Making Love Out Of Nothing At All

Cuddling @ DeviantArt by Rybika

Some months back I was driving to drop my son off at the sitters and as I was driving I heard a song being played in my head but it was far away.  I actually found myself leaning forward in my seat "straining" to hear the words, to figure out the tune.  At first I thought it was Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of The Heart" but upon closer "listening" I found it to actually be Air Supply's "Making Love Out of Nothing at All."  It was one particular part of the song...

"Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost
And it's looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well, it's nothing 'til I give it to you."

Well my guidance has told me I am supposed to a beacon in the night, a bright shining light.  I've been told this for three years.  I've been told that I have a strong soul and I am a big bright shining ball of love energy, and for three years I have ignored that fact.  I ran from it.  I thought this was one big fat lie.  I wrote it all off as coincidence or trickery or I let people around me convince me it was all in my head.  I clung to my fear.  I drank away my worries.  I fucked around with my LIGHT and my LOVE and my HEART and my DIVINE GOD ENERGY.  I basically tried killing myself.  I drank and screwed and ignored all in an attempt to distract myself from my own self-hatred and feelings of being totally not worthy, not valuable and not loveable.  I did not know my own value and I didn't feel loveable.

A while back, at a very dark point, I planned to meet a man who was interested in S&M.  He basically was going to hurt me.  I told myself I wanted that treatment.  My shadows were coming up big time and I'd pushed my guidance out.  I ignored my guidance, wouldn't "tap in."  The day I was to meet this man, and he wanted to get his hands, and whips and chains I'm sure, on me in a big bad way, I was supposed to email him with my contact info and we were going to meet that night.  I was fresh meat and a unique specimen for him~ a new vibrant toy to break.  I was at work and e-mailed his gmail account that had worked the day earlier.  I sent him my contact info and asked where and when we were meeting.

The message bounced back as undeliverable.  I paused.  I got full-body shivers and I knew... I knew I was being guided, saved.  I KNEW The Divine was protecting me.  I also knew I had hit a whole new level of rock bottom.

Time passed.  I still did things I am not proud of.  I met another loving soul mate and had a year-long relationship with him that, due to how strongly I felt about him, kept me out of trouble in that I wasn't out screwing strangers in order to try and make myself feel better.  I started to heal while with that soul mate.  And then it had to end.  And afterwards... I met my twin soul.  I met Joron.

And through all of this I have been guided, step-by-step.  He's been this bright shining star in my galaxy that was, in the past, totally insipidly dark and gloomy.  He lit up my life, illuminating me from the inside out, and he ignited me... he ignited my fire to start fighting to own my LIGHT.  I was letting my light die.  I would not believe I was "special" or that God could want to use me as a Messenger of Light which is what I was always told from above.  

My darn little Atheist Geologist Scientist twin soul- I love you.  Now I understand this song better, why I heard it all those months ago...

 I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where to find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream
And I know just where to touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose
And I know the night is fading
And I know the time's gonna fly
And I'm never gonna tell you everything I've gotta tell you
But I know I've gotta give it a try
And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to fame
I know all the rules and then I know how to break 'em
And I always know the name of the game
But I don't know how to leave you
And I'll never let you fall
And I don't know how you do it

Making love out of nothing at all

Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost
And it's looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well, it's nothing 'til I give it to you
I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
I can make all the stadiums rock
I can make tonight forever
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made
And I can make all your demons be gone
But I'm never gonna make it without you
Do you really want to see me crawl
And I'm never gonna make it like you do

Making love out of nothing at all"

I am told my twin is here to heal me, and I am here to love him.  If there is one thing I know how to do it is LOVE.  I know how to make love out of nothing... I love HARD, always have.  I just had a lot to heal from and Joron has been here all along to ensure I do not fall.  I know he is mine, my other half, my soul twin.  I love him with all of my heart and I know we will get through all this, and in the end when all the healing and loving is done- we are going to reunite and be together.  

There is so much magic around me always, especially through the songs.  He speaks to me through songs all the time.  I can't wait to see him again.  This has been painful for both of us but all for a reason and I can see that now.  I am no longer interested in "ignoring my gifts."  I AM a Lightworker, and I am here to do more than just waste my life away in self-loathing and wounds.  I am so utterly thankful that Joron agreed to his role of helping to heal me- and I am done with overlooking it or ignoring it.

This will be one of my final posts because I have to write a book now.  It's part of my mission and I can't continue to run from it out of fear.  I understand enough what has happened to me that I can put pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard, and explain my healing.  It's time for my to glorify in the love I have for my gem, and the rejoice in the love he has for me, in documenting this all and making it "real" through creating a novel.

So to my twin- Thank you for helping me and for not letting me go- even if I have pushed you to do things you might not normally do, or say, I appreciate you sticking it out for me.  Please know I see now- and I will not go blindly backwards into the darkness again.  I will hold your hand and let you guide me forward.  I adore you and I am sorry you are hurting- because I know you are my dear sweet love.  Thank you for helping me to see my monsters so I can face them and rid myself of them forever.  You are my gem.  Our time will come. I love you.