Human

I keep reminding myself of this fact, that I'm a piece of the universe playing human for a while.  It's been quite a ride.  I feel like I'm really fighting to own truth right now.  My brain keeps slinking back to these thoughts that I don't want, and I am trying to combat it.  Because I KNOW that human I kissed and hugged on in my past.  My Love.  I do remember him.

There was a question posed the other day on the web that got me thinking.  It was about twin souls and it asked- do you love the person or the connection?  Like... do I love James or do I more love the spiritual connection I have with him?  It took me only a fraction of a second to respond in my head.  Oh, I love HIM.  I love him.  Some of the people who responded said they love the connection more than the person.  I've felt strong STRONG soul connections before and they felt good.  At the moment when I knew those people, man... it was intense.  Those were AWESOME connections.  Soul-love is a GREAT feeling.  But if I was only after the feeling of divine soul love then I'd be happy with one of those people from my past, and I've had one return to me and want to pick up where we left off and I said NO.  I am no longer "in love" with that person, and even though the ooey gooey soul connection felt great at that time, and I will always care about this person, I love another person now.  Even if both "connections," in their good loving moments, feel very much the same.

I have no doubt if I made contact with another soul connection that the love could feel warm and soulful again.  But I am not in this for the "connection" or the way the "twin soul energy" makes me feel.  I fell in love with a person, with an individual, with another human being.  Not with a "connection."  I fell in love with a quirky, adorable, sweet kind person... not just a soul collective.  Not just "twin soul energy."  I do not believe that energy hops from person to person.  I really don't.  My beliefs are my own but like I said, I've experienced strong soul mates in my past.  But they were soul mates.  They did not mirror me fully and they did not have to be hard on me.  I don't like labels so all I can say is they were special to me but they were not my "soul twin."  There is a reason why a twin is called a TWIN.  Because twin means ONE.  One single exact match.  Not more than one.  But one.  I do believe we have many soul mates who can come to us to love us and bring about a lot of change, some chaotic.  But they are not the twin soul.  They are soul mates.  They can even feel the same on some levels but none of my soul mates did or do for me what James has.  My connection with him is intense.  And to be honest with you- I LOVE him as a human being so very much but sometimes I do not like this connection.  It is not the easiest connection.  My soul mates were much much easier.  Yet I love this person.  With all my heart.  No matter how challenging it can be.  I love this person so fucking much that I continue to stare fear in the face and walk into dark places that not many other people would walk into, and pretty much because I love him and because I do trust the connection.  I trust that it is based on total unconditional love and somewhere he is out there loving me despite appearances.  When it is said to walk by faith and not by sight?  Oh yeah, that is me right now.  I am walking by faith alone, and through forcing myself to look back and own truth and continue to fight through fear.  Do I love it?  Hell no.  But I love him.  SO very much.  I love him as a human.  My cute little Geologist, funny, kinda corny sometimes, he who makes me laugh when not many others can.  Warm and gentle.  Intelligent as all get out, totally aware, loving, merciful, tender, passionate, caring, giving, warm, considerate... and just an all around wonderful HUMAN BEING.  I know people out there might shake their heads and think, 'She loves him more than she loves herself," and that's so not true.  I love myself SO much that I know I deserve an angel like him.  And that is why I am still in this.  Right there.  Because I am so amazing that I deserve his wonderful love.

Not a connection.  NOT "I can just move on and find this feeling with someone else."  It does not work like this for some of us.  I met someone who changed my life, who made such an impact on me that it was like I ordered him up myself piece by intricately wonderful piece... oh wait, I did.  I did ask for him.  I asked for every single loving hair on his body, every aspect of him... his charm, his wit, his adorable nature.  I DID ask for him.  How am I supposed to replace such uniqueness with a new "connection?"

I just had to get this out.  Some of us fall in love with one single particular SPECIAL person.  A walking breathing person.  Not just a soul.  Not just a "feeling" or a connection that can be easily let go of and replaced.  I love him, and there are plenty of reasons why I love HIM and have not moved on to someone new or allowed anyone from my past to come into my life as romantic interest, past soul connection or not.  None of them are James.  And I love James.  For good reason.

So for some of us it is not all about the "connection."  It's about the darling of a human being walking around out there, a unique one-of-a-kind individual.  An angel on earth. 

Feelings

A friend from my past contacted me the other day, and it unsettled me.  He is my friend from some years back, early on in my Awakening, and I felt he was meant to be a spiritual guide for me but that did not happen.  He had a very interesting spiritual path he was embarking on at that time and we'd discuss it but in the end he became upset that I did not want to be more than his friend, and I adamantly only wanted to be his friend.  So anyway that was a few years ago and we drifted off but he still reaches out to say hello once in a while, and sometimes when he does he mentions how sad he is that I couldn't see past his "appearance" because he seems to think I was not attracted to him due to his looks which is not the case.  I felt friendship for him.  When he reaches out to me I answer friendly because I am friendly.  I tell him about my son, let him know how I am, tell him I wish him well and that's about all.  He knows there is someone in my heart who I dearly care for.  But also this old friend of mine is a good human being and I wish him happiness.

I open my email the other day and he'd emailed me.  In his message he told me something like, "Hey old friend I thought you might get a kick out of this," and he told me he'd recently gotten a full-sleeve tattoo but not only that... he told me he got his "genitals" pierced, what's called a "Jacob's Ladder," and since I am not "up" on the genital piercing lingo I had to google it.

