Do You Believe in Love? I do.

The other day I heard Huey Lewis and The News "Do You Believe in Love?" while driving to work and although I've heard the song plenty of times over the years this time was that "special" time that happens when Spirit wants me to really listen to a song.  I knew it was a message asking me, "Hey Rose- do you believe?  Really believe?  Do you believe in his love for you?  Has he proved it enough?  Will you let the silence kill the love?  Are you going to forget that he agreed to go in your back pack for a reason and you PROMISED not to forget who he truly is?"  Or maybe it was Joron himself speaking to me through the song, imploring me to please please please believe in his love. Joron and 80s music go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly or like me and him {two peas in a pod.}  He listens to 80s music often and he likes to send me 80s songs.  As a matter of fact when we began coming back together a couple months ago, back when for just a moment I allowed myself to believe in something other than my fears, he sent me a link to the song "You're My Obsession" at 3AM telling me he couldn't sleep because he was thinking of me, listening to that song over and over... and he told me, "You are my obsession Rose."  I think back to that moment and I wonder why all this time I never allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief in knowing the man truly does love me?  Why?  Why do we doubt love so?  Here are some things I know from the bottom of my heart with an inner knowing I've been afraid to embrace because we live our 3D lives believing a certain way and it's hard to break out of that mold.

1. I know that our meeting was divinely planned and truly magical and I wouldn't change a thing about meeting him.
2. I know that he is very psychic and "vulnerable" to the workings of soul even though he has no idea this is happening to him.
3. I know that when my guidance told me my life is like that of a butterfly, that I am more soul than human, and I was going through my stages of transforming from a lowly blind grounded caterpillar so I could undergo my metamorphosis into a butterfly that the whole analogy reflected my Enlightenment.  The darkness of the cocoon has been this time separated from Joron where I've fought for purity, healing and BELIEF in not only what was happening to me but also belief in his voracious and vulnerable love for me.
4. I know that a week into our dating when he so giddily sent me his dream about me telling him I was not truly a "homo sapien" but a butterfly... that in the dream he was sad I wasn't human but I told him it was okay- I was transforming into a butterfly so I could fly... I should have paid closer attention to the magic that was unfolding before my very eyes because Joron was trying to tell me that it was time for me to wake up, be healed and own my Divinity.
5. I know that when he had the next dream that signified the angst I felt over my affair, worried that he would find out and judge me, and then he came over with that bag of chocolates that were the same bag my first soul mate brought me... and he plopped down on my couch, looked at me and asked, "Have you ever cheated on your husband?" that he was, through Spirit, showing me it was okay to be honest and purge my fears- he would love me anyway.  I told him about it and he understood, accepted me readily flaws and all.
6. I know the he loves me completely and unconditionally no matter how quiet he becomes.
7. I know that we both felt "it" before he got pulled away to CA.  I also know his heart was broken but as always he automatically listened to Spirit, got on that plane and signed the contract.  He also sent me the strangest "tussling with my fears" initial email explaining the situation to me, and now I can go back and see where my fears were being poked from the very beginning... and all along thee entire scenario from beginning to end has been difficult on my poor twin soul.  Joron did not want to leave me.  I feel bad that I doubted his tears when he told me he'd been crying.  I feel terrible that all I did was doubt doubt doubt his enormously HUGE overwhelming love for me, and I wish I would have seen... realized just how ridiculous it was for me to think he could so easily walk away from me.  How I overlooked his suffering when he left.
8. I know I was given his initial email that he was leaving while I was in the middle of a training workshop because it forced me to be strong and I also had to wait to respond.  I couldn't flip out immediately, reactive, which could have hurt the situation.  I was given time to ruminate and settle just a bit so I didn't kill the union with my fear which was OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS because something told me "This can't be real.  Something strange is happening here.  It's like my worst fears are coming true... he's leaving me."
9. I know that when he told me he wants to be my husband and father of my child, that he craves to kiss me every night and wake to me every morning, that he means it- even now.  Very much.  He wants to marry me and have a family... I just have to reach that place of healing where we can reunite.
10. Oh GOD I know that he is a gift to me so I could face my fears and be done with them already!  I was dying inside from the fear of being left behind.  I was plagued Every. Single. Moment. that any minute he'd realize he no longer loved me, that I wasn't worth it, that being away made it too difficult, that not being able to touch me or have sex with me or have his needs fulfilled would get too tedious... that the trade off wouldn't be enough and he'd drop me.  I stressed and I tried to fake it and keep it all in and finally I caved, purged my fears to him and Spirit said "BAM the time for separation is NOW."  I got upset... got drunk and he disappeared.  And it seemed at the time that I was living in a nightmare... a bad dream where my largest hungriest most disgusting monster followed me from my dreams to my waking life, drooling and ravenous just dying to eat me up.  
11. I knew even then that something strange was happening, the situation too unbelievable to be real, but I was too blinded by fear to accept anything other than "He's left me.  I knew it.  I'm so forgettable... even he, the love of my life, has found it easy to walk away from me..."
12. I know his love for me is a willing love, orchestrated from his heart.  I know the quiet is because he is vulnerable to the workings of soul which keeps him quiet because the "ignoring" has served the purpose of forcing my fears from me so they could be faced down and killed already.
13. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this man adores me on every level.  

