Missing You

Really the reason why I feel so frustrated and unsettled and aching is because I love James and miss him and he is not in my life, so I miss him.  Normally that's the reaction to being away from someone you love and not talking with him or seeing him in a long time- you get that achy painful longing in your heart.  That is what I have.

And it hurts.  And the pain is for HIM.  HIM.  Not anyone else.  I miss my perfection.  And here is the crazy part about it.  In order for me to not hurt I have to stop thinking about him or us or wanting him so much.  And then all I want is to feel normal and be normal and have a relationship- what I have never understood about the "teachings" out there is they tell you to "let go" of your twin but then at the same time you are supposed to be alone and not with anyone else.  So... just enjoy life ALONE and be okay with it, okay with not really wanting anyone because in "letting go" of your twin or wanting that person you are essentially telling the universe you are not actively going to want him any longer but then you are also not going to want anyone else.  And I don't know about you but I am damn tired of being alone.  I am not happy with it, no content at all.  I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE NOW.

It is not like I just popped out of a relationship and am entering into a rebound thing.  It is not like I am co-dependent and can't live on my own!  I do it ALL.  The only times I need help is like I bought a new gas grill this weekend and it is 1) too big to fit into my car and 2) too heavy for me to lift or carry into the backyard.  So I paid for it and asked my dad to help me later this week when I am off. There are times here and there when I cannot do something on my own due to physical limitations.  My neighbor was kind enough to come over and start my lawnmower for me this year, and I think he has every year now for a while because it is always too hard for me to start.  I can't get enough power in my pull to get it started after a long winter.  Sometimes there are things I just can't do- even if I wanted to.

I tried opening a jar the other day and it would not open and I got upset.  Mad then cried.  I am tired of not having someone with me who I can say, "Hey love can you open this for me?"  I beat on it and used the can opener to lessen the pressure and finally got it open myself.  Normally I get shit done.  ME.  I get shit done.  I have a home, a car, a solid life, a great career and a good education.  I did all those things.  I earned them, achieved them.  I am the one who decided to end my marriage because it was not going well.  I knew I'd have to take care of the house myself, and primarily take care of our child by myself too.  The thought scared the shit out of me but I also was so unhappy that I could not take it any longer, and he was not happy either.  It was a huge step though.  But I did it.  And I made it work.

Point is- I am not codependent in any way.  I know I rock this shit.  I do the best I can and my best is damn good.  Fuck I am far from perfect but who is perfect?  I don't want to be perfect.  You know what I want to be?

HAPPY.

Yes, happy.  Like blissfully happy and ladies and gents (if any gents are reading this) I am not happy without romantic love in my life, especially after this long in being alone, and double especially when I ache and long and yearn for one specific person day in and day out.  I am not happy.  I hurt.  This shit is painful.  I want James in my life.  I want truth.  I want contact.  I want to talk with him!  What I really want is to hug him and hold him and kiss his face off and then make love for...ever.  But I would settle, right now, for an HONEST genuine conversation.  TRUTH.  Or again, in place of that, no talk and just kisses.  Lots and lots of kisses forever and ever.  I am good with either one.  An honest conversation that alleviates this huge disastrous pain inside me that feels like it is killing me or him in my arms holding me and kissing me and never letting go.  I'd much rather have option #2, lots and lots of kisses forever.  I really don't need much talking but I need SOMETHING.  I am freaking out.  Losing my shit.  I try to keep it all together but I gotta tell you this is taking its toll on me.

And all I want is James.  Yeah I wanna be touched and hugged but I want it to be from HIM.  That is why I have stayed single this whole time!  Because I want James.  Not because I feel like I "have" to or God will be upset with me or whatever.  I love James and I want him and somehow I feel like if you want one thing then you should focus there, not on something else because conflicting focus will block desired results.

Or that is how it seems to me.  Not to mention that the first time we made love (and it was so sweet and good!) I wrapped myself around him and told God from my heart that this was the only man for me, that I wanted to marry this man, and I wanted James to be the last man, the only man from that moment on, that I would make love with.

And as of this moment I've managed to stick to that.  But I want James.  I ache for him, and it does hurt!  Fuck anyone who says that we are not supposed to hurt!  James and I were close!  We were happy and he disappeared, like unreal.  I am still traumatized from losing the best man to ever happen to me. I've never gotten over him. That still hurts.  I miss him every waking moment.  I miss him.  I love him and I miss him and it never lets up!  NEVER!

