he was here, and plenty of love we exchanged after "this" happened.  I feel that he loves me still.  I've had to learn a lot through this process, and I am still trying my best.  No matter what I love this man and I know who he really is, and I refuse to let go of that truth.  I know I create all this, and while I might not like that, it is the truth.  James started off as ONLY loving kindness, and I know that is who he is.  I also know in my heart that he loves me too, very much.  And he misses me.  I am strong enough to know this is the truth, and yeah it aches missing him but I have to continue to be strong and just focus on truth which is that sweet gentle love, our sweet gentle love, the love we feel for each other.  The love we both are.

This song is from a CD I bought years back.  I may have posted it here before.  I pulled it out the other day and listened to this song and it made me cry.  This is exactly how I feel about James.  He is perfect to me and for me, and there is no one else on earth who could do everything the way he does it, the way I love.  I miss my sweet little scientist golf-loving intelligent funny witty friendly fun boyfriend.  I miss my friend so very much.  I am so in love with him... love love love.  I remember the first moment I saw him and I felt like this song says- he seemed to come from above.  Perfection.  All smiles and gentle touches and great conversation and little glances and holding hands and walking and swinging together under the light of my birthday blue moon.  I know magic like that is REAL, and our love is REAL.  I know it.  And I love him with all of my heart.  Always.

"My All"

 Mariah Carey "My All"

 

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

In Love

Found a few quotes on the web about love and they really warmed my heart, a good reminder.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation." -Rumi

“If I am to be fallen into love, I will. And if as a result I will appear to be stupid, disillusioned, and of poor judgment, I will. And I would be damned if I cared what other people think. For I would rather be thought of as all of these things, than not love. If in loving, I become the naked woman on the horse, I will ride that horse with my head held high. This is my spirit. I am unbreakable.” -C. Joybell

The last time we kissed James told me we were not saying goodbye but, "Until next time" and I believe him even now.  It was not goodbye for us even though this incredible journey was ahead of us, and I know I had no idea what was coming.  I think he did though, and I think it made him sad.  And I know we will see each other again because he wants to see me again- I just have to ensure I am staying very loving, aware and conscious now, more than ever. 

But it is that second quote that really speaks to me.  Because it is me through and through.  Yes I believe I am a twin soul because I think twin souls love VERY hard, and I do love hard.  I have my entire life.  I ALWAYS wondered why the fuck I love like this!  I love easily and deeply.  I've loved men who were not always physically beautiful, and many of my crushes in high school were the same way.  It was like... something inside of me always recognized details beyond a pretty face or a nice body, and I would love.  Hard.  And oh boy did I get my little heart broken, time and again, but my heart is strong.  Always has been.  My therapist told me once that he thinks I am very "brave."  And I laughed and said, "Me? Brave?"  And he said yes because I never get jaded about love.  He said most women in my shoes would be cold and jaded and totally given up on love but not me.  I just keep plugging along, keeping my heart open.  And yes, that is me.  I believe strongly in LOVE.  The power of love is a beautiful thing.  But as the song goes...

It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That's the power of love


I totally resonate with that second quote.  I have no qualms with telling someone I don't date because I am still in love with James so I am honoring my heart.  That is all anyone needs to know about my love life.

I love hard.  I am adamant about what I love and believe in, and yes I do believe in James and his love for me, and I love him dearly.  I look forward to the day when I can hear from my love again.  I miss him, every day.

In love,

Jennifer

Cuddle

I feel like I am slowly losing my mind.  The deep love, ache and desire I feel for James feels like it is pushing me towards some kind of edge and I am not sure if that is a good thing, bad thing or maybe just neutral.  Maybe a good thing because the farther I go in this I realize how "unreal" some of it has been {as in the stuff that seems scary} and now I am able to be pretty non-reactive because I know his truth, and his truth is that he loves me.  He has still shown me things I am working on, and I making it my mission to get through this to the other side.  Where I know he is waiting for me.

Missing him is the hard part.  OMG I fucking miss him.  It's like even my hair aches.  I love him so so much.  Nothing else matters to me in our experience besides the fact that I love him and miss him tremendously and I feel like we are meant to be together.  And I will hide nothing from him.  Nothing.  I feel like I could tell James anything about me, anything that is true, and he will honestly always love me and accept me.  I believe this is "truth" between twin souls.  Totally only unconditional love but, and here is the huge "but," that unconditional love will only be shown when there is no fear, doubt, skepticism, bad thoughts, etc. that can be manifested and reflected back instead of only pure unconditional love and acceptance.

He truly is the last thought on my mind as I fall asleep at night.  Usually I am thinking love to him, almost like prayer, as I fall asleep.  That's a change from how sometimes in the past I'd be mad and "mother fuck" him in my head as I fell asleep... I have not always been perfect in my thoughts, believe me.  Hence why we are still separated.  But now I am really trying to stay super aware of all of my thoughts and intentions.  I keep reading about how, right now, twin souls and other people too are really being pushed to be conscious aware responsible manifestors, and this is happening by showing us our manifestations very quick, hard and intense.  We are having a thought, or more often we are actually speaking or writing something into existence, and suddenly we see it.  And if it's a GOOD thing then wonderful!  Great!  Sometimes we don't notice the good stuff though.  It's when it's something that hurts- that is when it grabs our attention.  We have a bad moment and spout off to a friend, or pound out a hurtful email and even totally delete it... but the energy was put out there.  And we are being made responsible for that energy so those emotions we throw out to the universe are being shown back to us, usually through how someone {mirrors} treats us.  And this is happening very fast right now.  We are being shown that YES we are manifestors and YES we are creating and YES we are the only ones who can control what we are creating.

