Crying in The Rain

Well it seems I'll need to build an ark soon since it won't stop raining. The weather is a good reflection of how I feel right now.

James was here a year ago tonight. I still don't understand why or how I was able to see him again after two and a half years but it was a welcome moment, one that felt like a miracle to me. But now it is a full year later and it's been a long time since we have talked and I miss him so much.

I miss James so much. I have no idea what to do. Not much I can do really besides not kill myself from the level of sorrow I feel. May sound melodramatic but come walk in my shoes and see how I feel then you will understand. Today I spent most of my day with my son and the other two kids who stay with us. They helped clean the toy room. We listened to Disney music. We played some Uno. We went to Red Mango for frozen yogurt. And we watched "The Fox And The Hound" before bed. The kids help. But now it is bed time. I refuse to allow myself any alcohol when I already feel like emotional Hell. So I just plain hurt.

I miss him. I remember seeing his beautiful face. Those blue eyes! He is so attractive to me. I melt looking at him and he smiled at me and hugged me and he looked so cute and sweet like I remembered.

I want to curl up into a ball and sleep until morning. And not hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore; if the powers that be could please make this not hurt then I would really appreciate it.

We are told to ask for help. I'm asking. Been asking. Yet I'm still here alone and aching. I don't get it. It makes life very hard to want to live. I definitely don't feel well tonight.

I want James in my life. I at least want to reconnect and know him again. This is Hell right now... and what did I do to deserve this? I tell God I know James as is good loving man. He is kind and was good to me. I know he is the kind of person who would want to reach out. And I do want to know him again.

Last year he was here with no discussion. Holding me and kissing me and making love to me. Even cuddling me. I've missed him so much it has nearly killed me.

I swear to God this has nearly killed me. I am literally begging God for some kind of break. Hope. HUGE HOPE. I need some solid sign or reprieve, a message from James. Some kind word from him. A visit. Seeing his face and hearing his voice. Truth. But I need hope please. That is my prayer because I feel pretty hopeless right now. And it hurts. I ache realising he was with me last year and I've missed him for another 365 days. Missing him hurts.

Loving him is bittersweet. He is a good man and easy to love. I miss his sweet kisses and warm embrace. I miss having him sit on my couch kissing me and holding me. Laughing with me. Being my friend and lover both.

This feels like I'm dying inside. I miss James so much. I hope I fall asleep quickly. The only time I'm not hurting is when I'm sleeping.

Jennifer

Hold You

Let Me Hold You

I wish James could be with me and we could hold each other.  I miss him and it hurts.

I love him. I want to hold him and hug him and be with him. I want to hear from him again.  I miss his face and his hugs.

I'm just sad.  I wish we could hug each other, forever.

Focus

So I realize my energy has not been very uplifting, and man I can tell you since I am the one feeling it- it's not fun.  I am trying really hard to shift it upwards at least a little bit, somehow.

This is why I try to be good to myself.  I do a lot with PJ and try to have fun.  Sometimes it is a challenge to have fun when I feel blue.  I guess it truly is a balance.  At the same time I want to have compassion for myself.  You don't realize that I actually torture myself over feeling sad and missing James.  I get scared that it is the "wrong" energy.  I get to feeling like I am being a baby and I need to be stronger- and MAN I really wish I could just accept the fact that I miss him and it feels pretty sad being without him.  I wish I could be easy on myself, hug myself, and just have compassion for myself.

At the same time what I REALLY want to focus on is having James back in my life.  I want him here with me.  I want the dreams we shared together.  He said he wants to marry me and be PJ's step-daddy.  He told me I am his 1%.  He said he wished his whole life to find "the one" who would love him and accept him just as he is, who understands him and adores him and then he met me and he said he finally found that woman in me.  And he said he wants to sleep next to me and make love every night.  He said he wants to come home to me.

That's what I want.  I still believe we are meant to be together.  I do.  I still want a family with james.  I want a baby with him, and that could happen.  It is what I REALLY want.  I want him HERE with me.  With me and my son.  That is what I have always wants.

