I miss kissing James. I miss his kisses. I don't write here often because there is not a lot new to say. I love James. I think about him all the time; he's always in my mind and heart. And I miss him a lot. It hurts. I ache inside. I wish he was in my life. I am still not "over" the fact that he just kinda slipped away and there has been no resolution. I want truth. I want to talk with him or see him or share time with him where I know he's being honest and genuine and himself. NOT acting. Not "the mirror of my madness" but ONLY truth. I want truth.
But I also miss his kisses so very much. Last year when he was here and he kissed me I thought I would die. Seriously. It was like a miracle, like maybe I was dreaming. I could barely believe he was here, talking with me, but then to hold me and hug me and kiss me and make love to me was amazing in all ways. Amazing that he was here at all and amazing because sharing love with James is amazing.
I miss him. I cannot tell you how much I miss him. There are no words. Only if you could feel what I feel would you know. I live my life. I have to. I had six days off with my son and we had a blast fishing, building bonfires, grilling and we put up the tent in preparation for camping. I had the best time with PJ but still my heart hurts. We went grocery shopping and were ready to bag our groceries when this man walked past me to go out the door. He had come out of one of the back rooms of the store and apparently was working on their coolers because he went to his work van and got his jacket. But he looked just like James; he even walked like James. It freaked me out and gutted my heart. It's hard when that happens, when I see these men who look SO much like him because it brings him to mind strongly and that is bittersweet. I started crying a little in the store (trying not to) and my son hugged me and asked me if I was sad. YES. Yes I was sad.
Sad because I want James to be in my life again. I want to know him. It sucks to not even be able to TALK with him. Like... it's so not even right or normal. I want to talk with him or see him or kiss him.
This hurts.
I want to kiss him. I want to be held in his arms. I want him to walk up to me with his big smile and say a friendly hello and hug me, hard. Hold me. I want us to hold each other. I miss his smile, his face, his sweet voice. I miss his body, holding his hand, his cute little walk. I miss his jokes and goofball nature that make me laugh and smile all the time.
And man do I miss his sweet, kind, intimate, loving sexy gentle tender kisses. Kisses that last for hours. Kisses where kissing is Heaven and totally enough. I miss him and his kisses. He is everything I asked for, my gift.
I miss my gift. I am not sure what to say or do. I ache. I do my day in and day out stuff and am thankful for this life I live where I have my blessings but I miss James dearly, and it hurts.
The way I explain it is like this: if someone were to ask me, "How's life?" I'd tell them that life is fine, good, things are going well and I am blessed. Lots to be thankful for. I have a good child, good job, good home, good friends and family, etc. And yes that's honest. BUT if someone were to ask me, "How do you feel?" I would tell them I feel sad. Sometimes happy and sad both. I miss the man I love the most in the whole universe. Yes I am blessed but those blessings do not take away my ache. I wish James was sharing my blessings with me.
Life was just so much happier when he was in it. I was truly happy for the first time in a very very long time, true good genuine healthy happiness. This wonderful single man was choosing ME to be his girlfriend, and he was an angel to me. So sweet, kind, patient, respectful, thoughtful, smart, stimulating, wonderful... he would have made any woman an excellent boyfriend but here he was choosing me. Only me. Making a commitment to me, wanting me to be his and his only.
That was like... awesome. Because he is everything I ever asked for, like my dreams were coming true.
So I miss him like the breath has been stolen from me; sometimes it is hard to breathe. I still have to bargain with myself to not drink because at least if I drink it takes the pain away just a bit but drinking (even if not to excess) makes me feel bad in so many ways. It makes me gain weight. It makes my muscles twitch and my legs ache. It wreaks havoc on my skin, etc. etc. So I try to abstain because I don't like the side-effects, mainly. I don't like feeling bloated and icky. So that means I have to be sober and just sit with the emotional pain which... sucks, quite frankly. It sucks. *sigh*
I wish James was with me. I really do.
I miss his kisses.
Jennifer
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