Mackerel

Today I was reminded of my date with James to Chicago.  It was like the best date of my life!  We had a great night.  He showed me a wonderful time.  Very sweet of him.  And he held my hand the entire night.

My friend/roommate has met someone new and he seems super nice.  Almost "too nice" in a twin soul kind of way.  And he is taking her to Chicago this Saturday for a similar type of date.  She has been talking about it, and I am happy for her.  I hope this man is a good man and things work out because she deserves to be very happy.  He sounds like a sweetheart so far.  Actually the way she speaks of him reminds me of James, and I can tell she is not saying a whole lot because she knows it will be bittersweet for me.  I am feeling seriously sad because I miss James and she knows this.  This new guy says hello every morning, good night every night, talks to her, is totally sweet and kind and friendly.  A gentleman.  It reminds me of getting to know James, and she is really excited to go to the city with him this weekend.  And I am glad for her.

But it reminds me, strongly.  And being reminded so deeply hurts.  That sweet ache.  The one that brings tears to my eyes.  Everything about James is perfect for me and it is making me crazy that he is not here and that we do not talk.  It should not be this way.  Things are not RIGHT.  This is abnormal.  Not truth.  I SO badly want to talk to James to where he sounds like himself again.  It is freaking me out. 

We had a lovely time together all the while we knew each other.  But our date to the city was seriously the date I always wanted.  I thought it would be fun to go to the city and walk around, and somehow he just knew this and planned for it and we had a great time.  It may sound like a simple thing but it wasn't for me.  It was so much fun. 

James said he likes sushi but did not know anyone else who did, like none of his friends liked sushi I guess.  But I do.  So he said he was happy that I liked sushi because there was a sushi restaurant in the city he wanted to go to and he could go with me.  So he made us reservations to "Union" and it was super cool.  We went downtown and parked and then walked around, and he held my hand the entire night.  I look back at those times and the stark contrast between then and now makes me want to DIE.  It really hurts terribly, like a nightmare and I HATE it.  It hurts so much to know I had this wonderfully sweet adorable man in my life but I have not talked to him in so long.  It makes me so sad. I can't get past the sadness mixed in with the sweet memories because I don't want them to be only memories.  I want him to be back with me.

We stopped at a few bars along the way and had a beer.  It was a beautiful September night and just walking along seeing the sights is fun by itself, and I just remember that he held my hand the entire night.  It was the sweetest thing ever.  At one point we were leaving a building and going through a revolving door and he came in my "slice" with me and kissed me big which made me laugh.  Ugh, and when we got out onto the sidewalk he took my hand again and smiled at me with that cute adorable smile he has and he laughed and said, "Do I embarrass you?"  I asked him why?  He said because he he silly and affectionate.  I told him no, not at all.  I told him he was everything I had ever asked for.

And I was being serious.  He is everything I ever asked for.  A silly fun adorable man who treated me so beautifully.  With kindness.  He took me to Chicago, paid for everything, we shared a really nice dinner at Union (and I tried kangaroo for the first and only time in my life so far) and he talked to me the whole night, paid attention to me, was sweet and talkative.  And held my hand the whole night.  We were walking along the city streets and he was holding my hand and smiling at me.  He has the sweetest smile ever.  James is too adorable.  Ugh I miss him.

At dinner we picked out different sushi to try.  Sashimi.  We ordered tuna and mackerel and some sushi rolls.  Well I love tuna sashimi.  I could eat it every day.  I had never tried raw mackerel but since I will try just about anything I figured, well what the Hell.  I'm not picky.  Well they brought it to the table and, ugh I'll never forget this, it still had strips of skin on it.  Like fish skin.  Just no, lol.  But since he had taken me out and was paying for dinner (and I was raised to be thankful and respectful) I choked it down.  And I could feel the skin of the raw fish as I was chewing it.  LOL- I swallowed it almost whole and tried not to choke to death.  Everything else was delicious and it was a super fun meal.  I had a great time with him.  Funny how memories work because in my mind's eye I can totally remember sitting there with him.  I sat to his left.  The restaurant was cool-looking with graffiti painted on the walls.  Not somewhere I would normally go because I never dated anyone who liked to go to Chicago so no one really took me there to walk around and have fun together.  James did!  It was a great dinner.  Afterwards I told him about the mackerel and he told me I shouldn't have forced myself to eat it if I did not like it but what was I going to do?  Spit it out after putting it in my mouth?  I had to at least try it to see what it tasted like!  He laughed and thought it was funny. 

