I woke one morning, before I met Joron, with a country song being sung in my mind. It was being sung by a male voice although the words were slow, a love song. I guess I expected due to the content of the song that it would be sung by a woman but it was clearly a man's voice, and it was not a song I'd ever heard before- unrecorded, lol.
It was mournful and poignant so I hurriedly wrote out what I could remember of the lyrics before it dissipated upon awakening as many of my early morning insight does... if I don't get it down immediately then it dissolves like early morning mist that is burnt away by the rising sun. It was not a full song so I finished it "myself" which means I continued to co-create it with soul.
Mind you- one day very near to when Joron was to leave me he came to my house wearing a button up shirt, plaid, and told me it was the closest thing he had to "country" and since he knew I liked cowboys he wore it for me. My heart just... ugh- I remember him standing in my room after being close with me and he was buttoning his shirt. The candlelight was shining off the silver in his temples, and the glow totally illuminated his beautiful face, such an angelic presence. He smiled as he teased me, kinda lifting an eyebrow and he chuckled as he said, "I'm going to write you a country song. Yep- a country song. Get ready because I am going to write one for you..." and he reminded me the next day about the song he was going to write for me. Then not soon after he was gone.
A few months into our separation the image of his perfection, standing in my bedroom lit up by candlelight looking like a dream come true and teasing me about the country song, came to mind. In my mind I heard, "He did write it for you." I think those words I woke with months before I met him must have come from my twin soul. A precursor. A little insight telling me this one won't be easy to leave behind...
Joron cannot be replaced in my heart, mind or soul. Anyone else would be a poor substitute for what I feel for him. And oh I've had temptation pass by me. The largest was just recently; an old flame, probably a soul mate, who I have an intense INTENSE physical attraction to, moved back to my area from Texas this past weekend. We have never been single at the same time, and we've been circling each other for fourteen years. We shared a kiss about ten years ago that is one for the record books, and he recently contacted me... and asked me about that kiss. And he asked me when he's finally going to be able to make love to me. He is single. And Italian. And as charming and sexy and handsome as the day is long... but he would still be a poor substitute for my adorable, sweet, loving, smart, kind... perfect Joron. I want no one else. I'm not in the market for being seduced or some man's fourteen year-long conquest. After conversing with this man I had to talk to Joron, and I did. One of the things he mentioned to me on the phone was that he was so happy we waited to make love. He said the fact that I didn't have sex with him {and he was always super respectful} on the first date {or the second, third, fourth, or fifth... lol} told him I was "special" and he respected that about me. This other guy? He just wants to get in my panties. Not. Going. To. Happen. It would be like... eating Taco Bell after experiencing a steady diet of filet, lobster and amazing fresh veggies/fruit and good-for-you-stuff. It would be like visiting a craptacular little overpriced "all that glitters isn't gold" seedy off-the-main-strip seedy Vegas hotel after vacationing in Africa or Alaska or The Virgin Islands or somewhere equally beautiful, pure and serene. It would be like selling out my soul for a small, quick unsatisfactory dose of pleasure when what I want is The Real Thing.
This song expresses it all. To be embraced by another at this time would feel like less. Sad. Sorrowful. Wrong. Tainted. A farce. These lips, my arms, my mind, my heart, soul and body- are waiting for my one and only. No one else will do. I've had people assure me that I can turn to a soul mate for relief but I know I would feel like this song- it would hurt because inside I'd always wish it was Joron; I'd always know I was supposed to be doing "the hard work" to help balance us- and running off to the arms of another man as an easy distraction... well, that won't work for me.
My Last Goodbye
These chains around my heart they just won't set me free,
They're rusty and they're bittersweet 'cuz I know he's missing me.
Like two ships in the night forever passing in the breeze,
Darlin' hold me tight and let me pretend my love's finally been released.
When you kiss me please don't mind if I gently close my eyes,
And when you pull me close don't be alarmed by the tears I try to hide.
When we're together please ignore the pain you know's inside,
'Cuz being with you is just getting me over my last goodbye.
Love's come unraveled on rippling waves of mournful lullabies,
They say tranquility often flows in the wake of a goodbye.
If you hold me tight I'll fight to quiet all my lonesome sounds,
There's no peace for me only the echo of my last go 'round.
When you kiss me please don't mind if I gently close my eyes,
And when you pull me close don't be alarmed by the tears I try to hide.
When we're together please ignore the pain you know's inside,
'Cuz being with you is just getting me over my last goodbye.
My bitter truth argues against your hopeful heart,
Believe me I know it feels like Hell being slowly torn apart.
So let the wistful kisses cover up my little blue lies,
You know being with you is just getting me over my last goodbye.
I'm sorry darlin' but being with you won't ever get me over my last goodbye.
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