Love...

James is a Sox fan, lol.  I was raised a Cubs fan but I have nothing against the Sox.  I've been to plenty of their games too.  But this was a really great series with The Cubs this year.  I wish life could be one big Cubs win :)

I wrote a post earlier about God and deleted it.  I am seriously confused when it comes to "What is God" these days.  It is so mind-boggling to me that I am choosing to gloss over it for the time being.  I have enough in my head without pondering God.  I know something is out there that has tried to point me in the direction of moving towards what would bring me the most happiness.  I've always felt protected somehow too, like when it comes to major life "stuff" {home, work, money, my own good health, healthy family, good friends, etc.} things seem to work out well for me.  I'm blessed.  And I am not sure if that is because I don't worry about those things so they run smoothly or if there is something out there that helps those things happen for me.  I'd like to think there is something out there that helps me!  It makes me feel a lot more supported in my journey. 

At the same time when it comes to love, like a partnership with an adult man in my life, things have not run so smoothly.  It is the one area of my life that has been rocky.  I'd love for that to change.  I felt real true love with James.  I felt what love was meant to be like with him.  He showed me the love I'd always dreamed of.  The love I wrote of in my journals when I was a teen-ager.  The love I craved from my husband.  The love I always hoped I'd find and share with a good man- I found that love with James.  In him.  So yes I miss him very much.  I cannot help but miss him.

I am not sure what this "journey" is supposed to teach me.  Enlightenment?  Basically what I can see is I have to watch what I create through manifestation.  I don't know why I am such a strong manifestor.  Not "expert" manifestor for sure because I ain't got this shit down yet, not by a long shot.  I am constantly reminding myself to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH so I don't say something that I am going to regret later.  Or write it down, or express it in a text conversation with someone.  My roommate feels that I should be able to "get off my chest" the things that worry me by talking them out.  And it is so tempting to express a nagging errant thought or worry to her but I really shouldn't because too often then I see more of what I am worried about come into my existence.  Dudes- it's a challenge.

I've told myself when it comes to this election and the results I am going to be an example of "Light" by not getting sucked into the bullshit.  And I am far from perfect.  It's probably pretty obvious that I did not vote for Donald Trump but I also refuse to be hateful now that he has won.  I remember when I saw James last he said maybe America needed to elect Trump so we can see ourselves more clearly {it was something like that- I was pretty much in shock and don't remember everything that was said.}  Maybe he was right.  Maybe in the end it will result in a societal change or something.  I don't know.  I am not that big into politics yet I am a fighter for certain human rights like the right for gay marriage and reproductive rights.  I also understand that protecting the environment is important and well, yeah.  Still I don't really want to focus on the negative since I know I have this strong creation energy in me.  I am staying quiet on social media because it is a hotbed of crazy right now.  I do have a Facebook page but it's more to share stuff about my son because he's another one of my gifts.  But lately I've backed off most conversation about what is happening in the country since most of it is sadly negative and I don't want to go there.  I say this because when I read about twin souls it says we are here to be "A light for the world."  So I am trying to do my part by staying positive and loving and accepting of all opinions.

That said, in my personal life all I can think about is James.  He is what I want in my life more than anything.  I miss him.  I miss him so very much.  I have been quiet on this blog because what else can I say?  I wish he was here.  I miss him.  I cry for him.  My heart aches and I wish with all of my might that I could do what it takes to shift this.  I wish I could avoid any and all doubts or worries or stupid thinking.  I wish I could "open" things so he could reach out to me.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.  I just do my best to put a smile on my face and get this life thing done as well as I can.  But it does affect me.  I wish he was here sharing life with me, being an encouraging supporting character in my life but actually here with me, not just energetically.  I miss holding his hand and seeing his bright shining smiling beautiful face.  *sigh*  He has such a beautiful face.  I am still very much in love with him.  Impossible for me to not be in love with him.

The drinking has been much easier to avoid.  I drink some wine or beer sometimes but I'm really trying to avoid drinking hard liquor and I will admit the main reason is because it makes me feel like dog shit.  I did not stop because I am afraid that I am doing something "bad" or wrong.  Probably if it did not affect me physically as bad as it does I'd still be drinking.  How's that for honesty?  But ugh it gives me heartburn and hangovers and headaches and it's just really fucking stupid- right?  I mean yeah you can admit it, dumb.  So I've been doing well staying away from the ole' bottle.  It's not good for me.  I'm still working on other things but drinking is really a negative for me so I am really not going there.

I cry a lot.  The emotions get overwhelming.  Tidal waves.  Sometimes more than others.  It depends on my mood, my hormones and the music playing on the radio... and what I remember at that moment.  It is so sweet to remember sitting on my couch being all wrapped up in each other kissing for hours or walking hand in hand through my neighborhood or him hopping into my bed naked and sweet wanting to make love to me, wanting to make me feel good, showing me without words how lovely he thinks I am- those things are sweet to remember but they made me ache to the bone and then I cry.  I wish he was here.  I wish I no longer needed to reach back for the precious memories but could instead create more new loving memories with him.  *sigh*  I love James and miss him a lot.

