As I sit here reminiscing on my past, long ago and very recent, I am struck with how differently I view the world now than I did then. Every day I seem to learn something new, gain some kind of insight or achieve a more transparent clarity. I used to be one who roared about how I was in charge of my Destiny. Free Will meant a lot to me- no one was going to control me. I didn't give God much credit although I've always believed in a "Divine Creator." Just over the years my idea of God has vastly greatly HUGELY transformed itself. I used to think of "God" as one being, more male than not, and more... stern and authoritarian, like a parental figure. I associated God with discipline... and the discipline I received as a child was not pretty so deeply ingrained in me was this idea that if I was not "good" God was going to get me.
Now I see God so so differently. I don't really even prefer to use the term "God" to speak of Spirit. God holds too much negative connotation. Fall in love with an Atheist and begin reading what some people think of this "God" we who are going through twin soul unions have come to know. People out there have very warped fundamental Christian ideas of who, what, God is- and they are all wrong. My Atheist boyfriend calls God a Sky Daddy. A Cosmic judge of right and wrong, a divine disciplinarian set to smite us. It is sad really.
But in some ways my Atheist boyfriend is not too far off, and hear me out. This is where I am going to seem really really strange, and many of you will disagree with me, and that's okay. I can handle it. Joron, my Atheist science trip boyfriend, did something very strange the other day, and I can't get it out of my mind. During our last phone conversation when I asked him if he loved me he said, "Yes as much as one can when only knowing a person for two months." As I explained in my other post, that stung a bit. Then the next morning when I woke up I specifically talked to "God" about Joron's love and the way we "used to be." I said, so right on point, that I wished we could go back to the time when he would always say good morning, greet me at the beginning of my day. I so wish that man was my "real" boyfriend again.. but that good morning greeting was specifically on my mind. What else was on my mind was this idea of just how much does he love me? His love for me is important to me- it's all part of my lesson, to own his love despite this distance, quiet, and through any adversity.
What I find super duper odd is how he "heard" me and answered. He very soon wrote to me, and this was 5:30 AM his time when he so totally should have been sleeping, sent me the good morning text message. Now here is the thing- we rarely text any more. It is all email. It's as if text is just too "close" or too accessible or too intimate right now. Email has some type of distance to it that Spirit is using. Only in the rarest, and oddest, of moments does Joron text me now- and I know this is to make the text communication as poignant as possible, it's a Spirit thing. So he rarely texts me, and he hasn't said good morning in ages but suddenly in response to my questioning and my talking to God he shoots me this: "Have a wonderful day my princess. I love you with all of my heart."
That is just too... lovingly strange. I have been tussled over this because, and oh I am just going to say it and be out with it, it shows me just how much Spirit is in control. I am not kidding. Spirit sent me that message through Joron. It was a direct response to my thoughts and my state of mind. His soul clearly came through to him and somehow communicated to him what to say to me. I am not saying he didn't mean it- he does love me, this I know. But Spirit wanted me to notice how odd {and loving} it was. It was so "in my face." With my growing awareness I can see how specific it is, how my thoughts are being answered- how careful I am being lead to be in my thoughts, emotions and intentions. I am telling you what- this entire situation is orchestrated by soul. When my Atheist boyfriend called God a "Cosmic Puppeteer" I corrected him and told him God does not really interfere in our lives. Bwah ha ha! How little I knew before this twin soul union. I am not saying that God controls us- we can choose to go against our souls but man does The Divine guide us toward our Destiny in any way possible. Soul is essentially a small "slice" of God in each and every one of us... so God=soul=that energy which guides us and channels through all of us in order for us to be instruments of healing and lessons of The Divine. Joron, the 3D version of him, had no idea I was bothered with those thoughts the other morning, some fears and longing. It was all in my mind and heart yet he directly responded to it. That still fucking amazes me.
