The Best Thing

OMG I'm crying while I listen to this song.

I wish he could have stayed.
I wish he was a part of my life right now.
I wish we would have lasted and went on to get married.
I wish he was PJ's step dad.
I wish we had a baby together.
I wish I could make dinner for him.
I wish I could have the experience of finally having a man take care of me once in a while like make me dinner or breakfast in bed, and I know he would- I wish that could happen.

It's kinda funny.  I am so used to taking care of myself.  I do it well.  Have been for a long time.  I don't really know how to "let" someone else take care of me but at the same time I wish for that experience, to have a man in my life I could rely on through thick and thin, who would be good to me when I am sick, who would talk with me and laugh with me and desire me and tell me I'm beautiful.  Who would want to take me fun places and go on vacation with me and just have fun together, happy easy fun.  I know James is that type of caring carefree happy good man.  He'd make the best husband a woman could ever ask for.  I just know it, and it makes my heart ache. I want it to be him SO MUCH.  I want him to be my husband.  I want him to be the man in my life who is good to me.

It is so very hard to know that besides my son James is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  And he is not here and it sometimes makes it hard to live.  Just existing hurts.  I can't breathe when I think about how wonderful it was to know him, how I had perfection in the palm of my hand, and how badly it hurts being away from him.

It is very painful when you lose something you love so much, a person you know would bless your life immensely, the person you've dreamed of forever, the person you've begged God for forever- and to have that person enter your life, love you and then disappear... it's not bearable.  I only deal with it because I have to live.  I have to be here on earth- there is no other option.  Believe me- I considered other options but they are not doable, not with a child and family and friends who love me and depend on me.

But living sometimes hurts very bad.  I miss James.  I miss him so much!  I wish I could talk to him.  I don't know what to do.  Every single day is a challenge.

And I feel guilty because I DO have good things in my life!  I do, and I recognize this.  I have such a wonderful child.  I think something out there must have known I was going to go through this Hell so it brought me PJ first.  He helps me.  He is a bright shining light, the most loving sweet funny happy joyful and amazing child.  We do have a lot of fun together, and I am lucky to have this healthy happy child.  I know I am.

But that does not take away my heartache.  My heart hurts.  I miss this person I love, and we had no resolution.  It's been ages since I talked to James and he sounded like the kind loving REAL man I met.  I know that man.  I remember him, and I refuse to make any final decision on this path until I've heard from James and he sounds like the man I met.

I've told God and the universe (and James) this over and over.  Once I hear from James and he sounds just like the guy I met, caring, considerate, kind, loving, protective... then I will believe and accept what he tells me.  Only then.  Until then I know none of this right now is "real" or right or honest.  Basically I don't believe anything I've heard from him when I know it's not authentic or real or honest.  When I know it is NOT honestly how he feels.  I know James.  I remember him.  I want to talk to THAT man again.

I go to sleep missing him.  I wake up with him in my heart and on my mind.  I pray to have good dreams.  I spend my days telling myself that one day this will change.  It will.  I know he loves me.  I want to talk to him.  I want us to be able to talk together.  I want him to be able to reach out to me and be the man I met.  The fun friendly goofball man I met.  Science-brain.  Sweetheart, held my hand on our first date and brought my son Pop Rocks while we dated.  I want to KNOW that man again.  Until I do- I won't feel like this... is real or acceptable.

I still get signs.  I have to try and deduct what they mean or are trying to tell me.  Sometimes things happen that make me really angry at the universe.  I try and tell myself they must mean something even if they upset me or poke me in the wrong way.  I'm trying to believe it has some meaning even if I don't fully know what that is.  Like the other night I was getting ready for bed.  I was thinking of James, of course.  I was thinking, "Man I miss him and I wish I could hear from him."  I went to set the alarm on my phone and some random man I don't know sent me a message on Skype.  I rarely use Skype except to talk to my nephew who calls us sometimes.  I've always wished I could talk to James on Skype, see him, talk with him.  Well this strange man sent me a Skype message and his names was James.  And it really upset me.  I said nothing back, only declined to speak to him.  I have utterly no desire to talk with any other man. It is so frustrating to want to talk to my friend, to pray for something and ask for it and think of him all the time but to then get contacted by someone with the same name.  I don't even know what to do with that.  The only thing I have the power to do, decline the request and go to sleep.