I know that most people can't understand where I am coming from but I can't stop how I feel.  He is on my mind and in my heart pretty much every moment I am awake whether I want it or not.  Sometimes I try to distract and I swear to "God" that it's put back in front of me again and I am not sure why but... he is always there.  I miss his bright blue eyes.  I miss how when I saw him last he leaned back on my couch and pulled me into his arms and hugged me for a moment when it had been ages and ages since I'd felt his touch.  It always feels so right being in his arms, like the perfect fit.  And I miss his warm embrace.  I miss his sweet kisses.  I miss his gentle sexy voice.  I miss being naked with him!  I miss his tender touch and his loving passion, and this is how I feel ALL THE TIME.  Yet I am a strong independent woman who really is sane- so I don't always understand it.  I loved others before him and eventually the longing for them left me.  Yet with James it remains.  I really want him back with me.  It is my biggest dream and wish.  I may not know exactly who or what God is but I am still going to pray to this "God" like I always have because honestly I don't know what else to do.  I pray to God and silently talk to James and hope that something out there feels me and knows my genuine good loving intentions.  I've said this before- I love James no matter what.  I think that is pretty obvious, right?  It is an unconditional love.  I don't love him "If only."  But that does not mean that I don't ache for him and wish with everything in me that he could be with me, us sharing life together next to each other.  I want to wake to his smiling face every morning and make love with him every night, forever.

Maybe I will start writing that again here for a while.  I feel blocked when I don't write here yet all I really have to say is I miss him.  I have all these wonderful memories of us together and all his goodness- I just really wish those memories could come into my existence again as new experiences with him.

Best. Love. Ever.  Knowing him like I did all close and loving and genuine and honest and GOOD was the best time of my life.

Jennifer  

Feeling

This song is sweet.  And Scully & Mulder help pull me through when I don't think I can go any further.

I've written blog posts in my head but have not posted here much.  Nothing feels right and I've also been a wussy because sometimes when I write here people like to ride me later about how strongly I feel or believe, or tell me I believe wrong, or that I should do this or that of the other, etc. and while I love talking to people and I am open to other opinions- my own deeply held personal beliefs are not up for debate.

This whole "manifestor" thing.  I see things happen in my life and I THINK I know why they happen, I cause them to happen, but since I don't know 100% for sure I then get confused, scared and discouraged.  And then I have to try and pick myself up and brush myself off and tell myself, "I am not giving up."  I have a feeling my focus still has created stuff I don't like.  I can only speculate based on cause and effect.

I miss James.  All I want is to get closer to him.  To hear from him and talk to him easily and freely like I did before.  We are two human beings, and we are friends.  We never stopped being friends.  I know he cares about me and my well-being.  We should be speaking to each other.  I wish I could talk with him about this election.  I totally jones to hear his take on the state of our country.  I ache to have a real discussion with him.  I want to know how he feels.  I wish he could be truthful with me, honest.  I know he is a good man who thinks well of me, loves me, and would like to talk to me again.  I miss James so much.  I've said that a million times I know but most people cannot understand what I mean, how deeply I wish to know him like I once did.

That is the kicker for me.  All I want is to know James again like I did when we met.  Happy, friendly, joyful, sweet, dear, kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, considerate, respectful, affectionate, attentive and loving.  Everything about him was absolutely perfect.  With me he was the man that my single girlfriends wish to find.  Someone who is openly affectionate and not afraid to show his emotions.  A man who is happy to say, "I want you as my girlfriend, and I am happy to have you in my life."  A man who is appreciative and says, "Thank you.  I really appreciate you."  In the past my blog readers have thought I am crazy for "holding on" to someone like this but I was the one who dated him and experienced his amazing love.  He is a great person.  Of course I miss him!  I was given this huge gift and I've never ever gotten over him being gone from me.  And I am not okay with it now either.  I ache so bad.  I fight to be strong for myself and my son.  I hate being so sad all the time; it sucks.  But I am so used to disappointment now, and that makes me sad too.  I guess it has made me stronger because what used to almost literally kill me or send me into a huge gigantic terrified tailspin in the past now only makes me sad.  Sad because I feel like when I "accidentally" focus on something I shouldn't, and then I see evidence of what I never really wanted come into my life, it is not making me come any closer to James, and all I REALLY want is to come closer with James.  I want to know him again.  All I want is to have him back like I had him before, loving and real.  REAL. 

I love Sundays because they are usually the days when I can hang out with my son and be domestic.  I enjoy being a homemaker! Yesterday I made a few different meals for the week, dinner for last night too.  My friend who lives me has major stomach issues and I know what she cannot eat.  I made a cheesy ham casserole but for her I made a separate casserole with gluten-free noodles.  I LIKE taking care of people.  I "mother" well.  Being a mother is probably my favorite thing ever but... I would love to be a good wife too.  I would be such a good wife to James.  I was thinking that yesterday while I was making dinner and cleaning up.  I'd be so good to him, and all I want to do is love him!  I want to take care of him and cook for him and feed him and love him and make him happy.  I have what I need in my life, a job and money and all that.  But what I do not have is companionship, not from an adult male.  I want him to be my partner.  I do stay alone because I want him and I feel that if I want him then my focus should stay on him not on someone else.  I love James.  He is the man I want in my life.

He told me a few months back that I am right.  He said, "You are right."  Right in that I know he loves me.  I know that man loves me.  He said I am right.  He does love me and always has.  Yes.  I know this.  It is why I have fought so hard to hold on to that truth.  He loves me.  He fell hard in love with me.  He was happy to meet me and he felt he'd met the woman he'd hoped for.  We match well together and we get along happily.  It is what makes this all seem so surreal because me and James had fun together.  I am pretty easy to get along with!  And so is he.  When we were together, with each other, it was always kissy and good, close and loving.  And we loved talking to each other.  We got along so well.  We had no issues, no drama.  Just a very peaceful happy love.  It was wonderful knowing him, and I believe that he feels the same about me.

