I wish we were together. I miss him so much. I miss his sweet, long, loving, kind kisses. I remember the way he would touch my face before kissing me. His smile. He would smile as he leaned into kiss me. And I could tell that he was so happy to be with me. We went from "I can't stand being away from you-when can I see you next?" to silence. I can't accept that. I know there is more there.
I just know. But that knowing doesn't help my aching heart. My heart hurts. I miss him so much. He is on my mind as I fall asleep and I'm thinking of him as I wake up. I wish I knew a way that would allow us to see each other or at least have a conversation. I miss talking with my loving friend.
There are things I wonder that I can't explain here. Not really stuff about him. More me. I still feel like if James is not in my life then I'm more comfortable being a hermit than going out much. Like last weekend I went out to a 90s party. It was... not really my thing. I'm an 80s gal. I drank Zima and despite not being anywhere near drunk I had a vicious headache all day the next day. And I didn't have much fun. I would have felt better had I stayed home, wrote and read a book or maybe watched a show. I'm reading a book called "The Host" which is pretty good. And I want to re-watch "Stranger Things" because I'm sure the next season must be coming out soon.
I wish James was here. I get so sad thinking that if he could have stayed then we would be together almost four years now. But instead it has been four years of being away from this person who I'm so in love with, who I care about deeply, and that hurts.
I wish it was different.
I'm thankful to have a decently peaceful life. Overall if you put aside the heartache I have a good life. Great job, amazingly sweet adorable funny and happy child who loves being with me, good friends and family, an income that lets me pay my bills and enjoy life, and I physically feel good. And thankfully I sleep well. I don't have worries. I just miss the man I love most. I only want him and I feel very lonely like this, without him. Without any contact. I hate not knowing him. It sucks.
Throughout this time I've always felt if I don't know things about him then it is meant to be that way. I do believe "something" more knowledgeable than me has some hand in this so I do my humanely best to listen to whatever that is. I don't snoop or dig. If I was meant to know stuff about him then he would tell me himself. I pray to one day talk to him and have a normal honest conversation but for now I have to deal with the silence and only knowing that we love each other. I have to have faith that when things are right I will one day hear from him.
All the while I love him dearly and still miss him. Missing James is the hard part. Vividly remembering... shutting my eyes and being able to feel him kiss me, knowing I had everything I ever dreamed of in my arms and in my life- that is what brings me to my knees. He was so sweet and kind. Unique. Different than most men. So respectful yet flirty and cute and funny. Friendly. And James is sooooo handsome. I desire him too. I love him but I desire him too- I miss kissing him and holding him and being intimate, making love. I miss sitting and kissing and laughing. And our long long conversations.
When you spend such a perfectly wonderful Heavenly blissful time with someone... you just KNOW truth. I know this situation doesn't "fit" the standard definition of relationship. Still though I love him and want him in my life. No matter what. I'm sad. I live a good happy life but I'm sad inside. I wish he was here with me and my son. He said he does love me and wants me in his life. And that's what I want most.
I'm lonely for him. I keep pushing myself to get out and do social stuff but really I still feel I'm more comfortable being home or out for dinner with my friends or family, me and my son do a lot together. Fishing, being outside, making bonfires, going for walks, etc. All that feels good. But when he is with his dad I don't really like "going out" to bars or parties- mainly because it kills my heart to wish and wish and wish I had my Love with me. It hurts.
I do the best I can. I love him and would love to have him in my life. Life was so much happier when he was here. Happiest time of my life was when I knew James. He brought a unique and gigantic joy to my life and my heart. I miss his sweet face. I miss his voice. His hugs. His kisses. A lot of other stuff too like how he loves to make me feel good. It is painful to know I had such an irreplaceable gift in my life and to ache to want him back. Yes I'm thankful I knew him and had a taste of his sweet love but my God I miss him with every breath I take. I wish we were together now. I wish that more than anything. To sleep next to him every night and wake to his beautiful smile would be a dream come true.
I wish... he is my every wish.
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