So I broke down and called that soul mate psychic the other day and she told me that yes, soul will make one soul mate ignore the other- and I felt some relief although I'd already seen this for the last eight months. This post is simply me journaling my thoughts so once and for all I can get out, purge, my feelings over Joron disappearing from my life- and how he comes back and forth over and over. I have to write out my truth in order to cement it and make it real.
Over the last eight months, during this separation, Joron has told me and written to me a variety of loving words. Some often feel... desperate or frantic. Like he doesn't understand what he's feeling or what is going on, and this is all making sense to me now. He is off in California and I often get annoyed thinking he's out in sunny CA soaking up the rays, golfing and gambling and living life large while I stay behind and suffer. This was the worst winter on record for the Midwest. I swear to GOD on day at the end of winter a snow cloud hovered right over my house and dumped like 19 inches of snow on top of the feet we'd already acquired. It would not stop snowing. The days were dark, long, cold and fucking snowy. I was helped a lot I will admit, but there were times I would go out to shovel and just cry because I felt he was gone, ignoring me and not caring at all about my status as a single mom trying to... shovel out on her own. Lots of pity partying was going on around me, fears of being forgotten and not a priority constantly tackled. I assumed he didn't think of me at all, wasn't hurting like I was, but in reality he is shut off so he will not hurt, so he won't have pain. I know he misses me. He's told me so. He stays very busy with his life, and that is for a purpose- so he does not suffer. Unfortunately it seems the "Stayers" are the ones who, at first, suffer then must work past the suffering to find the love and lessons in the wake of being "left behind." Joron isn't supposed to feel the same level of pain I have- this is why he got blessed with the wonderful job, why he's somewhere fun and happy. He needs to be preoccupied... and as I've already blogged, he's let me know how he feels, that he "needs me in his life." I used to freak out when he'd email me, get all scared and not know what to think. But honestly as I look back at words such as, "I wish we could go back to the moment where we couldn't wait to hear from each other," he means it. He wants that back as much as I do.
So after I called the psychic I decided I wanted to listen to the song "Magic" by Olivia Newton John which is all about co-creating with our souls. I noticed the song "I Just Want To Be Your Everything" so on a whim I clicked on it and, well, dare I? Dare I allow myself to believe it is a message from Spirit telling me exactly what Joron is feeling for me? I swear this song is his HEART. I've heard songs like this before, ones where the lyrics are so eerily pertaining to our situation that I feel a mixture of nauseous and faint at the same time, but this one- something about it just gets to me. Allow me to share the lyrics here:
"I Just Wanna Be Your Everything"
For so long
You and me were findin' each other for so long
And the feelin' that I feel for you is more than strong girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more than your askin' for
Your love will turn the key
Darlin' I
I would wait forever for those lips of wine
And build my world around you darlin'
This love will shine girl
Watch it and see
If you give a little more than you're askin' for
Your love will turn the key
I-I-I
I just wanna be your everything
Open up the heavens in your heart and let me be
The things you are to me
And not some puppet on a string
Oh-ohh
I, if I stay here without you darlin' I would die
I want you layin' in the love I have to bring
I'll do anything to be your everything
For so long
You and me were findin' each other for so long
And the feelin' that I feel for you is more than strong girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more than you're askin' for
Your love will turn the key
We've been finding each other for so long since we were born together forty years ago. Always near each other while growing up- yet our paths never crossed. And we finally found each other. And I know he wants to be my everything. He showed me that when he was here- my God he is perfect, and perfect for me. LOL- He called God a Sky Daddy and Puppeteer. That makes me laugh now because, as I just wrote last night, this who soul orchestration can feel like we are being worked like "puppets." I feel that the channeling only happens in little bits, nothing major, but for the moment when soul works through us- we are vessels being used by Spirit which is, I hate to say it, puppet-like. In this song he sings that he wants to be what he wants to be to her- not a "puppet on a string." That's so weird! Joron can't stand being away from me. I know this from when he opened up to me a couple months ago; he told me "I want you so so much, more than you know. You just can't understand how much I need you." It only comes in moments. I am not "awarded" much but just enough to show me that this is for real and happening, not my imagination {although it can feel like that often!}
He loves my kisses. All throughout our separation he has talked about my kisses and how he misses them. And his "song" is "Your Kiss Is on My List." That's his song from his childhood, like "his" song. How ironic. It's all about kisses... "You know your kiss is what I miss when I turn out the light." This song says I'll wait forever for your kisses. And I like the bit about "Give a little more than you're asking for and you're love will turn the key." Give a little more than you're asking for... wonder what that means? I think it means- I have to give to receive right now. I need to write, and write hard. Share my thoughts. Get my inner world down on paper. Give instead of just asking for him back. Give a little more than you're asking for and your love will turn the key.