So why the continued quiet?  I don't know.  The only thing I can think is that quiet tests me.  I don't like it.  I have allowed it to have the power to make me doubt, and I think that is one of the reasons why it continues.  I just wish it could shift, change.  I wish I could "do" whatever it is that would allow him to be here.  To know each other again.  I've never wanted anything more than I want to know James again, the sweet kind fun loving happy REAL genuine man I met.  I miss that man.  I remember him well.  He made an effort for me, and I realize it was because he genuinely wanted to.  He LIKED seeing me.  He enjoyed spending time with me.  Being near me made him feel good.  Just like it felt so good being near him too.

I have a therapist, had him on and off since my first marriage.  He is Buddhist.  He is understanding and he knows all about this situation.  I told him I am so done with "spirituality" and trying to be "strong" and all that.  I don't care what the teachings say.  I miss James.  My life would be so much happier if he was in it.  I feel like something is missing from my life without him and all I want is him.  I fight to be happy.  I want to be happy.  I like being happy but often I am sad without even wanting to be sad.  Because I miss James and I wish he was with me.  I wish he was with me and PJ.  I have not dated since him.  I've made love once in three years and it was with him.  I feel like we should be together.  Like he'd called me "honey" if he could, and he wants to.  I just know he loves me.  I know he is the same very gentle kind loving person I spent time with, the man who treated my son well too.  I can't ever get past that or let him go.  He was SO good.  I loved him when I met him but I remember the day he asked to take me and my son out together.  I lost my heart to him that day.  Seeing him be so kind and nice to PJ was too much for my heart to handle.  I lost it.  I fell very hard for him then.  I knew he was the man I wanted to be mine, to be with us.  He was so sweet with my son, showing him how to miniature golf and feeding the alligators with him.  It was warm that day, late September and when we were all done we could have left, you know?  But there was a big inflatable slide the kids were going down and James looked at his watch and said he still had about an hour if PJ wanted to play.  So we sat there together watching my son climb up this huge slide and go down it over and over and over again, and I still can see James' face in my mind.  He watched my son and looked happy.  Peaceful.  Very patient, a little smile on his face while he enjoyed watching my son have fun; he was so sweet!  It was the best time, most wonderful day.  I have never been happier.  It was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, taking us out like that and being so sweet to me and my son.  That is why I love him so much.  Because he was so good to me.  Because he is such a good person!  Because he showed me what a kind gentle loving person he is.  And he is funny.  And smart.  And friendly.  He was always smiling and making me laugh.  He cared about my happiness and well-being/  He liked to make me laugh and smile.  I miss him.  I miss how wonderful he is, that he did make me so happy.

I am not one of those people who firmly believe "You alone are responsible for your own happiness."  I mean I get it.  You don't want to be codependent on someone else.  But man when you are in love with someone and that person is not in your life it sucks.  It kinda sucks the happiness away.  I know it flies in the face of many teachings but I like my people.  My friends and family and especially my child.  I love being with my child.  If I did not have the people in my life that I do then I would not even want to be here.  I am not so "happy" alone that I'd enjoy living without my loving contacts.  I am totally find being by myself for a while.  I did it for most of my marriage.  I am really independent so I am okay being alone, or at least I used to be.  Now I don't like it so much.  I'd rather be with the ones I love most of the time, some alone time to think and have down time.  I think we are made for companionship.  We are social creatures.  Made for companionship.  I miss my companion.  I miss James.  I am MADE for strong love, made for cuddly affection.  I love being held and cuddled and kissed and he was so wonderful to hold and cuddle and kiss.  He likes affection too.  This is one reason why we were so good together.  We are both cuddly affectionate people; he honestly felt so much like me because of how affectionate and loving he is.  I feel kind of emotionally lost without him.  I am a strong independent woman but I feel emotionally lost.  I try and hide it well but man I am sad.  Something big is missing from my life, and life would be perfect if he were back with me.  I deserve happiness and I was totally completely thoroughly happy with James, happier than I have ever been.  He brought such joy to my life.  I miss him with all of my heart. 

That is the hardest.  I have never been happier than when I was with James.  I told my therapist this.  I said I cannot stop missing him.  I cannot stop crying.  I cannot stop hurting!  He said he can understand and would not expect that I would not miss him or be sad.  He said it is to be expected and that I should not judge myself for how I feel.  To allow it instead of feeling like I must be stronger or whatever.  I am not stronger when it comes to missing him.  But I have to be able to handle it and deal since I have a life to live, and a child to raise.  But I do miss James.   It is so hard for me to put into words but we were close.  We talked about everything.  He became my buddy very quickly and I felt safe with him.  Comfortable.  It felt so right with him.  I trusted him a lot.  It was intense too.  And because we talked ALL the time or else he was with me we became attached to each other quickly and hard.  It might not have been a super long time but the time we did spend knowing each other, we were in constant contact.  He wanted to know more and more about me and all we wanted to do was be near one another.  Close.  It felt so good being together.  Sweetest man I ever met or could dream of meeting.  So... this feels all wrong right now.  It is unbelievable.  I know he actually loves me still.  I don't totally understand this energy or "soul" connection, and I don't care to.  I don't watch any more videos and I only follow one guide.  Her messages usually speak to me in some way or another.  She says this is all about LOVE.  Love.  Knowing love, focusing on love and believing in love.  She explains that we are creating this.  And I was told that from above and it is what I feel.  Love.  I just love him.  I love him.  He means so much to me.  And I believe he feels the same way about me... I wish he could show me.  Like he did before, like when he said it felt like we'd shoved six years of love into six weeks because we loved each other SO hard.  I wish he could be back with me now.

