For My Friend "FF"~ I Broached The Subject Last Night...

Good morning,

God is Gerard Butler hot.  *whew*

I gathered up my courage and broached some uncomfortable subjects with my twin last night.  One of my friends on here has been asking me why I don't just ask Joron what he's thinking... and I was torn.  I knew I'd have to be very careful because again I believe much of this is through Spirit so I don't want to grill him if he's feeling guilty over how he reacts to me.  I had been dying inside for a while to see how he feels about our silences though.  What he's thinking during the quiet.  Am I just nuts?  Making excuses?  Not wanting to face the truth?  He has to realize just how weird it is.

How do I confront him when I know Spirit tests me?  I knew to be loving and kind, and understanding of the fact that I know we have this connection yet he doesn't.  I finally addressed the silence, our future, etc.  I was cautious and told him he scares me sometimes.  That I don't know whether or not I'll push him away.  He said to please always be open and honest with him and I was.

I still saw and felt Spirit in our conversation.  I cannot get resolution from him.  It's not going to happen right now.  He loves me but he says he must come back and see me before he knows anything with finality, and I understand.  He isn't dating though, that's for certain.  Also I know so much of this has been soul orchestrated.  I've seen it myself to where I can't deny it so when he feels fear and apprehension I don't think it's all just him; part of it is soul.  He definitely feels my fear and apprehension so I tried to stay very calm and relaxed, loving.  Keep in mind had we not been forced to separate I'd probably be on my way to rehab soon.

This had to happen and he surely didn't force it himself.  Two days before he "shut off" he took a picture of himself holding a sign that read "I love you Rose!"  The day before he ran he wrote to me, "Just remember I love you and want you to be my future."  I cannot believe the separation was "just him."  I don't.  But still I would like to understand it better.

Last night he said something that bugged me.  I said, "Do you love me?"  He said, "Yes I do... as much as a person can for only knowing someone for two months."  I was hurt.  He's always said, "I love you so so much."  I didn't like that limit put onto his love.  It opened up conversation about the last eight months, his silence, why he goes quiet, etc.  I didn't push him, and he didn't say a whole lot, but what I get from him is... he gets very busy and tries not to think of me.  He works a TON of hours, and my guidance had told me this months ago.  Here is why I so vehemently believe all this: months ago my guidance was reassuring me.  I was told, "He works so so much to keep himself busy but he always thinks of you.  Without working he'd hurt and he's not supposed to hurt."  Not long after that we were on the phone and he said, "I work so much.  So so much.  I work too much.  I need you.  I need you in my life."  I didn't know what to say so all I softly said was, "Well I'm right here."

*Silly grin time*  We got flirty and talked about "if we were married."  If we were married we'd make love all the time, every day in every way and whenever, wherever, we wanted.  Walk in the door and get naked.  Hop into bed and get naked.  Joron prefers skin on skin over lingerie.  He prefers my skin on his skin.  I love his voice.  I mean love it LOVE it.  Turns me on, makes me melt, and since this is my blog and I'm still worked up from him I'll tell you that he makes me so hot.  It was cute flirty, shyly confessing fantasies.  Little giggles from me with him saying, "It's okay- you can tell me anything.  I want to know for when I see you again."  I asked him if we were married what would he do if I woke him by kissing and touching and wanting- would be be annoyed?  Upset?  My ex would have been.  Um, not Joron.  He'd be ecstatic.  I so want to be with this man- he's exactly like me but in male form; we even look alike, and our preferences are exactly alike.  And then he said, "Touch yourself for me," which turned into another long distance intimate exchange, and before you go thinking he's just in this to get off, I instigated the first time by asking him to do it for himself while talking with me, lol.  He's just so sweetly sexy I can't resist- and yes it does ache but... I love him.  I would love to see my love again.

After we said our good nights and I love you I only got three hours of sleep.  I could not get him to commit to staying in regular contact with me- he just can't right now.   I'll get what I get and partly it will be due to my energy.  I know it- and what I will share here in a moment is testament to that.  He used to constantly contact me and for some reason I am just not going to get that from him right now, and again I know it's part of my lesson somehow.  Joron used to text good morning every morning, and he hasn't in months.  I woke this morning and ran our conversation over in my mind.  A lot of good came out of it.  He said my son is not a deal breaker at all, that he's an adorable child.  But some things bugged me a bit, and some things almost seemed meant to test me.  I laid in bed and told God, "I loved our good mornings.  I wish we could go back to how we were.  I miss him."

On my way to work I cried a bit, unsure of what to think and believe.  I've always felt that he loves me, and more than two months worth of love; he told me we fit six years of love into six weeks.  He always tells me he loves me hugely... so those words just really got under my skin.  Love is important to me.  Suddenly at 7:28 AM my time, two hours earlier by him, I got this text: "Good morning my princess.  Have a wonderful day.  I love you with all my heart."  I have no idea what he was doing up so early but he heard me and reassured me.  He loves me... with all his heart.

And that, right there, is my truth.