James is also my first thought in the morning.  I wake and wish he was with me.  I want his arms around me as I open my eyes to the morning light.  I wish that his sweet face would be the first image in my eyes after a night of sleep.  I want him with me, and I know with me is where he belongs.  We belong together.  I feel this strongly, and my heart knows James feels the same way.

I am trying very hard to be a conscious manifestor.  It means keeping my mouth shut about my twin soul union to anyone in my life.  Really- it's such an odd "unreal" situation that there is no use in talking about it at all.  Why?  Because I never ever want to reaffirm anything that has happened that I don't like or don't want more of.  Because if I speak of it then I energize it and could get more of it, and I don't want that.  So I'm working to stay quiet.  I have a few people close to me who I feel free and safe to say, "I really am missing James a whole lot," and they love me and understand.  I have a couple dear friends who have always known I am "different" and they accept my journey and accept that I love him and support me, thank God for dear friends.  And my son.  He is so sweet.  He told me the other day that James is a really good nice man and he is in my heart.  He said, "Right mom?  James is in your heart?"  And I told him that yes, James is in my heart.

But I wish he was in my arms too, in our life.  Life would finally feel complete if James were with us.  We are meant to be together- and I think this is why anything else does not feel "right."  I go places and feel like something is missing... and it's his presence in my life.

I try to escape into fiction and half the books I pick up have something in them that remind me of James.  One had a Geologist in it named James who was an Atheist {really!?}  And the book I finished last night, the male romantic lead character felt so much like James in how he loved his woman, cared for her, was super attracted and committed to her, and I put the book down when I was done and thought, "Of course."  The woman in the book was talking about how she knew he'd be an excellent husband and father, and they were talking about having a child... and it sounded so much like us but I am used to that now.  We had those talks too.  And I am no longer surprised when I am clearly and strongly reminded of him, our love, our truth, the times we spent together, and how he loves me.  I guess maybe it is so I don't forget.  So reading is not always an escape.

Nothing really is.  He is pretty much always right here in my mind and heart as long as I am awake.  I was thinking this morning that if anyone ever read my journals they would think I have totally done lost my mind.  And maybe they would be right.  I think my mind has quieted quite a bit.  If my mind was in control I'd have given up already.  I would have quit trying.  But my heart is in control so I keep working at it, and for me I have to write, kind of like my own form of meditation, quieting my mind, the racing thoughts, any worries, etc.  My writing is like affirmation.  I just have to be very careful, aware and conscious of what I write.  Here, in my journals, in emails, etc.

I used to be one of those people who would say or think, "I have the right to feel what I want to and say what I want to and think what I want to... and privately write what I want to even if I am pissed off at the world!!!"  I have since learned that YES I have the "right" and ability to do so- but I will face whatever my thoughts/words/emotions create.  So there comes a point where the stubborn willful bullheadedness has to disappear.  I allow myself to miss James and feel some sadness, that "blue" feeling when you ache for your lover like in that Elton John song, since I wish he was here with me and the missing him can really make my heart ache.  But I no longer allow myself to feel any fear, anger, resentment, doubt, skepticism, etc. towards him or about him.  Only love and to me missing him and desiring him back with me is a form of love. Even my tears... they are all from a place of love, desire and adoration, from my heart. 
 
I've been trying to write more to him, like in my journal.  To him.  Not just to God or to myself or my soul or whoever I write to about myself, all this, my feelings and James.  But instead to James, like he's hearing it.

Cassady Cayne is the one twin soul guide who speaks to me the strongest.  Her guidance is always timely and resonates with me in a lot of ways.  She said the person we need to work through this with is our twin.  Not through a forum.  Not through friends or psychics or talking to anyone else but working through it with our twins.  So I am trying to be responsible and aware, and it does not always come easily.  I get triggered and then want to vent to a friend.  But I am trying not to do that anymore.  I am working to stay calm and either talk to "God" in my journal or talk to James in my journal.  And sometimes when I get tired of writing I remind myself that he can hear my thoughts so I "think" to him.  And I am working to keep ALL of my thoughts concerning him loving, kind, gentle, caring, considerate and trusting.  In the past they were not, not at all.  I am not surprised I've experienced what I have in this union.  I really am not.  I don't write here on this blog all of the shit thoughts I've sent to James when I am alone in my mind.  But I am getting much better on not even feeling those things at all.  I don't "hurt."  I am getting closer to feeling only love.

And a lot of missing him.  I long for him, ache for him, crave him.  Strongly.

I wish we could cuddle again.  He's so sweet to cuddle with.  Warm and safe and loving.  I would be happy to cuddle with him for the rest of my life.  He is such sweet love.  *sigh*

I am so in love with him still, and I miss him to the moon and back.  My love.

Hugs,

Jennifer

Just A Share

I like both these images.

He's told me before that one day we'll never have to leave each other. He said he wants to kiss me goodnight in person every night and wake to me every morning. And yes since I met him no other man is worth thinking about. On my him.

I miss James very much. He's always on my mind and in my heart. I have a lot of hope for us. I know with the proper focus on love and truth this could shift quickly, like a miracle. Happened before and can happen again. I have faith in us.

Cheers,

Jennifer