Seems this particular piercing adds to a woman's "pleasure" if you get my drift, and him even telling me about him getting his dick pierced REALLY rubbed me... entirely the wrong way.  In a separate message sent at another time he mentioned that his work would be bringing him near my area again.  I kept my cool {I really try not to be reactive at all these days, or as little as possible} so all I said was how funny, and that I had no comment besides asking him what his wife thought of it.

But the later I just could not stop myself.  See... I want to hear from JAMES.  My love.  I want to hear from my love who, YES, I do still believe is single and waiting for me, wanting me.  I have my own personal reasons for believing this.  If anyone is going to send me a personal comment then it should be James, no one else.  I just don't want that from another man.  It feels WRONG.  I asked myself why am I hearing from this "old friend" right now?  Usually they pop up for a reason.  It is to see if I am so lonely that I will engage him in conversation because that is SO not going to happen.  I honestly do not want to talk to any other man besides James.  I have no desire to do so.  I don't want a replacement.  I emailed my old friend and very very politely told him I did not appreciate him telling me that he got his penis pierced.  I told him that in no way shape or form do I want to know ANYTHING about his private area, at all, and there was no reason to tell me.  I told him to please speak to his wife about those matters.  And then I felt better after I was authentic to my feelings.  I was rather disgusted and put off, to be quite honest.  I am very protective of myself and it just made me feel so... icky.

Just like when months back another one of my past soul mates reached out to me after separating from his wife and he started being all sweet to me.  It had been over two years since I'd even talked with him and it felt wrong.  I told him I was in love with another man and he said he'd change my mind, and I told him... um, no.  Not going to happen.  Just him saying that was disrespectful to me, and how arrogant, right?  I wanted to be his friend but he kept calling me "baby doll" and saying things like "Good morning beautiful," and those are sweetnesses that James said to me.  I don't want that from this other man, at all.  He kept telling me he missed me and I do NOT miss him!  So finally a while back it got to me so badly that I told him I can't do it.  I love him and wish him well but I don't want to remain in contact with him.  He is part of my life that is over now.

I am not used to cutting people out of my life.  It does not come easily or naturally to me but if a connection does not feel right then I don't want it, you know what I mean?  I've been thinking of a few different things here lately, like another past lover of mine, the last time we were together which was years back {and I knew it would be the last time} he pulled my hair, and I didn't like it at all.  It was unexpected and not appreciated.  And I told him so.  And my GOD he's one I loved SO much but at that moment I remember very vividly telling him to stop it.  I didn't like it, and I told him so.  I am not meant to be a play toy or a fantasy-fulfiller.

Well that was the "old" me.  None of that shit would happen now for various reasons.  The last man I made love with was a very special angel who I love a lot and my memories of him are enough.  Getting laid is the last thing on my mind. But beyond that, I am different now.  There is just so much I could not tolerate now that I would have a few years ago.  Being with James offered me my innocence back and I plan on protecting and honoring that fact. 

The part that makes my heart ache MOST is the contrast between all that shit and James.  It is bittersweet.  James was just so sweet and gentle with me, and very polite and respectful.  Yes we flirted, and it could be a little saucy at times, but it was so not "sex chat."  It was never to get him off.  He was never ever selfish.  He flirted a bit but it was sweet and friendly and just to banter and be loving.  He shared a fantasy, sweetly and purely I might add, here and there- and then after he'd send it he'd get all freaked out worried that he may have offended me because he was so very protective of my feelings.  Like super considerate and caring.  He once told me he'd rather "punish me with kisses" than ever be rough with me... and that is just so James.  Very sweet and gentle.  God he'd never ever say anything to me that he thought might come across as crude or disrespectful.  I LOVE that about him, that tenderness and caring attitude.  Just so entirely sweet.

So the CONTRAST between his loveliness and this guy sending me an email out of the blue telling me about his piercing is... well, piercing, to my heart.  TO MY HEART.

The old friend emailed me back and apologized and he said he felt it would be better if we no longer keep in contact, especially since I have someone I hold special to my heart.  I wrote back and agreed and wished him well.  And that is that.  I feel better like this.  I don't want any man besides my twin soul telling me he misses me or thinks of me.  Anyone else and I cringe.  It just does not work for me.

I guess I am entitled to my feelings, and it is okay for me to be honest and express them.  I have no desire to be in contact with any other man right now.  I just don't.  I feel protective of my energy and interaction, especially like this, feels invasive to me.  But again these things highlight the truth behind the sweetness I had when James was in my life, a reminder maybe.  And I love him to no end, eternally.  I miss him with all of my heart, and I thank him for how kind, gracious and darling he was to me.  He who showed me how I deserve to be treated and loved... I will love you forever.
 

"Happy"

I have something on my mind.  And when I have something on my mind it kind of rolls around in there and causes mischief.  Or wreaks havoc, or the like.  I don't want to appear defensive but I do want to explain something about myself.  So here goes.

My twin soul makes me happy.  Time spent with him makes me happy.  His kind words and tender touch MAKE ME HAPPY.

There, I said it.  When we were together being with him made me happy.  Ever seen couples out walking hand in hand, faces glowing?  Yeah- they shine because they make each other happy, and it's OKAY.

Last night I went to see Josh Groban in concert with my friend Jen and my mom.  I want my mom to feel good about our relationship so I try to do special things with her from time to time so I got her a ticket and took her for dinner to The Walnut Room and then Josh sang all show tunes, which my mother loves, so it was a great night.  My friend Jen, on the way home, was talking about her sweet boyfriend Joel.