I have nothing to dull that pain.  There is no one here in my life (and my son just is not the same in any way shape or form) to hold me and kiss me and be by my side.  No one I can ask to open the pickle jar or carry in the gas grill or *gasp* help me put it together.  Or sleep next to me cuddled up and kissing my neck after making sweet hard passionate naughty good love.  Or laugh with me while making dinner. Or have pillow talk. Or me cooking Shepherd's Pie for.  Or kissing on the couch after a long day of work, or looking forward to seeing at the end of the day. I want all that with James.

And I hurt.  Missing someone you love fucking hurts.  I miss him all the time.  I miss him right now.  I love James so very much.  All I want is him here in my arms.  No explanations needed, no drama, no interrogation.  I don't care about much besides our love and him being in my life.  It would be heaven to know him again.

This is so very hard to take right now.  I've already sobbed at work and I can't wait to get out of here.  My son's last day of school is today and I am taking a few days off with him.  Maybe going camping.  Wishing James was going with us as a family instead of me always doing everything on my own while wishing so deeply he was here.  I have never put a tent up by myself but there is a first time for everything... although I dream about him being with us, camping with us, fishing with us.

The only part I truly love about all this is James.  I love that I met him and experienced real pure true love with him. I can accept that it has made me pretty fearless (had to or else I would have died.)  I protect myself.  I feel pretty "cleansed" and pure and I don't take much shit.  I love me way more than I ever did before- and all of those are good positive things but I could have learned that stuff in easier more peaceful joyful ways, not like this.  I respect what I've learned but I do not LIKE it.  Never will.  But I love him.  I have mixed feelings about a God that would "design" us like this- but I adore James, always will.

Not being codependent. What I mean is I want James because I love HIM. If I just needed or wanted "a man" in my life I could find someone nice. But I don't want someone else. I love James. I love him and miss him and wish he could be in my life again. Like I had him before, loving and close and kissy and good. I want science pillow talk. I miss being cuddled in his arms after making love, pillow talk.

I need to go cry.

I miss him so very much.

Jennifer

Lonely

Ugh.  I hate weekends without my son.  I am here at work.  It was a very busy day so it went by fast and now the day is over.  And I dread it because my son is going with his dad and I have nothing to do.  So here I sit at work not wanting to leave because I have nothing to do.  Or if I do then I have to do it alone.  And it sucks.  I hurt.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to see Pirates of The Caribbean and it is opening night but I just can't bear sitting alone again in the movie theater.  I can't.  I don't want to.  So I will wait until PJ and me are off together next week and we will go together.

This absolutely sucks.

It hurts so bad I can barely take it.  AND it is raining outside, of course. 

I want to scream.  But no.  I know I'll just cry. 

I'll go home and write and then go to bed.

I am very lonely.  I am so lonely.  I miss James.  So yeah I am lonely for him but I also feel entirely hopeless and discouraged since it's been so long. 

As I've said before- all I can do is keep sticking it out.  I don't want to be lonely anymore.   I don't want to have to go out to dinner alone, or go home and eat alone, and I will.  I've been alone for almost four years now.  And before that I was dating, didn't have anyone special in my life, and before that I was in an unhappy marriage.  The one constant I've had is my child.  Otherwise when it comes to relationships the only good nice loving blissful time I had was the few months I knew James.  And then it's been this for over three and a half years.  I FEEL LONELY.  I miss him and it hurts and I feel so hopeless and down.  I do love him.  Always have.  But this shit is killing me.

I really am so very ready to be happy in love, a happy wonderful blissful relationship.  I wish it could be with James.  But right now I see absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel.  I can't fake it- this hurts a lot.  I ache.  I don't like how I feel at all.  I miss James so much, but I also feel hopeless like- how the fuck do I know if I'm ever going to hear from him again?  Yet I stay alone.  So I'm in limbo.  And I do not like it.  I want some resolution.  I want hope.  I want some light at the end of that tunnel.  

Nope, not feeling well.   I hope ya'll feel better than I do.