And we are told to focus on our dreams, focus on what we want most in life.  Well James is what I want most in life.  He is.  A life spent and shared with him would be my own personal Heaven; he is who and what I want.  That is my focus.  James.  I just feel like I am experiencing something that most people do not experience and I have to accept that it doesn't feel like the "real life" I knew before.  And fuck, he's worth so much to me that I'll try anything even if it feels very much not the normal way people live.  I LOVE him so much, so much.  He means everything to me.  I was never happier than when I knew him and had him in my life.  Life just does not feel the same now that I met him- I need him back with me.  He is my bliss, being with him.  It was the best most happiest loving healthy relationship where we became fast close loving friends, where we looked forward to talking to each other and we anticipated being together so we could kiss and laugh and nuzzle our noses together while embracing and simply enjoying each others company.  He is wonderful.  He is my angel.  And YES I want HIM back with me.  I always have ever since I've met him.  Every single day I pray to see his adorable sweet face again and hear his voice and kiss his lips.  I want to hug him and be hugged by him.  I want to kiss him for hours and talk and get naked and make love.  Really what I want is to kiss and make love, and then kiss and make love FOREVER.  I don't need a bunch of discussion.  I just want him back how we were, together.  I feel we are meant to be together.

That is why it hurts being apart, and no I don't mean to focus on the fact that he is not here.  I'd much rather focus on loving him, and why I am in love with him (a million good reasons) and wanting him here with me so he can be here with me.  I honestly do believe James is meant to be in my life with me and my son as a family.  So I keep on.  I believe.

And I ache for him.  I feel him.  I remember him.  It feels like he is supposed to be here.  It feels wrong that he is not. 

That is the best way for me to explain how this feels.  Like something very important to my life needs to be here.  I love James so very much, and I believe he loves me too.  He is the man I want in my life.  I want him as my family.  I adore him.  I wish he could be back right now.  I so strongly wish he could be back right now.  My sweetheart.  I hope wherever he is he is well and knows how much I truly love him and cherish my memories of him.

Hugs,

Jennifer

My Blog

Well as you can see my blog kinda morphed into a place where I come to share my heart so I don't keep it all in and end up feeling like I want to die.

Missing someone this much is so painful. I feel entirely depressed and I wish it was different. I really do. I have shit I need to do today but I'm sitting here crying. I want to be able to talk to James. I want truth. I miss him but I need truth. I miss him. My heart aches. I know he is a caring kind person! That is what makes me the most crazy. He is a good friendly empathetic man. He cares. He would talk to me. I remember him and I know that's him. So this makes me nuts.

I want James. No one else. But I miss him. This ache is deep and painful and I need it to be relieved. I need to speak to him. If I could talk to James where he sounds like the man I met on my 40th birthday, totally sounds like the same sweet friendly personality, then I would believe whatever he has to say. It would be the real him. Who I know he is. I know that is James. And James would speak to me. The man I met and became friends with before we even had our first date- he would talk with me. I need to speak with him. I want to talk with my caring friend again. I need truth.

I do try to live a good honest life. I try to listen to what I seem to be shown. I honestly could give a fuck what anyone else thinks about me but damn it helps to have someone to talk to. Sometimes it just helps to write here.

People reach out to me and that is fine but it still seems my opinion and thoughts are not readily accepted and that's cool. I can tell you if James were to say hello or ask to meet me all I would do is welcome him with open arms, no questions asked. I would be so thankful to see him or hear from him that all I would do is thank him. Or hug and kiss him and I would hope that finally we could talk freely. Honesty no matter what it is. He was kind when he was here last year. But I wish to know him again like before. James is the kind of man who keeps in touch. He is considerate and responsible. I want to know that man again. I just want transparency and honesty. The man I met.

It is hard living like this. I am depressed and restless. I'm unhappy. I know my blessings but they don't make me happy. I feel like shit actually. It is Hellish. I want tonfucking cry all the time. I miss him and need to talk to him. I crave resolution. I pray for it. Honesty. Truth. I do have my dreams. I wish James could be here with us. I feel that he is meant to be here and wants to be here. But honesty and truth is what I need. We should be talking to each other. He always said "friends forever" and YES we are lovers too but more than that we are friends.

It is so painful to miss my friend this much. I so badly want to see him or talk to him again. Just honesty. I want to sit and feel the man I met. Sweet. Kind. Caring. Wonderful. Friendly. I miss his friendly nature.