When he goes silent on me I fucking hate it. And I mean I HATE it. Sometimes in the past I have sat here and Mother Fucked my soul, The Divine, and Joron {rarely Joron} for the silence. I get so mad that I've thrown shit. I get mad because I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I so desperately want to be in control. I want to shoot him off a naughty ass picture, knowing how much he loves my booty, to try and seduce him but I know if the timing is not right then I will get utterly no response. If the timing is right, if he is "on," then he will lose his fucking mind if I were to send him a simple shot of just me in my undies. He is SO hot and cold that it's either pathological or Divine. Knowing him like I did {he'd as hot-blooded as I am when it comes to sex} then I know it's Divine. My sister says she thinks he's getting some sex so at times he's into me and other times he is not... but you know when you just know? He always ALWAYS shows his respect for monogamy. He likes, insists upon, being a one-woman man. If he were seeing someone else he'd tell me, and he's adamantly told me that he's been alone, celibate, since we parted and I believe him totally. His hot and cold is of Spirit and it leads me to wonder certain things about people, about soul. About those people we have strong soul connections with, and even those we don't. We are all souls inside these human vessels, and I am beginning to wonder if we truly ARE more soul than human.
In moments when my ego tortures me I run the gamut of my fears: is this of the devil? is he fucking someone else? is he married? is he pathological? did he care so little about me that he left in a day and just didn't care? did he desert me because I mean so little to him? is he just an asshole scientist? is he is he is he... and then I remember that had he not left me, not *seemingly* jilted, abandoned, rejected me, then I'd still be smoking and throwing back the whiskey, all fearful and not healed- and I'd be getting closer an closer to full-blown unavoidable alcoholism. I remind myself had he not left, had the silence not ensued, then I would never have been shown these signs of The Divine. I would not have this God damn painful fucking amazing experience that has shown me once and for all that GOD IS REAL. Man it sucks how it has to happen sometimes- but there is no denying it. This shit is really happening, and I know the man loves me.
Remember that my guidance told me before meeting Joron that I am more soul than human. I was told I am more soul than human and my life is like that of a butterfly. Then I met Joron and he told me he dreamed of me. In the dream I told him I was not human, or "homo sapian" as my adorable science trip boyfriend referred to it, but instead I told him in the dream I was a butterfly... and the word "psyche" means both soul and butterfly so quite obviously as it pertains to me butterfly is representational of soul. My guidance told me I am more soul than human, and I am sure this is the same for others too.
So here is my point. I really am beginning to believe and notice that we are so much more soul than human. Some of us have much stronger egos and I think this blocks some soul communication. Others have quieter egos by nature, less stubborn, and soul shines through more easily. But I do think all of us channel soul, and it is not always pretty. Either I am losing my mind, going crazy, or else I can look around my world and see people who challenge me- and I know it is soul pushing me to own my truth and get stronger. Like when my sister was screaming at me the other day. I know she is a channel for Spirit, and I am being tested in many ways to own my truth and to see just how objective and unconditional I can be in my love and understanding about life. I am also pushed to see just how strongly I will hold on to this love. I know it, and there is no one out there who can persuade me differently. I haven't even talked about the old strong love connection that is moving back to my hometown area, and for the first time in both of our lives we are both single... oh yeah. Life is interesting. Is he meant to be something to me? If so he'll come closer. As for now I've told God I want to hold out for Joron. If Joron is not the one for me then God will clearly have to show me with one of those insane soul nudges that I cannot resist.
Imagine if we looked at the world through different totally ego-less eyes, where the opinion of another person meant literally NOTHING to us except to be a mirror. My father once told me that "It's not your fucking business what another person thinks of you." This is SO true. Just so so true. What if we looked at each and every person in life as someone meant to be a mirror, teach a lesson, or just reflect love back to us? If every time you had a disagreement with another person you were able to look at that and know he/she was being used by Spirit to teach you something about yourself- well then you'd be able to forgive pretty much anyone.
This is not to say there is no badness in the world but I believe that very very often many people in our lives are "worked" by Spirit from time to time. Not always. Not "puppets" but I see it. My friend who has not dated in years recently went through weight loss surgery and she lost an entire male-sized body size from herself. She is not a believer, and she can act stern and jaded. I warned her... the moment she attempts to date, and I advised her it should be soon, she would meet a soul mate because God is ready to start healing her. And what happened? On a whim she joined Match.com and BAM holy SHIT did she get slammed with a strong soul mate. No doubt about it, and even she Miss Denier Extraordinaire cannot explain the connection. I pray this man is a gentle lesson, a loving experience... maybe even "the one" she can settle down with and be entirely happy with because my friend is a strong soul, a loving woman with a kind heart and she has been through a lifetime of pain and suffering. She deserves to be happy. I am here for her to advise her about the soul mate dynamic, to help her understand that it's not "just" a human man she's dealing with but a gift from God, a soul she contracted with before birth to help her once she was here on earth. But oh my word is he a mirror for her, and it is so clear to me. Undeniable, and it helps to affirm my belief and faith in what is happening in my world as my reality is shifting.