Normal

Oh dear Lord- I am longing for normal.  Seriously.  I want to talk to James again like two normal people, like we used to talk.  It is so unnerving and I get so fucking upset because none of this feels normal or real.  He and I talked a lot.  It was interesting conversation.  There was always something to talk about, and we just liked hearing each others voices and connecting.

The thing that is so surreal is there were times after James was gone where we'd reconnect and talk again and it was like totally... normal.  Back to how it was.  We'd talk and laugh and it was all fine and good, and we'd be on the phone for hours.  He'd ask me to stay on the line longer ever after my ear was hot from three hours with my cell pressed against it.  I'd be tired, middle of the night, and he'd say, "But I hate saying goodbye or goodnight."

SURREAL!

This does not feel normal and that's why I don't accept it but also it frustrates me.  To tears.  I want to talk to my friend again like I used to!  It is still there- nothing really happened- I know that love and connection we shared, that intensity and desire and attraction, still exists.  And YES I am still fucking traumatized because I MISS THE PERSON I LOVE.  I miss him.  I miss James.  When there is no resolution it hurts.  Limbo aches.  No answers, nothing, is kicking my ass.

I try to stay focused on what I want.  I want James so for that reason I don't even talk to other men; I make it a point not to.  I want to talk to James.  But it is so frustrating to want something to badly and then not get it but at the same time stay away from all else.  So my only option in the mean time is to be alone and I am so fucking tired of being alone.  I hate doing shit alone.  I am so GOD DAMN tired of being alone!  I want my companion!  I want to talk to James.  I want the light at the end of the tunnel, some peace.  This "unknown" and limbo is Hell.  And I don't know how to change it so I just try to get through day by day by day, each day hoping, praying, longing to hear from my friend.  I can talk to anyone else, anyone I want to all I have to do is reach out and say hello and have a conversation.  Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to want to talk to this person and he is seemingly like the ONLY FUCKING PERSON I can't talk to?  It makes me sick- seriously it makes me want to puke.  I get angry.  Not at him but in general. I get upset.  Because it should not be like this.  It shouldn't be like this.  So I do this silly thing- I talk to him anyway.  Like I send him messages because I am so past the point where if I don't hear back it makes me feel bad.  I always have hope that one day he will reach out to me but I don't freak out with unfulfilled expectations.  So if I am overcome and missing him and wanting to talk to him then I do.  Because if not then I feel like I might explode or lose my mind or have a meltdown of some kind.  No matter what I know James welcomes my messages and my thoughts and my heart.  We always talked.  I know James is a good person.  The kind of person who would talk things out, for real.  Like FOR REAL.  Normal.  I've always told him (and those of you who read this blog) and the universe that when I hear from James and he "feels" like or seems like or sounds like the man I met and knew- then I will believe whatever he says to me.  Anything.  When he reaches out and is kind and friendly and caring and genuine like I know he is then I will believe what he has to say.  I will know he actually means the words he says and then I will be more at ease.  For now- I am not at ease because I have not spoken with him for a long time where he acts like the man I know, where I know he is being sincere and honest, and I know he actually means what he says.

And this is fucking Hell on earth.  It truly is.  OMG I can't even.  I have an exciting possibility in front of me, something we've talked about, something he'd understand and I want to talk to him.  Like a normal person.  Like I can with any of my friends or people I know or even people I work with.  This hurts.  I miss having him in my life, or having any access to him, or hearing from him, or knowing him.  It kills me inside.

I want more than just talking to my friend, of course.  I want us how we were and how I know we are meant to be.  This time last year he told me, very specifically, that he DOES love me and he always has.  THAT I know is truth, and this entire experience is unnerving.  And the thing that upsets me most is I do actually TRY.  I see what I've needed to change from the past and I TRY to change it.  So where is that reflection, hm?  Where is it?  I KNOW he is a good man.  I'd bet my life on it.  I know he is caring and kind, and I know he cares about me.  James knows I am a single mother.  He knows I have concerns and a sweet child and life is enough already as it is- he would NEVER do this to me with intention.  I am sure he wants to talk with me- so this aches, deeply.

Don't mistake what I say- I do not feel disregarded.  What I feel is entirely frustrated because I know this is not "real" and it pisses me off.  I know who he is.  I know he loves me and is a loving person.  He cares enough that he'd reach out if he could.  So I ask myself- well, then what can I do to allow him to reach out to me?  WTF do I need to do?

