I remember a time when the quiet first began where six weeks of silence felt like an eternity. I've never felt like I couldn't reach out to him so I would try here and there. I still do although it is different now because I don't have email for him any longer and I wish I did but I kind of messed that one up myself, and it wasn't because I contacted him too much or anything like that. At this point I try to work on my thoughts and energy and intention in the hope that one day it will shift and I can hear from him again. It pretty much is all I have.
It's been almost a year now since I've heard from him. The silence is deafening. I'd pay to hear from him! I've never been able to accept the silence gracefully. It makes me crazy. But yesterday I read something about twin flames that really caught my attention. It was on a forum so a woman was responding to someone else. She said "You don't realize that he has been trying to come back to you. He tries to get closer but it doesn't work and then he disappears." And I believe that is what happened with me and James over and over again- he tried to come closer. So many times he tried to come back but my energy and thoughts and fear kept him away. And man does it hurt to know that.
Despite the chaos we went through I still miss his messages that say "I'm coming home soon and want to see you." It let me know he was still there. That hasn't happened in a while although I wish it would.
I know some people who read my blog must think this is all him. But it's not and only those who are really in a mirror connection like I am can understand. I know what I've done to creates changes I don't like. It doesnt make me happy to know it but I definitely can see it. There has been a pattern all along.
So I ask myself now- why the ongoing silence? I think about James all the time. I remember him as the sweet man I met and dated. I remember our first emails back and forth and our first hours-long phone calls and how crazy I was over him even before meeting him. None of that equates with what came later. Only the sweet man I dated feels real to me. He was actually here, in my life. Not just words on a screen.
Ugh. I know this hasn't been easy on him either. Do I wonder how this feels to him? Of course I do. I've always been curious how this feels to him. I'm going to assume it doesn't feel good. I know we didn't know each other long but even he said it felt like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks. It felt longer, like I'd known him forever. We grew deeply attached quickly and I'm far from over him. My heart hurts.
Right now all I can do is be really careful with my energy and intention. I have to live on hope alone. I love James and hope that I can hear from him again.
From past experience I feel I'm meant to avoid other male contact. I know this sounds strange or over the top but I'm even avoiding certain situations like I don't want to go to a bar. Unless it's with James. Otherwise no, not like this. So karaoke is out for now. I just don't feel good in the energy of alcohol and a bunch of single people. Seems better for me to skip those things for now. I'm just trying to be careful. And I'm tired. Emotionally I'm tired.
Weird stuff still happens to me and I can only imagine why. It is like I'm being tested or poked or prodded somehow and I don't always like it and I don't understand because I want James. I want no other male energy in my life. I do not need guy friends, don't want any. The one guy who occasionally IMs me got so irritating that I (respectfully) told him I don't appreciate his perverted humor and I asked him to leave me alone. I never asked to know him in the first place. I don't want to know any man unless it is James. But it is still frustrating to cry for James and write in my journal and tell the universe I really do love him so much... but then get others instead of him.
That hurts.
Yesterday was kind of lonely. I took a bath and read. I met a friend in the morning for breakfast and to catch up. Then went to work for a while in the afternoon. I just feel blah. I have no passion for anything besides my child. I'm sad. I'm very very sad. My heart aches. There is a huge void in my life. I want to share life with James. I miss my friend. Nothing else fills that void. I'm discontent. Antsy. Depressed. I'm blue. I wish my free time was spent with him having fun and loving each other. I wish we had a family together. I wish he was here like we said when we met. That we would get married and have a family. I k ow that is what he wanted. So it breaks my heart that it's like this now. Four years and silence. It makes me sick, heartsick because I love him and miss him so much. I wish we could sit and talk and kiss each other like we used to. Sometimes the ache I have for him is so deep and intense that it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. With no contact on top of that it is Hell. To want to talk with him but not be able to just reach out and say hi and get a reply is still hard. Because I want to talk with him. I want to see his face. I want to hear his voice. I want him to hug me again. I want him. Only him. And it hurts.
I wish he could be here now. I wish he could be a part of my life again like he once was. I'd do anything to have that back! Phone calls and visits and doing fun stuff together. It was normal and right!! He enjoyed coming to see me. He was sweet and made time for me. He wanted to! He text me good morning every morning and good night every night. Best boyfriend ever. He was generous and thoughtful and brought me gifts. Sweetest guy ever. And very patient. Gentle. Respectful. I miss him so so much. It hurts. A lot. I miss his sweet long wonderful kisses. I'd do pretty much anything to kiss him again. I miss his beautiful face!!
I wish I could hear from him again.
Jennifer
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