Every day aches. Seriously. And I don't really have a way to reach him directly so it's agony because before I felt I could at least communicate to him freely even if I didn't always get a response. I just want to tell him how much I miss him and wish he could speak to me. How I wish I could see him again or hear from him. How I want truth from him. I just want to know truth. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all. I want to tell him how much I adore him and think he is wonderful and still clearly remember the precious time we spent together, how much my sweet memories mean to me- I cherish them.
Last night I heard the song "Fix You" for the first time in a long while. The lyrics say, "The tears streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace" and I thought yeah. That. I feel like I've lost something I could never ever replace, some valuable and worth the world to me- and I've grieved the loss of him since he's been out of my life. Every day I ache. Every day I pray and hope and wish for some word from him. I don't know what to do with this feeling. I just try to deal with it but it sometimes makes me really crazy, and it makes me... resent spirit for choosing this life experience for me as a twin soul. I didn't ask for a twin soul. I never did. I did not ask for a "mirror." I asked for a sweet kind boyfriend. And I got one in James BUT I didn't ask for him to be a reflection, etc. So I get upset. Because I feel it was forced upon me against my will to have a twin soul. I just wanted a wonderful loving relationship with a man who would adore me and cherish me and love me fully and want to marry me and spend the rest of his life happy and content with me. THAT is what I asked for! Not THIS! I did not consciously ask for this, and sometimes it makes me really angry that my life ended up as a twin soul experience. I still don't totally understand it.
I met James and he seemed to be the answer to my prayers. That hurts a lot now. Because he was so wonderful and sweet and perfect that I felt like maybe... just maybe he was finally my gift after a life that included a lot of painful experiences. I thought maybe God was giving me my blessing. I started believing that for a moment and then suddenly he was gone. I still believe he is a gift to me- but I want my gift back. I want him here in my life with me.
It hurts. I hurts so bad. It is the worst feeling to miss someone you love SO much. To love a person but not have him in your arms... is horrid. Like someone is cutting into me. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.
I wish I could tell him that still he is the man I want in my life and he is irreplaceable to me, and this is why I hold on. Because anyone else would not be him so anyone else would pale in comparison. I'd always remember him if I moved on. I'd compare and find anyone else lacking. I feel like I am meant to hold on. I've always believed that somewhere out there James actually does love me and wants to be with me but that there is something I need to do or justify or... I don't know. I don't know what it is. I tell myself that maybe it is just... holding on no matter what since in the past I have thought about dating or being with someone else because I get so hopeless feeling or I want something, some distraction, away from my pain! It is the most frustrating shit! I just want to be able to reach out to him and say- do you really have any idea how much I love you? Really? I've died inside every day since you left. You are always on my mind. You have my heart. YOU are the man I want. I keep myself for you. I want you to be my husband. I want to love you and take care of you and make you happy forever. I protect your memory and hold you close to my heart. I've never wanted anything more than I want to spend the rest of eternity kissing you and holding you close to me. I want you to be my family. I want to share life with you. I want you here with us. I want to be good to you. I need you in my life. I am missing my happiness without you. My heart calls out to you- do you hear the sound?
I don't mean to be a hypocrite. I HAVE considered dating. I went on one date. I've made what I consider mistakes, things I wish I could take back. But it never had to do with a lack of love for James. It's because I wanted to feel normal, human again. I wanted to... not feel so sad, so lonely. I wanted to distract from how much my heart hurts over missing James. When in reality I've always only really wanted him. It can sometimes be hard when you want something SO much but it's not here, no matter how much you've begged and prayed and cried. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming. Sometimes it pushes you to the breaking point. Or to make rash decisions. Or to, in dark moments, seek out something to take the deepest pain away, even for a moment.
Oh my God this feeling that I can't explain, it sucks. This HUGE gigantic knot in my throat, the nearness of tears constantly, the never-ending ache in my chest- it all hurts. All of it. I do love him. I do- but being without him sucks the life out of me.
I don't know what to do but endure each day as it comes. I "get through" my days. I don't ENJOY them. I wish I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could "en-joy" my days. I love seeing my son. I have fun with him. We do fun things. I love him. But still I don't enjoy my life. Because I am really sad. All the time. I force a smile most of the time. I hide my sadness, and I am good at it. Good at hiding how I feel. I have to be since I have a regular normal life to live. A life I know I am blessed to have yet still... there is not a lot of joy inside of me because I hurt.