At this moment in time there are only so many things I can do.  1) not run off because I am irritated, frustrated or fed up, and believe me I don't like this experience.  I just do not BUT I love James.  Ha, I do love him- if I did not love James then there would be utterly no reason at all for me to still be doing this, trying, etc.  NO fucking way.  I ONLY do this because I love him and I hope and pray all the time that one day I will be able to see this man again or speak with him, at least speak with him FOR REAL.  TRUTH.  So here I am.  I love him so very much.  I want HIM.  I love him and miss him but I am not patient.  Not at all.  I am not some spiritual guru love and light "Lightworker" who is all about God's timing and blah blah blah- kiss MY ass.  I am not patient.  I feel frustrated and I hurt because I miss this person so much and I am so tired of hurting all the time.  But when you know something is not "right" or normal then it is impossible to accept.

I know him.  I remember him.  I remember how kind he was, attentive, responsive.  And he was, very.  He always checked on me.  He said good morning and good night.  He always called me, all the time.  I never called him because he always called me first.  He left me cute loving voicemails.  He knew what time I got out of church on Sunday and he'd call afterwards to say hello.  I miss his voice.  I miss him.  I miss the real true honest genuine him.  I know that is really him, the kind person who cared about my well-being.  Who PROTECTED MY HEART!  I KNOW that is him, and this is the most painful frustrating shit ever.

It is difficult because I DO pray.  I ask God.  I talk to the universe.  I beg.  I cry.  I ache deeply, and then nothing.  Like prayers gone unanswered- how the fuck am I supposed to believe in God when I talk and pray and ask and sometimes even beg but I see no change in this?  The one thing I want absolutely MOST?  Yes other good stuff happens to me, and I really am thankful for that stuff but that stuff is not my HEART.  It is not love.  The person I love so so much is missing from my life.  It doesn't feel good.

Try to understand- not only do I miss James but there is no resolution.  The last actual real contact I had with him was when he called me last year.  It was... like a reach out so I did not sink, basically.  I was ready to crash my fucking car that day.  He would not have done that if this was not really happening, as fucking surreal as this all is.  I know this man loves me.  I know he loves me as much as I love him.  And that is what hurts most because we should be together, should be talking, should be friends.  I should be able to text him about my day and get a response, have a friendly conversation.  That should be happening.  It did before and nothing bad happened between us.

I was thinking about it because sometimes I can get down on myself like "I did this wrong and that wrong" but this has been one challenging situation to get through.  But when we dated I was nothing but good to him too.  He was good to me, yes.  Generous, kind, sweet, loving, thoughtful, gentle... a great boyfriend.  But I was the very same to him.  I wanted ONLY him.  I was so very ready to have a real legitimate committed loving relationship.  I knew what I wanted, and I wanted to be 100% loyal and faithful to this person.  He asked me to be his girlfriend and said he loves being committed and he appreciates faithfulness and monogamy and that he was ready to fall in love again.  Inside I was like- wow, that's what I want too and I told myself that this was it.  I was all in, setting boundaries with any other man I was friends with or who talked with me, because I wanted to be completely honest with James in all ways.  That was my intention.  I was excited.  I was so so so very happy to have met him.  I felt lucky to have him in my life.  I fell so hard in love with him.  He meant so much to me.  And when he disappeared it almost killed me.  But I look back and I cannot be hard on myself because I was as good and loving to him as he was to me.  That is why he told me I was the best girlfriend ever and he fell in love with me too and could see me being his wife.  That is why he called me his "future" and told me he wanted to have me there with him every night.  Because I was good to him too.

This hurts so much.  I miss him way too much, and it is every day like this.  I don't write on the blog every day because it's just the same stuff all the time, right?  But I can't help it.  Limbo bites.  I hurt.  I miss him so much.  I am still very much in love with him and I've had... signs.  Songs.  I think messages here and there if that's what they are.  I write about something and then it is reflected back to me somehow and I'm not always sure what that means.  I want to hear from JAMES.  That is who I want it reflected back from, James.  THEN I will know for sure.  Then I will have some real peace.  Because songs, messages, signs- what are they showing me?  I tell myself it means to keep being persistent.  Keep trying.  Keep "clearing" and shifting and LOVING and being honest and one day I will be able to hear from James himself and he can be honest with me.

