"From The Stars" EBook... My First Soul Mate

Warning: this is a personal post, about my life.  My loves, my soul mates.  I have a feeling it's going to get a little personal, a little sad, a little sexy.  So if sexy offends you then you might wanna skip this one.

I came across this free ebook called "From The Stars" about a man's spiritual awakening and everything he learned from it {Thanks Jatd!}  I am only a few pages in but he made reference to how his life began spiraling out of control after he asked God for help.  That is the same exact thing that happened to me.  One day back in 2011 I stepped outside, looked up and said, "God please change my life by the time I am forty."  And BOOM- Shit. Started. Happening.

I was 38.  It was August.  Not long after that I offhandedly commented to God, "God I'd love to meet a nice man.  Someone who would hold me and be gentle to me and send me Youtube videos and talk music with me.  A nice tall sweet country guy would be nice."  Well, it didn't matter that I happened to be MARRIED at the time- unhappily and full of sadness and being lonesome, God answered my prayers, literally God answered my prayers.  I asked and I received and it didn't matter a lick that I was married.

Not long after that I connected with a man online who I thought was from my area.  I was hoping to just take the edge off, talk with someone like-minded because I spent no time with my husband and I was dying inside.  This new man and I, I will call him B, we emailed and immediately there was an intense connection- it was as if I was communicating with myself.  Back then I didn't really think about "soul mates" at all.  I was spiritual but not really, just dabbling.  Basically I was trying to survive being a new mom with a husband who didn't seem to care, and a full-time job, and taking care of a home while feeling like I was doing it all on my own.  I was wayyyyy more stressed than I realized, and I carried with me a lifetime of wounds that I covered with a smile and a seemingly joyful spring in my step.  I didn't realize the plan God had in store for me, lol.  Oh... boy.

I learn all my lessons through love, btw.  All of them!

B and I emailed for two days and decided to talk on the phone.  He said to me, "I hope you won't think less of me when you hear my voice."  He then proceeded to draw my attention to something I'd overlooked somehow- he was southern, from Arkansas.  A big ole' country man.  He didn't live by me but he was most likely going to be moving to where I live in NWI.  He said, "For some people a southern accent makes them shave off a few IQ points, for some women a southern voice makes them wet."  Ha ha ha... I fell into category two. B was very southern, shy in a way.  Quiet and reserved, very very sweet.  He was also married, and he loved his wife but there was a large part of their life that was lacking and he, like me, went seeking.  What can I say?  We are lead to the people who are meant to help heal us.  I met this first one from over 600 miles away.  Where there is a will there is a way.

We talked about everything.  I won't bore you but I quickly grew very fond of B.  We exchanged pictures and I almost choked to death... this was the man behind the sweet southern accent, gentle heart and strong mind?  He was tall, 6'4, lanky, thick brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, adorable grin... and he had a look I just adored.  Totally cute!  I was floored.

And terrified.  He said he knew he'd be through my town within the next few weeks, and was I crazy enough to meet him?  Even just as friends?  He stressed there were to be no expectations.  He stressed if there was no "spark" it would be no hard feelings.  He seemed very worried that I would not find him physically attractive *HA* and he was entirely nervous and self-conscious about meeting me.  He thought I was "beautiful" when beautiful was the last thing I felt about myself.

I got scared and tried even harder with my husband.  One day I was buying new underwear in Frederick's of Hollywood and I whipped out my cell phone to take a pic for my husband.  I told myself that miraculously maybe I'd get a reaction out of him, something that would break through my temptations.  I settled my long blond hair down over my shoulders while wearing a very attractive bra and undies set... it was just enough skin but still PG-rated.  I looked curvy and pretty and sweet and sexy all in one although at the time I felt nervous to send it to my own husband of seven years.  I text it to him.  No response.  I called him.  He was at the bar with his friends, his favorite place to be.  "Did you get my text?" I asked.

"Yeah... why'd you have to be so stupid?" was his response, referring to the fact that I sent it at all.  "I was going to show it to all my buddies here at the bar so we could laugh."  I remember feeling angry and resentful and stubborn and... resolute.  I said bye, hung up and shot the picture off to B before I could even think twice about it.