I miss my funny caring loving friend so much. I wish I could hear from him soon. I do only want James. He is the man I want to talk to. Only him. And I won't have any resolution to this until I can talk with him and I know it is truth and real. And that will be when he is his normal kind caring friendly self. Until then it feels abnormal and wrong. And I miss him, all the time. Because I love him. I need truth.

Never

I heard this song yesterday and for me it is so true. "I'll Never Love This Way Again." I would never be able to love another man this deeply and fully again. James is the man I literally asked for. I wrote him down. Wonder quality by wonderful quality and then my dream came true and walked very cutely into my life. Everything about him turned me on. His mind. His heart. His sexy appearance. His smile. His touch and oh dear Lord his KISSES.

I dated before I met him. I was also married before. I have talked with and known enough men to realize that James is THE ONE who matches with me. Perfection like that is once-in-a-lifetime. A gift. I know this. That is why I feel like I do. He is irreplaceable. But I wish he was with me. I miss him so much. I miss my gift.

Life is good but strange. I honestly do have fun. Just maybe where most women my age who are "single" are dating- I'm not. I try to be careful and watch that energy. Like recently a past love (the one who sends the songs) sent another song. Just a song. But this time it was while I was having a pretty low moment and it was a song very specific to the time we spent together. The title also could hold a reminder to me about my focus so I said thank you. He sent a few more songs, things he likes that he thought I might like.

Thing is, I get sad. I miss James SO much. For a moment I considered texting or calling my old friend to catch up. But our history is far from "casual friend" so it does not feel right to me. For some reason he sends me songs once in a while and I'm supposed to make note of them but my intuition tells me that's all. So I didn't push it.

I've mentioned I have a female friend in my life who is living this twin flame experience too. She was told before she met me "Jennifer will help you" and I surely hope I have. She and I rarely talk anymore. She feels pity for the way I live my life. Since I choose to focus on what I want and at the same time avoid other men- she thinks it is limiting and she "feels bad for me."

Last night I took PJ to Target to get Pokemon cards (just a ten-pack) because he did not get his name on the board which means he managed to keep his talking under control. Yippee!! I'm trying positive reinforcement and this was a four-day week which helped but he was able to get a taste of the reward that comes along with working on his self-control. I'm observing him to see if we can avoid the need for medication. Neither me or his dad want him medicated and thankfully we both agree on such an important topic. So I'm trying positive reinforcement. Reward! Punishment does not work. I've tried taking things away but he is so easy going that he takes it in stride, bounces back very easily so it doesn't make much of an impact. I'll ground him from his nightime IPad time and he will happily grab some books to read and look at. What am I gonna do? Take even his books away!? No. And getting angry or raising my voice only scares him and makes him cry. He cries real tears and says "I don't like it when you are mad at me" and nope, this mom can't handle it! If he legitimately did something that needed disciplining then yes I will light into him but just for talking in class after I already know he is naturally "hyperactive" just no. Not worth it. So hopefully Pokemon cards will help. Worth the $4.18 to me!

Anyway we also went to Red Mango which is our favorite place, frozen yogurt. We were thinking of going to the arcade after that when my BFF Beverly text me and said she was thinking of taking her girls to the arcade. So of course we met up for the evening and had a great time. I love Bev. She has been my dear dear friend since middle school. About 30 years now! She's as close as a sister to me. We talked, had some snacks and played pinball.

I do not have a pathetic life. I did tell Bev I really wish I could go to the arcade with James. We would have a lot of fun. Those are the things I miss, knowing all the fun we could have together. Couples are there all the time and I wish I could go with James. Bev understands. She also realizes I was happy to be out with her too. I normally socialize with my friends or family or yeah, I'm alone. But I do believe I'm in the connection that we humans have labeled "twin soul." And it seems standard that almost an isolation is necessary for those of us working on learning how to focus properly.

My other friend who is a twin soul wants full happiness right now and I understand that. She craves feeling good. I get it. But for me I do avoid other men. She sees that as me living a pitiful life. I see it as... how often do single men and women "just" be friends? How am I going to "hang out with" or be active friends with men who have said they wish they could be married to me? It won't work.