Okay- maybe I'm just plain ole' crazy... but this ENTIRE SITUATION is not normal! Not 3D regular plain boring world normal. Songs have been speaking to me since before Joron left but they exploded once we separated. The first one I really noticed was when I was "heard" Michael Buble's "Hold On" and it felt like Joron, like him on the inside- not the "imitation ignoring" he'd shifted into once he left. It was like he was talking to me through the song, and my guidance told me "Dance with him at your wedding to this song," and I was also told to WRITE. Write write write and I was freaking out in disbelief and suddenly, as the song was playing and I was dying inside, my son looked at me and said, "What are you waiting for mommy? What are you waiting for?" And with wide eyes I tapped back into Spirit and was told, "Yes Rose- what are you waiting for?" Meaning- write Rose. Just write. Don't be scared, just write it out.
Tell me! Tell me this shit isn't really happening. Walk in my shoes for a day and see how... oh God when I doubt I just kill myself with angst. It's horrible. I've had so many signs, songs, messages, synchronicity, channeling through others, billboards for Jesus's sake! I was told to "Open my heart" forever. Like over and over a thousand times my guidance would tell me, "Open your heart." One day I got the message about ten times then was driving down the road and there was a billboard that read, "Open Your Heart."
And then the time when I was told "Freedom" over and over in a variety of different ways. I was dating my last soul mate, finding it very hard to let him go when I needed to. I just didn't know that Joron was waiting to come to me on my 40th birthday {what a present!} It was getting close to my birthday month and I was with my last soul mate... not a good situation. It was the middle of the night and he was driving me to my car and my heart was breaking. As we drove through the stillness of the night I was looking out the passenger side window, trying not to cry in knowing there was no hope for our situation and he'd never be "mine" and we passed a billboard that read, "Got Freedom?" Couldn't. Be. Clearer. Upon reflection it is absolutely amazing how Spirit speaks to me. I'm blessed... even when it hurts. Sometimes I don't like the messages, and when I don't like them I can tend to ignore them... yet they are always there.
LOL! And with Joron all the signs are there, AND he himself tells me of his love. The songs- the signs. Yesterday I bought a new journal so I could start from scratch on idea for writing about these last three years. It's kind of a boring-looking journal but it has some pink on it. I then stopped to grab a bite to eat and I was going to the park to dedicate this journal to Joron, the intention being in my healing I am ready to finally write about my inner world. I saw this good-looking salad at Wendy's and as I went to order it I noticed it was called, "Strawberry Fields." I cracked up as I ordered it. There was an oval pink sticker with those words on it, "Strawberry Fields," so I oh so carefully peeled it off and stuck in onto my journal.
Coincidence? He told me I am his "Strawberry Fields" and since then I've seen that referenced in two places, thrust right into my face. He thinks of me like that- sweet and warm and wonderful. He just isn't able to freely express himself, or be with me, while we are going through this experience.
I love this man. I man I looooovvvvveeeee this man. I've been told by friends that they couldn't do it- couldn't have held out like I have. They wouldn't be able to stay loving or forgiving. They wouldn't be able to see the divine healing in the process- but I can. In the words of Michael Buble' from "Hold On" he sings that there are a million ways for things to fall apart yet it's no one's "fault," and "I believe in you and me."
I do believe. I do.
"There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,and with this kind of love,
what we've got here is enough.
So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight."
I am holding on. I know this man loves me, like a lot. I know that inside he feels like that Andy Gibb song from our youth, 1977 and we were born in 1973. I just know it. I feel it in my heart that he wants to be with me. He wants to love me... just like what he text me all those months ago, his strange late night text that said, "I want to love you. I want to love you. I want to love you" after he'd already poured out his love and affection all over me. He was channeling for right now. He WANTS to love me, and honestly I think he's hurting and confused and yes he feels selfish. I don't think he understands why he does what he does when he pushes me off. He feels like he has "issues."
He told me on the phone the other night that he's "selfish." I told him he wasn't selfish when he was here with me, and the funny thing is that psychic warned me if I were to question him he'd have to LIE because he wouldn't know what to say, he doesn't know. When I said he'd been silent for six weeks he tried to express himself, got all tongue tied, and said, "I guess I'm selfish." As I look back on that conversation I feel kind of bad. I do- I know why he does what he does, and he doesn't. It was interesting to get his POV but I can't force him to give me answers when he has none besides feeling like an ASSHOLE for leaving me. He feels bad for leaving me... but he doesn't understand that had he not left me- I'd never have learned my lessons or achieved my healing. I would never have learned that The Divine truly does maneuver life for us, or at least tries to hard to lead us in the right direction. I feel for him- and I can't tell him these things, not now. He, being a non-believer, just would not understand.
All I could do with that conversation is assure him that I am here, not going anywhere, and they I would like to go forward. I do hope my twin soul realizes that I love him, and I hope in 3D I am not stifling him with my deep feelings for him. But I know- it is scary to believe but I feel his heart is all locked up inside and I am the one who holds the key. I have to write it all out, novel form, showing Spirit I am willing to do my part, fulfill MY mission in wanting to help others. And then I feel energy will begin to balance.
Again, we shall see. But I know... this man wants to be my everything. And I will Hold On.
No comments:
Post a Comment