I am trying the best I can.  My missing him and sadness can sometimes get the best of me.  But I am still here.  I don't blame other twin souls for moving on.  I can understand it.  But I can't.  I keep telling myself what we had was so damn special.  More special than I can explain, more special than people can understand.  And it is real.  He told me I am genuine and it is rare and that he thinks he loves me for this reason most, because I am genuine.  That is so sweet.  He was protective of me and my body and my heart.  I know that man.  I remember him.  I feel in my heart we are meant to be together so I am always reigning myself back in when I feel myself losing it.

I ache to kiss him and touch him and hold him again.  I miss his sweet beautiful face.  I'd do pretty much anything to talk to my friend and love again.  I don't think I can ever stop hoping to hear from him or wanting to see him again.  I can't shake the hope and want.  I love him now and will love him forever but I sure wish we could come together again, sweet sweet man.

My Love.  I miss you.  Each day is a challenge to get through without having you in my life.  I love you! 

Thanks for Showing Up

Hello,

I know I've been quiet.  I hope anyone who might read this is doing well!

Life has been good and blessed and busy.  My son and I went on vacation to Disney World with my immediate family and it was a fun and exciting time.  I love Disney World.  I wish I could live there or visit three time a year!  I've been blessed to take my son three years in a row though, and I hope to go next year too.  Disney is the perfect vacation for us especially since my son has only just turned seven years-old so everything is magical for him!  The weather in Florida was absolutely perfect every single moment we were there which was a huge blessing.  Overall I did not want to come home...

But we came home to game seven of the world series, and I am a life-long Cubs fan who comes from a long line of life-long Cubs fans so the excitement continued once we got back home.  The "Disney Blues" were somewhat eased by the sound of "Cubs win!  Cubs win!" and all the fireworks going off throughout the neighborhood and, well pretty much everywhere!  My son turned seven two hours after the Cubs big win and he woke for a moment to peek outside at the fireworks and tell me, "This is the best birthday gift ever.  The Cubs won the world series" and then he sleepily fell back to sleep.  He has not had an actual birthday party for a few years since we've been in Disney near his birthday since 2014 but this year we did have a party for him at the local bowling alley and he had a blast, so life has been good.  Fun.  "Happy" you could say.  I've been happy.  I've been working hard to be thankful for all of the goodness in my life.  Happy times.  Fun stuff.

But I still miss James.  I can't help it.  My focus has been far from perfect.  The quiet pushes me and pushes me.  I'll never be able to accept the silence and be thrilled with it.  I want to talk with James so badly that it eats at me all the time.  In Disney I did not want to focus on any of this at all but of course right when I got there I saw a man staying at our hotel who was the spitting image of James {even my sister agreed when she saw him} and I kept seeing him so it made it pretty hard to let it go even while on vacation.  I get really confused- like maybe I am supposed to remain focused on him, in a good way of course, and signs like this are to remind me?  I don't always know.

And I have not been focusing well.  As I said the quiet pushes me and then my brain wanders off and thinks "bad" or doubtful things and I can pretty well assume when I have doubtful thoughts about James or his feelings for me I then keep him away.  And it is a vicious cycle because the longer the silence continues the easier it is to let my thoughts stray.

And it really is all me.  I can't blame anyone or anything else.  It is my mind and my thoughts, and it makes me feel pretty badly knowing that I am having a hard time keeping my shit under control because James was nothing but kind to me when he was in my life, and it was only this past spring that he told me "You're right.  I do love you and I always have.  I want you in my life.  Accept that."

Accept that.

So my continued goal is to keep my focus on really knowing he loves me and wants me no matter how the "external" circumstances appear.  Most of us in this situation go through similar experiences, the quiet, etc.  I know it is for a "reason."  I feel like... this man wants to know me.  He always wanted to talk to me.  He loved talking to me and any chance he had of talking to me- he took it.  But I miss him dearly, and that missing him tears me up inside.  All I can do is continue to miss him, continue to desperately want to speak with or see or spend time with or be with my friend and love again, all while holding on to the fact that he is a good man and he does love me and wants me too. 

I've had to simplify this connection in my mind in order to accept it and keep working at it.  For me it is only about us, him and I, and our love for each other.  He is the only part of this that matters to me whatsoever.  If there is a "twin soul mission" then for me it is James and only James.  He is the one who was here with me, always holding my hand, constantly being sweet and sending me loving messages and being gentle and considerate to me.  He was the definition of a gentleman with me, and he was good to my son too.  I've said that a million times on this blog but the truth is so mind-blowing to me.  James was nothing but wonderful to me.  He tried SO hard, and it makes me cry to think of it.  All he wanted to do was be close to me and be good to me.  He loved being close to me just as I loved being close to him.  We were very happy to sit on my couch and just talk, kiss and hold each other.  Giggling and kissing, and it was my own personal Heaven.  I was the happiest with James, the happiest EVER.  Totally blissful.  But the thing is- I know he felt the same way about me.  I felt it in him.  I can look back in my mind and know, clearly know, that he was "attached" to me {in a good way} and he looked forward to being with me.  He needed to see me, wanted to be close to me, and he made me a priority because he wanted to.

And I know he wanted me in his life, and I know he still does.  I know that he misses me too.