A little background.  Jen was single for eight years following a heartbreaking break up.  She acted very jaded about love.  We have been friends for about ten years and my hopeful little heart grated on her nerves.  Spring 2014 James told me he wanted to come back and see me and the push-pull thing happened and then silence happened again.  I spent the weekend not long after that with Jen and I spoke of my love for James and it unnerved her to no end.  Any talk of love unnerved her.  We were with another friend, another Jen, and SHE spoke of love too and by the end of the weekend Jaded-Jen wanted to kill us.

So on the drive him we got into a debate about love.  I told her that she needed to stop being so intimidating and let her walls down because she'd never find love being so closed off and pretending to hate love.  I told her that God had someone waiting for her.  I actually told her, "You are going to try dating and there is someone just waiting for you- he's going to be right there waiting for you.  God has him waiting.

So four days later she joined Match.com.  Her "rules" were set to somewhere like within 100 miles but some guy 1000 miles away wrote to her and guess what?  Now, over a year later, they are very much in love and they travel to see each other about every 6-8 weeks and she is looking for a job where he lives.  I've never been more happy to be right in my life.  He was just waiting for her, and he is definitely a soul mate.  I'm certain marriage is in their future, and Jen has an interesting history because she had bariatric surgery a couple years ago and lost an entire person's worth of body weight. Her path has been a challenge too and this guy loves her to the moon and back.

Joel was just here for a visit last weekend and me and my son went to dinner with them.  He wanted to meet my son because he loves kids and wants one of his own.  Last night I asked Jen how she was doing and she explained that it gets harder and harder each time they see each other and they have to part.  And she said that after Joel left this time she cried a lot.  She said, "I am so happy when I am with him.  He makes me so happy," and she said it with such feeling and sincerity, and my friend is a VERY strong independent woman.  She knows how to take care of herself.  She's a parole officer and has a Psych degree and all kinds of credentials and works with high-risk mentally ill people, etc.  She is no push over, no weak woman.  She is one strong smart cookie.

And as I listened to her soften as she spoke of her sweet boyfriend it really made me think.  She said Joel makes her happy, that she is so happy when she is with him.  And in the "spiritual" community people always rally against a statement like that because "happiness must come from within."  And I guess I understand that but really- we are so so happy when we are with the ones we love, especially the man/woman we love, our life partner, a romantic interest and mate.

So I am tired of acting like I have to be so "okay" and happy being alone without James.  I am SO tired of having other people walking this path lecture me on being happy alone, fulfilling myself, making myself happy.   I live a good life but I MISS the love of my life.  I had such a great time with him.  He made me SO fucking happy.  I was on cloud nine with him because he was perfect with me; we were perfect together.  Kissing him, holding his hand, hugging him, talking to him- all of it was the happiest time of my life.  And I am not going to pretend like I am so fucking happy without him! It's ridiculous for anyone to feel that way.  And it is frustrating to me that people lecture so often about the need to be so happy alone.

I don't need sex or physical gratification or anything like that.  I've been celibate for two years now and I am fine with that.  I don't want "sex."  I want love with my twin soul.  I want my Love back in my life.  I could care less about getting physical interaction with anyone else, ick.  I just want him.  In all ways.  Even the thought of just talking with another man makes me cringe; I don't want it.  Throughout these two years I've felt a bit put out that I'm "on hold" but suddenly now I am so not put out.  I have no desire for anyone else.  The thought of another man touching me makes me cringe. I've cut out any contact with men because none of it feels right.  I only want to talk to my twin soul, my friend.  He made me so very happy.  Our conversation was inspiring and right.  His touch tender and gentle, his heart affectionate, and his being wonderful.  Being with him made me happy, plain and simple, and being without him leaves a hole inside of me that NOTHING can fill: no hobby, no activity, no meditation, no NOTHING.  Nothing can replace him.

Hearing my friend speak of her sweet boyfriend and how much it hurts her when he has to leave, how she misses him, how he makes her happy and then she's sad when he leaves... it let me know that missing someone is normal.  It is to be expected when you love someone.

Being with him... it made me so very happy.

"Playful"

I read the word "playful" this morning and it made me think of my Love.  I always refer to him as being "joyful" when I knew him in the {very fine} flesh but the word "playful" is such a good solid reminder of him!  James reminds me of my son in his energy.  They both have a bright clear "playful" energy and that is one thing I really love about James.  His joy and playfulness.  In my past I have been more of a reserved person.  I was quiet for a long time but then I started growing out of that and now I talk a lot!  I am social now but I was not always social.  I switched from an introvert to an extrovert some time ago, probably when I started knowing the REAL me instead of believing in who I thought I was as a child.  I do love to be alone to "recharge" and I don't really love huge crowds.  I like to be in bed early!!!  I'm more of a morning person, not a night owl.  I hate clubs and those places but still I like to be social.  I'm a good conversationalist and I enjoy meeting new people and getting to know them.

Still, though, I've been reserved through much of my life, almost like I did not know how to be playful.  I was afraid to be playful, to open up, to share who I was.  What really helped me relax was having my son.  He was an instant lesson in learning how to not be so serious, to loosen up.  Anyone who had read my blog and knows of my childhood can probably understand why I grew to be a serious adult.  I was a serious child.  Growing up with fear can kinda push the playfulness and being light-hearted out of a child as it did me.  It took me having my son for me to learn how to be like a child.  So through him I am able to be like a child again, and I am!  I am taking him to Disney World for the second time in just a few weeks because I want to enjoy his childhood as much as possible not only for him but for ME.  I did not have a care-free childhood with a high concentration on joy like I am giving him, and while I am giving it to him I am also treating myself to the same sweet deal.  This is why we go to pumpkin patches all the time, parks, play centers, out to get a cookie and hot chocolate, small trips here and there, simple walks around the block, overnights at hotels with a pool... so we can PLAY and be HAPPY.