Our last night together he brought me a bag of goodies.  This huge gift bag full of such thoughtful fun items.  I am not materialistic at all but it is fun to get little gifts and he was so nice to do that for me.  He thought of everything, even a crystal growing kit for my son.  We grew the crystals and they are on my bookshelf, a reminder of James' sweet thoughtfulness.  But he also put a can of mackerel in there too!  Isn't that funny?  I have that on my shelf too.  Another reminder of the man I met, grew to know, fell hard in love with... and have loved and missed since the day he left.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this overwhelming feeling inside of me.  I wish I could talk to him.  I want to hear from James SO bad.  I want to talk with him like before.  I remember sitting out on my deck under the moon and stars talking with him on the phone.  All smiled.  Loving every minute of it.  I still remember this first time I heard his voice and I think I fell in love with him right then because he has this super sweet sexy voice.  Not long ago I heard someone who sounded like him and I imagined him saying my name.  Or moaning it, which he has before.  I can barely stand it.

Seriously.  I can barely stand it.  My heart feels like it might explode.  Every love song reminds me of James.  I want to hug him so bad.  I want to touch his face and kiss his lips and relish the very sight of him.  It is almost too much emotion for one human "beam" to handle.

The other morning I woke my son up with hugs and kisses which I normally do.  But I asked him where this sweet little boy came from?  Did he drop from a cloud, from heaven?  He said to me as he hugged me, so seriously too, "You are a good mom.  You are such a good mom."  That made me feel good, like I do at least one thing right!  One very important thing!  But then he told me about what he is learning in school, animate objects compared to inanimate objects.  He said that animals, plants... they need air and water to live.  And food.  He said we need food to live, us.  Because we are "human beams."  OMG that kid cracks me up so much.  He is my joy right now.  I just wish James was with us too, to share life with us.  I wish James knew PJ; they would love each other.

I feel that James does miss us and thinks of us.  I honestly feel like he wishes he could be with us.  I know that in my heart.  I wish he was here.  I think about him every day.  He is always in my heart.  He was so so so good to me.  Patient, kind, giving, thoughtful, generous.  It is a really big challenge to know I had the best man ever, my dream come true, my Price Charming... and to miss him this much.  I want my gift back.  I want to shower him with love and tenderness and take good care of him and make him happy.  We made each other so happy, and I KNOW he was super happy with me.  He always told me he was so happy to have me as his girlfriend.  I think he may have asked me where I'd been all these years.  He told me he'd wished for someone like me, a woman who understood him, loved him and accepted him fully, one he clicked with, was attracted to and loved- and he met me and said I was her.  The one he'd wished for.  And whenever I hear that song, the one I'll post below, I think of James because he told me this.  He told me he'd been waiting for a girl like me to come to him, and then he found me and he said I am his 1%.  I still believe that because nothing changed. Nothing.  I feel in my heart this is what he feels for me, that I am this woman and he would do anything to be with me, that he wants to be with me and my son.  I miss him though.  He is all I want.  My heart aches.  I love him so much.  I wish I could hear his sweet voice again, see his lovely beautiful face.  That glowing smile.  *sigh*  He has the prettiest eyes ever.

I want sushi now.

xxoo

Jennifer

I Don't Want to Live Without Your Love

I heard this song the other day.  It made me cry my eyes out.  This is exactly how I feel. 

I don't like how this feels right now.  I don't want live without his love.  I wish he could be here.  I don't want someone new, only James. 

And then I heard this cheesy ass 80s song but it made me cry too!  Totally took me straight back to high school but as silly as it sounds I felt like a kid again with James.  He made me feel so young and happy, like the high school boyfriend I never had.  So this song makes me sad.  When we were sitting talking and kissing he would look at me and his eyes are so blue and beautiful, and he'd smile and it was mesmerizing.  I fell so hard in love with him, and I am still so in love with him and I miss him so much.