Knowing James brought me tons of joy. Oh yeah, I will readily admit- when he left he took my joy with him. Because knowing him, spending time with him, being close to him- gave me the most joy I've ever known in my life! I have never been that happy in my life. So content and excited and happy! He made life fun to live. He... healed my sadness. Took the sadness and loneliness away and replaced it with this perfect love! Lifted me up. Showed me my dreams. And then he was gone and I've never gotten over it. It hurts as much now, if not more, than when he left. My joy disappeared and I was left with sadness over losing my gift, losing someone I love so much. I fell in love with him and then he was gone but my feelings were still there. My love was still huge. To have the person you've fallen in love with just disappear is one of the most horrific experiences. It still kills me- because I miss him with every beat of my heart, with everything inside of me.
I try not to feel like a victim because I know the things I've done that caused much of this to happen. But what upsets me is I never MEANT it. It was unconscious, most of it. Or fear. Or I couldn't handle the ongoing silence. Or I felt hopeless. I didn't understand the signs. I was scared. It was hard to believe. It's so not "real life" as I knew it. I didn't ask to be this "energy" or whatever I am. So while I do know the things I did that got me here- it is still hard for me to take because I feel like I was created in a way that I never asked for. I feel like I was creating change in my life before I could fully grasp what I was doing- and then I fucked it all up but I never meant to.
It took a LOT for me to finally realize and fully believe that even my thoughts alone could create change in my life. That anything I say or write can and will be used against me even if it is private, even if it is only out of frustration or anger written in a journal. I hate the I can't be free to express my anger because even if I just scream into my pillow I have to be worried that my frustrating will somehow come back to bite me in the ass. I hate that. Because sometimes I want to scream! I am a good person! Really I am. I am helpful and kind, hardworking and responsible. I try to live a good HONEST life. I obviously am living a life of purity- I don't have sex. I spend much of my time either at work, with my child or alone. So I don't understand. I'm a good person. I would think I deserve to have a happy love in my life.
I just hurt. I want to hear from James. I want to talk with him. I remember him as a very kind person, caring and friendly. He always said, "friends forever, right?" But friends talk. They communicate and say hello and keep in touch- this feels so unreal and it makes me want to scream. Because it is not RIGHT. The man I met and knew and spent time with would be saying hello and asking how I am! He would. I hate the illusion. I don't believe it but I hate it. I hate the silence. I'll never appreciate it, accept it or embrace it. I deal with it because I have no other choice. But I don't like it.
Silence is SO not golden. That is total bullshit. What is golden is sharing love. Communication. Being able to talk with someone you love. Togetherness- that is golden.
I hate that I hurt. I wish I didn't hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cry. I wish this lump in my throat would disappear; I wish this weight on my heart would vanish. I wish I could laugh and easily smile. I wish I had James back in my life. I wish I could finally be shown TRUTH instead of fucking silence.
I don't like this. I had like three months of bliss and then almost four years of sorrow, missing the person I fell in love with. You won't find me being one of those people who try to put some light airy-fairy spiritual spin on this torture by saying, "Oh separation is such a beautiful experience." Um, no. I call bullshit. I LOVED knowing James. THEN I liked being a "twin soul" but funny, I didn't know I was one when I met James. Spirit didn't let me in on that little nugget of information until after he was gone. I thought we were just two normal people meeting, and that he'd stay with me like he said he wanted to. I didn't know. No matter if "they" tried to tell me or tried to guide me- I still couldn't grasp it or understand. I experienced Heaven on earth when I had James here, in my life, loving me. And I've known what my own private version of Hell feels like since he's been gone.
And it kills me inside, every day.
I just want to know my loving friend again. I want to be able to talk to him and know him, truthfully. Honestly. With transparency. Like before when we met. I want it to be back like it was when we met. When it was REAL and good and believable. When it was truth.
I'm surprised I'm sane. I hurt so bad. I wish I could hear from him. I feel hopeless and still I love him and want only him. I just wish this quiet would end and I could actually talk to this person I am so in love with, who I cherish and adore. How natural and normal is it for two people to talk, right? Something so simple... yet it would feel like hitting the lottery to just get a simple hello from him right about now. BETTER than hitting the lottery.
I'm here. I know he loves me. I am not going anywhere. I do want James so I am holding on. I hold on to... the belief that he loves me. That is all I really have. I have chosen to stay alone for almost four years based solely on hoping that this man can come back to me. THAT is how much I love him. Enough to put my faith in hope alone, and in the knowledge that I know he does love me even if he is not in my life right now. In hoping and wishing and praying that someday he will be.
Jennifer
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