I'm reading a blog from a very eloquent woman, www.awakenedqueen.com. She speaks of how she was the runner and her words bring up a lot of emotion and thoughts inside me that I want to share here.
When I met my love, on our second date, he took my hand and joyfully said, "I don't want to scare you or anything but I really love being in love. I am ready to be in love again; being in love is great." He never seemed to have any fear over our fast growing relationship, and he was super duper open and loving. Joron wears his heart on his sleeve, majorly on his sleeve. He is the most expressive man I know. He always told me how much he loved me, how happy he was that he met me, how lucky he was that I was his girlfriend. H recognized that our connection was unique. He told me he wanted a life with me, and when he is "on" during this separation he tells me the same thing: I love you, I miss you, I desire you and I want a future with you. Then I FREAK out inside, begin to doubt and fear and worry that my dreams are being dangled in front of my face like a carrot only to be yanked away so my heart can be crushed over, and over and over again- like The Divine just wants to hurt me... and I'll be damned if every time I do this, lose it inside, he leaves again. Emotionally I feel him pull away, and it doesn't matter if my 3D words are perfect. Soul ensures that he feels my angst, and he responds to it by going quiet.
I am afraid to hope, dream, wish and surrender that last little bit inside of me that sees EVERY sign, hears every song, feels every feeling and gets every message that says: THIS MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FUTURE, YOUR ONE AND ONLY, YOUR HUSBAND. I am afraid because I don't want to want something so so much and then not got it, be hurt again. Disappointment. When I feel this way, when I block, Joron then gets pushed away from me. I've watched it happen over and over again during this separation.
He seemed balanced when he was here, and he is SO happy and high-vibration. Not scared. Not overwhelmed. The biggest issue was that he knew he wanted to move back to CA and he didn't know how that would work but we talked it out, said we would make it happen. Then suddenly he got the job offer that took him 2100 miles away, and two weeks later he "shut off." He ran. He seemingly became the stereotypical "runner" in that he shut me out, shut up and refused to budge for a few weeks until little by little this strange "dance" was shown to me.
So what is tussling me? Inside *I* felt like the runner. As I read Awakened Queen's website I realize I am the one who felt all the runner sensations. Fear of abandonment, fear of being left behind, fear of rejection... just FEAR in general. I had to clear so much fucking FEAR from me through knowing him, my God! I am ashamed to admit this but when I first met Joron it was SO perfect, so wonderful, so magical, so... just everything I'd ever wanted that I feared the devil brought him to me to somehow "test" me. His Atheism gave me slight irrational fear and I wondered: is God testing my loyalty by bringing me an Atheist? Am I supposed to turn him away, say no, run? What's happening here? Why is he so perfect, so loving, so kind... why does he love me so much? If he loves me this much {in my still momentarily fucked up state of mind} then it must be a test or else it's of the darkness. I was scared shitless when I first met Joron. I exhibited every emotional sign of being a runner yet I didn't want to be without him. I fought against being codependent... but I wasn't fully healed. I had achieved growth already, and I fought against old bad habits, but certain ones needed to be healed, like the secret drinking and MAJOR fearing. My drinking and then also smoking were my crutches to momentarily push the fear to the side, to escape into a vice.
Once I gave into the love {and my mentor and dear friend slapped my ass into shape over my fears of the darkness by reminding me that this man had treated me better than most people in my life, with love and compassion, and I needed a hard wake up call before I ruined it with irrational fears of tests and evil} I then became fearful that he would leave me. I fretted inside constantly that I would lose this man. I just knew something so good would not remain in my life, too good to be true is how he felt to me. I put on a happy face but inside I suffered. I questioned. I worried.
And he left. Then he ran. But he never really exhibited the signs of emotionally being "the runner." I did. Now God has shown me that my energy is and will be constantly mirrored back to me by my Twin Soul, and I honestly feel like *I* am the one who caused him to run. My overwhelming fear, desperation, worry, anxiety... all of that hit him so hard and BOOM off he went, and I do believe it was predestined to happen because I desperately needed to heal.
So I'm sitting here ruminating- can the energy of "The Stayer" push "The Runner" to run? I think so. I kinda know so; it's happened in my situation. I was not the one who ran off but I feel my energy really shut him down. Well, my belief is soul knew it was time for me to heal so Joron was shut off to me via soul to force my healing process to begin. So again, while he exhibits the signs of being a runner it's always in reflection to my strong fear-energy. Once I calm down, so does he and he always comes right back to me. Then I fear and off he goes again, and now I see it and am trying to stay balanced, and hopeful, to see what happens. He and I have such a strong connection, unconditional love and major romantic passion together- we are perfect for each other in every way, and I feel in my heart we are meant to be reunited.
So just a thought- in some cases can we redefine this runner-chaser/stayer dynamic? Do they, sometimes, run because the one who is left behind pushed them away? I really think this is what happened in my case. No- I know it is. Two weeks before Joron "shut off" he told me, "I need reassurance that I'm not going to lose you. I love you," and my energy got more and more frantic until he bolted. Part of my lesson is to trust in his love- and do you have just any idea how scary that is for me because it means I have to fully trust in God and love and this man based solely on the faith that Joron is who he says he is, loves me like he says he does- all from 2100 miles away? But I do know he loves me. I can feel it, and I know he is helping me to continue my Awakening. I just can't see it any other way.
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