I wish he was back with me.

Feelings

People contact me and ask me questions or for advice about their soul connection.  And I can't really advise them because only they know what kind of situation they are in.  I can only share what I have been experiencing and if it applies then maybe other people can take something from it.

I fully believe I'm in some kind of unique connection with James, energetic connection or "soul" connection or however it can be described.  He is more of a science-minded person so maybe it is more a "quantum love entanglement" thing we have going on!  Whatever it is, in the past he has definitely shown my my thoughts, the things I focus on, the fears I have, etc. But there is a lot of love.

I've said this so many times but when I knew James it was a very happy time for me. I was so excited. Life was colorful and exciting and I felt so so HAPPY all the time! Knowing him brought me tons of joy. Best time of my life. When you meet your dream come true it is a wonderful experience.

It's been a while now. Time can fade memories but I still remember the time I spent with him. I remember how it felt with him. Blissful. Ecstatic. Like every day was a surprise or a party!! I looked forward to his sweet messages and long conversations. I loved that he made time for me and he came to see me. It was super sweet that he "old school" dated me.

People online say a lot of things once the "separation" happens. I have too. But I remember the endearing sweet kind man I met, dated and fell in love with.  I remember what it was like knowing him and I know that did not change.  He is still that same man.  And this is not a situation I expected.

I just really wish I could know James like that again.  I miss him.  I miss my sweet boyfriend.  He means so much to me.  It sucks not knowing him.  I wish he could be in my life.  I miss his kisses and how he always held my hand.  His patience and understanding.  Coming to visit me and hold me and kiss me but not asking for more. 

And he was protective of me.  This is why I can't let go.  I remember how he would always check with me to see if I was okay.  Like if he said something flirty or sexy then later he would come back and check with me to see if I was doing alright.  He wanted to make sure I felt safe and loved, not offended at all.  And I never did!  He was super sweet.  Perfect.

I miss him.  I need him back in my life.  I can't get over the way he would gently touch my face and smile before kissing me.  He waited for me.  You have no idea how much that means to me.  He waited for me to feel totally comfortable before making love.  And then later, after this all happened, he told me he was glad we waited to make love.  He said it made it more special and showed him how much I love him.  And I do, and I wanted it to be right and good.

Real.  That is what gets to me.  It was very real and genuine.  Good.  What making love between two people should be.  Very loving and committed.  This is why when he was here last and made love to me and then was gone again it hurt so bad because I know our lovemaking is real and an expression of the genuine love between us, and he should be here in my life right now loving me.  He should be.  It is very VERY hard to take, him not being here.

I tell that to God.  Not "I can't take this anymore" because I can.  I do.  I would do anything for James.  I feel sad right now without him, yes.  I don't like being without him.  But I deal with it because I hold out hope that one day he can be with me, that this is all real and one day he will be back.  That is what I hope for.  So I work towards having him here.  I remember how good it felt, and I know we still love each other. 

I wish I could hear from him.  It was much happier when I did.  I miss his sweet voice and dear face.  I want to hug and kiss him again.  When I was with him last it was amazing to actually see his smile and hug him and touch him.  I had missed him so so much.  To have him in my arms again was a dream come true!  I would rather have that, the feeling of having him back with me, over this.  I don't like my "right now" without him.  I do not "enjoy the moment."  I want something different!  I want what I had when he was here.  I want that amazing feeling of having him here-  THAT is what I want in my life, that sweet love.  Him holding my hand and smiling at me while we walk and talk together.  Going out on fun dates.  Having dinner together.  Kissing.  Holding each other.  Talking into the morning hours.

His smile.  James has the friendliest sweetest smile.

Breaks my heart being away from him.  I was so much happier and more content when I knew him.  When he'd come over and hug me and smile and kiss me and sit with me, talking and laughing and making out for hours.  THAT was my true happiness, right there.  THAT is what "felt good" to me.  I want that back. I want James with me.

Ugh.  This is how I feel pretty much every moment of every day.