FYI I am happy.  Honestly I am.  I do miss someone from the bottom of my heart and soul so yes there is an ache here.  I am very much in love with someone who is not in my life so it can make me sad, yes.  But at the same time I also enjoy my life.  I have my "career" job but then I have my REAL job, my soul role, and that is to be a mother.  And I do my soul role to the best of my ability, and I LOVE doing it.  I love being a mother to my son.  It is the best thing I've ever personally done in my entire life, and I do it GREAT.  I am an excellent mother.  I just love being a mom.  And the plus for me is my child is highly joyful.  He is like "Curious George" the monkey- he's always got a huge smile on his face.  He bounces around.  He's highly inquisitive, always in a good mood, friendly as the day is long, does not know a stranger, everyone is his best friend, and he falls in love with life every day.  He's got enough energy for twelve monkeys, and he's my very best buddy.  He is a total blessing to my life and through him I am shown how to have fun, be playful and *finally* be the child I was not in my youth.  So I do :)

"Playful."  When I met James I noticed his silliness right away.  He's a goof ball, and I love that about him.  Not immature mind you, I know what immature is like, but instead very friendly and silly and funny.  He has a great sense of humor, always making me laugh.  He made me laugh often.  After this change happened I was so devastated because, sadly, all of that disappeared.  And one day I was working with my guidance, crying, and I said, "But he made me laugh."  And really I don't laugh enough.  My son makes me laugh, for sure.  But I don't laugh a lot.  And laughing feels so good, doesn't it?  Well James made me laugh.  He either made silly facial expressions or else he was cracking little off-handed jokes or writing me something off the wall that made me smile or laugh.  So I told my guidance, "But he made me laugh," and my guidance said, "I know, and isn't that a beautiful thing?"  And yes- it is a beautiful thing.  So when I think back to the time I spent with him, and a few times throughout this time since I last saw him, often he'd either send me something funny or share something funny or tell me a hilarious story or say something silly... just his bouncy little walk and cute smile was "playful."  Like a child.  My twin soul is like a child in the best way possible, like my son.  Loving and playful and fairly care-free.  He didn't seem to have many worries.  He is a happy guy and it showed.

It can really hurt right now because I have not been able to experience that happy guy in a while due to my own energetic blocks, doubts and worries: fear steals joy.  And I miss him, my kind loving friend, with all of my heart.  I really work at staying light-hearted myself by knowing that I am FREE to experience joy.  I am supposed to know joy and it's okay to do the things that make me feel good or bring me happiness, healthy things like going to a festival with my son or watching a comedy that makes me laugh my ass off or baking cookies with the kids.  It's okay to not really give a shit if my neighbor doesn't like that my yard is not manicured and awesome-looking like his is.  My yard, it needs to be edged.  It needs to be weeded.  There are sticks in my grass from my huge trees, and some toys because the kids play.  If this bothers my neighbor then yes, he's free to come care for my yard himself or he can get over it.  He offered to come do it himself because he said he "doesn't want to despise me" over my yard, and really- who says that?  I told him by all means it he wants to come help clean my yard, fix my fence and power wash my house- I'd be very much appreciative!  God knows I don't have the time or energy to do it myself right now.  He's young and married with no kids and has free time.  I do not have that free time at my disposal, and my yard is soooo not my priority.  So I will take it as a blessing if he does come over and help me, even if my yard is making him nuts, lol.  Thing is I am not going to use my precious free time making my yard perfect.  I am instead going to use it keeping myself and my son happy and "playful."  So I am learning when to just let shit go.  And worrying that my yard is not fulfilling the expectations of my neighbor is one of those things I am learning to let go.  Worrying about shit like that does not make me happy!  Worrying makes me feel guilty, bad and lazy when I am not bad or lazy and I should not feel guilty.  I am a busy, very busy, single working mother.  I already miss the shit out of my Love so I am really trying to live my life in a way that brings me as much personal joy as possible to balance out the sadness I feel in not having my Love in my life.  I already spend too much time behind a desk away from my child so when I am with him we do fun stuff.  And we also clean and cook and do responsible stuff that needs to be done- and there are only so many waking in hours in a day so as a mom who does it all on her own... certain things do get glossed over, and that's just the way it is.  I will take all the help I can get but I refuse to allow myself to feel badly about that :) 

I loved walking along with James holding hands.  He bounces when he walks, like Tigger.  Smiling, happy, glowing.  I miss our walks and talks, our kisses.  We'd kiss and he'd pull back and make silly faces until I laughed with him.  I have a video of him doing this, making me giggle and then he laughed.  Oh how I miss that laugh!  I miss him so much.  His playfulness was SUCH a blessing in my life.  I didn't notice until after he was gone what a breath of fresh air he was in being so silly in such a cute way.  Loving, playful and kind.  Spending time with him was fun.  Happy.  I felt so happy when I was with him because he was just fun to be with.  That joy was contagious.