I had someone comment on this blog, said that twin souls (the ones who go quiet) are all narcissists.  I did not bother to post the comment and debate this person.  Not worth my energy.  But I will say this- those of us experiencing this KNOW.  When you are inundated with signs day in and day out then you know it is more than "just normal life."  When the person you love is obviously used as a mirror for you, a strong unfailing mirror that is so "in yo face" that you gotta finally cave and believe the unbelievable, you realize there is more to all of this than what we previously thought of relationships and intentional energy.  I feel that it is more.  And I feel that James loves me and I love him and if I just keep believing and knowing that "this" is special, even when it hurts so bad, in the end he can come back to me.  Because I do still feel like this is on me.  I know it.  I get frustrated and want "real life" and happiness right this moment.  I want him to be here now.  I want him in my arms.  And it hurts, the wanting.  The memories.  I can't look at his pictures; they are burned into my brain anyway so all I have to do is recall them and they are there but to open my old phones and look at his pictures is too much for my heart to handle.  I still have his old voicemails from when we were dating.  His sweet soft kind sexy voice.  He'd call me just to tell me he loves me.  On voicemail.  I can't.  I just cannot listen to that now.  It already feels like my guts are being ripped out with memories alone.  I literally ache for him.  I remember when he was here last year and being in his arms.  Seeing his beautiful face for the first time in almost three years after wishing and hoping and praying to see him again.  Him pulling me into his arms and up against his chest and holding me.  Even just hearing his voice when he walked in and smiled at me and said hello.  And then he hugged me.  After almost three years he hugged me and was warm and friendly.  I miss him so much.

*sigh*

I miss him.  I don't know what else to do.  He is not in my life right now, not in the physical and YES I am one who NEEDS "his body" with me.  His human self.  I appreciate that we have an energetic connection.  I get it, and I respect it.  But NO it is not AT ALL enough for me.  Nope, never will be.  Ever.  I need James in my arms.  On my couch wrapped up in my arms kissing me for hours.  I know James loves to kiss me.  And when we met last year he told me, "I do love talking with you."  And he kissed me.  Oh man.  It felt so so so good to kiss him again.

I want to talk with him again.  Know him again.  Kiss him and hold him and laugh with him.  I want to share life with him, like we talked about.  I do still believe.  I have never been given a solid REAL believable reason not to.  I hope that makes sense.  I hope those people who read this and wonder why the fuck I keep holding on- I've never been given a believable reason to give up.  I know James still loves me and me giving up would be... wrong.  Probably abandoning my dreams, giving up on the best man to ever happen to me.  I can't.  I love him too much, and too many strange things have happened that make me believe this is different than anything I knew before I met him.

I miss laughing with my friend.  I miss laughing with my friend!  We had a beautiful relationship.  We really did.  I know this, and I refuse to throw that away in my memory or taint it- because it was a a sweet, genuine, healthy, REAL new love.  It had the basis of being a strong long-term, life-long love relationship.  Like marriage.  Husband and wife.  He told me we would get married on the beach, "Sushi at our wedding, right?"

If only I could go back and change my mistakes.  I wish I could.  I wish I could go back knowing what I know now.  I'd only love him and cherish him and believe in his strong sweet love for me.  I'd accept his love readily and know he was my gift.  I'd hold on to my gift.  I'd know I was enough for him.  I wish.  I wish so much!  I know James thinks I am a good person.  I know he loves me.  He showed me that all along in any way he could.  He treated me so well when I knew him.  Because he wanted to, and because he is a good person like that. 

This hurts.  I don't feel good.  I try the best I can.  I wish so much for us to be able to hold each other again.  I am still so in love with him, and he is who I want.  James.  The adorable gentle guy I met.

I miss you I miss you I miss you. 

~xxoo