Honesty is what I want.  Truth.  I want him to contact me and be himself, no matter what he has to say.  I don't necessarily want "answers."  I want to talk with him where he sounds like himself.  Where I can have an open honest transparent conversation with my friend, like normal.  Where he can stay in contact with me!!!  I want this to be real life and normal and genuine and like it was before when we were just two people who met and fell in love and talked and kissed and made love and were good to each other and there for each other.

I feel like very day I am just barely hanging on.  Telling myself to keep trying.  Don't give up.  I love him so much.  I will say this time and again- the only reason why I try, why I think of him and focus and don't give up and move on and try to meet someone else and have some semblance of a normal life with a person who can actually be here, be in my life, not this "twin soul dynamic" is because I adore James and I know with anyone else- it would not be him.  And my GOD he is who I really want.  But damn this shit is a challenge.  Anyone else can just respond.  Say hi.  Reach out.  Anyone else is "easier" but I don't want easy I want James.  I want what I had with him, that perfect love.  I miss my golfing Atheist scientist silly goofball handsome thoughtful brilliant sexy loving caring boyfriend.  I want to sit on my couch and see him smile at me as he touches my face and then kisses me forever.  I want him to hold me close.  I want to hug him and have a real conversation.  I want to know how HE is doing too, how life is for him.  Like before, like I know is real and truth.  I want James.  So I keep trying.  And each day being apart from him kills me, and I hurt, and I have to try to deal with it the best way I can even when I want to fucking explode and I cry all the fucking time.  I cry all the time!  I get pissed off because I learned a new simple way to do my makeup but it really helps if I wear mascara but then I end up crying and then it's all fucked up anyway and it's all just so... ugh.  I want to be done crying!  I want to have love, real love that can stay and be with me, in my life!  But I want that with James!  I want him to be back!  I want this to be real again.  I don't like this but I feel like there is not much I can do but keep trying as much as I can even though I am very tired, exhausted.  It has been a long... three years and seven months.

I am one strong bitch.

And my heart is aching.

 I miss my Love and my friend  :(......

Jennifer

Let Me Hold You

I have probably shared this song here already but it is such a good song, and it is meaningful for me.

Man.  I miss James so much!  So so much.  I wish there was some magic wand to wave or step-by-step instructions I could follow so I could talk with him again, or better yet- I just want him to hold me.

This experience sucks.  No lie.  I can't hide how I feel- I don't like this situation and I wish James was here.  But this song speaks to me.  I wish he was here.  I wish he was holding me.  That is all I care about.  I miss my love.  When he was here last time I saw him I think the best moment was when we were sitting on my couch and he pulled me into his arms.  It felt wonderful.  Right.  He put his arms around me and held me to his chest quietly for a few moments.  I wish I would have relished that feeling a little deeper, a little longer.  And then he kissed me and I couldn't hardly believe that this man who I had longed for and loved and missed for so long was sitting with me and kissing me.  It did feel like a miracle.

And I miss him so much.  Oh dear God- I pray for some kind of reprieve, something.  I want to hear from James or see his face.  I ask the universe all the time to please show me what I need to do, but for the love of GOD or Zeus please PLEASE fucking show me in a way where I know for sure what the fuck you mean!  I get some dreams, symbolism, songs and I feel like they are messages or signs of some sort but then there seems to always be some ambiguity like- so does it mean this or that?

I just want a fucking message from the man I love more than life itself.  I miss his face!  I miss his voice!  I miss the way he walks.  I miss how it feels when he holds my hand.  I miss how sweet his laugh sounds.