As my mirror he also showed me that really I am the same way, my truth.  I am also bouncy and fun to be with, and I don't have to doubt that about myself.  I don't give myself enough credit for being an enjoyable presence myself.  People like being with me, and it's safe for me to be playful and leave behind that old "seriousness" that was ingrained in me in my past.  That's not really me.  See my parents used to tell us "You'd better walk on egg shells" which meant to be quiet and good or else we'd be hurt.  So I grew up feeling like I had to be silent, unseen, unheard, and I think I felt I was just an overall embarrassment so I tried to be invisible and I did not feel at all worthy of even being seen or heard, hence why I turned to books as my solace and I used writing to express myself, not a bad thing because now I love to write and I am a huge lover of the written word and I would not have it any other way.  But  I am a free-spirit as well, and as I get older I am embracing this about myself.  I was serious and quiet when I was afraid to be judged for who I am.  Now that I am Awakening I am learning to not mind what others think of me.  It is way more important to be MYSELF, and I am a more of a free spirit than most people realize.  I've come to realize this in the time that James has been gone.  I love color :)  I am much more of a colorful playful person than I knew in the past, unique, irreplaceable- and it's okay to own this about myself.  I saw it immediately in my twin but now I can also see it in myself.

Playful.  What a good reminder. 

Hi

This is just a little hello since I know some people out there are still checking the blog.  I hate going totally quiet.  I really only have one small update, and it's personal.  Mainly about me and my progress.

There is a song playing right now.  "Nothing's Real But Love."  So true.  Anyone who has paid attention to my blog should know that I am not meant to believe my twin soul when he's not showing me love and compassion.  My twin soul is a very loving and compassionate person; that is his truth.  I am also a loving and compassionate person.  That is MY truth but on the inside when my fear kicks up I become, in my energy and thoughts, a very mean person.  And it is not the "real" me.  It is only fear.  I might not actually send it out in 3D but the energy is there, and my twin soul is my energetic mirror.  He feels me, knows my thoughts and feelings, and he shows them to me so I can see what I need to shift and clear.  I know that I can never fully believe as truth what he sends me if he does not do so with love, understanding and compassion.  But I have to clearly see what he shows me, accept it and work to cleanse it from myself.  It is a process.  I could not see it so clearly if he did not show it to me.

A few weekends ago I had the best most blessed day ever.  My son and I did some errands.  We went second-hand shopping and I found him some great clothes at a ridiculously low price.  And he got a huge train set and was so excited.  We visited my parents for a while.  We had a nice meal together.  And on the way home I decided to stop at a park we never go to.  It is a great park, and it was an absolutely beautiful day.  I figured laundry can wait!  On such a perfect day it would be a shame to sit inside.  It was a day made for playing outside.  We walked hand in hand through the park and then he played for a while until he saw a school mate, and he was so happy to play with a new friend.  I met his friend's mother and made a new friend myself.  We talked and made plans to get the kids together, so it was a great day.

And then I saw her.  My long-time best friend, my "sister," from my youth who I have not seen in far far too long.  We keep meaning to meet up when she is in town and it never comes together and often we go years without keeping in touch yet we love each other dearly. She's had some health issues and has been coming back here to the Midwest to see her doctors, and she was recently tested for Leukemia but, praise God, it's not Leukemia.  She's starting to feel a little better but we keep missing each other and there she was, walking towards me.  I swear we ran into each others arms like two long lost lovers, crying and saying, "Oh my God I can't believe it's really you!"  I just love my Kimmy.  We agreed it was divine intervention that we saw each other because she almost didn't stop at the park with her son, and I never go to that park.  We were driving past on our way home from our errands and decided to stop because it's a great park.  I talked with my good friend for a few hours, and it was so amazing to see her and hug her!  She said she feels so good after seeing me, and it makes her love me even more, and the feeling is mutual.

So my point?  I had a blessed day all around.  My son played with his school friend all afternoon.  It was a gorgeous day.  I got his winter clothes all bought, economically.  I made a new contact with my son's friend's mom.  And I saw my old friend and was able to catch up with her.  I should have been thankful.  I should have told God "Thank you for my blessed day.  I appreciate it."  But I did not.  I went home and felt... mean inside.  I just had bad energy later about my union.  About being separated.  About the unknown, feeling like I am in limbo.

Answering an email to my friend who is a twin soul I had really crappy energy.  I basically said I don't need God.  I was pissed at God.  And before bed I did some journal writing and it was just all ego and being defensive, and I was not at all loving concerning my twin soul.  I was not kind.  I had victim-energy and I wrote something like, "And I know I am not bad enough for him to act like a beast."

Well never refer to your twin soul as a beast.  It's not fair, and it might come back at you to show you that it's not nice energy.  And it might come back at you to remind you that you are creating with your words and what do you want to create?  A beast or a prince?  Love or fear?

I woke with a word in my head, very clear.  "Hubris."  I did not know that word so I had to look up the definition.  Well, let's hope you don't wake with that word in your head, ever.  It means "arrogance, full of ego, chip on the shoulder, non-humble."  That was the definition of how I felt before I went to sleep, and I am not proud of myself or anything.  I am just sharing for those who need to see what happens when we twin souls who have strong energy use that energy towards fear and spite instead of love.  Later in the morning I found that my twin soul contacted me in the middle of the night after I'd felt all of that "hubris," shot it out to the universe and fell asleep.  And yes he acted as my mirror AGAIN.  And yes it sucked and was scary AGAIN.  I did not contact him in 3D first this time but he reached out to me in response to my energy.  I won't disrespect him by sharing what was said.  I can tell you that this time I had a different response than all the other times.  This time I was not hurt because I knew he was just being my mirror.  Yes it is frightening when it happens but I am scared of Halloween haunted houses too and I know they are not real. 

This time I saw myself very clearly. I put my head in my hands and cried because I knew that *I* did this.  Me.  I saw myself SO clearly that I immediately, out loud, apologized and begged not to see any more of myself, not then.  It was too horrible.  I was actually somewhat embarrassed to see how hard I crash into fear and ego.  And I vowed to MYSELF, and God, and Higher Self and to my poor sweet twin soul that it would be the last time.  I DO have enough strength and awareness now to choose not to fall into ego again.