Jennifer

*Sigh*

I am hoping to get a different vehicle.  I want something bigger than my Dart.  It is a cute fast but little car, and my son is getting much bigger.  So anyway.  I am keeping my fingers crossed!

It is nice weather here in my area of the world.  Very spring-like.  It has been very windy, and I don't sleep well when it is windy.  I did not sleep well last night.

I feel sad today.  I heard a song and it threw me.  I don't know what to think.  Last night I was not feeling in a great mood.  I don't know how to take it when I get contacted by people from my past, men from my past.  Even those who meant a lot to me.  I wish and pray to speak with James.  I want to talk with my friend and love so much.  I miss him.  I miss him so much that it wears me out.  But instead of hearing from him or being able to talk to him I get texts from other people, and man- that tests my patience big time.  Because nothing in my life happens on accident.  It just doesn't.  It all feels contrived, orchestrated or scripted in some way.  And how I feel is- just because I have a passing thought about a person or I am reminded of someone I don't expect to hear from that person.  It makes me upset.  I did not "ask" for it.  I was reminded of someone and then that person texts me a song.  And yes it was a sweet song, and he is a nice good person.

But he is not James.  And I don't understand why it happens, and it upsets me.  It upsets me because I pray to God.  I BEG God.  I ask to please please please be able to speak with James again.  I miss the man I met.  I remember him.  I do.  Compassionate, caring and understanding.  I miss him.  It crushes my heart.  I cry.  I ache.  But then I hear from someone else.

Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?  It is something that has happened time and again in this and it always upsets me because it feels like I am being teased!  Like, "Oh we know what you really want but here- how does this feel instead?" when I was not even wanting to hear from this person.  I don't know.  Maybe it is childish of me.  But it does not make me happy, sweet song or not.  I want to hear from James.

Being honest.  For a moment it also makes me want to talk to someone else for a while.  Someone who can respond and actually speak with me, normally.  Like James once did.  Like anyone else in my life can.  Friendly.  Real.  Normal.  It is tempting to take a break, have a breather, and speak to someone else, someone I know has cared about me and still thinks of me.  But that would be useless and weak because really the only person I want to talk with is James.  *shrug*  It would be a waste of my energy and it would only hurt me because this person is not James; he is not who I actually want to talk to.  Also I feel like James would contact me if he could, and damn I really wish I could figure out the magic formula to allow him to talk to me and be in my life again- and I seriously doubt talking with another man is going to open any doors for us so it's NOT HAPPENING.  I wish this other person well, and that's that.

Next time it happens because I would not doubt that it will I will probably just tell God "thanks for the song" and not reply.  Maybe even writing about it here with make it or something similar happen- and that is fine because I am the one who has the choice to not respond to it.  That is what I am shooting for next time.  No response.  Internally or externally. 

It hurts to want something this much.  It hurts to miss someone so much.  I love James with all I have in me.  Yeah maybe there is more "work" for me to do but... for the love of all things holy the LAST thing I want is other men sending me love songs.  I don't care the reason.  I just don't want it.

I want James.  I miss him.  I miss his sweet smile and his kind voice and his warm hugs.  I am so sad.  I am just so sad.  I know he cares for me.  He loves me.  He told me so, and he told me to accept it.  I do.  I do accept his love, and I love him.  I hope he realizes how much I adore him.  How hard I am trying.  How I've fought through all this and held on... and how I am still holding on.  I am holding on but I miss him.  I want to see his sweet face.  I want to kiss him and hug him like I once did.  All I want is him.

Yes life is good.  I am thankful for all the wonderful people, experiences and things I am blessed with in this life.  God knows this.  God knows my heart and knows I have good intentions.  I still ache though, and nothing takes it away except the moments when I've been reconnected with James, the love of my life.  Then I feel happy, hopeful and right.  Otherwise I honestly feel like I am always trying so hard to feel happy.  And I just want to BE happy.

But it is so hard to be happy, all the time happy and content, when the one person I love most besides my own child is not in my life.  I just wish he was here, together with me, with us.

xoxo

Jennifer

Songs

The Book of Love

The songs still speak to me.  This morning I was driving to work and I again heard the song "Roses."  In the song she sings about someone she loves who is gone, and she is pining for him singing for him to please come home.  She says she is so damn tired of goodbye.  Please come home soon.  And that is how I feel.