I'm aching badly.  I don't write here often because how I feel never changes.  I ache every day.  I am always thinking of him, always loving him, always missing him.  I know me.  I know my heart.  I know how I feel.  I love me and who I am, and I love James.  I am so ready to do what he told me and that is "You need to learn how to accept love."  And he told me he loves me and wants me in his life, and he told me, "Accept that."  I am very ready to accept his love.  I want him here with me to love me, and I would gladly accept that love.  I do deserve to be loved but I want to be loved by James.  I miss him.  It's been too long since I have heard his voice or seen his face or been in contact with the man I love- and every single day like this hurts.  I do the best I can to deal with it.  But there is no "overcoming" it or being "joyful."  I feel sad, often.  And happy at the same time, sometimes.  I smile and live and laugh like I have to.  Sometimes.  Other times I cry and feel really blue no matter what I do.  Sometimes I want to scream.  Quite often I want to scream.  I feel unfulfilled and achy.  I want James to touch me and hold me and kiss me.  I miss his smile.  I miss how safe warm and right it feels to be held by him.  I totally remember when we dated and it was SO EASY to be together, to talk.  To text or email and get a response!  To talk and share and feel safe and trusting.  It was wonderful when he came over to visit me.  I was able to see him and speak with him and be with him.  To HUG him.  He always walked in the door and greeted me with a big smile and a warm hug and a kiss.  But those hugs.  He hugged me when we first met, and he hugged me when we met last year. 

I miss his hugs.  I hurt.  I miss him so much.

I just wish we could hold each other.  For a very very long time.

Love

I heard this cheesy 80s pop love song a while back and it made me smile, and then cry.  I remember being young when I hear this song.  Debbie Gibson.  I even had some of her "Electric Youth" perfume in the cool hip-looking bottle.  I can even remember what it smelled like!

When I was with James he made me feel like I was young again.  Sitting on my couch making out for hours.  Kissing and kissing and kissing.  OMG it was special and good and what I would not do to have all that back again.  I ask God often- what do I need to do?  Really?  When can I hear from my friend and Love again?  I miss him so very much.  And yes still he is all I want.

I miss his kisses.  I miss how he'd gently touch my face and then smile as he leaned in to kiss me.  I just really miss his sweet kisses, and he always told me I am the world's best kisser, that he absolutely loves kissing me.  I feel that he still misses my kisses too.  His eyes are so blue and the way he would look into my eyes and then kiss me.  He made me swoon.  I miss him so much.

I wish he could be back with me, in my life, together with me, close to me, intimate with me.  *sigh*  I dunno.  Holding on is about all I can do, and deal with this the best I can.  Out of all the people in the world I could talk to James is the one person I want to talk with most.  My heart aches for him.  Nothing stops it.  I try to keep my focus where it should be.

So I gotta share this, and it might sound odd.  I don't blog a whole lot and here is why.  I would just say the same things over and over again.  I have found that I should not really even repeat or explain some of the things that happen to me because if it is something I do not want to happen again- then I am simply asking for more of it, or to dream about it, or something.  And I don't want that.  I am trying to be very careful with my energy and what I focus on because- listen... I can't make this stuff up.  I could write something here on my blog and then five minutes after posting here I will see more evidence of what I wrote about pop into my life.

This tells me to focus only on what I really want to see more of in my life, and that is James and his presence and his smile and his touch and his sweet sweet kisses.  I want to hear from him.  I want to have a real conversation with him because I miss him terribly.  I want to feel happy and blissful with his gentle happy presence in my life.

I really just want my sweet kind friendly sexy Atheist scientist boyfriend back in my life.  THAT is what I really want.  I want him back like I had him, funny, silly, goofball, always making me laugh, kissing me senseless, writing me sweet messages, coming over to see me, kiss me, hug me and be near me, making sweet love to me, being my friend and my lover.  I want James back in my life.

I miss him and love him so very much.

Jennifer

Wanting

Hello. Just me. Nothing new to say. Same thimg- I love him and I miss him and I sure wish he was in my life again. I wish my life was how I dream of it being, me, my husband and my child. My family. Possibly another child too. And I still want that with James.

Signs, songs, nudges- I still get them. But what I really want is to see James or hear from him. I really want to know some truth. Honest truth. I feel I deserve that.

I want to hear from him where I know at first contact that he feels and sounds like the sweet kind man I met, the person I know he is. I want truth.  I miss his giddy warm friendly energy. I do want to kiss him. When he was here last we surely did kiss
 I want more of that. I know that is truth
 Warm sweet loving kisses. Holding and hugging each other. That's what I dream of.

I'm kinda quiet because the only thing I can say is I love James. I miss him. I wish he was here in my life now. Some days it is very painful and those are not good days for me to write here. I want to be fully happy now with my dream here in my life. I want my happiness. My bliss. I want that. The best way for me to explain how I feel right now is I live because I'm a mom; that is why I'm still here. And I dream of the day when I'm fully happy and personally fulfilled with my mate and companion by my side. I want that person to be James like we discussed when he was here.  Living together, married. He told me many times I would make the best wife. I want to be his wife.