LOL, his response was a wee bit different than my husband's.  He told me I had to warn a man before shooting off something dangerous like my picture, that he'd almost choked to death when he saw it, and he'd had a hard time controlling his reaction.  Said it was a mixture of "angelic" and sweetly sexy and with those words the deal was sealed:  I knew I would meet this man.

B didn't know the nerve it took for me to meet him.  I was a chubby child and raised with a lot of shame and embarrassment about my appearance.  Often I was poked in the belly and told to "suck it in!"  There was much humiliation in my youth along with a lot of physical, mental and emotional abuse.  In high school my mom took me to the plus sized store to shop even though I was a curvy sized 10-12 and didn't need plus sizes.  My parents were so warped about their concept of size, shape and beauty that they saw me as fat even though I was perfectly normal.  "Fat" was a common word in my household, and my vision of myself was that of a monster.  My self-worth and self-esteem was non-existent.  So for me to plan to meet this beautiful man took all the courage I had.  The moment came when he was to be in town, staying at a hotel for business.  I took the game Boggle and a bottle of... whiskey, lol.  He ordered pizza.  We were both as skittish as cats on a hot tin roof.  The deal was we'd meet, talk face to face, and if either one of us just wanted friendship, got nervous or shy or cold feet or anything- there would be no hard feelings.  B was very adamant about this.

I walked up to the hotel feeling... determined, lol.  And nervous!  Anticipatory because I kind of loved him already from all our conversations, and his pictures were adorable.  Oh man walking to that room took all my guts, and sadly I did not feel a wink of guilt.  Not at all.  I guess I was so upset with my husband for pushing me off for years that all I wanted was some affection, a dash of excitement.  Yes I could have left him, asked for a divorce, but we had a baby.  I was scared.  I had talked, begged, cried, warned.  I tried everything.  I was a good wife and I wanted my husband in my life... want some irony?  My now ex-husband is a highly attractive man.  He looks a lot like B... a lot.  I am sure there is a message there.  I did love my husband but whatever the lesson- he did or wasn't supposed to love me, not in a "stay married forever" kind of way.

B opened the door, stepped back to let me in, and he was as nervous as anything.  He didn't know what to do with his hands... and I will never forget my first look at him.  I still get butterflies when I think of my B.  Tall.  Lanky but full, solid.  Total country boy.  Aqua blue t-shirt and jeans and he nervously hugged me, warm and smelling good and fresh from the shower and... I wanted to just melt.

He said, "I am one up on you because I watched you walk up to the hotel.  I saw you first.  I am so damn nervous.  You are gorgeous, like a Goddess, so pretty."  And he was being genuine but I looked away, wanting to cry.  I did not feel gorgeous... and all I could think of with terror was, "What if I have to get naked in front of this beautiful specimen of man?  What if he laughs at me?  Turns me down?  Can't get it up like what happens at home with my husband?  I'll die."

He felt like home when he hugged me though and my worries washed away.  Warm and safe and inviting and wonderful and I never wanted that hug to end.  Stepping back all jittery and cute we talked for a bit while he sat in a chair and I sat on the edge of the bed.  We had pizza and a small drink.  We laughed because neither one of us could eat.  He said, "I shouldn't be all the way over here should I?" because he was across the room.  We were both nervous and shy and uncertain and hurting and lonely and... in need of healing.  Two simple vulnerable human beings longing for love and understanding.  He came to sit next to me and then took my hand, and my little hand looked very small in his big ole' country man hand.  B has amazing hands.  His touch was electrifying and I didn't understand what was happening.  Then we broke out the Boggle and began to play.  We were both so nervous, and excited.

And happy.  I was happy.  Thrilled actually... and God I had no idea how hard I was going to fall for this big ole' beautiful sweet darling loving man.  I look back at the woman I was then and I tear up.  Yes I was cheating but it makes no difference to me now.  I needed B.  Half way through Boggle B leaned over and kissed me quick and hard, then set back on the bed embarrassed and wondering if I was okay with it.  I blushed and smiled.  We continued to play.  Second game, after many glances and smiles and nervous laughs he swept all the Boggle stuff to the side, grabbed me and kissed me so thoroughly, so fully, so deeply... that he basically owned me right then.

