Oh yes it's been a "fun" weekend of picnics and fireworks and shopping for fireworks. PJ loves The 4th of July!! But inside no matter how much fun we are having I'm still crying silently because I miss James. And it kills my heart. It hurts so much.
And I swear weird shit happens to me. These things cannot be coincidence. I'm not going to go into detail but it's so fucking hard to not feel like I'm taunted, poked, pushed and prodded by spirit. And it is hard to not want to punch an angel when it happens. Because I don't understand it yet I know something is happening but it often just feels like I'm being toyed with and it's hard to see that from a higher perspective when I'm hurting and aching and begging God to let me hear from James.
I am weary. I am. I'm tired. I don't mean that shitty like "I'm tired of this!" No. I literally feel emotionally exhausted and worn out. In my heart. It hurts so bad to miss James because I still love him so much. I long to kiss him again. I wish we were together. Or at least in contact with each other. But it seems I can shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster. I've wished on every star and penny over the last four years; my son even wishes for me. He says "Dear God please let James come back." It is bittersweet.
And I'm at this harsh point where if I'm not hearing from James then I want no other male contact with "guys." It pushes my limits big time and I've decided from now on if/when someone reaches out to me I'll probably ignore it. Entirely. I KILLS ME to beg God for James, to write and pray and cry but then hear from someone who is not James. I'm serious it's hard not to feel ragey when that happens. I'm trying to believe it holds some higher purpose beyond hurting me. Because it does hurt. A lot. If I don't want to engage a man in conversation of any kind then I don't have to. It upsets me. I want to talk to James. James is who I want in my life, who I want to hear from. He is who I care about. Only him. I only want to talk with James or laugh with him or have him send me funny links or memes or pictures or jokes. Only James, my James!! And God knows this, clearly. I've loved James since I met him. I ache to hear his sweet voice and see his beautiful face or have HIM call me honey again. James. I want to hear it from him and him only.
Oh you have no idea how my sanity, patience and temper is being tested. I am only interested in knowing James. I wish we could go out; I wish I could be pretty for him, my love. We should be together. It is sad that we aren't. He told me after he met me that he had finally found the woman to be his wife. That he had wished for me and I came to him. Sweetest man ever. All I want. It breaks my heart being away from him. I only tolerate this because I have to be alive. Honestly if I didn't have a child I'm not sure I would choose to stay on earth. It hurts and feels hopeless and there are days when it feels like I don't want this life experience anymore of having a twin soul mirror with the shitty painful gut-wrenching silence. But I'm a mom. So I'm here.
And it fucking hurts being without him.
Jennifer
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