I have to keep my concentration and focus on truth and love, and it is so easy to let my mind wander off and wonder and doubt and overthink and blah blah blah.  And all the while we stay apart and it is killing me inside.  As I always say- I have blessings for which I am very thankful but those blessings do not take away the sadness I feel over being apart from the love of my life.  I am thankful for knowing James.  I am so happy he came into my life, so happy the love of my life showed up, the one who showed me the best love ever.  I am thankful for the huge love he showed me, and methinks this has been a really large personal experience in owning my truth and being forced to keep my focus on what I want instead of what I do not want, manifestation.  I have to believe it when I am totally, completely and thoroughly loved.  And I know James loves me like this.

Maybe I am wrong but this appears to be a big lesson in personal manifestation and controlling my thoughts and beliefs.

And love.  I do believe the bottom line is love and believing in love when it is felt for me and given to me and shown to me in many many different ways; I can't think of one way James did not show me his love.  Underneath all of my mistakes and missteps and wrong moves and erroneous thinking I believe there is only love for me from James.  And I wish with all of my might that he could show me his love again.  I miss, with all of my heart, knowing the sweet funny man I met, dated and fell in love with.  I miss my sweetheart so much.  I still feel like he is the man I am supposed to be married to and sharing life with.  I hope I can still have that opportunity.  This entire experience has been so wild and "different" but I reassure myself with this thought of- well as twin souls, even though it's been a challenge, there is always a chance.  Always a chance to make it right, to remember love and let it be truth again.  So I hope I am right in that thinking because I'd really love to one day finally get this right so I can hear from my friend and love again.  I love him with all of my heart and my life does not feel complete without him in it.  My son and I both wish he was here with us as part of our family.

There are many things in life that bring me happiness, both small and large.  But besides my son's happiness and good health there is only one thing in life I really want, and that is to have James in my life like we were before, happy and at ease.  Peaceful and open.  Loving.  Cute.  Genuine.  Healthy.  Real.  Simple.  He'd smile at me and so gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss- and he was always so gentle with me which was exactly what I needed.  A gentle touch.  I miss his sweet gentle patient touch, his beautiful smile and his sweet kisses.  I miss his silly friendly loving personality.  What we shared was the start of a wonderful beautiful healthy relationship, and all I really want is for us to go back to how we were, being together again in friendship and love.

He always made me laugh and smile.  Always.  I wish I could smile and laugh with James again.

Take care,

Jennifer

See The Stars With You

See The Stars With You

Today is a rough day.  Second night in a row where I've come awake at midnight and I don't know why.  Wide awake.  Just laying there with thoughts in my head and songs playing in my mind.  Last night was Diana Ross singing about missing someone.  *sigh*

I just don't know.  

I have some "real life" stuff I need to address and on top of how I feel emotionally it feels like I am ready to crack.  I cry all the time.  I cried this morning with my son's teacher.  I am trying to keep it all together.  But I feel like I barely am.  My son... is adorable.  He is wonderful and sweet, very kind sensitive little soul.  He is also extremely high-energy.  And I mean EXTREMELY.  In pre-school they told me he was the highest energy child they had, and now in the public school system, well, it's been a challenge.  So I am going to have him tested.  I am terrified of stuffing a pill down his throat simply because he has too much energy to sit in a chair All. Day. Long.  They get like 15 minutes of recess!  Come the fuck on- they are six and seven years old!  But my son in particular- his teacher told me today that she loves him.  He has a sparkling loveable personality.  He is sweet.  But he also is very very social and talkative and he cannot sit still.  She was careful with his grade in conduct on this first report card; she said she knows he "can't control himself" and it isn't his fault.  He is always moving.  Always thinking, building, talking, reflecting, "what if-ing," working shit out through his words, contemplating, engineering, singing, la la la-gin, humming, moving... he is never still unlesshe is sleeping.  He sleeps hard and long and wakes talking.  I swear- he wakes up talking, asking me questions, telling me stories.  He wakes with stuff already in his head.  And he's like that all day long until he falls asleep fast and hard, and he still has a routine bedtime.  He is such a sweet child but I am not sure what to do with him and this high-energy thing he has going on.  He's so smart and engaging.  I don't want to give him a drug to take away who he is; this bright light personality is what makes him unique.  I don't know what to do. 

I am fucking tired.  Even without a twin soul thing in my life I am tired.  Add in whatever is going on with James, this thing I don't totally understand, and I'm exhausted!  I do not understand.  I don't.  I feel lost.  I understand that we have a "connection" of some kind.  He somehow reflects me, whether or not he knows he does it- he reflects me.  I did not ask for a mirror soul to come into my life.  I asked for a sweet boyfriend, and granted I did get what I asked for but I did not realize he was going to reflect my fears and stuff back to me.  I did not know that.  I just wanted him to stay with me.

That is all I wanted.  I wanted him to stay with me.  I am so sad because he could not stay with me!

I am so so so ready to have a companion in my life, someone to help me, someone I could help as well.  When I met James he very quickly started saying things like, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping next to each other."  He says he wants to make love to me every night.  And he told me one night when we were on the phone that he was sad when he went home at night and I was not there, he was wanting me to be there when he got home at night.  He did not want me at my own house and him at his house- he wanted us together.  He told me he could see us married.  He told me he could see himself as PJ's step-daddy.  He said, "Let's talk about when we are married..."  He said, so sweetly, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I am sure I could learn.  I could teach him science and help him at sports."  He said he finally met the woman he could see himself wanting to have a child with since he saw how good I was with my own child.  And I am a good mother but I am tired of doing it alone.  I want my mate, my companion, and I am SAD because James told me he wanted to be that partner for me.  He told me.  And here I am, every day wanting and hoping and praying that he can come back to me so we can have what we dreamed of together.