I lost my heart at that moment {and I weep to remember the beauty in it.}  He leaned me back on the bed and kissed me like I hadn't been kissed in ten years.  My husband at the time would not kiss me.  When I tried to kiss him he pushed me away, annoyed and sighing. I was so afraid when B kissed me.  At first I was tense, stiff as stone, afraid and unable to relax.  Like a wounded frightened bird that was trying to be brave.  And he knew it.  He was gentle and kind and told me how pretty I was and he meant it.  He was just as scared.  "Is this okay?" he asked me- like maybe I'd reject him.

Rejection.  We both had major issues in our marriage with feeling rejected, and both had it in our first marriages as well.  It was tentative at first until B hit that point where he lost his reservations and dove right in, lol.  He went from gentle country man to "I dig you BAD" and it became heated and passionate and I lost myself in those kisses.  His embrace was like a cold tall glass of ice water bestowed upon a man dying of thirst in the desert.  I drank him in.  He quieted my heart and soul.  I totally surrendered all my fears and worries to those kisses, his lips worked my world away for a while.

And oh yeah- we were going there.  After a good hard make out session unlike I'd ever had before it was evident that sex was not off the table.  Maybe it would be on the table, like the one across the room. And I was utterly terrified, and again he sensed it.  He was scared too but entirely turned on and I hadn't felt my husband get that excited in all the time we were together; I thought maybe B had a steel rod in his pocket, lol!  As he worked his hands more and more over me, over my body, he felt me get tense whenever he touched my skin.  It was as if I was a monster under my clothes and was afraid he'd find out.  I wanted to cry but he kept telling me how sweet I was and that he could stop at any time... and I told him I didn't want him to stop.  My biggest fear about B was a one night stand, that we'd screw and I would not hear from him the next day, or ever again.  It was honestly a huge huge fear.  As we got closer to the point of no return I tried to clear my mind of that worry, and finally there was no going back.

As he lifted off my top I seriously wanted to sob because I was so embarrassed of my body.  I was about a size 12, mommy-body.  I'd carried a child at age 37 and I breast fed my baby... soft body.  Curves, a bit of jiggle, lol.   His hands on my bare skin made me cringe in fear that he'd find me disgusting but what I found instead was that he could not keep his hands off me, and his sharp intake of breath... that, "Oh my Lord I need you" energy once he saw my naked body was totally new and foreign to me.  His desire for me was huge and I didn't understand it but I liked it.  That man made love to me for hours.  Literally hours.  Not an inch of my body went un-adored, unstroked, untouched, unkissed.  He was soft and gentle one moment, loving and sweet, then hard and fierce the next- and I hadn't been fucked good in, oh, forever.  Like forever.  OMG, lol.  I am being facetious though- what B and I did that night was not even close to "fucking."  We made love- and our souls totally and completely danced together.

And near the end while he was above me making love to me he looked at me and said so genuinely and imploringly, "Promise me you won't fall of the face of the earth after this Rosie {but he said my real name which sounds so cute coming from a man with a Southern accent} promise me, please."  Total and complete vulnerability.  So right in the middle of this earth-shattering love fest I whispered as I held on to him, "I promise I won't fall of the face of the earth B.  I'm not going anywhere."

After I was thoroughly worked over from head to toe our time together culminated in very satisfactory end result from him that made me blush even harder because he was so damn expressive.  B liked to chat while making love, giggling and playing and cuteness worked into some really hard lusty lovin'.  And when he reached nirvana he came hard.  He was, in a word, un-fucking-believeable.