I guess what I am saying is I am seeing so clearly how soul works in our lives, and it is strong. My ego still flares up when I do not hear from Joron. I get mad and upset and think that I am not a priority to him, that yes he is just selfish and only contacts me when he's bored or when it is convenient. That I am an afterthought. That it is all him him him... ego him. Human him. And it is not. His soul... our soul? Are we truly one soul? Does this super strong soul energy that guides my life also guide him? Because if so, if he is "nudged" by the same energy that guides me... then it should be no surprise that he goes silent, and that I am pushed through his silences. I don't like it but I believe it. I know deep down inside that I may as well just give it up because he ain't coming back until Spirit wants him to, and I don't know why or when that is. I miss him. I want him in my arms. And tonight I broke down and wrote him a novel of everything inside of me, all good. All loving, some highly x-rated. I have no idea if it was what I was "supposed" to do or not. He might ignore it.... but I had to get it out of me, and I couldn't just blog it or journal it. I know his response will be whatever he feels mixed with whatever Spirit allows right now.
His good morning a few days ago was just too weird. I am happy to have it but for some reason it tells me that soul is wayyyyyy in control of this situation. I should be able to just relax and go with it but not hearing from him, aching for the same type of relationship before and not getting it, is not easy to let go of. Yet I am being shown that in my case- to push the issue is a total moot point! I am walking through life now realizing that people act in ways they do because often they are supposed to, and we are not to resent or hate them for it. Sometimes they love us when we need to be loved. Sometimes they scare us when we need to be scared and face our fears. People push our buttons because there is a soul inside them that is trying to show us something, and it would be a disservice to get angry and judge someone for teaching a soul lesson.
I know it sounds odd. I do. Not many people on this earthly plane would be able to handle such information, and again this is just my own observations as I go through life seeing what I see through clearer eyes. I am not claiming it is be all end all truth. But it is becoming MY truth. And this is why we are meant to love everyone, especially ourselves and our twin souls, unconditionally- because we do what we do as little slices of God. We are often driven to do acts, even painful ones, through The Divine. Man- after I had my first affair and got caught I told God I would be on my best behavior. I went to church and prayed my ASS off to be strong and committed. I told God to please heal my marriage. I told God I would stay married even if I was miserable. I told God I was going to make it work, not even seek love or affection and if I wasn't going to get it from my husband then I would live without it.
And guess what happened? The Divine had other plans and very soon afterwards I met yet ANOTHER married man while I was married. *deep sigh* To some I would seem to be a whorish, weak woman who needed love and attention in order to survive. But no- I was there praying and meditating and on my knees begging God to keep me "pure" and good and right and... holy shit the ENERGY I felt towards this other man was like a magnet. Believe me when I say I KNOW what a "soul nudge" feels like. I got hit with it hard. It was almost... out of my control. No excuses here. I could have said no. I tried so hard... but I went to him, and it was again a most beautiful experience that I cherish to this day. But it was not something I wanted. I wanted to be faithful and honest and kind to my husband. I wanted our marriage to work.
And God said no.
I think that Destiny plays a big role in our lives. I think we have end results {not just one but multiple} waiting for us and soul works all our lives to get us there, and soul works through people way more than we know, in good times and in bad. Long successful marriages are of soul- but people who stay together while miserable and force it for years... maybe they do not listen to soul. Affairs are often of soul; I know this- I am the walking poster child of learning through love, and this can mean love while married to another because soul does not concern itself with human "morals" or laws- but it does concern itself with personal growth, love and emotion.
Just try and be very aware of the people you meet and interact with in life. See if you notice what I am saying here. I am beginning to think that soul works around us way more often than we realize. I see this in my twin soul, and I see it in others around me- like my sister. Honestly it's a real eye-opener that allows me to be as non-judgmental and loving as possible. Hell I am not perfect but I am trying, as we all are.
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