I wish he could come home soon.

I scream in my car.  I probably look psycho if anyone happens to see me but I don't care.  I cry.  I beg God.  I scream.  This hurts so fucking bad.  I want James back with me.  I want the life we discussed together.  He told me he wants to marry me.  He said he wants to be my son's step-dad.  He said he would teach PJ science and help him at sports.  I can't pass people golfing without internally losing my mind because it reminds me of James and I think about how I'd like for him to teach me and PJ how to golf.  He said he would teach me how to golf.  He loves golf.  It's cute to me how much he loves golf.  I found it endearing.  

He's adorable.  It is breaking my heart.  And I don't know what to do about it, and please just let me be in my emotions.  If you want to write to me and tell me you feel the same then by all means do but please don't send me any spirituality links about non-possession and stuff like that because WTF?!  James and I talked about marriage.  A lot.  He used to call me, even after the lengths of quiet began, and he'd say with this smile in his voice, "Let's talk about when we are married."  He wanted to talk about when we were together, a family.  I wish I could go back to those times.  I wish I had all that back.  I feel like we love each other so much and should be together yet he is not here and I ache.  I ache so deeply, and it's not normal.  I did not feel this with anyone else I've known.  Only James.  And I miss him to the point of... deep sorrow.  Bittersweet sorrow.

When you love someone, are in love with someone, in such a way that you love him and want to kiss on him and be naked and stuff... well you do kinda want that person in your life, daily.  When I saw James last year he clearly showed me he loves me and desires me.  We hugged and kissed and touched and made love.  It was very HUMAN, not just fucking spirituality.  I am a human being.  I will always find happiness outside of myself.  Let me set this up for you... when I have love in my life I am content.  I do not mean I must have that person in my presence at all times, no.  Hells no.  Go on and take a guy's trip.  Travel for work.  Go bowling, whatever.  I am fine to be alone.  I have done alone for a long long long time now.  I LIKE myself and my own company.  But I don't like being in love with someone, yearning for him and aching and crying and wondering when I might be able to even hear his sweet voice again, and not having that person in my life at all.  That is different, and no one can compare the two.  Wanting to share life with someone is NOT the same as wanting to own him or possess him.  Marriage and being monogamous and in love with one person, sharing a life and being in a relationship, is NOT BAD.  Wanting this man I love with all of my heart, a man who I've had no ending with, to be back in my life- is good and right and fine!!!

You know, it's been a while now but me and James "came close again" hard months after this silence and separation first happened.  And out of nowhere he referred to himself as my "boyfriend" again.  I mustered up the courage to mention it to him on the phone.  I said, "You called yourself my boyfriend."  And very evenly and steadily and slowly he said, "Yes.  I think of you my girlfriend."  No questions asked.  No discussion.  I had no desire to question him or anything.  I knew better (due to spirit and all) and I was ONLY happy to be his girlfriend again, his love.  I was ecstatic.  I wish I had that back, and I still feel like he is mine, in my heart, and I am his.  I know now that he loved me the entire time but I was so glad to have him back, my sweet boyfriend.  And then I know what I did, energetically, that separated us again.  And he faded off.

No discussion.  Nothing.  Nothing to say otherwise, and here I am.

How do you think that feels?  It is really difficult when all I want with every fiber of my being is to have James back with me, in my life, in a relationship, in my presence!!!  I am in love with him!  We never ended!  He told me he loves me and wants me in his life!  He told me, "Accept that."  And here I am, in this strange experience labeled as "twin souls" trying to navigate my way back to the one thing I want most in the whole entire fucking universe!  I want my James back!  I want the love of my life back with me!

THIS FEELS LIKE I AM DYING INSIDE.

So respect my heart.  Respect my LOVE.  I love him so much.  I always will.  He will always be here front and center of my heart.  I fall asleep thinking of him.  I wake with him on my mind and lyrics pounding out in my head over and over and over.  I am still reminded to be fearless.  To not be driven by fear, and I am trying.