So that is my goal right now.  To steer clear of allowing ego to take over my thinking, and to stay in love.  I CAN do this.  Two years ago, nope.  I had to get here to this place where I can see myself so clearly that I no longer want to see it anymore.  And I do not want to make this man have to be my fear mirror again.  It's not fair to him, at all.  I do love him, and I love him enough, honest to God, that I don't want to make him slap the shit out of me again with my own energy.

Hopefully I have been humbled a bit.  I needed it.  To be reminded that God is love, nothing less.  I am NOT doing this alone.  My energy is strong and is to be used for love, not fear.  Also I don't need to feel such fear or anger over my separation.  I can't.  I know I am loved no matter how things may appear right now.  I know this is for a purpose, and I have to accept that no matter if I don't love it right now.

I did write back, carefully.  Careful with my words and energy.  I was not really scared of him.  I was just sad that I made this happen again.  Only those who can understand where I am coming from will be able to accept this but I felt I owed him and God and Higher Self an apology, so I apologized to him.  I told him I know why he did it, and as strange as it may seem I thanked him for showing me, again, what I need to see and CLEAR once and for all.  It is all borne of fear.  My anger and spite and defensiveness comes from fear.  I am not normally an angry person but I get so afraid and so full of disbelief that I throw up my defense mechanisms, my walls of spite and anger, and that's not a good thing at all.  It's all fearful lies inside brewing, churning, and I feel so full of stubborn doubt and resentment.  And it has to stop; this is what I am being shown.  I won't ever create anything good concerning love if I continue to create this doubt-fueled energy so I have to change it, and he shows me this clearly.

I hit "send" and asked God vehemently to NOT give me a response back.  I did not want to see myself anymore at that moment.  Lord, no.  No no no.  It was not pretty, and I did not need to see anymore.  It came through loud and clear: be love, not fear.  Luckily for me God and my twin listened and there was no "back and forth."  I got what I needed already.

It is time for me to walk my talk.  Always.  So I am really working hard to be aware, loving and kind as much as humanly possible, it all ways.  In all my thoughts and intentions.  It seems to be the safest route to travel!!!  And I am cherishing my twin soul as much as I possibly can.  I am trying not to let any fearful thoughts roll in my mind.  No victim-thinking.  No concentrating on "Why me?" but instead the reasons why I love him so much, and I cherish him, and I adore him, and I hold his loving memory tight and close inside of me.  One day this way of thinking will become a habit and override ego.  That's my plan.

I pray to God to be humbled every day.  To be ONLY love.  I have asked God to go ahead and show me, hard, when there is something I need to see so I can see it fast and hard so it can be cleared.  This is what's been happening for the last two years anyway but I PRAY with all my might that this was the last time.  I do not wish for that fear-mirroring to happen again, and I don't want my twin soul to be put in that shitty position again.  I wish for him to be able to show me only love one day, but that is on me.  I know this.  I know it as strongly as I know the sweet little kisses from my own child.

After a couple of weeks of praying and writing and surrendering my defensive walls to God I had something kind of strange happen, and I am not going to explain it here.  My apologies but it's too... it does not need to be explained.  All I can say is part of me thinks I may have received the dash of hope I'd been praying {begging} for.  I've been praying for hope, for a miracle, something because yes, I am hurting.  I miss this man so much that I ache through and through.  I love him from the very bottom of my soul, and I miss his smiling face.  I miss his joyful nature, his kind sweet personality.  I miss my love and FRIEND a lot.  I may have received that dose of hope I asked for.  I'm still unsure- it was an odd experience but I really feel I received some messages from my twin soul, messages that told me to hold on.  I was totally reminded of the sweet loving goofball of a man I knew, and I'm choosing to take it as a blessing, something to show me to stay strong.  So I am being as strong as I can.

I hope you are all well and blessed.

With much love,

Jennifer

Sharing

I am popping in to share this because it's close to my journey.

I feel we are made for connection and love.  I've had to be a hermit for the last two years in order to find and heal myself, my true self.  Yet at the same time I have my close connections too.  I have people who understand me and love me unconditionally.  God has blessed me with good family and I have some close friends who adore me no matter what I do or how weird I may seem or how odd my life can appear at times.  It's a beautiful blessing to have such people in my life.

Secondly when I began writing this blog I did it because I just felt it was the right thing to do.  I started by wanting to be truly honest about my journey.  I was given knowledge and guidance from above about my experience and I wanted to share that even if I personally find it hard to apply at times.  Still I've always known it is truth so I felt inclined to share it.  Also I love my twin soul very much and my blog has always been a place where I can share my strong feelings for him but also parallel it to the happenings in my life.  I have always tried to be very HONEST on my blog.  I don't write here when I am stuck in ego because the purpose for my writing here has been to share truth, not ego-fears and doubts.  That is not to say that when I am alone, not writing on the blog, that I do not cave to quite a lot of ego-fears and doubts.  I do.  This is why I am alone right now and not with the love of my life.  Again though let me reiterate that I've always tried to be honest here.  And I've shared a LOT.  Many of my past mistake are recorded here.  Shit I wouldn't even tell my priest if I had one I've shared here.  Some people may ask, "Why do you share so much about yourself on a private blog???"  Which leads me to my last point...

It is not because I am egotistical or think what I have to say is oh so grand or exciting.  It's not because I think I am better than anyone else or because I am a "twin soul."  It is because I KNOW there are other people who experience what I did almost exactly two years ago right now.  Falling deeply, totally, head-over-heels fabulously in love with someone who suddenly left.  Who suddenly seemed to change and become... something I never expected, and it felt like I was living in a dream, one where I would wake up and it would all be back to normal again but I never woke up.