I want a life with James.  I really do.  I can't forget or let go of how good he was to me and how he spoke my every dream to me.  Full mirror.  Ugh- full mirror.  I've had other people who reflect me, other soul mates, but they were not my "full mirror" like James is.  I have this strong faith that we have a unique connection where the opportunity to come back together exists- and that is why I don't give up.  I have this deep faith that eventually, when I get this "right," he can come back to me because I believe he truly wants to come back and be with me.

I miss him.  I miss the adorable man I met, got to know, fell in love with, kissed for hours, held hands with, talked with forever, shared dreams with, made love with- I was so entirely happy with James.  I've never been that happy in my entire life.  Not even when I had my son was I as happy as when James was here in my life as my boyfriend.  I loved being with him, loved knowing him, loved spending time with him or even just talking to him.  My GOD just knowing he was in my life, actively a part of my life, made me feel so content and good and happy.  I thought I... was finally going to have a chance at being happy.  I felt like I met the best guy in the whole world.  I fell in love with him so quickly.  It made me totally vulnerable and brought my fears out, yes it did, but STILL I loved him SO much!  I thought that maybe finally I'd met "the one" and we'd be happy together.  I wanted everything with him.  He treated me well.  Better than anyone else, better than I could ever dream of.

I knew "love" before I met James but there is one thing about our time together that means a lot to me.  That is our relationship was built more on friendship and "true love" than just desire.  It was not based on an immediate sexual attraction.  We were attracted to each other but since we only kissed for a while first it was not like we jumped into bed right away and then got to know each other in between screwing each others brains out.  We actually did not make love many times but the times we did were sweet.  But... I am glad that we talked for a month before we met and then we waited a few weeks and spent "quality" time together before getting naked.  That means a lot to me, and he always told me that while he found me very attractive he also just liked being with me.  Near me, knowing me, talking to me, sharing with me.  He said he would wait as long as I needed because he wanted me to be ready and he enjoyed my company.  He always told me he looked forward to reading my messages and knowing my thoughts.  I still have, somewhere, a message from him.  Very sweet and James.  He told me that, lol, his friends called him "science trip" because of his love for science, and he was so glad that I appreciated that side of him and respected his likes and how he thinks, and I did.  It is one of the things I greatly miss about him, his brilliant mind and how he thinks and his passion for science.  I miss all that we shared together.  I cannot even.  I cannot EVEN read anything about the universe or see Neil deGrasse Tyson or anything science or Geology related without my heart seizing up in my chest because it reminds me of James so much- my poor fucking heart!  I miss my cute little scientist friend and love so much that I am losing it.  I don't even know what to do with myself.

I think THAT is what makes me the most bonkers.  Truth is so different than what I have experienced over these last three years and sometimes it is so maddening that it makes me not want to "life" anymore.  That is why sometimes suicide sneaks into my thoughts- because I feel like I am living in my own private HELL that no one else can understand.  Because I know who James is.  I know how much he enjoyed knowing me.  I know how in love we were {and still are} together, the kind of love where you can't stand to be apart and you just need to be touching and kissing and talking and loving each other.  I know what truth is.  I know what we shared- he cares about me!  I know he cares about me, and my son.  And I know he would want me happy and at peace.  Because he is a good man.

He is a good man.

No, if you have not been through a twin soul experience, especially the separation part, then you won't clearly understand what I mean.  Because I don't feel like this is reality.  "This" feels like illusion.  It feels WRONG.  We should be talking to each other.  In person.  One human being to another.  I know he considers me a friend and he cares about me.  I know he enjoys talking to me.  I KNOW he does.  And it makes me very frustrated to... more than want something.  To know what truth is, to know we should be talking and together and knowing each other lovingly and peacefully.  So I am frustrated.  It is a frustration that I am working hard not to allow into anger since I am not a victim.  I know I got myself here.

But I want out now.  I want the light at the end of the tunnel.  I want to know James again like he was when I met him: friendly, funny, kind, loving, affectionate, gentle, sweet, silly, goofball, making me laugh, holding my hand, being my buddy, kissing me all the time, not able to keep his hands off me yet totally respectful and PROTECTIVE of me.  He was very protective of me, always careful of my heart and emotions.  The perfect man to meet and know.  A man who was kind to me and kind to my child.  A man who respected my role as mother and always took my responsibilities as PJ's mom into consideration.  He planned a "play day" for me and him and my son, together.  OMG- that memory alone makes me bawl.  He is a man who was obviously raised well by someone who taught him how to treat a woman.  He totally accepted me and loved me and wanted to be with me, and I know he still does.

I miss my gift.  I was blessed with a gift, and I really wish he was back in my life. 

I miss James so much I can barely stand it, and I don't know what to do.  How I feel is not "normal."  I know there is "something" out there.  A God.  My guidance/HS.  I am asking for some serious HELP.  I am a mother who has to keep her shit together and I could use some help.  I swear I am trying my best to hold on, stay focused, etc. etc. but... I need some help.

Jennifer

Feeling

This is how I feel.

I write here and delete over and over again because nothing feels right.  The only thing I really feel or care about right now is I love James and I miss my sweetheart so deeply that I can't even explain how it feels.  I cry all the time.  I cry over everything because my emotions are so tender. 

I ache.