And I feel like I am still tested.  I won't explain how because I don't want more of it popping up into my life.  Only those who are truly walking this path can understand.  If you are living an experience right now where you literally SEE how you are creating stuff in your life then you understand.  When you literally are aware that stuff you are mentioning or focusing on are either showing up in your life, or being shown to you in dreams, then you have an idea of my life.  And then you start wondering stuff.  Like... what CAN I think?  What am I think that is going to show up in my life?  How do I live?

How do I live now?

I have to be super careful, it seems.  First of all- the only man I want to hear from is James.  I hope the universe is hearing me.  Only James.  ONLY.  I miss him so much, and I'd love to hear from him.  I only want to hear from him.  

Weird to live a life where if something happens you mention it- it will then happen again. Or a life where I met the answer to my prayers and he turns out to be my mirror or twin soul or whatever this is.  And all I really want is him.  My son means the world to me too, but James and my son are the two things I want most in my life.  Having a real family, and immediate family, with the two of them and the dream of having another child with James- that is my dream.  Some people may dream of being athletes or musicians or novelists but MY dreams is totally love and life and family with James.  That is what I want more than life itself.

I feel like I had the best gift of my life, everything I ever asked for, every dream come to me when I met James- and then I lost my gift.  And I feel... totally devastated without my gift.  Like I cannot rest as long as I don't have my dream.  Who could?  Who is settled or happy when what they want most in the world is not with them?  Not many people.  

It's been a long long time since I read it but one of my favorite books as a child was "A Wrinkle In Time" about some kids who travel through space and time to rescue their father (a scientist) who is trapped on another planet.  Funny how those kids didn't just sit back at home "accepting" the life they had even though their dad was gone.  They were like "FTS" and off they went to get their dad back. When you don't have the one thing you want most in the world (let me rephrase that to "the thing or who you LOVE most in the world or galaxy or entire universe") you aren't content no matter how much you are thankful for what you DO have.  I am thankful for my friends and family, for my home, for my job, for the vacations and fun stuff we do- but none of it replaces James to me.  Nothing.  I feel like a huge piece of my life is missing.  And my heart.  And it sucks.  It sucks the energy and life and joy right out of me.

It hurts, terribly.  I've missed that man since the day he left.  And then I got to see him for a few hours last year and it ripped my heart back open all over again, and I miss him even more now.  I need him in my life.  I am so unsettled.  I feel sad.  I want James with me, with us.  I feel in my heart that he misses us, misses me, misses my son, wants to be with us still.  He met me and fell in love with me and he chose me and I just know he still loves me and wants a life with me and my son.  I wish James could be with us.

Fears.  I woke the other day and I had the words to a song in my head but I fell back to sleep without writing them down and I could not remember.  But then the next morning I woke and they were screaming in my head.  "Drive" by Incubus.  And I don't even like Incubus much.  I don't really love the song but the words are poignant, about fear.  The song is about not letting fear take the wheel, to drive through life with no fear, freely.  It makes mention on how most people are on auto-pilot being driven by fear.  So I guess I am still being warned away from fear.  I think I understand, to focus on love and no fears or doubts.

And I understand that.  I'm trying, hard.  I would do anything for James or to have James back with me.  I'd rather stay home and do my "energy work" and focus or write of affirm- in the hopes that somehow magically it will allow my Love, my Future, my Destiny, back to me.  Honestly the only time I feel content at all is when I am with my child.  And still I wish James was with us.  But when I am with PJ I feel the best.  Otherwise I am discontent.  I want my family.  I want what we spoke of.  He said he wanted to marry me and sleep next to me every night and have a baby with me and treat me like a goddess while I am pregnant and raise our child with all of our love <--- sweetest words ever, "I want to raise our child with all of our love."

It is a lot of love.  It IS.  

Yes, this is making me pretty nuts.  I live a unique life although on the outside is seems pretty normal.  But I pray all the time, constantly, to have my gift back.  James is irreplaceable.  No one else could ever come close to him in my heart.  He was too perfect, too sweet, thoughtful, gentle, respectful, caring, protective... perfect.  I love his brilliant mind and his friendly sweet silly loving sexy personality.  His smile.  His kisses.  I want HIM.  I've missed him and loved him and wanted him for three years and five months now *sigh* And I still love him now as much, if not more, than I did then.  

