I saw this and thought it was funny, and I could use a laugh.
I miss James a lot. I ache to talk with him. Seriously I mean like a conversation. No stress. I just want to talk with him. I want to know he is still out there. I miss my friend and I don't like this silence. It is horrible. Remembering back to how close we became, quickly we got close, and then he was gone and there was no "ending" and... I still miss him. I do not do well with no closure. And when he came back last year and held me and kissed me and made love to me and then *poof* was gone again, that did nothing but tear my heart back open completely and I ache for him.
I don't know what else to say. I wish I could talk to James. I wish he could be in my life. It is surreal (and very frustrating) to me how I can speak with anyone else I know. I could reach out to pretty much anyone I've ever met in my entire life and get a response; I don't burn bridges. I'm a likeable person so I'd have to say most everyone I've met has remained a friend of some type or another, even if it is someone I haven't spoken to in a while. So it is so unreal to me to have this silence with the one person who means the most to me. It is Hellish. It really is.
I try to take things day by day but it makes me crazy. This pain and longing makes me insane inside. It is why I try to stay busy and do things and have a fun life, as much fun as I can. Because it takes my mind off this yearning. Longing hurts. I wonder how he is doing. With any of my other friends I am able to call or write or "pop by" to say hello. It feels alien to not be able to do that with this ONE single person. To text or email over and over again and not get a response, and to realize- well that's just how this "connection" is, and to hope and pray and cry and beg God to PLEASE hear from James. Please.
Focus. Try to stay on track. Deal with being alone while aching like Hell for this person I love. Realize that when my son is with his dad I get to face yet another weekend alone, and I HATE it. I've been trying to see friends or family because for over three years now I've spent my weekends away from my son alone and I am starting to detest it. For a while I was okay being home alone, hermit life, and now that time is over. I crave companionship. I want that special man in my life to talk with and be close with- and I have aloneness instead, and it hurts. I cry. I am antsy. I wish James was with me. I spend hours mindlessly flipping through recipes and tutorials on FB trying to escape the hours alone. I am going to try and make this cute little house because it looks like fun and is so totally me; I like to create and paint and be artsy.
I figure that will keep me busy for a while but really I don't have much motivation to be artistic or creative. I have to literally force it. Know why? Because it's not what I WANT. I want love in my life. I really want James. I want a romantic relationship. Companionship. Going out on a date with my friend and lover. I am in my own personal Hell right now, and I wish to God I could get out of it.
Being alone isn't easy. It is what I battle with right now. Holding on. Remembering James and knowing he is absolutely perfect for me in every way but not having him here is torture. It is so painful. I know he was put in my life on purpose, and he showed me he is my perfect match. He is everything that makes me happy. And he is gone, and it makes me feel like dying half the time. It is so hard to live like this. No matter the promotions, vacations, more money, time spent with friends and family, all my blessings- NONE of that stuff replaces the deep dark painful void inside of me from the loss of James. His absence is traumatic for me, and since there was no goodbye, no closure, no ending- and I KNOW he loves me- it just lingers out there, limbo, and I crave resolution. I BEG for truth. Honestly. Transparency. Communication. I want to talk with him like two normal human adults and have an honest open conversation about our lives and feelings. Honesty. I want honesty.
I am not a dishonest person. I will tell you it is getting harder and harder to choose to stay in this based solely on how much I love James. When so so long goes past with no contact it feels less and less real, loss of hope becomes a reality. I know we love each other; I tell God all the time that I know this man loves me! I believe his messages from last year where he said, "Yes you're right. I do love you and I always have." Yeah, I know. I know he loves me. Quite honestly if I were him I'd love me too. I'd love me. I've loved him SO fucking hard through all of this. I've battled to hold on to the image of the man I met and fell in love with. I KNOW that is him and nothing, absolutely nothing, will change that inside of me. I hate this twin soul experience. I hate having my fears thrust into my face as reality and then having to battle past them to know truth- but one thing I refuse to do is lose the memory I have of the sweet adorable man I met. Nothing can take that away from me. In my heart I remember that kind gentle person I met. I love him. I know James met me and fell hard in love me. He loved being with me and holding me and kissing me, and he looked forward to seeing me. He told me he hated being away from me, and then suddenly he was gone and none of it made sense, and it is still unreal to me. I know he loved me then and nothing has changed, not really, that would be different. And I am a sweet kind loveable person too- I know he loves me. That's why all of this feels so wrong right now.