To my dear one... I know you love me.  It's very obvious when we talk, when the veil is lifted and your true love shines through, that you adore everything about me in a way no other man has, and I appreciate it more than you know.  I am so sorry we have had to go through this, and I'd love for it to end soon.  All along from the beginning back in November when I was learning all my hard lessons, lessons that had to roll over into last week for me to see them and know them for what they are, life-stealing vices and fears that had to come to a brutal and final end, you have wanted to come back and see me.  Over and over through these months you have popped through and spoke about needing to see me.  Wanting to hold me.  Thinking of my kisses... and I doubted.  I worried.  I fretted.  Never once did you say those four dreaded words that I won't even write here but you know what they are and it was never meant to be, never my lesson.  My lesson was to OWN the love, embrace the gift that is your love.

I realize how ridiculous it is to think you could have really just walked away like it seemed you did at first.  Deep inside I was tussled.  I felt something wasn't quite right but by all appearances you were gone yet it didn't feel right.  Something screamed out to me, "This can't possibly be real- this beautiful soul I've grown to know and love couldn't have just left me... he loves me."  God Joron it never felt REAL to me, your quiet.  Never!  It always felt fabricated or faked somehow, forced.  Even your clipped strange cold-sounding messages, the ones used to inspire growth within me due to wanting to escape the cold, they always felt forced.  The REAL you are your warm compassionate words.  I can easily see the difference although at first it was terrifying.  I wondered what had happened to you.  Now I understand.  None of it was real... none of the falsity.  Only the love you showed me along the way since this all began has been your true heart.

My love... I know I was not jilted by you, not abandoned or left behind.  Not forgotten or rejected or kicked to the curb.  No.  You are my twin soul and we are connected on every level.  You have shown me through the separation and silence that The Divine is real.  Our soul connection, the intense proof of it from 2100 miles away, has been miraculous for me.  The signs are everywhere- I have an entire collection of songs that I know are from you, and for the record- yes.  I do believe in love, our love.  Your love.

A few months back while talking you anxiously said, "I feel like I might lose you."  I don't want to lose you.  I refuse to be so afraid that I shit all over the love you have for me.  Yes it's otherworldly, no I didn't expect it and YES sometimes this twin soul situation can make a woman wonder if she is losing her mind but at the end of the day I know one thing is true: you love me fully and your love is a gift.  Without you making the choice to strongly listen to your soul in "shutting off" to me I would never have been able to see the signs.  Your roundabout "messages" to me when Spirit nudges you after I drink... I would never have been able to read those messages and I'd still be drinking, getting worse and worse and oh doll I was so tired of drinking so much, waking hung over and in fear, feeling so out of control.  I needed you to be my twin and run from me so I could see.  As my soul says, "Not seeing means repeating."  I do NOT want to repeat my lessons any longer.  The train stops here.  No more learning from fear and pain.  From this moment on I will ONLY learn through LOVE.  I know you miss me.  I know you long for me.  You ache for me just as I ache for you... and oh do I ache for you.

