Maybe I should be more positive. I'm trying. I remind myself to count my blessings and be grateful for what I have even when I'm hurting. I was really tired tonight and went to sleep at 9pm but then woke at midnight which sucks. That normally happens if I've been drinking alcohol which was not the case tonight. I've been working at avoiding drinking (especially at home) so I'm not sure why I'm up. I wish I was sleeping because when I wake in the middle of the night loads of worries flood my mind. And I just lay here thinking about James.
I think about how perfect we are for each other. I am hit with all of these thoughts about our perfect love and how happy we were and I want to scream. Because it doesn't match with these last years. Maybe no one else can understand this but it feels so frustrating to KNOW something so strongly even if it's not here right now. We never had an ending; there was no real reason to. Love doesn't just end due to time or distance. Those things didn't change is. We had no falling out. Feelings didn't change. So it feels unreal. I can't accept it because it's not normal or right.
I've said this multiple times on my blog: when I hear from James and he feels like the man I met then I will be able to accept whatever he tells me. That means he will feel kind, gentle, friendly, caring, warm and loving. When I met him he was the epitome of all those things. It is why I fell in love with him. Because he is perfectly gentle and kind. Funny, passionate but also very caring.
A while back I was writing in my journal and I said James was very careful with me, in more than one way. He was "full of care" in that he treated me well, like he cared for me. When you love someone you want to make her feel good so you make caring gestures like bringing her son Pop Rocks or taking her out for dinner or being super attentive- taking care of her emotional needs, and he did. But he was also careful with my feelings and heart. He was always making sure I was okay, felt comfortable with whatever he was doing or saying, was patient with me and verbaluzed it so any worries could be alleviated and he was overall... just very caring. After I wrote this down, that he was careful in different ways, my son stopped playing with his trains and said, clear out of the blue, "Mom the word careful can mean two different things." He went on to tell me it can mean "being careful" or also being nice to someone.
I still wonder why my son sometimes "repeats" things I've privately written in my journal. He has also done this after I've sent a text that he knows nothing about. I don't have a solid answer to this, only speculation. I clearly know it happens and it's "not of this world." I realize he only repeats loving things I've written or loving things I've focused on. The only conclusion I can come to is he is showing me what is right to focus on by reiterating it back to me. I think! Otherwise I don't know why it would be emphasized through him. And the last time it happened was when I wrote that James was careful with me, giving me care and attention while also protecting my feelings.
Protecting my feelings doesn't equate with falling off the face of the earth. That is my point. I KNOW the sweet kind man I dated and he doesn't match with the ongoing silence. It makes no sense. I still firmly believe the quiet is for a different reason than personal intent. I'll always hold his truth close to my heart. I am never sad because I feel unloved. No. I believe James has always loved me and still does. I'm sad because he is not in my life. I'm sad because I ache to hold him and miss him and know him again. I miss his gorgeous face, sweet smile, wonderful voice and perfect kisses. I long to talk with him like we used to talk, totally open. Hours and hours we would talk. He would ask me not to hang up yet, just a little bit longer. We were always in contact, loved being together and when apart we were emailing or on the phone or texting. He said good morning and good night literally every day after we started talking, a bright ball of goodness. God life was so much more beautiful with him in it.
I'm sad because I miss James' loving presence in my life. Knowing he loves me is all fine and dandy. It takes the fear away. But I'm left with this hopeless feeling of... when can I hear from him again? Believe me I'd bet my life on the fact that some of my intentions and actions have worked to keep him away, and all I can hope is I can change things for the better. I want to. But I need the opportunity to do so. I am Asking the universe for another chance. But while I wait for that chance... I ache. I miss him. I'm worried because I have no idea when I might see his face again and every day without him in my life hurts. A lot. I'm so worn out by the end of the day because my emotions wipe me out. I read something today that said "Being the best mom I can while my heart is breaking has been the hardest role of my life." I know how that feels. My heart aches; I don't think it is broken but my heart always hurts and it is a challenge to balance my life's responsibilities with my feelings of longing to know this man again, knowing this situation is so not normal or... real, loving James so much and knowing he loves me too. I feel like we should be together. That would make sense. That would match with the relationship we had, the one that never had a reason to end.
So I wake at midnight unable to fall back to sleep with all these thoughts and memories in my mind when all I really want is to hear from James. I'm tired of wanting. Wishing. Hoping. I'm so ready to actually hear from him, have some truth.