I feel powerless on a human level, and God knows I HATE "living like soul." I am a HUMAN BEING. It is hard to be a human who is used to using human means to talk with another person yet that doesn't work in this situation, and I still don't like it. I accept it but I don't like it. I want to text James and get a response. I want him to just reach out to me and say, "Hey I've been thinking about you- wanna talk?" and then talk to him like normal and then continue to talk to him from that point on. NORMAL human interaction. I crave that with him, for it to be easy and right and normal like it was when I met him and dated him. That was great, and it is what I know. Talking back and forth. Open communication. I have never had an experience like this where suddenly the other person just stops responding, and only responds based on my energy/thoughts/intentions, etc. instead of based on what I write or speak to him on a human level. Quite frankly I still hate it even though I believe it and am forced to accept it. Doesn't mean I enjoy it. I still ache to talk with him normally like humans do. I want to hear "I love you honey." I want him to tell me again that I am beauty. He once told me, "I know beauty and YOU are beauty." I miss his sweet loving words. He is an affectionate man, and I miss his adorable nature. I want to TALK with him. I mourn the loss of him in my life. It hurts so much.
I feel like the only thing I have control over is my own actions, and believe me I am telling God repeatedly that James is the man I want in my life. I remind the universe that HEY- here I am choosing to stay alone while he is also not here in my life because HE is the only man I want. But I am lonely for James and it hurts SO much. It is frustrating to want someone this much and hear nothing. I want my twin soul, and I believe he IS this connection to me, whatever that may be. We call it twin soul but maybe it is quantum entanglement. Maybe he is my soul's best buddy and love. Maybe we were created together and he came here first, just a few hours before I did. We landed in the same spot, same hospital, hours apart. And we found each other again because we were fated to. I believe all that. None of it... surprises me anymore. But none of it really matters to me either because I miss James. All that matters to me is I wish I could hear from him and KNOW him again. I want my friend back in my life! I miss him tremendously and I wish he could be in my life again. I wish we could talk and hug and hold each other. All of that never ended. Last year he saw me for the first time in two and a half years and the first thing he did was hug me. And later held me and kissed me and made love to me. Because he loves me. I know he does. He once told me he loves me even more than I love him. He said he loves me to infinity times 1000... he said, "I love you too and I want you in my life forever." I know he meant that, and I just know it did not change.
All of it makes me hurt on the inside. I ache. I dislike the unknown and limbo, and I miss James so much. I love him. I just try to hold on best I can. I grit my teeth and try not to drink too much alcohol, and I have what fun I can in order to... want to stay here on earth while feeling so much missing and longing. I try to surround myself with the people I love while doing stuff I like to do as much as possible. Because I hurt, all the time. So there is my balance.
I want James though, and I feel that as long as I actively want him, love him and have this strong feeling that he loves me and is my "twin soul" and mirror then I have to continue like this. Focused on him (and no one else even if means dealing with being alone which is not always easy) even while it hurts. I miss him. I wish every day to be able to hear from him and talk to him like normal again. I miss my friend. I miss his sweet kisses. All I can think about is how amazing it feels to be wrapped up in his arms while he kisses me like he did. I want that. I ache for him. I love him so much, and I wish I could know him and have him in my life again.
I miss his sweet face. And his kisses. And his laughter. And his hugs. It makes me cry.
Jennifer
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