And my energy.  I ignored it.  Shit all over that for a long time despite all the urgings from Spirit to do otherwise.  I have been stubborn in my healing but not because I've wanted to be.  I get fearful and then my ego-walls kick in.  I throw those protective layers of stubborn free will up and I block out all my guidance, and my belief in your love.  I fuss and fight and deny and suffer while all along you've been trying to get through to me.  I am a Lightworker,  So are you- my beautiful joyful bright shining Light of a twin soul and... boyfriend.  I loved being your girlfriend.  You told me all the time how happy you were to be my boyfriend and you know I've never forgotten that.

"Train Kiss."  I passed those tracks today and thought of you.  Your wonderfully deep passionate loving tender kisses.  I asked for a gentle man and I got one.  You are so kind and loving and soft... perfect for me, just like me!  I asked God to bring me a man who loved like I do... and how funny but I was brought you.  You and I- we are so much alike aren't we?  Thank you for holding on to me dear and never letting me go.  I know this has not been easy.  I can look back now through our emails these last months and see the underlying energy, the secondary messages, in many of them.  You told me our love would take sacrifice and Joron- my love- I see your sacrifice.  You have stayed single for me, loyal and faithful while I work on releasing my monsters.  You have waited for me.  Cherished me.  Kept in contact with me. When I reach out to you... you answer me.  You listen to your soul SO much better than I do, more readily!  You've reassured me when I needed it most, and to be honest with you... you must be one Hell of a Lightworker because I've never met someone who can channel Spirit through themselves like you can.  You amaze me.

"I want to love you."  I remember those words from you when we dated.  I wondered back then whatever in the world you meant because you'd just spend an hour telling me that you'd fallen in love with me... but you seemed worried.  Anxious, like you might hurt me and I could not for the life of me figure out why since you were the sweetest most loving teddy bear of a man I'd ever met.  But you knew didn't you?  You felt it, and you were telling me back then for now, "I want to love you."  Well I know you love me so it's okay.  I am not going anywhere.  I love you and even if we were not... a 3D "couple." I love you with an intensity that goes beyond any piece of paper that says "married."  In my heart I am yours and I want no other besides you.  I don't "need" you dear but I want you, badly.

Andy Gibb's "I Just Want to Be Your Everything."  Good one dear, lol.  I get a lot of songs from you from the good ole' 1970s when we were children.  I love how when we talk you always bring up our being born together, how you always say you know we must have been right near each other.  We were brought into the world together so we could breathe each others air, share in the same energy field- I imagine us coming into the world together holding hands as souls up until the very last moment until we were forced to let go and enter into our separate baby bodies.  Maybe, like you've said, maybe our bassinets were side by side.  Maybe our mothers talked to each other.  Maybe we've been in love since the day we were born... or before.  I've loved you forever and this is why no one else has ever felt right.  I was waiting for you, my one and only.  Believe me- I know you want to be my everything.  I know you do.  I love you so much.  I am opening my heart to you handsome.  I will let you love me.  I believe in your love for me.

I believe in your love for me.  It is a gift, a gem.  Your love stripped through my "illness" so I could face those fears and shed the "vileness" from inside me... so I could be free.  You did not leave me by choice.  I know this so please... don't feel badly.  No worried.  No fear.  No guilt.  I understand and I love you more for what you have done for me.

Anyone out there can scoff and tell me whatever they want to.  Far too much love, magic and healing has transpired between us since we met.  Without you I would not have been able to see the signs and messages from The Divine that have cemented my always-wavering belief.  Dear sweet Joron thank you for being so gentle with me, my body and my poor bruised, tattered and torn, heart.  You scooped up my wounded heart and held it in the palm of your hand like it was a rare piece of china to be cherished.  You protected and began healing me with your gentle touch and those sweet sweet kisses.  You patience and willingness to just be with me... to enjoy my company instead of what I could do for you, was worth everything to me.