I never woke up.

And it would have killed me had I NOT had the clear guidance from above, and had I not experienced such strong cause and effect between me and my twin soul.  Only those things saved me because I knew it was for a purpose.  I trusted enough that I did not off myself out of the pain of losing someone I love as much as I love my very own child.

Also I want people to know that their "colorful" pasts do not define them.  I've done some regretful things and made some choices in my past that I'd NEVER ever dream of making today.  I've grown and changed.  Just because I've done some not-so-great-things to myself in the past doesn't mean I can't ascend past those things.  People can read my blog, see my past indiscretions and know they do not have to damn themselves.  You CAN forgive yourself and change to be a healthier more self-loving you. You can let go, really.  It's okay.  We all make mistakes.  All of us.  God knows I've made some huge ones, very personal where I put myself in positions that were simply hurtful.  I look back and just shake my head and hug myself for getting through that and knowing that I will NEVER be back there again. Thank God.  And my twin because he's helped show me the type of love I deserve so I can never ever settle for anything less than loving and respecting myself with another person.

In my life I have played the role of the victim AND the victimizeR.  I made the conscious choice to cheat on my ex-husband, the father of my child.  No the marriage was not happy, and no I don't necessarily regret my decision because it brought about much-needed change BUT my point is I made that choice.  I hurt him.  I own that choice.  I am far from perfect and I have not made the most painless or "perfect" decisions in my past.  And for the sake of authenticity I think it is only fair for me to be honest here.  I am not here to paint this perfect picture of myself.  Being "spiritual" means learning from mistakes.  Growing.  Fucking up and learning from it, and asking for forgiveness.  And I have fucked up in my past.  Cheating on my husband is in my past and I don't hold it against myself but I did hurt him and I feel badly that he was crushed by me and my actions; maybe back then I did not care so much but now that I look back I have sympathy for the pain I put him through.  My husband has now turned into my friend and he has forgiven me.  He is in a happy relationship with a kind caring woman who loves him a lot and that makes me very happy for him.  I've prayed for him a lot because I DO want him happy.  I am not happy for the pain he went through with me in the end.  I did get caught immediately because I am not a good liar at all.  Cheating did not come naturally to me, and sneaking around never felt good.  This is why today it feels SO good and healthy to be living as much of a transparent honest lifestyle as I can.  I don't like lying or sneaking around at all.  I'm not happy that my husband was hurt by me but I am happy it brought about a change that made him happier, and I had to get out of that marriage too because it was wounding me.  But I am here to say that yes, I've made choices in my past that were far from perfect.  We all do- we are human.  I never did it to hurt him.  I did it because... well, not really reasons I can express properly or that need to be expressed.  Fact is we all make mistakes, and some of us, like myself, discuss them to let others know you are not alone in making decisions that can hurt people.  I've been hurt, and I've hurt others.  And it was not my intention to hurt another human being, just like it was probably not the intention of those who have hurt me to do so either.  I am fortunate now that my son's father and I have a good relationship.  He helps me when I need help, and he is a good father to his child.  We have grown together and changed in these last two years and I realize that I am blessed because as a divorced couple who co-parent we do get along well.  I consider him to be my friend and I know he still cares about my well-being, and I care about his.  And he loves his son a lot, and that is so important in a time when too many fathers do not commit to their children.  My prayer for him is that he is very happy and content now, and that he has found the right woman for him to love and spend the rest of his life with, a woman who loves him like he needs to be loved.  I was not the one yet he did bless me with my beautiful son so we definitely had a purpose together.

As it pertains to this twin soul experience, I could not stay silent when I'd think there might be someone else out there experiencing something similar but not having the same guidance as me helping them along.  So I shared it all to help not only myself {it's cathartic and I have a sharing-soul so sharing really helps me for some reason} but I also felt that maybe sharing my story could help ease the heart of someone who might be going through a twin soul or soul mate separation, a separation inspired by self-created fears and doubts, spiritual mirroring.

It's a sensitive time for me right now.  Two years ago I was... walking on air even while harboring my own private fears about love.  But I had this sweet loving amazing new boyfriend in my life who I got to see often because he made me a priority and loved to talk to me and be around me, kissing me and loving up on me.  And it was really awesome, my dream come true.  Perfection.  He asked me if there is possibly a heaven would we be there together for eternity, could he kiss me forever in eternity?  And then two years ago tomorrow he was gone.  And he still holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances.



I hope you all are well.

XxOo

Jennifer  

Butterflies

I keep seeing butterflies everywhere.  They must have had a late start this year.  My son and I have been noticing Monarch butterflies all over when a few weeks ago there were next to none.

If you've read my blog then you know butterflies hold a lot of symbolism for me.  I was told from above that my life is like that of a butterfly- that I used to be a caterpillar crawling lower to the ground but now I was going through my transformation to "tentatively" become a butterfly so I could soar because I am more soul than human.

Later I learned that the butterfly is symbolic for soul, and that Psyche means both "soul" and "butterfly" AND the Goddess Psyche started off as a human and was made immortal after going through her very own "Hero's Journey" and twin soul union with Eros.  Psyche had to meet the love her her life, lose him and then go through a bunch of challenging personally strengthening shit like traveling to Hades to face a ton of fear in order to get her love back and then she was turned from a human into an immortal and she spent eternity with her twin soul, Eros.  After our second date I was so stunned by this adorable man who had swept into my life, this gift, that I asked to pull an angel card telling me what he was to me.  I pulled "Eros" which is the strong romantic one and only soul mate card, the one who brings lots of change and well as love.  It's all too mind-blowing for me to think about at one time.