So right now I hurt. More than I want to express here. I wish he could be back. I miss him so much.

Memories

I... really miss James.  I am getting ready to go home and be a mom but I really wish it was like when I knew James.  When I knew he was coming over to see me.  When I knew I was going to be able to see him.  I looked forward to when he came over to my house.

Honestly I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing now.  Strange stuff happens but I won't detail it here.  All I know is I miss James.  I love him, and I wish I could hear from him.  I wish I could see his face.

The other day I came across a thought a woman wrote about her Beloved.  She said she is not co-dependent in wanting this man in her life.  She said she just knows how good it would be, how happy she would be with him, so she wants him in her life with her.  Because she knows how good it was and how good it would be.  So she holds on and tried and has faith in all this because what she wants is him.  To her being with him=happy life.  I get that.  I understand her.  I know what I am missing in not being with him; I know how good life would be if James were here with me.  I know he is the perfect match for me.  I love his mind, how he thinks, how he talks, how he expresses himself, his Atheism because he is such a free thinker, so brilliant.  I LOVE that about him.  I love that he says love and kindness are most important.  I love that he feels monogamy is important and he is faithful.  I love that he is respectful and protective of who he loves- he showed me that even in the time we were together.  He was careful with me.  I love that we can talk for hours and hours and never get bored but that when we are together, alone, all we want to do is kiss and touch and make love.  Maybe talk and then kiss and touch some more.  I love that we laughed together.  I love that he can make me laugh.  He is silly, a goof ball.  I love that I felt so good with him and like he accepted me just as I am.  I told him some things about me that I did not really want to admit for fear of being judged harshly and he let it roll right off of him, told me he understood, told me it did not change how he felt about me.

Talk about relief!  He treated me so gently and kind.  I miss that.  Of course it aches.  Of course I know what I am missing, and of course I want him back in my life sooooo so so much!  I wish he was here.  My arms ache for him.  I want to hold his hand again.  I remember how he so sweetly asked to hold my hand on our first date when we went out for a walk.  We just walked along together holding hands while he told me science facts and asked questions, and he kept looking at me with a small cute smile.  Immediate friends, and I knew I liked him.  

But immediate friends.  I felt like I could tell him anything, talk to him forever, and I did not want our night to end.  I could have walked along with him until morning.  He felt warm, safe and comfortable as well as... he is really cute so I felt like I'd hit the lottery.  And his red "A" for Atheist t-shirt that he wore.  I remember everything.  I remember how sexy he looks in black because his beautiful blue eyes totally glow and the black makes them ever more vibrant.

And he is handsome.  I saw a man yesterday who reminded me far too much of James, and that is so hard because it brings everything back.  And then it hurts because I ache even more deeply.  I want to see his sweet face again.  I want to see him smile at me and come up to hug me like he does.  I want to FEEL my friend again, and I mean feel his presence.  I want to talk to the man who used to drive to my house in the evenings to see me, to come visit me at my house- it's rare these days to find a man who will come over just to sit and talk and kiss or just spend quiet time together.  He came over to be in my presence and see me.  Like... he wanted to just come see his "girlfriend" and that is so cute to me.  And I looked forward to seeing his little black car outside.  I loved knowing he was going to be with me later.  He picked up from work for lunch once- that was sweet too.  Very thoughtful, to want to take me to lunch.  And he had to take the day off to do so.  Who would not want that back in her life?  Really?  Once you have had perfection- what the fuck do you do?  Seriously?  I miss James so much.  I am in love with him because... he earned my love.  He showed me how awesome he is and how wonderful he treats people, treats women, and I love him for that.  For his friendly funny nature, for his intelligence and being unique.  He is totally affectionate too and I love that.  Like kiss and hug and hold hands all the time affectionate.  He told me all the time how much he loves me- and that was bliss.  He showed me so much love and kindness- of course I miss him with my entire heart.

How could I not?

