It is painful for me to know that he truly is perfect for me. Because he is not here so it hurts. When I met him I was given my dream come true, literally. He was everything I had ever wished for. An angel. He was adorable in every way. Brilliant, smart, empathetic, kind, open-minded, friendly, funny, stimulating, interesting, loving, respectful, patient, generous, thoughtful... the list goes on. PERFECT. And OMG he is so beautiful. I have a photo of him I took on one of our dates. He is by The Chicago River and has the best smile- I haven't looked at that picture in a long time; I can't. I already hurt so much because I miss him. But I can recall that picture in my mind. He took me to Chicago on a great fun date. I had the best time with him. He was always easy to get along with, happy, smiley and fun. He treated me amazingly well. And that night was no exception. We went out for sushi to a restaurant called "Union" and that was a treat for me. Rarely did I go out to the city so it was extra fun to be there with James. We tried kangaroo meat! And the sushi was great except for the mackerel. It had skin on it!! I choked it down because I didn't want to be rude! Such a fun night. He held my hand the entire evening while we walked through downtown. Always smiling. So sweet. Total perfection. Angel boyfriend!!
We got along so well!! Like we looked forward to seeing each other and we always had to be touching or kissing when we were together. He was so happy to call me his girlfriend and told me he wanted to be exclusive. Wanted to be my boyfriend. He would say he was so lucky to have me as his girlfriend, and he said he is compatible with only like 1% of the female population. He said "You're my 1%"
I'm dying inside. I think maybe that is why I hurt so bad- my heart is crushed. I feel horrible because I look back and know I did all this. It is SO fucking hard to believe but I feel like had I not been scared, not focused on the wrong things, not thrown my super powered manifestation energy out there to screw it all up then we would still be together.
I kinda hate myself right now!! I should have just enjoyed James and his huge love like my guidance urged me to. When he was with me I was fine. My fears only got to me when we were apart. When I was left to my own uncontrollable thoughts. But when he was with me it was different, amazing. He would come visit me at my home and we would sit and kiss all night. So so sweet. I loved kissing James. Our kisses are sweet. Hours and hours of making out like teens, and he only kissed me. He was happy to kiss me! It was so healing and refreshing and beautiful to be with a loving man who was fine with "just kissing" night after night!! Who wanted to see me. Who went out of his way to spend time with me when he knew we would be sitting on my couch hugging and kissing. And smiling. And he made me laugh. He would look into my eyes and I'd giggle. His eyes are so blue and beautiful. It was hard to look at him for long since he is so attractive; I'd have to look away to catch my breath.
When apart he was always contacting me. Never once did he make me worry with a slow response. He called all the time!! He said good morning each morning and I love you every night before bed. We literally talked for hours most nights when we were not together. He loved knowing me.
And nothing ever happened to change that. The love and connection remained while he... disappeared. Completely unexpectedly.
I'm besides myself. I feel like dying would be easier than living with this deep longing and ache. Missing him is painful. It's horrible. My memories are bittersweet. Remembering the first time we made love, how sweet he was in waiting for me to be fully ready. He waited until I asked him. We would kiss and kiss and kiss and I'd think "Should I ask him?" but it felt so good kissing him that I didn't know how to ask him. Loving him, being loved by him, made me feel shy- more like I truly am. Until finally it was like... okay this has got to happen! Everything felt comfortable with James. He made all experiences we shared together beautiful and perfect. Good. Like making love. It was real genuine lovemaking. Enthusiastic, sweet, hot, passionate, loving, kissy and perfect. He always made sure to be loving and affectionate, and he made a point of being considerate of my feelings always. He said "I love you" about 500 times while we dated. He said he finally found the perfect woman for him, the one he wanted to marry and have a child with...
All my dreams come true- in my adorable Geologist Atheist wonderful loving boyfriend.
A gift. Seriously. No rose-colored glasses. It was perfect with him. He said we would get married and have sushi on the beach and we would make love every night forever. As long as we could! He always wanted to pleasure me... he was generous in every way. He adored me and my body and he called me beautiful. Like it was my name.
And "honey." He called me honey and I miss that term of endearment from him tons. I would love to hear James call me honey again.
James was also kind to my son and that means the world to me. It is one reason why I hold his memory close to my heart- he was sweet to my child. He took us out one day to a play land for mini golf and to feed the baby alligators. His idea. He invited us. Sweetest gesture EVER. He showed my son how to mini golf. It was adorable and really one of the happiest moments of my life. It is all I want- a life like that with James, us together like that day.
Do you see?? Do you see why I so strongly believe in the "twin soul" concept? I believe in it because the twin soul who goes quiet is said to be a mirror- and as unbelievable as that seems... it is the only explanation that suits me experience. Because I KNOW the endearing man I met and fell in love with! I remember his super awesome generosity and goodness! How much he loves me and protected me. I can only explain what happened, his leaving and disappearing, as him being that mirrored reflection of my own energy and intentions.
I believe that James does love me. A lot. But I have no idea how or when I'll hear from my loving sweet friend again. And that limbo feeling hurts. Because I love him NOW and I miss him NOW and I long for his touch and kiss and sweet embrace now. Right now. I miss everything about him.
He was here last year and we made love. He is the only man I've made love with since we dated. Since I fell so deeply in love with him. It is torturous to feel this pull, this need, this strong love and desire for him yet I ache to talk with him... I'm dying to talk with James or see him or kiss him. I want him in my life.
I'm a disaster right now. I feel like YES I clearly see everything I did that kept him from me. And I HATE it. I wish I could do it over. I wish I could go back to the times when he was able to reach out to me and do my best to keep him close. To be back together with James again. I wish we had never parted and were instead married with a family right now. That dream makes me weep. I want a future with him so much.
I wish I could go back and undo choices I made that reflected back to me in ways that gutted me. But I can't. I can only say that I'm here. I'm holding on. I adore James. I dream of him holding me for a very long time. Or pillow talk curled up in his arms.
One night after months of silence and "stuff" we ended up emailing back and forth. Before I went to bed he wrote, "I wish you were here with me cuddled in my arms."
THAT is my James. That is my love. His sweet gentle heart. I've missed him since the day he walked out my door. I want nothing more than to be able to cuddle up in his arms every night.
My heart. I ache for my love. I wish he could be a part of my life again. I miss my dear sweet loving friend. I love him with all my heart. For good reason.
xxoo
Jennifer
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