After I met James he emailed me about a dream he'd had of me.  He said he dreamed I told him I was not really a "homo sapian" but a butterfly.  In his dream he was sad that I was not really a human after all but I told him, in the dream, that it was okay because I was going through my transformation so I could fly.  This was after I was given the message from above about transforming into a butterfly, and it was before I researched and found out that the symbolism of changing from caterpillar to butterfly is all about "Awakening" and changing from ego-based human to living more through soul, realizing finally that I am a soul having a human experience, an energy using this body to experience life.  Put it all together and it's one big ball of twin soul divine synchronicity that cannot be ignored.

I have to stop blogging now.  I've loved this twin soul experience for many different reasons.  It's changed me ten-fold.  My reactivity has been very much lowered, and that's a blessing.  I can stand up to a lot not.  Before I was exceedingly sensitive to the opinions of others and I let my feelings get hurt very quickly and much of that has been healed in me.  I am still utterly empathetic but I am not so... damn sensitive.  I'm sober, clean, and take care of myself.  I'm much stronger in so many ways.  I have looked fear in the face and said, "Okay I see you and I am trying my best not to believe you as I fight to own my truth."  It's also shown me with 10000% certainty that there is something loving out there bigger than myself, and that when I die only my body will be gone but the eternal part of me will live on forever, and that is a beautiful thing.

I am so not the same woman I was two years ago.  I am much more emotionally healed, stronger with a large increase in my self-love.

I have for the entirety of this blog defended my twin soul.  I have explained from the very start that all I saw in him was love, kindness, affection, generosity, consideration, total protectiveness of my feelings, heart and emotions, gentleness, tenderness, stability, and overall total goodness and acceptance of me, my son and my life.  He's loved me immensely.  I continue to stand by what I know is my truth.  He is my angel.  When I am mirrored- it clearly is a result of my own energy.  The cause and effect is so glaringly clear and obvious that it's almost embarrassing at times.  I am shown so clearly my own ego-fits and fear that NOW- now I have to hunker down and totally control my emotions.  I was sent an article yesterday by a well-meaning friend and one part of it spoke to me quite clearly.  It said that self-mastery is imperative to the shift in consciousness and also the ascension of the soul, and only continued self-awareness will determine this self-mastery.

I had another "episode" with my twin soul the other day.  I am not going to record it all here.  Suffice to say I was feeling rather pissy for some reason, and I should not have been because I'd had a good and blessed day.  I'd bumped into an old friend and we sat together at the park talking while our children played, and it was the most GORGEOUS day.  I also met a friend of my son from his new school, and his mother, so I made new contacts and it was just a very nice day.  I should have felt blessed and thankful but instead I was feeling very ego-based and just not nice.  I wrote later in my journal and fell, yet again, into ego.  Along with saying some not so nice things about God I also said kind of spitefully that I know I am not so bad of a person that my twin soul would act like such a *blank* and in that blank was not a very nice word.  Three hours later he contacted me, and you can imagine it was not pretty.  The timing cannot be ignored. 

I should know better.  First of all my twin soul does not deserve that from me.  Not at all.  He deserves for me to energetically send him LOVE instead of me talking shit.  It's ALL ego.  It is NOT increased self-awareness, and it is not self-mastery.  At this point in my journey I have to grow the fuck up and stop allowing my ego to take over.  There DOES come a time when we can no longer allow ourselves the "slack" to keep repeating the same negative energy over and over again.  That time for me is now.

I am meant, at this phase of my journey, to be impeccably aware of my thoughts and emotions, and I know that sounds challenging, or to some of us it might not even sound fair but it is what it is.  My thoughts and emotions CREATE my existence and I believe they also affect the energy around me, the energy of the collective for ascension, so they need to be strong, positive, loving and full of goodness.  I have a spiritual responsibility to clean up my mind.  I've come to finally, begrudginly, believe that I must have an old soul inside of me, and she is a powerful one.  And she is creating very quickly based on MY thoughts, intentions, emotions, etc.  So I MUST grasp this self-mastery.  I have to.

And I love this man.  So much.  He's shown me so much.  He's been through this with me no matter where he is right now.  I am thankful to him for doing this with me.  He deserves, at the very least, for me to know his truth and love inside and out.  And to do that I have to go very personal and quiet now.

I love my twin soul union but I am tired of talking about it. I've said all I can.  If anyone needs to find my experience then they will find it because it is all right here.  I've enjoyed sharing my journey, and I hope I've followed my soul in writing it out in such detail.  I feel it brings solace to those who are meant to find it, who need to know what they are experiencing is REAL and true.  My hope is my words and thoughts will be a balm for those who need affirmation, hope and some reassurance.

Honestly all I want now is to control my emotions, find increased self-awareness, love myself and my twin, and yes- barring anything I've shared here- I still want him in my life as my husband and my soul love.  As my son's loving step-daddy and as the father of my next child.  I still believe he is my destiny, and I love him with all of my heart.  He is precious to me and I cherish him.  I want to only create goodness in my life now, goodness and love.  I miss James to the depths of my soul and I know one day he is meant to be in my arms again.  Know, though, I love him no matter what.  I love him unconditionally, and I will forever.

If you'd like to say hello, email me or comment and I'll respond but for now I seriously do need and want to go inner.  It's the only way I'm ever going to reunite, and I really want to.  I wish you all the best.  Stay patient with yourself and love your twin souls.

Much love to you all.  May we all become butterflies soon :)

Jennifer