*Sigh*

I so totally feel like this little bear right now.

I'm making an upward movement at my job, will be stepping into a director's position as of July 1st.  I know I will do well but it's a big change for me, and one I never thought I'd do.  But the notice already went out to the campus, I already accepted the change, and here we go, right?  I'll do my best.

It's this really exciting change for me.  When they hired me nine and a half years ago I didn't even think of it.  But it's hopeful and great, and the university has treated me SO very well.  It's a wonderful opportunity for me, even though a little daunting due to the change in job responsibility and how many people I will be managing.  I have a good personality though; I'll make a good manager.

So here I am, exciting changed happening, and all I want to do is talk to James.  I wish I could.  I miss him so much and missing him (sadly) seems to put a damper inside on all I do.  I don't like it.  It really upsets me greatly.  It upsets me that I can't talk to him, and I feel like I am meant to be alone if not with him, so I don't have that "special person" in my life to talk to.  It sucks.  I don't mean to be negative but I hurt.  I want my companion.  I want my "other half" in my life.  I am NOT a woman who will tell you "Oh I am just fine on my own."  NOPE, nada.  I want a romantic loving partner in my life more than I want pretty much anything, and I really want that person to be James.  So not talking with him feels horrible.  It feels like Hell; it really does.  I can't stand it.  It makes me crazy inside.

Obviously I live my life as best I can.  If the university is asking me to step into this role then I've proven myself and they know they can trust me.  I'm a great mother.  I'm a good employee; I'm dedicated to where I work.  I earned both of my degrees here and I love where I work.  I love working non-profit knowing the industry I work in makes a difference.  Purdue has not increased their tuition since 2012.  It is not about making loads of money but about being a successful university, and I can appreciate that.  A large part of what I do concerns making sure the university spends its money the right way.  It's a good job.  But I'm not out here letting my heart issues bring me down.  I am stronger than that but what sucks royally is I can be successful THROUGH the pain.  Despite it.  I still hurt all the time, and I don't like that.  I don't feel that I deserve it, and I wish I didn't hurt like I do.  But I miss James and I am lonely and it hurts.  I feel like I am stuck.  I actually feel pretty hopeless as it pertains to this situation with James.  Being a "twin soul" seems SO un-fucking-real to me right now.  All I know is I've been in love with this man for almost four years and through most of it we have not been in contact, and here I am trying and holding on and believing and wishing and praying and HOPING.  I have such a hopeful little heart and soul.  And loving.  I LOVE him.  I adore him.  If I didn't love him as much as I do then I would have bolted from this "connection" ages ago.  ONLY my huge gigantic love for this man, and knowing full well that he does love me too, keeps me staying alone, staying single, holding space for him and hoping that somehow, someway, I will hear from him or see him soon. He is a good man- that is the only reason why I keep trying.

But I don't like the inner pain and grief I feel.  It is grief, plain and simple, and I feel it all the time.  Wishing, hoping, praying.  Relying on the belief that this IS a "different" connection, of soul, and that it runs under different rules, rules where I need to stay focused on what I want and not run off to something else that is easier (AKA someone else who is not my twin soul) which means I've been alone for three and a half years, and I don't like that.  I don't want to be alone.  I want the man I love in my life.  I want to be able to come home and share my good news with my husband, with my entire FAMILY, not just a seven year-old boy.  I want to be married to a man who loves me and cares about me, one who cares about what I think and the things that happen to me.  Do you have any idea how badly I want to be able to just pick up the mother fucking phone and text James and have him respond?  Or talk to him on the phone?  Or make arrangements to see him?  I want it to be NORMAL where you say hello and that person says hello back.  It's such a fucking challenge.

I'm thankful.  I really am.  This is a great opportunity for me.  But I'm god damn sad too.  And I have to hide it most of the time.  I hide it well.  But I'm so sad.

Jennifer