She can't seem to understand that because I'm so in love with James and I miss him dearly he is the only man I want to hear from. Yes I do ache to get a message from him or a phone call! I'd love to talk with him. I can't tolerate hearing that song "I'm Only One Call Away." I have to turn the station when it comes on the radio because it crushes my heart. I WISH James was a call away. I wish we could talk like normal. I wish. I miss our long talks. I miss hearing his voice. I miss it so much that when that song plays I cry and change it. I want to talk to James. But to JAMES. Talking to him would make me happy. Him. I miss him. I remember how easy it is to talk with him. We connected fast and hard. He is stimulating in every single way.

Irreplaceable to me. Too sweet smart loving and cute. At this point painfully so because with him I had Heaven in my life. Without him it is just so different. Yeah like last night I do go out and have fun. Bev is one of my angels. She understands me and loves me. But she also knows and respects my Love for James. So it was a blessing to be able to see her last night. I have a good fun life. I just miss someone special so much that it colors my good life with that "blue" feeling.

I really wish I could talk with or see James soon. My heart aches. There is a song by Ed Sheeran that someone used to make a Scully and Mulder video (season 11 of The X-Files has been confirmed! Yippee!!) and it is called "Hearts Don't Break Around Here." My heart is not broken. James did not break my heart. But my heart aches for him. It aches. All the time. No matter how happy I feel at a moment- my heart still longs for him. I miss him. I wish he was here to share my life.

He is who I want. I love him so very much.

Jennifer

Kisses

I Want to Kiss You All Over

 I miss James.

That is all I can really say right now.  I don't understand the signs or the dreams.  Really all I want is to hear from him, talk to him, and see him again.  I want to hug my friend.  I want to hug my friend who I have not seen in far too long.  It is very painful to miss someone this much- I ache to talk with James.  ACHE.  I want to talk with him honestly.  I want him here with me.  I still believe he is meant to be here.  I don't think he ever wanted to leave.  And now I miss him so much.

I'm super emotional.  I think of all the stuff we talked about that I want, like sharing life with him, being married, making love every night.  I want to be good to him.  I just want to show him my love for him.  They are good things but I sure do miss him and wish he was here with me.

We are told in this experience to "send them love."  Well God knows I love James.  I love him and want him to be happy and well.  I do!  But I also miss him, and I don't think it is selfish to want a phone call or an honest conversation.  I want truth.

There are many "dreams" I still hold dear to my heart concerning James.  I want all the things we talked about.  I want him as part of my happy family.  I'd love to be his wife.  I wish he could be around PJ, a part of my son's life.  I still have my dreams.  But I NEED truth.  I need it.  I've never wanted truth more than now.  James once told me that honesty means more to him than anything else in a relationship.  I ask myself- am I honest?  I'd like to think I am an honest person so what did he mean?  I try to live an honest life.  A moral life.  I am a good mother, and I love James.  I want HIM.  I say that a lot, and for a reason.  Because I've been shown to focus only on what I want.  And I dearly want him back in my life.  I don't care how- an email.  A text.  A phone call.  A surprise visit!  Something- something.  I want to hear from James.  He is my caring friend.  I love him, and I know he loves me and cares about me!  I know it.  But even so- all I ask for is truth now.  That is what I really need most.  I want a lot of things, and they all revolve around having a life with James.  But I NEED truth.  I wish I could get that now, truth.  I need to be able to talk to James again.  This is so challenging- and I won't even share the little things that happen right now that confuse me.  I swear I am still spoken to in certain ways but I don't always understand it.  All I know is I love and miss James and it aches.  All day every day.  I wish it were different because I don't like how it feels but that's how it is.  I love him and love is wonderful.  But I also miss him, and missing someone who is so wonderful doesn't feel good.  It aches because I want to know him again.

I can't control how I feel.  I CAN control how I react.  I can control the choices I make.  I can even work really damn hard on the thoughts I allow myself to think BUT I have learned that I can't control this ache, the missing, the desire to know him again.  What my guidance long ago called me being "heartsick" after James was gone.  I am still heartsick.  It never went away.  I miss him.  I really wish I could have him back in my life.  My heart aches to know James again.

That's all I have right now.  I hear songs like this one, "I Want to Kiss You All Over" and it crushes my heart.  I ache for him.  I want to make love with him.  I want to kiss him all over, and I want him to kiss me and hold me and taste me again.  I want to be his friend and his lover, his companion.  I want back what I had with him, that blissful love and sweetness.  I feel like I am dying inside.  No one can understand this feeling unless they are going through it, no one.  This ache, longing, pining, need, LOVE.  I miss him.  It hurts so much.  