I am so sorry.  So sorry that it took me this long to clearly see and drop my fears, anger and resentment.  Unconditional love isn't always the easiest thing to have when one is drowning in old crusty fears.  Gosh baby I feel so badly for you over last week.  I am sorry I backslid to where you had to reach out from across the universe and shake the shit out of me with those... yeah.  You know what they did to me.  "Wuthered" my illness once and for all, blew it away.  Staring my fears right in the face as harshly as I had to see them through you, my mirror, was not fun and not an experience I want to ever repeat.  I apologize for pushing you to where you had to be used as my mirror in such a strong and hard way.  I know with a deep inner knowing that while they were scary messages seasoned with way too much underlying truth as to how I was feeling inside, my old demons and urges, they were, of course, utter nonsense used to force me to own my Light and honor my life.  I don't pay nearly enough attention to the power of my spiritual energy and that has to change now.  I wasn't honoring my life.  I can't drink any more.  I doubt if I ever will again... and if I do, ever, it will be ONE.  One small glass of wine.  ONE bottle of light beer.  I am done consuming alcohol simply for the sake of obliterating my fears of being unloved.  I am loved- by you.  By God.  By soul.  By my son and friends and family and by myself.  What you did for me last week will never be forgotten, and I will never go back.  I never ever will be taught through fear like that again.  For the record I know you did not mean those things.  They were not real, total untruth but again they worked fabulously to wake me the fuck up.  Obviously Spirit knows better than I do how to heal me, finally.

Still the more I have started to see this situation from a place of love and belief instead of fear I can't escape the knowledge of how difficult it must be for you.  I recall your message months ago, frantic energy, telling me you felt bad like you had hurt me.  How you wished we could start over.  How you wanted to see me.  I just didn't understand.  I didn't realize how much you loved me and that your love was somehow being... kept hidden to push me, and that it can't feel good for you to wonder why the Hell your emotions, energy, thoughts and desire to contact me goes back and forth and up and down.  No wonder you told me recently that you have "issues."  I know it's not you.  I KNOW it.  It's because of the mirroring, and I am telling the universe that I'd like to make it, the crazy roller coaster, come to a close now.  I would like for you and me to balance out and reunite.  I will be patient, loving and kind to you in my words, thoughts and intentions to matter what it takes but I really would like this to come to a close.  We belong together, apart is not where we are meant to be.

I hope now, somehow, we can get past this.  I know this process is guided by The Divine, and we are loved.  Our soul wants us to be together and is working hard to get us there, of this I'm sure.  I've always been told that you are helping to heal me and I should have no concern about any illness in you.  I am not sure if you are struggling with your own "schtuff" over there but if so- I hope it eases for you.  Our union is guided by the same energy that guides you and I.  Joron I've fought to listen and believe but without you I could never had done it.  Never.  You had to listen and play your role perfectly magically well and you DID.  It's a freaking miracle, like I am living in some alternate universe, but Spirit speaks to you and obviously you listen.  I asked you to call me honey and moments later you whipped out an email to me, addressing me as honey, and you explained all your inner workings- your passionate thoughts and feelings about our educational system, religion, politics, etc.- all those things about you that totally turn me on.  I love your passionate caring heart.  Yes- you ARE a total Lightworker.  Thank you for following your mission in working to help heal me.  I will not ignore your love.  It is right here.  I carry you close to me always.

Together dear... we are so perfect together.  Together our light, as my soul tells me, shines so brightly that it lights up the darkness.  You've saved me from my darkness dear.  You are an exceptional human being and I knew it from the first moment we spoke.  Your voice sounds like a thousand angels whispering "I love you."  And that smile... oh Joron the first time I saw you smile at me as we walked towards each other, that moment is etched into my memory absolutely forever.  So jaunty and bouncy and giddily excited you were to finally meet me.  ME.  You couldn't wait to meet me.  And I loved you immediately.  My soul knew you the moment we touched yet I had no idea you would change my life forever.

Come back to me dear.  No fear.  No worries.  No apologies.  No need for resistance or anxiety.  I am more than ready to embrace you with open arms.  I hope that we can see each other soon.  I want to look deeply into those beautiful baby blues and this time allow myself to be captivated by your gaze, not looking away.  If I fall into you forever... lucky me.

