FEAR, NASTY FEAR

This is a moment that has changed everything for me on this journey.  What happened recently in my soul union with Joron was a brutal slap upside the head, kick in the pants, from my Higher Self in order to save me.  And it hurt but was ultimately necessary.  I'm still reeling and trying to come to grips with how strong our mirroring is.

I can't shake the memory of how Joron asked to hold my hand on our first date.  We walked outside to look at my birthday blue moon and he surprised me by looking at me with those twinkling blue eyes while we walked, smiling and asking me, "Do you mind if I hold your hand?"  It was a sweet, quaint, tender and respectful gesture.  He wasn't trying to feel my up in the bar.  He wasn't trying to make out with me.  He wasn't making suggestive innuendos- no... he wanted to hold my hand.  We walked along together holding hands and as he ran his thumb across my palm I was rendered speechless and had to look away because I had the goofiest most joyful smile on my face.  That date ended with a kiss that made me lose some brain cells, cells I've never recovered.  We walked to our cars and as I turned to him he just owned me with his kiss, laid it on me like he'd been waiting all night and could not wait one moment longer.  Swift but intense, tongue and all- he took my breath away.  Truly a magical kiss on a most enchanting first date.  *swoon*  He text as soon as he got home and thanked me, asked me for a second date.  Showed enthusiasm and a grace that is no longer known around these parts when it comes to men.  I fell in love with him immediately.

His is very loving and kind.  Sweet with his heart on his sleeve.  Oh help me God but when we talked about sex he was always very tentative about it, like he might offend me.  We talked about it before we made love because we waited a little while to be intimate, quite a few dates consisting of hours of kissing but no hands straying, lol.  Lots of talking, sharing and dreaming.  Always highly respectful.  Highly.  He always said he was looking forward to making love with me because he knew it would be kissy, sweet and wonderful but he could wait, and would wait as long as I needed to.

Whenever he was flirty via email he'd always freak out about it afterwards.  Like once he sent me a fantasy and then was all worried in the next message that he may have offended me or been disrespectful.  He told me his mother raised him right, raised him to respect women.  I had to reassure him that no, he didn't offend.  I couldn't imagine him ever saying or doing anything to offend me because he was so careful, loving and considerate.  He made me home made perogies and brought me organic beef.  And chocolate.  He courted me like a gentleman.  He babysat for his toddler nieces and nephews even though he had no kids of his own.  He donates his time at soup kitchens and worked at an animal shelter.  He's having his teen-age niece visit him and he talks to her on the phone all the time because she is hurting... he's like the sweetest man EVER.

I had to lead him to my room the first time we made love.  He would not make the first move.  I seriously can recall how we'd sit there entwined and making out.  He'd look deeply into my eyes but would not make the first move.  He waited for me to do it.  It was sweet and amazing, and he was so overwhelmed that it didn't even work perfectly the first time despite weeks of waiting and anticipation.  I've read that is typical for twin souls the first time because of the intensity.  It let me know that he wasn't just looking to hop in the sack and fuck me because once we were in the sack, naked and close, things would not, er, work they way he wanted them to, and it was honestly so sweet and vulnerable how we giggled and worked together to be as close as possible, get to know each other intimately- HE IS AN ANGEL.  Afterwards we cuddled and snuggled and had science pillow talk... and I'd honestly pass up all the money in the world in order to have him back with me.

Which is why what happened between him and myself recently shocked me.  Blew me away.  Broke me open and finally opened my eyes to practicing all that I learn and preach about staying cleansed, whole and positive- loving.  See I've been having a real problem with anger here lately.  This is why you have not seen a blog post from me.  I finally had contact with Joron a few weeks ago after eight weeks of silence.  That first contact came after I blogged here about how sweet and wonderful he is.  That conversation ended with a heartfelt "I love you Rose."  He said he missed me.  And I feared.  I doubted.  I questioned.  I didn't listen to my guidance.  I didn't write my truth like I've been told to do.  No- I barely even journaled and I waited waited waited to hear from him, and contact was slowwwww.  The more I doubted, the more I tried to choke down my anger at not hearing from him, the quieter he became.

Spirit... it's how Spirit works with me!

I sent him a pretty picture and got a weak, "You look nice."  His responses became one-liners- and I already knew not to manipulate with pretty photos or hot videos.  Doesn't work in a soul connection, and it probably tortures him to have to stay "off" when I send him something akin to giving a toddler a piece of really tasty candy.  Yet still that strange divinely orchestrated communication would come through, like a couple weeks ago I was fretting about "how much does he love me" and "I wish he'd say good morning like he used to when we dated" and minutes later, 7:28AM Midwest time which means on the west coast he should have been sleeping I got a text {and we rarely text any longer} that said, "Good morning my princess.  I love you with all of my heart." 