Honesty.  I wish I could get some honesty now.  Truth.  I wish I could hear from James and get some truth.  I'm pretty exhausted.  I have the weekend off with my son and I want to have fun and be lighthearted.  I am always a sweet mommy; he tells me so all the time.  But I am a sad mommy.  I try my best to put on my happy face and have a great time with him.  In this life I currently have, where I feel so sad because the man I love is not here with me and I miss him so much, my joy comes from being with my son.  He is my blessing.  He keeps me going when I hurt.  He is my buddy.  He told me the other night before bed, "Mommy you are a miracle."  What seven year-old says that?  A miracle.  I don't know about that, ha, but it was sweet.  I just wish James was with us.  We'd make a great family together!  I miss him so much!

Have a good weekend.

Jennifer

Hurting

"Every night, I'll kiss you, you'll say in my ear, oh we're in love aren't we?"  I wish with all of my might that was me and James, laying next to each other so we could say, "We love each other so much."  I remember he once told me, "Oh see?  We got past that because we love each other so much."  I know we love each other, that love never changed.  We do love each other.

I'm really upset.  And I don't want to talk with anyone.  I don't want people correcting me or trying to school me or guide me.  I really don't.  I just want those who know me best to say, "I know you are hurting.  I wish it was different.  I wish he was here with you.  I wish you had peace."  Because that is all I can tolerate hearing.  If you tell me to "Just be happy" I will want to throat punch you.

The hard part is me and James discussed being married and sleeping next to each other every night.  He told me, "Maybe one day we won't have to say goodbye or goodnight.  Maybe we'll kiss each other goodnight every night in person."  And that progressed to him telling me that he wanted to marry me and wanted me to be his forever, and that he wants to make love to me every night.  He told me that he loves my kisses most.  That I am the best kisser ever.  That he wants to kiss me forever, and really who sits around for hours just kissing these days?  Not many people but we did.

And I ache.  I miss James dearly, and I can barely tolerate it.  I get upset that I'm going through this "experience."  I asked for a nice sweet loving real boyfriend.  I did not ask for a twin soul, so I get upset because this feels like it was forced on me, having a mirror.  I did not want one.  I only wanted him to stay with me and be mine forever.  I wanted to marry him and live with him and love him, and still to this day all I want to do is love him.  All I want to do is love James.

The silence kills me because I ache to speak with him and connect with him and hear his sweet voice; I miss James dearly.  I don't feel happy at all.  I want to talk to him.  Friends talk to each other.  People who care about each other check in and say hello and talk.  Not only through "soul."  They use their words!  I MISS him.  I miss his voice.  I miss his face.  I want to see James again.  And I want truth.  I really want truth from him.  It is very hard because when you are in love with a person you ache to know them, be with them, talk with them.  Even good friends miss each other and talk.  So this is not normal- it feels in-human.  It goes against everything that makes a person human to have to be away from, silent from, the person loved.  It is something that I will never accept.  There is nothing beautiful in the silence when I want more than anything to connect with this man again.  I want that more than anything else in the whole world.  To know him again, talk to him freely, honestly!  I want a fucking honest conversation with James. 

I'm very frustrated, and again I've been thinking that if it were not for PJ I would end this life experience because it's too much.  I don't like it.  It hurts far too much.  I hurt so so so much.  I cannot stand it.  So last night I dreamed of this woman Lisa.  In my dream I was with her.  When I woke I realized she is the sister of my old friend Kim who killed herself some years back, and the irony is Kim is the only person James and I both knew.  Not exactly sure what that means, dreaming of her sister, but I am sure it is some comment on how low I feel.  All I want is love in my life.  Peace.  Happiness.  I did not ask for mirror.  I just asked for a sweet kind loving boyfriend. 

And I tell "God" or whatever is out there that the only reason why I even keep trying and staying single and alone, hoping, always hoping, is because I love James.  A lot.  He was super good to me, and I know in my heart that is who he is.  I have no doubts about that.  He was very gentle and kind when we were together, and our love never ended.  "Nothing changed" which is something he'd even told me himself.  He told me, "Nothing changed.  I feel the same exact way."  The same as he did when we dated, and I feel it is still the same now.

