A Fear Day: Unmask

I'm having a fearful ego-based time of it right now where I am tempted to see this situation only from the 3D.  I feel crazy like none of this is real... and that I've been rejected, abandoned, left behind and I am not a priority at all.  I feel like everything in his life comes before me, and I am not even important enough to shoot out an email that has any depth or emotion to it.  He's so almost deliberately blase' and casual and the words of those around me are echoing in my mind, "He's crazy... he's manipulating you... he's a sadist... he doesn't care..."  I hate these moments with a passion and I am working hard to fight through it so the badness does not suck me down.  Instead of allowing fear to take me down I'm reminded of how Joron has helped show me I am supposed to drop my masks and not be worried about being judged for my past, and it is my past that tempts me to feel like I am less when the truth is I am memorable.  I am unforgettable.  I am one to be cherished.

I am a priority.  I AM A PRIORITY.

I dated this guy once, just for a brief period.  It was right after I separated from my husband and I absolutely did not need to be in a relationship with someone that could have ended in getting serious.  I had a lot of healing to do yet.  After a few dates I made the mistake of admitting to him that I'd had an affair at the end of my marriage.  I don't know why I told him.  Guilt?  Fear?  Spirit-inspired?  I was afraid he'd find out in the end and judge me... well, I got that "judging" me worry out of the way immediately because he judged the HELL out of me.  He was attractive, nice to be around, a good dad, solid and stable, intelligent and a hard worker.  I really wanted to date him, get to know him better.  We slept together and, lol, afterwards he told me very honestly that he "felt no connection with me."  I was heartbroken.  It didn't go much farther, and oddly enough when I look back at it the whole situation reeked of a karmic connection.  I never felt comfortable with him just I was attracted to him.  I learned a lot in that short time span.  Somehow being with him pushed a lot of shit out of me.

After him I ended up "spending time with" a married man.  Call me what you will but I needed to learn lessons, some the hard way, and I couldn't be with someone "available" because I was not supposed to marry any of my "catalysts" {and I would have had the situation been possible for marriage.}  I was supposed to get love, some tough love, and healing from them but it was not meant for marriage.  I was also supposed to learn how to grow in my healing and self-respect to know when to walk away from a situation that was less than I deserved.  This was about a year long and WOAH did we go through a lot together. I learned a ton about unconditional love from knowing him because I was forced to love someone wholly and fully while knowing he'd never be mine.  We had signs and synchs enough to where I knew he was soul-based but in the end I knew that while he loved me and was terribly unhappy in his marriage he would not make any change to his life circumstances, and the last thing I wanted was for him to leave for ME.  He needed to leave for him, and he was not going to.  It had to end for us, and my guidance pushed me to end it before I turned 40- which I did and it was extremely hard... but I made that break and told him NEVER AGAIN.  And I meant it.  I also meant it when I told him I wished for he and his wife to heal and be extremely stupidly wonderfully happy together.  I told him to take what he learned from me {he had ED when we met and I kinda worked him through feeling like a man again} and to make good hard love to his wife, to get close with her.  Date her, talk to her, seduce her, love her and commit 110% to making it work for himself, her and his family.  I am not sure if he's done this... he's wandered back my way a few times and I've had to push his energy back where it belongs, and that ain't with me.  I will NEVER be with someone again who is committed to someone else.  That time in my life has come and gone.  I'd much rather be alone than sharing myself with a man who goes home to his wife.  Pretty plain and simple.  I'd much rather stay single and wait for my twin than be with anyone who will feel like less.

Then weeks later Joron breezed into my life, and you already know that story.  Let's talk about MASKS for a moment.  I put on my mask with him immediately.  I fell into that fear that he'd find out I cheated and judge me {obviously was an issue for me.}  I wanted him to think I was sweet and innocent and pure and wonderful... when in actuality I'd went through a Hellish Dark Night of The Soul where I acted completely opposite the woman I'd known for the first 38 years of my life.  I know I had to go through those dark times in order to reach the light but part of me feels badly for that woman, and I often just like to think of who I was before and who I am now- and I am no longer that person who sank to such depths of self-hatred.  BUT- that does not mean I am not now sweet and pure and wonderful.  Innocent?  Probably not, lol.  But my life has been pretty well transformed and I don't need to feel shame for where I have been.  There was that initial mind-reading moment where he dreamed of me hiding something from him, and that very night he sat next to me and as I was thinking of the affair he looked at me and said, "Did you ever cheat on your husband?"  He gave me the opportunity to tell the truth and he did not judge me one bit.  Never has.  And then he asked me recently if I'd ever had a one night stand, and I have and I dislike that I did.  It's not the "real" me- it is the wounded, badly in need of being healed old me.  I lied that time.  I was too embarrassed to admit it to him- and I momentarily forgot that when it comes to soul you CANNOT lie {shouldn't lie at all actually} and I told him no.

I've since told him that yes I did have a one night stand and I am not proud of it.  For some it is okay; for a soft, tender empathetic emotional soul like me- a one night stand does NOTHING but make me feel disgusting and lacking- it was *not* a good experience, and it was of soul.  I was being shown something that night.  And I explained this to Joron when we talked recently.   I took off my "perfection" mask with him.  He let me.  He wanted me too.  It felt fabulous.  I explained that it wasn't who I really am but I'd had some bad moments after feeling so rejected by my husband.  Again no judgment.  What he said later was that he was so happy I'd waited to make love with him because it showed him that I'm special and that I thought he was special.  He made me feel all shiny and new again after... these three years of at times feeling like I was living in Hell on earth.  It's like he reached inside my heart and took the raw and beaten lumber there and chose to build a temple instead of the tavern I used to feel I was... and my heart just melts to think of how sweet he is.  We are special.  It's like he's this balm for my soul when we talk.  He lets me take off my masks and be who I am- the messy, imperfect, mistake-making, wounded and being-healed ME.  He's not judging me, and he's forgiven some crazy shit we've been through.  I'd wondered if he loved me unconditionally- and I know he does.  He said we love each other enough to get through it...

I know I am being pushed through my insecurities but sometimes it gets really scary.  I miss my friend, my love and my soul mate.  I hate the quiet when I know it's for a purpose.  Sometimes I feel exhausted trying to believe believe believe yet I know it's all true.  He loves me and is still forcing me to face my shit.

Mirror mirror on the wall... it's past time to let all the masks fall.