How can you not love a man who... ugh, he would kiss me for hours and not ask for one iota more than kisses.  He loved to just kiss me, and I know he loves my kisses.  We kiss good together.  Magical kisses, lost in each other kisses, losing time kisses.  Heaven on earth kisses.  I'd do anything to be able to kiss him for the rest of my life.  I miss him so much!  I miss him so very much.  To have a man who cherishes you and protects you and respects you is a gigantic gift.  I ache to have my gift back with me.  I miss my gift.

I miss him.  I have our memories but I want more than memories.  I miss him and want him with me.  I need to speak with him.  I want to see him, see his beautiful face.  I wish I could feel his hands touch my face again.  I wish I could feel him kiss me and hold me.  I really wish he could hold me and hug me.  I just want to sit and hold him, quietly.  Feel him hold me.  Hold each other.  I want that so bad.  I ache to feel his arms around me again.  I need him here.  He would always gently touch my face before guiding us together for a kiss.  Oh God I have videos of us kissing but I have not looked at them in like two years.  I can't.  I remember them in my mind but I can't watch them; they are too hard for me to take but I do remember the kisses.  And when he took the video we both started laughing so he's on video with his silly laugh and it just turns me into a pile of sobbing goo so I can't watch it.  But I do remember.  We had fun.  We laughed together.  We were friends and we still are friends.  We ARE friends and I miss my friend.

I really ache.  All the time.  I wish this was different now.  I wish he was here.  I wish to hear from him soon or even better see him, be with him, hug him and kiss him.  I do love James so much.

How can I not?

Good memories yes.  Good memories of beautiful love.

Jennifer

Desire

"I Want to Kiss You All Over." And over again. Holding you loving you baby, 'till the night closes in. I keep hearing this song. I heard it yesterday. And a long time ago (before I started hearing it play on the radio) I woke with it in my head.

It is challenging to want love and desire someone this strongly. I ache for James. I do want to kiss him all over. Everywhere. I miss him. Last thing I did with him was kiss him all over and make love with him. He has a glorious body. Like wow. Attractive in every way and I crave him. I want to kiss him and touch him forever. So that song always gets to me. "I need you." I want to be close and intimate and loving with him. I would love to have more sweet pillow talk after making love.

*sigh* This is what I wake up with in my mind, right? Just how much I miss him and want to make love with him. Yeah I miss our lively fun talks too. I love talking with James because it is sweet, loving, stimulating in all ways. Cute and flirty too; he used to push me to tell him my fantasies. But in a gentle sweet flirty boyfriend way. I felt shy. No one had ever cared to know my fantasies before. It was always a great to speak with him. And he has the best voice. Makes me melt. Literally. Ugh. Sexy voice.

But really I want him close and in my arms. Hugging me holding me kissing me and making love to me, with me. That's what I want, always.

My son was upset last night. He spent the weekend with his dad and he was really missing him last night. So he was crying at bedtime, kept saying he missed his dad. My son is really sensitive like me and when he gets really tired it comes out in him. So I cuddled him, sang him a bunch of soft songs, and snuggled up with him comforting him until he relaxed and fell asleep. There was nothing else to do besides let him lay there and cry alone and I can't do that. I love him. When he is sad I comfort him. I am happy to do that. It calms him so he can fall asleep okay.

We all crave comfort when we are sad especially when we miss someone we love a lot. So it kind of made me extra sad because my son was sad and missing his dad, crying, and I was able to hold him and hug him to comfort him. You have no idea how much I would like that for myself now. I want to be hugged and held while I'm sad. Or until I'm no longer sad. Until I feel better. I want James to hug me and hold me. It hurts. I feel like my son; I miss someone I love. I want to talk to him or see his face or spend time with him. And day after day I ache like this, craving those hugs. Praying for his embrace.

I know how my son feels, missing someone so much that you cry yourself to sleep. Thing is we can Skype his dad. He can call his dad. His dad can make arrangements to pick him up for an extra couple hours. And then it will be all better. My son will feel relief and his sadness will be alleviated.

Whereas I'm going on three and a half years of wanting to be with the one I love and miss. I am just so ready to know James again. I love him and miss him. Comforting hugs and cuddles would be very much welcome. I go to sleep missing him and wake missing him. I wish I could have him here with me again. I desire him in every way possible. But even more- I just love him. I always love him. Whether or not I hear a word from him or even know anything about him I love him and know I always will. But I miss him so very much too.