So all I can say is- to tell me to "be happy" when I feel like dying is just so insensitive.  I hurt.  It is a legitimate feeling.  There is a reason for it.  I miss the man I love.  I can't grieve properly because it never ended.  Limbo sucks.  And I keep trying... ONLY because I love James.  That is the only reason, because I care for him and I love him.  Only because he is special would I ever stay in this.

But I do hurt.  And I should be able to express that.  Anyone else going through this would be aching too.  I know my blessings, and I do count them.  I appreciate all that I have.  My dear sweet child, my few friends who really care about me.  My solid career, nice home.  I have a lot of abundance when it comes to those things but my life is lacking my partner, my companion- and it feels like death to me.  It hurts really really bad, and no job or car or vacation or money or even friendship replaces having that special someone to share life with, and I dearly want to share life with James like we discussed.  A home together.  A family together.

I miss him so much.  I miss him so much.

Jennifer

One More Time

I heard this a little while ago. I love this song and it reminds me. Do that to me one more time once is never enough with a man like you.

I know he craves me as much as I do him. I wish we could be together.

Aching. I ache for him. My love. I want to kiss and hug and kiss some more.

I miss him so much that it hurts. I need to speak with him. I'm having a really hard time with this today. Because I just want him here. Home. I want him to come back home.

I'm feeling sad. I miss my love. I want all the love we shared together. I want that back in my life with him. I want the happy future we talked about.

I just really love him. My heart is aching.

Not Normal

I do not feel good today.  I need this work day to end so I can get the Hell out of here.

I'm preoccupied.  I miss James so much I can barely stand it.  I only tolerate it because I have to.  What other choice do I have?  But OH MY GOD this is not a good feeling.  I feel antsy and unsettled.  I just want to talk to him.  TALK to him.  I want to talk to my friend.  I know James cares about me.  I know he'd talk with me.  We should be talking, knowing each other.

This all does not feel real, and it hurts.  I miss him.  I want to talk with James like we used to!  We should be.  We should be talking and happy and laughing and getting along fabulously.  When he was here last I trusted him because I know he loves me.  I know he needed to see me too. 

But damn being apart hurts. 

I am frustrated.

I don't like how this feels.  It aches.  It is an uncomfortable ache.  I need him in my life.  I at least need to talk with him honestly.  I want to hear truth from James.  I want the fucking truth!  I want to talk with him where he sounds like the man I met, fell in love with and dated!

That is what feels so wrong and frustrating to me.  This silence is not right.  I know him.  I know he cares about me.  Even when we met last year he looked at me and said, "I do love talking with you."  And I KNOW he does.  I know this.  And I want to talk with him.  I want to talk honestly and openly and I want that now.  Each moment that passes like this feels like I want to fucking SCREAM.  Because it is not right.

It's not normal.

I know truth.  I know we should be talking, friends, caring for each other.  Ugh!  I want to talk to him!  I want to know my friend again.  I want to know the kind funny smart man I met.  The guy who held my hand on our first date and talked about the universe.  Who went to the park with me.  Who did not try to kiss me in my dark house when I had to pee.  Who was so damn cute in his Atheist t-shirt that I felt weak in my knees- those glowing blue eyes and his smile is killer.

I can't even.  Dear Lord this hurts.  It hurts.  I want to talk to him.  I MISS him.  I love him and miss him and need him.  I want to talk with James.  We should talk!  We should be connected and having fun and laughing.  That is US. 

I don't mean to be negative!  I have no patience.  The only "patience" I have comes with holding on to what I want while I freak the fuck out inside because I need him.  I have no other patience.  Patience is a not a virtue I care about.  What I care about is getting through this so I can talk with this man like normal.  Like we used to.  Like the people we ARE.  We are both good normal happy regular healthy stable balanced people!  We should be able to hear from each other.

And yes he is the only man I want in my life.  James.  I hope he realized that I've kept myself for him.  Because he is who I want.  I want to make love to him for like three weeks straight.  I want to fuck his brains out.  I want to kiss his naked body top to bottom one hundred times over.  I want to ravish him and cuddle with him.  I want pillow talk.  I want to laugh and be close and talk in bed like we used to. 