"Just remember I love you and want you to be my future."  I know this in my heart of hearts as truth.  You are my future.  My future is with you.  I love you my other half, and yes I know with a full complete thorough inner knowing that you love me too.  Again my gem- thank you for offering me the gift of your love.  Thank you for leaving me in order to heal me.  I know it wasn't easy.  I know it made you sad to have to walk away from me.  I know the words to "Run" are for real- it was a sad goodbye.  You hated leaving me.  You didn't really want any of this to happen but it needed to.  Thank you for listening to your soul and "hurting" me even though I know it had to have caused you pain and guilt.  I love you for your sacrifice darling- never ever will I be mad at you.  I am thankful you loved me enough to listen, and I promise you I will not kill your love.  I will fight for belief in your love.  You know, I'm sure, that it hasn't always been easy to ignore the workings of 3D.  There have been times where I did not want to follow Spirit's guidance and being gentle to you and realizing this is all a lesson but overall I managed to do it.  I questioned you a bit in the end even knowing I shouldn't {moot point} but I am proud of myself that I embraced the unconditional love I have for you and listened.  For once in my life I listened and believed enough not to crush a beautiful love.  I know who you really are, my love.  Thank you for Enlightening me!

See you soon love.

PS- I WILL write a book about this one day but for now please just feel my love as I journal and blog and take notes for the future.  You are a wonderful inspiration.

And lastly- a message to Spirit, to my soul.  You know my sweet heart and my loving intention.  I am working hard, battling, fighting like the Fierce Tigress of Love I am- and I will continue but I am tired now.  I see.  I understand.  And I love.  I'd like my sweet twin back in my life in all ways.  I really would.  No demands yet I must say... we do belong together and I know you are only working to get us to reunion.  It is my goal, my mission, to hold on to his love and never let go.  I love him, and that love helps me to shine my Light as brightly as I possibly can.  No more fearing, no more drinking.  No more stubborn ego-games.  I don't ever want to go back there.  Thank you for helping to guide me for all these years through my pain, my grief, my sorrow and my debilitating fear.  God only knows where I would be without you.  I love you and I feel relieved.  I've worked hard.  I've tried.  I feel like as of right now I have turned away from all of my fears, grabbed the bull by the horns, and given it my best shot.  I can sleep easily knowing I may have more to do going forward but at least I have put my heart and soul into this and given it all I've got: my love, belief, faith and trust.  It may not be a traditional novel but since November I've written about five full books, purged through my gift of writing.  I've spent time and put loving energy into helping to guide others through their own dark times even as I struggled to hold on to my own belief.  I have practiced my Lightworker gifts even at my hardest moments.

I am proud of myself and my strong loving compassionate Warrior heart.

I HAVE BATTLED MY ASS OFF FOR LOVE!!!

Oooohhh and how badly do I want to love you all over.  You'd better watch out because when I do get my hands on you, my sweet little Atheist, my favorite Science Trip, I'm soooo going to love you all over!

"Do You Believe In Love"

I was walking
Down a one-way street
Just a-looking
For someone to meet
One woman
Who was looking for a man

Now I'm hoping (hoping)
That the feeling is right
And I'm wondering (wondering)
If you'll stay for the night
So I'm coming
(I don't wanna be lonely)
(Baby, please tell me)
I wanna love you all over

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
Do you believe in love
Oh, you're making me believe it, too

Now the feeling
Is beginning to grow
And the meaning
Is something you only know
If you believe it
Take my hand
And I'll take your heart, come on

Now I wonder (wonder)
Where does true love begin
I'm going under (under)
So I'm lettin' you in
My woman
(I don't wanna be lonely)
(Baby, please tell me)
I wanna love you all over

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
Do you believe in love
Oh, you're making me believe it, too

I used to have you in a photograph
I'm so glad it's changed
But now I've got you and it's gonna last
Do you believe in love

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
(I'm so glad, I'm so glad)
Do you believe in love
Oh, you're making me believe it, too

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
Do you believe in love
I believe in love, too.