I was talking with my roommate today and I said I feel like hermit mode again. Being social or going out (like to an adult party with friends where I have to get fixed up and go out and not drink too much but stay out too late, etc.) is too much right now. She is part of the dating world and I said I can't imagine it. I have no desire to "get to know" any of those yahoos out there. I've been irritated here and there by guys who contact me. First of all I have no desire to chit chat with any man besides James. I met a guy at Christmas who was at my sister's party, a friend of hers. He then added me on Facebook and messaged me. I've told him like three times that no I won't be coming over for dinner. I've let him know I have no intentions on being flirty; I've blatantly told him that I'm in love with someone. He irritates me partially because he is not James and partially because sometimes he can be annoying. It actually hurts when he messages me. I want it to be James. This is mean but I have no desire to keep in contact with this man. Yet I didn't want to be rude since he's friends with my sister. Yesterday he sent me something I didn't like and I finally told him to leave me alone. He is like... a reflection of why I miss James so much. Because James was... ugh so fun to talk to. Respectful and funny. Friendly but polite. Everything I want... and plenty of what is lacking in much of the dating pool.
I want my perfection. I don't want to talk with anyone else. Don't want to be friends with any guys- I have no need for it. I have enough friends right now. I miss James. It hurts being like this, knowing nothing about him, not hearing from him, aching and longing for him but that pain is something I have to deal with. I really have nothing to distract me from my emotions, the love, ache, desire and missing him. If I don't have James then I'd rather be alone with just myself and my friends and family, thankfully I have my son.
When I think that it's been four years it kinda makes me wanna throw myself under a truck. Four years. I can't even. It is so sad to me. Tragic. It should have been four years of love and togetherness. Sharing life together. That is what I want in my heart so I'm sad that due to him being this mirroring connection it wasn't able to be that way. I know we love each other. When it starts to feel like... Hell realizing I'm not getting any younger and I've spent four years alone without my companion and I'm not getting any younger I have one thing that consoles me- I've spent a lot of quality time with my child. That is the only thing that gets me through, and my child is the only reason why I haven't killed myself at my lowest moments. Still I wish James was here with us as a family instead of me and PJ by ourselves. I wish he was here with us. Together. I long for "together." The quiet separation is literally Hell on earth- I despise it. I'll never appreciate it. Never accept it. It is abnormal and not his intention, that I would get my life on. And other people with the same connection to another human being are experiencing the same unearthly quiet. I don't know why it has to be like this and I don't like it but I love James. I wish I could talk with him again. I wish this fucking silence would break. I love him so much and this all hurts.
So no I can't be "positive." I can be loving and say honestly that I adore James and probably always will. I had someone tell me he is my guardian angel and that title suits him. When we dated I told him he was my Atheist angel. Because he was perfect. God knows I had no clue what he really was to me nor did I have any idea what was going to happen. God also knows I still have some resentment towards the divine (or whatever it is) for choosing this path for me. I humanly did not ask for a twin soul mirror. That was given to me against my human will and I'm forced to deal with it because I love this man but I'm still not accepting of the fact that I did not ask for this on a human level. I really am not. Hence why I say I'm not "positive" even though I truly love James. I love James. He is easy to love. Whatever else is out there: God, the universe, higher self- I WISH I could "love" it but I don't. I'm thankful for my blessings. Grateful for the good things I have in life. But I can't find it inside myself to love "whatever" how I love my son or James. What I'm trying to do is listen; I hope despite my inability to have warm loving feelings towards "the divine" that I'm still guided because I am trying to listen. I just don't like that this twin soul experience was forced on me. I love James and am glad I met him but he could have been a different connection, one that was able to stay. Whatever the reason for it (accelerated "healing" or him showing me how to let go of my fears and focus on love, being shown I have to be a conscious manifestor) whatever it is honestly for- it could have been done differently, preferably with him by my side, in my life. That is not the case though and I try to deal with it but it leaves no loving feelings from me towards God. I can't help it. I've tried. All I can do is tell God I'm sorry for how I feel. I'm trying to be respectful in my energy. I'm trying to listen and I fight this feeling of being toyed with. Because when you want something really badly and you focus on it and pray over it and talk to "God" and ask for what you want and cry "He is who I want in my life. I love him and miss him so much" but then you are immediately contacted by someone else, someone NOT James- it makes me want to punch God in the throat.
Not very positive I know.
I'm seeking neutrality right now while telling myself there must be some good reason for it because supposedly the divine loves us and God doesn't hurt us. Hard to see it from a higher perspective when all I want is James (or at least honest truth from him directly) and instead I get someone else reaching out to me or showing interest in me- that hurts so much. I just hope God knows how much that hurts me. I'm exhausted with this experience. I wish it could be done and James back in my life. He is all I want. He really is. I have everything else I really need in life but I'm missing this huge part of my life, my personal happiness. Forget lecturing me about making my own happiness. I met James and finally found my dream come true, the love of my life. He added so much happiness to my life and since he's been gone it has felt like my own personal Hell, happiness disappeared. Missing him all the time with really nothing besides having hope and love for him is pretty killer, and honestly I don't have a lot of hope. I'm just holding on because I love James and only want him.