It is really hard to live like this.  This feeling inside of me is not easy to deal with.  He was here last year.  We kissed and made love.  We were close and intimate and I NEED HIM.  I have no qualms in saying that.  I do not love him because I need him.  I need him because I LOVE him.  I love him so much and this is not fun.  I feel like I am going out of my mind.  It is a very frustrating feeling.  I have to pray for tolerance and temperance because I don't have much of either right now.  My fuse is short.  I ache and that pushes my limits.  I want to get the fuck out of work, maybe scream and cry in my car for a bit, and then go get my child to start my weekend.

I pray for some positive change because this feels like I'm gonna lose it.  This ain't normal.  I know that.  But no matter what it is- I want to talk to James again like we used to when it was real and honest and genuine.  Truth.  I need that.  Until I get it I'm going to feel like this and I don't like it.

There are a few changes I am working on making.  One is being careful who I talk to and what I say.  I think I say too much or the wrong things to certain people, and I should be more quiet.  At this point I'll try pretty much anything. 

I LOVE him.  I adore him.  There is a gaping raw hole in my life where he is missing.  It hurts.  I want to feel good and balanced, peaceful and happy but I do not.  At all.  And the kicker is I am actually a happy easy-going laid back person by nature!  I am fairly "child-like" in my existence- I make fart jokes, burp and laugh about it, hate schedules, would rather play and be happy than anything else.  I am so low-maintenance.  I roll with the flow.  I'd rather go fishing than be out at the bar or sitting inside somewhere.  My new boss told me she loves that I accept change well.  I just kind go with it.  Why stress about shit?  I'm a great person to know.  So is James.  We make a good pair so the fact that things are like this... well, I want him WITH me.  In my life. 

I would be so much more MYSELF if he was back in my life.  Right now, going through this, I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like I am fighting to even be close to who I really am.  I'm not this sad tearful person by nature!  NOT!  I am social and fun and talkative.  I don't shut up.  I love meeting new people.  I'm not called a Pollyanna for nothing- I am friendly.  I am GENUINE and real in a society full of fake jaded people.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I have an open heart.  But going through this takes my shine away.  I have to struggle to feel happiness.  I often feel sad, down or I want to cry because I MISS someone special literally every minute I am awake.

I need this to change.  Soon.  I beg God please help me change this.  I want to hear from James so bad.  I need to talk to my caring friend.  I want that.  I hope for it.  I wish to hear from him soon.

Yeah, I sound pretty nuts because that is how I feel.  I miss him.  I miss him so so much.

Jennifer

Just Him

I keep thinking of this song.  It's how I feel.  I don't want somebody new.  I want James with me.

Not much to say.  It is always the same.  I love James.  I miss him.  I dream of having him with me.  I still want the dreams we talked about.  He called me his "future."  He'd say, "I love you my future."  And he told me, "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you as my future."  Well I want him as my future.

I tell the universe- I just want him here.  I want James with me.  If I were to hear from him all I'd want to do is love him.  No questions.  I don't need to rehash the past.  I only want to talk about our love.  Moving forward.  Being together.  I might fuck up a lot but one thing I can say is I would be SO fucking happy to hear from him and know him again that nothing else would matter.  I don't care about anything "less" than love.  The only stuff from the past I want to remember or recall is the love.  All of the loving time.  The phone calls that went late into the night.  The sweet words.  How much he loves me.  Him telling me, "I love you too.  I want you to be mine forever."  Those are the things I remember.  I just wish he could be here with me.

Right now I am trying to keep my focus as steady as I can- keeping it on what I want.  My dreams.  My wishes.  I miss my cute little Atheist Geologist love.  So many things remind me of James.  1980s alternative music.  Golf.  I can't pass a golf course without dreaming of James.  He said he wants to teach me how to golf and I still want to learn but I only want him to teach me.  He said he would be good to my child.  He said he could teach PJ science and help him in sports.

I dream of having a family with James.  I hold these dreams close to my heart.  I want him back with us.  And I still feel in my heart this is what he wants too.  And the only thing I can do is work on my focus and stay true to him, faithful to MYSELF and what I want.

There are other things going on in my life that I am tempted to put my attention towards but they are pretty useless so I need to keep my focus on what I want.  And I want a happy life for myself.  My son is already happy but I know James would be a great addition to PJ's life.  PJ would love having James with us- it would be great.