After we lay together for a while softly talking and cuddling in a totally raw, tentative yet totally natural way being that we were two people who had only just met {in 3D- our souls totally knew each other as I would find out in a moment} we finally got dressed.  He politely looked away as I pulled the sheet up over me, afraid for him to look at my naked body.  After we were dressed he sat on the bed and pulled me into his arms, wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head while softly saying, " Rosie I feel like when you were a little girl you were not told you were loved enough, and no one told you you were pretty, and that makes me very sad."  I will never forget how shocked I was... not many people knew that about me, and I surely had not told him.  I am a professional working woman with a strong place in my career.  I have my MA degree.  I carry myself well.  I "hide it all" perfectly- people see me and think I am happy and have it on the ball.  But B saw right through me, and it hit me hard.  I blinked back tears while in his arms, and that was the moment my walls started, ever so slowly, to crumble.  They were thick walls built over years of abuse and suffering but that night with B he put a small chink in my walls, and a tiny bit of light worked its way through.

That is the beauty of soul mates.  That night BLEW me open, began a three year-long healing process that consisted of many dark nights of the soul.  I had to face major major MAJOR fears through B, and God bless my dear soul mate... he was so loving and kind to me, a friend in the end once lessons were learned.  I put him through a lot but that man never let me go through all the time he was supposed to be in my life. I won't ever EVER forget my B.  I will love him until the day I die, and I know I will see him in that "life between lives."  He is one of my most special soul mates.  We spent two years being friends, and he will remain in my heart always- our time has come and passed to actively be in each others lives, but what a dear soul he is.  Our souls knew when it was time to part for good; I can't be in the same space as B without us needing to be attached to one another- and that time for us is gone now... so it is better that we parted ways with grace and love and peace, which we did.

 Even our parting was... perfection, and God orchestrated our last meeting to bless me with the experience I'd always wanted with B, time away from the hotel room as two friends who could talk and laugh and share with no guilt, no nervousness just calm and good.  The last time I saw him was so divinely planned that it showed me God works our lives in ways we don't even understand.  No one really can.  That night B took my hand while we sat talking and sharing a beer and he looked into my eyes and said, "Rosie what is that?"  We had said we would "just be friends" if we ever met again.  I was no longer sick in love with him- God healed me of that.  B would remain married and I would move on... but our soul connection was damn strong.  I hadn't seen him in over six months, and our communication was normally totally just short and friendly.  This particular night he'd just happened to be in town and contacted me.  As he put his hand against mine and looked into my eyes I said, "B you know that that is.  We are soul mates.  You feel our energy."  B is highly southern Christian so the idea of soul mates and spirituality was foreign to him... yet he knew.  He said, "I've never had that with anyone else Rosie."  The he kissed me and "just friends" went right out the window.  I took him back to the hotel, looked him in the eyes and stripped myself down for him to show him how much I'd healed.  I was no longer ashamed of myself or my body, wasn't frightened and unsure.  Then I stripped him down and we shared a good bye that is one for the record books.  B, being very southern and Christian and experiencing his own guilt for being unfaithful, rarely used the word "love" with me and I totally understood.  I knew he loved me in his own way; it was clearly evident.  He once told me that he felt more for me than he understood, and it scared him.  That night while he made love to me, reminiscent of the first night when he asked me for reassuracne that I would not fall off the face of the earth, he said to me in that breathless sexy manner that was just so B, "Tell me Rosie.  Tell me why you keep coming to see me.  I need to know."

I smiled and looked up to meet those sweet chocolate brown eyes and softly said, "You know B.  You know why.  I love you and I will love you forever."  And it just does not get any better than that for a meaningful loving goodbye- The Divine, my guidance, always called B my "angel."  They blessed us both with a loving kind farewell for which I am eternally grateful. 

It felt very similar with Joron.  I won't deny that.  All my soul mate loves were kissy, warm, soft, gentle, healing, and very very right but with Joron there is telepathy, magic, mind-reading and this intense emptiness mixed with totally unconditional love while we are separated.  It is less physical and more emotional and mental with Joron.  But they were consecutive, back to back.  At first I felt like a whore but I couldn't explain why they all felt the same!  They had similar names!  They said and did the same things... I thought I was losing my mind.  Now I understand how The Divine works, and I love my soul mates dearly.  I also love my Joron... I hope he is the last soul mate for me but my B- he was my first, and without him I don't think I'd be here right now, as in at all.  He began a process that helped save me, my southern angel.