You know what is so super frustrating about all of this? I just want to have a normal open real honest conversation with James. I hate that it was all nonsense for so long and now I want to speak freely with him, and honestly. I wish we could talk about all of this. Or at least talk. I don't care if we discuss the last four years of weirdness or not. It doesn't matter to me as long as I could talk with him again and he sounds like the man I met, dated and fell in love with.
It is so frustrating to know... what truth is as it pertains to James but to not see it reflected in my life. I KNOW him. I know the man I met and spent time with, and he is a good, kind, open and talkative person! Friendly. Funny. And all I want to do is be able to talk with him or hear from him where he sounds like his normal kind friendly caring self!
There is a huge difference you know, between truth and the "reflection" when you are feeling fear, doubt and all of that. I knew immediately the difference, and I never did believe in it. He was far too kind and sweet when we met. I remember the man I spent time with. I know who he is.
This makes me fucking crazy. It hurts so so so much. All I want to do is know the real him again, speak with him, be honest with each other. I'll never believed the "nonsense." I am strong enough to realize it is bullshit. I know he is a loving kind person. The person I met and hugged and kissed and laughed with. The man I discussed having a future with; the man I still wish was in my life.
I wish we were married. I want to be his wife. I miss him so much that it is killing me inside.
I seriously ache for the James I met and dated and freely openly honestly loved. This is fucking me up inside. It is very hard to believe in an all-loving "God" when I hurt this bad and beg and plead and cry to this God for something to PLEASE change but then... I hear nothing.
I read all these things that say when in separation we need to focus on what makes us happy, a hobby, doing what we love, focusing on what brings us happiness. Well guess what?! For me that is James. Being with James. Spending time with James. Hugging and kissing James. Making love with James. THAT is what brings me happiness. Hobbies no longer cut it for me. I could care less about any of my past hobbies right now. Thankfully my work keeps me very busy and I HAVE to do it- there is no choice in the matter. My hobbies, no way. What I WANT is to have love in my life. My husband. My companion. That's what I care about. Nothing else fulfills me. I miss him and NOTHING takes away the pain, the ache, the longing.
Doing what I love, ha. I loved doing James. He was here last year and made love to me and we spent time together and I saw his face and spoke with him like NORMAL and THAT is what I love. THAT made me happy. For a moment. I want a life filled with loving him and being near him and having fun with him and making love with him and laughing with him and sharing life with him. That is what would make me happy. Companionship. I feel so fucking alone and sad and miserable and I miss him so so so much.
Nothing helps ease this feeling. Nothing. Only when I hear from him do I feel any better.
Funny I read something the other day from a twin flame site. This woman said she had more pride than to jump when her twin reached out to her, like after he'd been quiet for a long time and hadn't responded to her over and over. She felt she was pathetic in hoping and waiting to hear something from him so she told herself to have more pride, and then if he contacted her she'd make him wait on her. And I have to laugh because that is so not me. I would give anything to hear from James. Do anything to be able to talk to my Love again. I don't see it from her perspective at all. I'd throw a fucking party if I got a simple normal hello from him. "How are you? I've been thinking of you." There is no use for "pride" in this. Only love. I love him and I'd be over the moon to hear from him. I pray for contact every day.
So no, I am no good on "releasing expectation" or "letting go." And that is because I KNOW he loves me. I know nothing changed between us. I remember him telling me so adamantly on the phone months into this "shift" things like, "Nothing has changed. I still feel exactly the same way," yet I couldn't understand... if that was true then why didn't I hear from him? It fucked with my head. I couldn't shake the fear, the feeling of being dismissed. But I look back and I know he loved me. The whole time, and I believe he still loves me still. I just wish he could be in my life now. I wish I knew him again. I ACHE to have his physical presence in my life.
I miss my friend! I love and miss my friend so much.
Jennifer
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