I ache because I remember how much fun I had with James.  I remember his sweetness.  I remember what good friends we became, the fun conversations we had.  He earned my trust because he was totally protective of me in every way and I had never really been treated like that before, like I was totally cherished and chosen.  He showed me he felt I was special.  He protected my body, mind and heart.  He was good to my child.  He made time for me.  He looked forward to seeing me.  He not only came to visit me but he brought gifts with him... so thoughtful and generous and kind.

And he was sweet to my child.  That is something I cannot recover from, ever.  My heart is a big pile of aching goo right now.  Every time I think back to how kind he was to my son and about my son it slays my heart.  He is such a gem.  A treasure.  That is why I ache.  I miss my gem.

I need to remain focused on feeling love right now.  I stray off.  But I know I am meant to be loving and kind to James in my heart.  Send him love, remember him with goodness.  Yes I miss him.  I sure wish he was back with me but I do love him no matter what.

Sometimes I don't feel very loving.  I get kind of icky inside.  I want to avoid aching so I "shut off."  Like this weekend I just wanted to feel normal and have fun so I went out... and I don't know if that is the best choice for me right now.  I get antsy.  I want to escape feeling like this but maybe there really is no escape from it.  I need to continue to just stay home or in more peaceful quiet places and "feel" and be reflective.  Otherwise I want to distract and I don't feel that distracting is the best energy.  This might be hard to understand since I don't know how to explain it properly but let me try: when I want to feel all strong and "I don't hurt" and "I can be happy and have a fun normal life too" and "I am not going to spend my whole day missing him" it feels like my heart closes.  And then it closes a little more.  And then I don't want to bring him to mind.  And I might not cry as much or ache as deeply BUT I also get a bit of a chip on my shoulder, and then a few days later I STILL miss him and it's this huge ball of glop that does not feel good.  And it can make me feel angry, and anger is a shit energy that I must avoid by all means.  So, when I just allow myself to feel him and his love, to remember him even if it makes me ache and cry- I feel softer then.  I feel more tempered and kind inside.  I feel more loving.  Even if it aches.  There is NO middle ground for me.  I can feel very grateful for my life and I do.  I can enjoy the moment.  I can smile and laugh... but inside I still carry a bittersweet sorrow behind my smile {and later I will cry when I hear a song or am reminded of him or a wave of emotion comes over me} no matter what- if I keep my heart open then that is how it feels, always. 

James was good to me.  *sigh*  I really miss my loving friend.  We were not only lovers but friends, friends first.  I feel in my heart that he loves me a lot, still does.  Well, see?  He not long ago told me he does love me.  He told me "accept that."  Like I don't accept it.  I KNOW he does love me.  He is a good guy and he loves me.  I need to focus on love even if it makes me ache. I think that is pretty natural, to miss and ache for someone who is not here.  I am human still.  I have a strong heart.  I feel emotions intensely, especially love.  I am very much in love with this man and I long for him.  It is not something I can even control at this point.  I can't stop thinking of kissing him and holding him, being in his arms, our sweet loving pillow talk.  I can't stop thinking of how he held me and kissed me and made love to me when he was here last.  I miss him.  I miss seeing his sweet warm kind fun smile.  I want to touch his face and kiss his lips.

I wish James could come to my house again and kiss me for hours and make love with me. Close and intimate and good.

I was always told that it is my mission to love him and remember him for who he is, the man I met who treated me with tenderness and total kindness.  James was very gentle to me.  That is what aches so deeply- I miss his tender touch.  I miss that gentleness.  I know who he is and I ache to have him back in my life.  Remembering his goodness is bittersweet but I have to do it even if it aches because I want him here and I have to be supportive of him and loving to him.  I believe he is meant to be here.  I believe he wants to be here.  God I am so ready to go forward and know James again, my friend and love.  The intimacy we share is so beautiful.  It really was the start to a healthy beautiful loving relationship- one that is meant to continue.

But I need to stay grounded and loving inside.  I've felt resistance for a while and I need to get through it.  I've had really weird dreams that show me I am not allowing my feelings out, not expressing myself enough {even just privately.}  Maybe not expressing my truth.  I've had a hard time writing here on the blog too. Blocked almost.  Gotta work through that.  Keep my priorities in check.  I'm given a ton of signs and I don't always know what they mean but I think they are showing me to keep doing what helps me, staying focused on love.

Man, I do love James.  If I could wake in the morning and find a text that says, "Hi! Good morning!" from him I'd be so happy.  I miss being in touch with him and knowing how he is and just sharing life with him in general.  I do wish I could know him again.  Not because I am nosy or anything but just because friends share.  Friends talk.  Friends are open and honest, and we were before.  I miss that.  I miss being able to talk casually, laugh easily.  I miss seeing his smile and hearing his cute laugh.  Seeing his sweet face.  *sigh*  I miss James so much.  I know he loves me.  I know that we are still connected on some level.  I love him too, and I care about him and want him happy.  But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and he did not want to leave, and he's tried to come back time and again... and I just feel he loves me as much as I love him.  Like he told me, I gotta accept that.

So here I am, holding on.  Tightly.  I feel like I would do pretty much anything to see his smiling face, and hold him and kiss him.  To have him in my life again like I did before, my sweet friend and love.

I heard this song today.  It is fitting.