Not happy though. Can't force it. I am getting so fucking frustrated. I wish I had more clarity. I wish I could hear from James. He is who I want. He is, only him. I'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't him. I can't stand the thought. He is so perfectly wonderful and irreplaceable and it all makes me so sad. So positive I am not. I'm just trying to get through this as well.as I can without hating God for making me be a twin soul. I feel like I'm enduring life instead of enjoying it because no matter what I do I'm still hurting inside and that ache colors everything especially when it gets stronger.
I love James though. That has been one constant. Whether he is in my life or not, no matter what I love him.
Jennifer
Oh - I feel the same. my TF is married..and we have been working on and off together- growing, deeper and deeper in love for over 2 years. he is changing his life for him.. because he isn't happy but of course with family interjecting their negative thoughts, it has him massively confused for so long. we are close to union though. we took time off, i dated other men but it was never the same. no one compares. we have both even struggled with the likes of starting this relationship as an "affair" and in the beginning, we agreed to not pursue... but something kept drawing us together and we couldnt stay away. now everyone can judge us, and call me a homewrecker or what not but it wasn't until i met him that i even started to research WHAT THIS WAS. it was because of him i started to research spirituality, Law of attraction, twin flames, etc. learning that him and I are twins and we were destined to meet helps us both cope with the guilt of all of this. i know it doesnt sound right and no one can ever really understand the power and depth of the love unless, like you, they have experienced what this divine connection is all about. im trying to keep positive.. we have had our ups and downs - but im over all of that and am trying to figure out exactly WHAT needs to be worked on within.. and i think so much has come to the surface over the past 2 years and im starting to see what he has done for me by being my mirror. sometimes it's hard to interpret but reading your blog helps me so thank you.. . i know one day James will come back to you.. it's in the stars xoxo <3
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best. Thank you. I do hope I see him soon. I miss him a lot.
DeleteHey Jennifer, I came across your blog and the first post I saw had the name Joron in it. Then I wanted to read a recent post of yours and you mention the name James now. I backtracked soooo far because I needed to know, and I'm thinking now that they are the same person? I would appreciate an answer, sorry for being so upfront about it. I'm in my own journey now and seeing two different names scared the shit outta me lol. Thank you for your time. I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.
ReplyDeleteHa, yes. It is the same person. His name is really James. I wanted to use a fake name to begin but it was too difficult to keep up with. It has been almost four years but he is still the only man I want in my life.
DeleteAh, thank you for clarifying. I thought so. I feel you, I'm still new to this, my twin and I connected only 6 months ago. I have had the BEST and some of the worse times of my life these last 6 months. My twin and I work together and, most people would say that I'm lucky, but let me say that the grass is always greener on the other side. I have wanted to move away so many times, change jobs, everything, because sometimes this journey can get real tough. I'm starting to let go a bit now, and feeling okay about it. With perfect timing too, because she just told me last night that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, that there is no future with her, and she has also said that she no longer wants to be even friends. She has cut herself off completely from me, will not look me in the eyes at work, and when she's forced to talk to me, you can hear all the resentment, fear, and irratibilaty in her voice. If this happened two weeks ago, I honestly might have really hurt myself. But, something shifted in me and I'm okay with it. I feel like I know deep down that this separation is needed, for both of us. I still have doubts about all of this, but I also have my faith that everything will work out, that I am a true twin flame and that she is my twin, and that we are meant to be together in the 3D, in this lifetime. I love her so much, there is no one else I ever want to be with in this lifetime. She is the only one for me.
DeleteI recommend a new YouTube channel that I actually just found yesterday, talk about timing! I'm subscribed to so many channels but this one just seems to "fit" me right now. Maybe it'll help you or your readers. It's called Upbeat Buddha.
Again, wishing you the best on your journey.
Thank you and I wish you the best too. One bit of advice though. If she is your twin then she is only reflecting you. She is showing you loud and clear the things you fear about her. If you read more of my blog (especially the first 2 and a half years) I explain this a lot. It took like 3 years for me to get past. Any bad hurtful behaviour she gives you is an act. Fake. Don't believe it. I feel for you since yours is done face to face. Mine was always email; I believe spirit knows I would have killed myself had I experienced it first-hand. When it happens you have to kind of ignore it and let it go immediately. Do not react to it, even privately. Don't tell anyone. You have to act like it never happened because if you focus on it or believe it then you reaffirm the energy and she has to continue to be that way to reflect what you are believing. Does that make sense? Get a notebook and start writing ONLY good things about her. Any good memories you have, focus on those. List her loving kind qualities. Tell spirit and yourself (and her on paper even if you never give it to her) that you know she cares about you. You need to do these things so she can show you something different, better.
ReplyDeleteOh. And if you truly believe she is your twin and you love her so much then yes, don't think of dating anyone else. I'm one who firmly believes that unless you want her to get someone else you need to just focus on your union with her. I really don't feel.a long separation is needed. Shift your energy around and it could change swiftly. If you don't do this then, well, hello. Been 4 years for me but I made choices along the way that I wish I hadn't because I feel he would have been with me some time ago had I made different choices. Best to you!