Why

I do believe in this experience. I don't understand it although it shows me that for some of us we only truly have control through our energy. When it comes to what we want most in life sometimes we cannot get those things through "making it happen" on our own. Going through this has made me way more aware that YES energy is real and super important to be careful with.

I'm human though and there is this one thing I want more than anything else... my happy ending with James. He called me his future and said he wanted a life with me. He told me last year that yes, he does love me. But I know he loves me. He fell in love with me and that love never disappeared. Okay, his physical presence in my life went away but that love still exists. I know it does.

That is the reason why I hold on. Why I try. Why I don't move on. Because I know who he is, an amazingly good man. And I know he still loves me. No matter what is happening right now I feel in my heart that James actually loves me.

I have also learned that focus is important. Lately my focus has been all over the place. I have not been writing (which is my meditation) like I used to. And I should. I'm pretty sure I can tell when my focus is off. That is when this starts to feel unreal. "should I continue?" And at the end of that decision is this great guy who I adore.

I have not forgotten the man I met and fell in love with. Nearly every morning I pass where we first met and I can still imagine him walking towards me with his beautiful friendly smile. He was adorable. And he hugged me! He hugged me with a smile and said "You are just as beautiful as I knew you would be." We went inside to talk and have a drink and he was perfect. I went to the bathroom and text my friend real quick "OMG he is wonderful!" Because he was. Respectful. Friendly but not really flirty. He felt very safe and good. Right.

And that smile. Damn. He also has gorgeous blue eyes. I couldn't stop looking at him because he is just so cute! I was thinking... where did this guy come from? It was almost too perfect (little did I know) but I felt like it wasn't an accident. He felt too good, too right. His hug felt like I could stand there hugging him forever. Inviting and like home. Even though I had just met him.

We had been talking for a few weeks already though so I felt comfortable in meeting him. I knew I'd like him. We clicked fast. We would talk on the phone almost every night and if he didn't call me he would always text or email me; he always kept in contact with me, never kept me guessing. Never! I appreciated that about him, his responsiveness. He said good morning and good night all the time even before we met. He had already said he couldn't wait to kiss me.

I was very much looking forward to meeting him and he did not disappoint at all. He blew me away really. It was the sweetest thing ever on our first date when he asked to hold my hand while we were walking. I just thought that was really cute. "Would it be okay if I held your hand?" Felt innocent and sweet walking with him holding hands while he shared science facts with me and we kept grinning at each other.

I truly enjoyed getting to know him. I enjoyed every moment I had with James. They were good moments! We got along well. I believe that all the "loving getting along" is our only truth. I know he is a good man, that sweet guy I met. He was so so good to me!! Like a dream come true! Everything I had ever asked for- and he is stimulating too. Brilliant mind. Free-thinker, very aware. Loving and kind. I miss his science mind. And his Atheism. I miss our long talks although my own views have changed somewhat.

But I miss his kisses most. I miss the way he kisses me. I miss being wrapped up in his arms losing myself in his sweet kind gentle kisses. It is such a happy memory for me knowing how content he was to only kiss me and hold me! It makes me feel special that he would make an effort to come over and spend time with me after my son went to sleep- and all he wanted was to be with me. Near me. Holding me. Kissing me. I love that still. He showed me huge respect. He was lovingly patient with me. He was a total angel to be with.

That is why I miss James so much. Had he been any less amazing then I would not feel like I do. But he was perfect. And I wanted him in my life forever once I fell for him and he started telling me he could see himself marrying me. He was sweet to my child too. And of course that means the world to me, that he included my boy. James was fine with the fact that I was a mom. He liked my son. My son liked him. PJ still remembers James mini golfing with us and feeding the baby alligators. He says James is a "nice man."

*sniff* I don't know how this all feels to James. I just know it has happened. We have some kind of strong connection and I love him beyond all measure. I used to tell him there was nothing that would make me stop loving him and that is because I refuse to believe what I know is not real. I know he is a good kind loving person. I know he loves me and wants to talk with me. I feel in my heart that he misses me too. He once told me that not a day goes by where he doesnt think of me; I believe he still thinks of me now.

There are so many reasons why I love him. So many reasons why I "hold on." I have this conviction that no matter how weird things can appear on the outside reality is we love each other and I cannot bring myself to give up! God sometimes I get close! But I'm fucking stubborn when it comes to something or someone who matters to me. James matters to me, a lot. And despite all the "stuff" in these last years he still let me know he does love me. When I saw him last year- that was love. His phone call to me last summer when I was internally losing my shit- he only did that because he loves me and was trying to tell me to just keep trying and hold on.

I KNOW IT.

Hence why I'm still here writing on my blog. It helps me stay focused. When I'm not writing here I might be writing in my journal or I might be slacking off and not wanting to focus, being tempted to feel "normal." It helps me to stay balanced and in belief of all this, focused, when I write here like I used to.

I'm also trying to hold myself accountable. So whatever I write here I mean to practice in my daily "real life." I want my actions and choices to match the intentions I speak here. Because "real life" sneaks up. Frustrations and temptations happen. But I'd really like to stay as honest as I can.

I have 5 days off with my son. I sure wish James was sharing time with us. I miss this man with everything I have inside of me. I miss his laugh. He is a silly goofball! I miss his friendly cute nature. He was so very affectionate with me; I miss his affectionate loving personality.

I miss my friend who I sat outside and talked to on the phone for hours. He has an incredibly sexy voice. I ache for him in every way.

And those kisses. I miss his kisses. I wish I could sit down on my couch with him and feel him touch my face while he smiles his beautiful smile then kisses me. And kisses me. I sooooooo miss and love James' sweet kisses and embrace.

I wish we could hold each other.

This is why I hold on; I love him far too much to let go.

Jennifer