And yet I doubt, right?  And the doubt increases my fear and then I get angry and want to block it all out.  I get rageful inside, and I am not proud to admit this.  And I do mean RAGE.  Like... this past Friday night was a bad moment. I was raging at God, my soul and my twin.  I said I wanted to die, to just kill me because this is too painful, too hard, too stupid... etc.  No more needs to be put into writing.  One of my friends who is going through her own twin soul experience called me and had to get really verbal with me to get me to calm down.  She told me, "You will fuck this all up if you don't quit."  I said, and I hate that I said this and I only write it here in the slight offchance someone might read it and NEVER DO WHAT I'VE DONE.  I said, "Sometimes I feel like he hates me."

Saturday morning I was feeling vile.  I yelled at my son and made him cry for little reason.  I felt no compassion, a total lack of love and light.  I faked it.  Did our routine.  Played, cleaned to relieve some stress but inside I felt really shitty.  I was mad that I wasn't hearing from Joron and I hadn't been writing or journaling so then I get all locked up inside.  That lead to Saturday night- and I also bought wine Saturday night, drank some.  BAD MOVE.  My guidance, as you already know if you've read my blog, has very specifically told me and shown me NO DRINKING.

Sunday I didn't go to church.  And then I did it: I caved and started drinking wine in the afternoon because, oh I don't know why.  Because I refused to listen.  And my sister came out with a cigarette so I took a drag of that too when I am SO not supposed to be doing harm to myself: orders from above.  I was on the phone with a friend bitching about the "ignoring" and saying some other dumb shit when all of a sudden after a week of silence I got two emails in my inbox.  Now mind you the last communication I had with Joron was a phone call that ended with him telling me that YES there was still a possibility of us being together in the future, and he said my son is not a deal breaker but instead a sweet child.

Now, Sunday afternoon about 5PM my time which is 3PM his time and he NEVER ever emails at that time, he sends me two messages that SHOCKED me into sobriety, forever.  They came through immediately after I said, "I'm so sick and tired of being ignored."  I refuse to detail them completely here but let me tell you the first one began like this: "Sorry... I've just been ignoring you.  I've been thinking, and it's only been attraction.  I'm going to be home for four weeks here soon and when I come home I want to do A, B & C to you- nothing else.  No talking.  I come in, **** you, and leave."

And so on and so forth.  It was, in essence, Spirit reaching down and shaking me awake saying HOW DOES THE REFLECTION FEEL ROSE?  Do you like it?  Does that vileness feel good?  DOES IT FEEL GOOD TO IGNORE HIS LOVE AND HAVE THAT LACK OF LOVE REFLECTED BACK TO YOU?  Go ahead Rosie- fear some more.  Create a few more monsters and see how they feel when they come back to bite you in the stubborn ass.

The second message was even worse.  The night before I had went out and was thinking of how it sucks being celibate- I was thinking I need to get laid.  Spirit spent a near year cleaning me up, making me wholesome and good which is my true nature, and I was beginning to backslide into my self-destructive tendencies, and alcohol helps this process lots hence why I am to avoid the drink.  It strips me of my spiritual protection and leaves me vulnerable to being... dark.  On Saturday night {and all I could do was go to the coffee shop for a while because I had a sitter- but I drank before I left, like an ass} as I walked past a few bars I was thinking, "I should get prettied up one night and come out, flirt around, etc. etc."  UGH- it's all the behavior I am supposed to AVOID.  So in his message he wrote, "You are so sexy and beautiful.  You could get ****** anytime you want to.  I want to come back and..."  Okay- you get the jist of it.  His words were... a damn strong wake up call.  And do NOT, I mean- do not try and convince me otherwise.  Do not write me telling me that I am in denial, or that it was all his ego, etc. etc. etc.  That is actually pretty damn dumb when you look at the cause and effect involved in the situation.

I threw out some nasty energy, some really vile intention, and he shot that shit back to me immediately.  Spirit uses him as an exact mirror for me.  As long as I exist in fear and doubt concerning his love for me I will only receive either silence from his end, or else tepid lukewarm apathetic lacking empathy and emotion {affectionless} messages from him- and yes, it is like putting myself in my own self-inflicted Hell.  Or if I am REALLY hitting rock bottom then I will be tortured with my own energy... and frankly I am getting tired of kicking my own ass.

I still love my little adorable twin soul with all of my heart, maybe even more now that he is sacrificing his love for me in order to "hurt" me so I will wake the fuck up.  I look forward to the day I can look into his beautiful eyes, see his julilant smile, and hug him again while whispering, "Thank you for saving me my Love."

XXOO