Sad Song

Songs & My Heart

Roses Are Red

My Hands

Oh God I heard both of these songs back to back while I was out on my lunch break, and they both explain how I feel perfectly.  My heart hurts.  MY GOD does my heart hurt.  I remember James.  I remember how sweet he was to me, perfectly kind and loving and good.  I remember our kisses.  Sweet wonderful beautiful kisses.  I remember how he told me that he loves when we are together we are so kissy and loving and good- that when together we cannot keep our hands off each other.  

He always held my hand when we were together.  If we were alone we were kissing, or making love, and when we were out together he always held my hand.  Always.  The night we were in Chicago he held my hand the whole night.  

Memories are a beautiful thing but... they hurt too.  Bittersweet.  I wish James was here with me now, cuddled up together with me every night.  I wish his sweet face was the last thing I see at night, and his sweet kisses the first thing I feel in the morning.  I want to sleep next to him all night long.  

I love him, and I miss him.  I so so so wish he was here with me, with me and my son.  Our family.

I read something yesterday that said you gotta feel like they are here instead of missing them.  But I don't think I can get there.  I can remember how wonderful it felt to be with James.  Heaven on earth.  Blissful.  Pure bliss.  The time I spent with him was the happiest time of my life.  I cannot imagine meeting a man as wonderful and kind and sweet as James.  Gentle.  He was gentle to me.  I needed a gentle touch and he gave that to me.  It is what aches so deeply- I miss his gentle sweet love.  He is perfect for me.

This ache, I have pretty much come to accept it.  It is not going anywhere.  No matter how much jewelry I make, or the books I try to read, or spending time with family or friends or even my sweet child- nothing erases this deep ache I have for him.  It must just be what one feels when going through what people call a "twin soul separation."  All I know is we fell deeply in love, quickly.  He told me it was the start to a healthy and beautiful relationship, and that it truth.  There was a lot of pure strong love between us.  We only wanted to treat each other well and with love.  That is all there was between us.  And I feel that there is really only love there now too.

Nothing changed.  That is the thing that can boggle my mind.  Nothing changed.  He even told me, later, "Nothing changed.  I feel exactly the same."  And while I know more time has passed- real strong true love lasts.  Nothing changed.  Nothing "happened."  That love did not go anywhere.  It is still there.

Ohhhh... my heart.  My heart does ache.  I try not to focus on him not being here and more that I wish he was with me.  I look up at the stars at night and remember him.  I tell him how much I love him.  He knows I love him.  He is a good man.  The best I ever met.  I just wish he was with me now.  But again I feel like I have to simply accept the fact that I ache.  It is a feeling I cannot shake.  I feel like I will only feel fully peaceful and "happy" once... he is back in my life.  I feel like I am not perfect and never will be but I can always keep in mind his goodness and how much he loves me.  He has been my partner through all of this, and I'm gonna just have to miss him until he is back with me.  I cry a lot.  But I can't help it.  When I bring his sweet love to mind, the time we spent together holding each other, kissing, giggling, talking closely, sharing, being dear friends and lovers at the same time... feeling so safe and comfortable with him, so so so so fucking HAPPY- it is impossible for me to not feel that bittersweet sorrow, and it is a sorrow.  Maybe that sorrow and missing that is borne of love is the only thing I am able to feel right now.

I am thankful I met him.  I am grateful for the time we spent together.  I would not know real true pure love had I not spent time with James.  Besides my son he is the best thing to ever happen to me.  He will always be so special to me.  I just miss him so much.  He is always on my mind and in my heart.  I can only pray hard to God and anything else "out there" to please help protect my aching heart.  Because I have prayed and prayed for the ache to be eased but it is still there, three years later.  

I miss my Love.  I would give anything to hear his sweet voice again.  I pray for truth because I know truth is we do love each other and care for one another, and I wish with all of my heart we could be back together. I am so ready to know my sweet loving kind friend again.  He told me he loves me, always has, and that he wants me in his life.  I know I need to hold on to that as truth, accept it like he told me to.  And I do.  It can be a challenge missing him this much but- oh well.  I guess that is just how it feels when you love someone so much and you dream of having him back with you.

So there.  That is how I feel, still.  Not much different than normal.  I just remember his sweet kisses like I can almost feel him- and... it aches.  Sweet and beautiful are my dear memories yet they tug at my heart because I want more than a memory. I want to kiss my Love again.  I want to hear him call me "honey" again- I miss that, him calling me sweet names, especially honey because it still feels inside like I am his honey.  I want to hold him and look into his beautiful blue eyes and smile at him and hold his hand and make sweet close intimate love with him.  I miss him.  I know him and I miss him because he is a good sweet man, and when someone is blessed with the most amazing life-changing gift, and then that gift is gone... I want my gift back.  So much.  And I feel like he wishes he could be with his gift too.  I know I am a gift to him- he told me so.  He told me he'd dreamed of meeting a woman who would love him fully and understand him, and he found her in me.  And I believe that still.

That's about all I have right now.

I love you.  You are still my sweetheart.  I carry you in my heart, carefully.  My biggest and only wish is to have you in my life again like I did before, your kind loving sweet gentle tender beautiful wonderful amazing self.  

It Was Like This

He really was so good and sweet and kind to me, and it hurts all the time to be away from him.

I've never in my life wanted something as much as I want to have an open honest truthful conversation with James.  Or to hug, hold and kiss him.

That's about all I can say without spiraling into upset.  He showed me he was making me a priority.  He showed me he loved being with me and wanted me in his life.  He really did.  And I miss him and his sweet amazing love.  It hurts and I wish he could be back with me now like I knew him before, kind and gentle and loving.

I feel really sad without him. We did not have enough time together.