I don't see that changing.  I need him back with me.  It feels like he is meant to be with me, together, part of my family.  And I do believe he loves me.  And that is just the way it is.  It is how I feel.  I wish he was here.  I wish that every waking minute of every day.

My love, my love.  I miss you with all of my heart.  My hands need to be held by your hands. 

Jennifer

Reminders

I get reminders of James.  Like when I see science stuff.  And this.  I thought this was really funny but it made me think of him.

http://the-daily.buzz/a/nasa-asks-internet-to-name-7-new-planets-and-regrets-it-immediately?utm_content=inf_10_1163_2&tse_id=INF_a0a16e90ff8b11e6a22fa5876bd4fd44

So funny to me!  Because they killed Pluto.  Yet it reminds me of James since we talked science and the sky and the universe a lot.  I cannot look at the night sky and not be reminded of him.  It is so bittersweet because on one hand it is nice to think of him and on the other hand I miss him so much that when I think of him it feels like someone is squeezing my raw bleeding aching heart through a garlic press, one that has recently pressed garlic and then for good measure some slices of lemon.  And salt. 

Kinda sounds like the makings for a really gross salsa.


I really feel like I am losing my mind.  I don't know what to do.  I have absolutely no desire to be spiritual or anything like that.  I just want to be a good human, and I am.  I'm a good person.  This morning my roommate was not feeling well.  Today at school the kids were supposed to dress in costumes of what they want to be when they grow up.  PJ was all decked out with his hard hat, tool belt full of tools, safety goggles and orange work vest.  My friend's daughter wanted to dress as an actor (or "acter" as she spelled it, so cute) so she wore a fancy dress and jewelry.  I have a book I wrote printed out with writing all over it, three-hole punched, and it looks like a script so I threw it in a binder and wrote, "Ella's Script" on it for her and found her a feather boa to wear.  My friend could not get off the couch so I took the kids to school but she told me before we left that I'm great.  And I know I am a good person.  I care about the kids.  I care about people.

I am a good person.  James would be lucky to have me in his life.  He would be blessed to have me but I feel like he knows this.  I know I always say how good he is and how nice he was to me, and he was, but any man would be lucky to have me too.  James included.  And I feel like he was really happy with me when he knew me, and I did not change.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I got scared when he left.  But who wouldn't?  I fell so hard in love with him and when he said he was leaving I totally lost it inside.  But still I did not do anything bad.  I was good to him too, and I know he was happy being with me.  He was happy I was his new sweet loving girlfriend.  He was happy to know me and have me with him.  He was happy to share time with me.  I remember that.

I don't like the quiet.  It frustrates me to no end.  People who love each other communicate and speak with each other.  We should be talking.  It frustrates me that we are not, and I am not sure how to change it.  I believe he loves me.  He told me he does.  And I miss him.

But I feel like all I can do is miss him.  And love him.  But I feel tired.  I ache to know him again!  I just wanna go to the movies with him or have dinner like two normal people.  Stuff like we did before.  Ugh.  It is so frustrating.  I'm impatient.  Patience in not a virtue for me.  At all, and I don't ask for it to be.  Patience, whatever.  I feel bad for thinking bad thoughts or doubting him or anything else I've done.  I feel bad for being angry and hating inside.  For my fear.  For my worries.  For thinking of anyone else when my heart is truly with James.  But I AM human too.  And I am doing the best I can.  And I really miss him.  

I wish I could hear from James again.  I need some hope.  I am feeling very discouraged.

I don't understand how I could say ONE thing- just one little "wrong" thing and then hear from him.  But now I've tried very hard not to focus on any of that and I don't hear anything at all.  How is that fair?  I tell God all the time how much I love James.  I cry, a lot.  I wish for him to be here.  I wish for us to be able to talk again.  I wish and pray to hear from my loving friend.  I don't understand.  I just want to hear from him.  I miss him so very much.

Jennifer