I have my dreams.  I am focusing on them.  Yes my heart aches.  I miss James a ton.  I wish he was in bed with me every night, making love.  I want to wake to his beautiful face.  I want to feel his arms wrapped around me during the night.  I want to make us all breakfast.  I want to cook us dinner.  I want to take good care of him and love him.  I don't think the women he was with before he met me treated him as good as he deserves, and I want to treat him well and be loving and kind.  Those are my dreams and I still focus on them.

I miss his kisses.  I want to sit and kiss him again.  I really miss how he would gently touch my face (he has great hands!) and smile and then kiss me.  SO sweet.  OMG so sweet.  I love his kisses.  He was here and kissed me last year and I ache for more kisses.  I just want him to hold me and kiss me for hours.  Forever.

So yes my heart aches.  I long for him.  I cry.  Songs take me off guard and then I cry.  Deep thoughts.  Things that remind me of him like seeing an advertisement for "Cosmos."  There are certain things I cannot bring myself to watch, like science shows.  They remind me too much of James.  And my heart can only take so much.

All I want is him.  A life with him.  A family with him.  I want James with us.  My life has not been the same since I met him.  He really brought so much happiness to my life, a joy that I did not know existed until I met him and was able to spend time with him and get to know him.  As I've said before, happiest time of my life.  Absolutely, hands down.  James is so funny, friendly, cute, loving, affectionate, gentle, personable... just wonderful.  He is a wonderful person to know.

He is a wonderful person to know.  I wish I could know him again, like here with me.  In my heart I know him but I miss his sweet presence in my life.

I want him back with me.

That's about all I can say.  I love James, totally and completely.  He is the man I want in my life.

Jennifer

This

This I Promise You

This is a beautiful song.  The words are gorgeous.

I wish James was here with me right now.  I wish he was back in my life.  I've written a lot about how much I ache, and I do.  I miss him a lot.  But I wish he was here.  I wish I could hug him for a very long time.  Like forever.  I wish I could hug him forever.  

I think about him all the time.  I have not written much on the blog because what is left to say?  I still believe everything that I've written about.  I believe this journey is about manifestation.  I believe James is my strongest soul mate and mirror.  My "twin soul" whatever that truly is.  But more than that he is the man I met and fell in love with.  He is my dream come true and I want him in my life more than I've ever wanted anything else.  I want all the things we dreamed about and spoke with each other.  I will always believe he is a good man, a strong and healthy man, healthy in all ways.  When we met he told me he loves being in love, loves being in a committed monogamous relationship, and he was ready to be in a relationship, hoping to be married in the future.  He said he loves marriage.  He loves coming home to spend time and life with the woman he loves, and then when he met me he said he'd finally found the woman he'd been wishing for.  I remember how sweet, kind, generous, thoughtful, gentle, loving and patient he was with me.  I know that's him.

I still believe he's been my mirror.  And if I am his mirror then all I do is show him that I love him.  I don't feel the desire to send him anything but love and adoration.  He is very special to me.  I trust him, and I feel in my heart all he wants is to love me. 

I love James so much. 

James always told me that when we are married we'd make love every night.  He said he wanted to be good to me, that I deserve for someone to treat me well now.  He told me I need to accept love, and to accept that he loves me and wants me in his life.

But I do accept it.  I accept that he loves me.  He loves me and wants to be with me.  That is what I believe, and because he is the only man I want- I hold on to him.  I am holding on to my dreams.  I really only want James.  I wish we were together.  I dream of him being a part of my family, my happy family.  I'd love to hear from him, talk to him and see him again.  I think back to last year when I saw his sweet face again and he held me, kissed me and made love to me.  I wish I could be blessed with his presence but this time forever.

I believe in us, still.  I know our love exists.  I love him and miss him, and I pray, hope, wish and dream of the day when I can see his sweet face again.

I love his beautiful face.

I love his sweet kisses.

I want to be his Strawberry Fields; all I want to do is love him and be good to him. 

For now I feel like all I can do is keep my focus as positive as I can, and stay faithful to the connection and to him.  Keeping my energy on what I want.  Holding on to him because he is truly what I want most.  

I miss my dear loving kind friend.  I love everything about him.  I really hope I can hear from him soon.

Jennifer