Be with Someone...

This is how it would have been with James.  He had already told me that he wished he would find me there when he got home from work.  He said he wanted to sleep with me every night and wake to me in the morning.  I've always felt that if we were together it would be so wonderful to come home to him, or to be home and looking forward to when he gets home.

Home.

I wish he could be my home.  I miss James.  It sucks.  I don't have much to say except that my heart hurts and I wish he could be here.  Because I miss him.  Being away from someone you love and knowing nothing about that person is emotionally taxing.  I miss him.  I wish I could talk with him again.  I wish I could hug him and be in his arms.

At this point even just talking with him or hearing from him would be a blessing.  I cannot stand this quite, and it is very hard living without him.  I have to live without him because, well, I gotta live.  I have a life and a child.  But fuck it hurts, and in a way that most people could not understand.  I have to suck it up and deal with it and it hurts.  I didn't ask for this experience although I am trying to do my best with it since I'm in it and I love him. 

I love James.  That's why I'm still here keeping this blog and crying on my way home from work and begging the universe to hear from him and holding on and texting him even if I get no response and praying even though I don't know if I even believe in a "god" anymore- because I love James.

I am lonely but I love him.

I just wish he was in my life.  I wish I knew I was going to see him soon.  This is so frustrating and unreal because I know he is a good man, and I know he loves me.  I know it, and he told me, and he showed me and love like that doesn't just disappear.  Yeah he disappeared but our love, his love for me, did not disappear.  I know he still loves me.  Hence why I am still in this.  Because I know he loves me.  But it hurts.

I ache.  I want the pain and ache to be over.  I want him in my life.  I want to know him again and be able to speak with him.  He was here last year and kissed me again.  I want more of those kisses.  I want to kiss James and hold him.  I want to sit on my couch and kiss each other. 

Him.  I want him.  Not a substitute.  Not someone else who is not him.  I want James.  He is the man I want to kiss and hug and hold.  This should be easy.  As easy as it was when we met, simply sitting down and smiling at each other and embracing and kissing.  As easy as that. 

I am irritated over things I won't explain here because I don't want to give them the attention they do not deserve.  All I can say is I want it to be James.  I want to hear from HIM.  I want to talk with him.  I want to know how he is doing.  I want to talk to my friend again.

I miss my FRIEND.  He became my friend, and he once told me he would never want to hurt me, that it would kill him if he ever hurt me.  I know James is a good kind caring careful compassionate man.  I remember him.  It is the remembering that hurts.  Remembering how sweet he was to me, how kind.  Gentle.  Nice to me and my son both.  Understanding, respectful and patient.  I appreciate his patience and caring personality.  I love his kisses and I miss them so much, kind gentle loving kisses.  We kissed for hours and it was wonderful, and I miss him and his sweet kisses.

It is all I want, to be with him.  To see his sweet face again, hear his voice, kiss his lips.  Hold him.  I would love to be held in his arms.  I miss this man I love.  My sweetest friend.