Bittersweet Insight: Sad Tonight

 

Warning:  this is probably my most shocking personal post I've shared so please don't judge me.  I'm not a bad person but my habits have not been the best.  I am not sure why or how it hit me so hard but... I'm sad tonight, and a little scared.  Have you ever gotten hit with insight so strong that you are almost embarrassed to see how fucking blind you were just moments before?  That total flash of inner information, a hidden truth being revealed, crashes over you... and you think, "Oh my God how did I not see that before?"

Well that is me tonight.  I've been sitting here trying to work on my writing and I started thinking about Joron.  My guidance keeps using the word "illness" with me- my illness is pretty well healed I guess.  I thought it meant emotional illness, and that is it partially.  But mostly it means alcohol.  I think I have to stop drinking pretty much altogether.  And I think I have to write a book about how my twin soul helped me avoid becoming an alcoholic.  I gained this insight tonight while I was talking on the phone about a few things.  I noticed a pattern concerning my drinking and how he behaves towards me, and I mean when he has no idea I've been drinking but he is mirroring my issues back to me via our connection.

I worked in the city for a few years, about ten years ago.  Drank way too much.  I even blacked out once or twice.  Real nice, huh?  I hate to admit it but I've been behind the wheel drunk, just praying to get home safely.  I was home alone a lot in my marriage, quite lonely.  It is not an excuse though.  I should have been smarter.

Joron and I had one argument while dating.  He called me and we were having a fine conversation but I'd been drinking and he didn't know it.  We began talking about religion and something he said rubbed me the wrong way and I suddenly hung up on him.  I didn't even realize I was going to do it, and BAM we entered into the strangest few days of separation.  I prayed hard for him to want to stay with me, and he did, and we continued on in love.  Not long after that though he got the job offer and moved away.

It was even harder trying to avoid drinking after he left.  He had no idea I was drinking as much as I was; I didn't even realize how much I was drinking.  How embarrassing but I'd drink whiskey right from the bottle.  I had a total weakness for whiskey.  If there was alcohol in the house I'd drink it, and sometimes right after work just so I could calm down and deal with my life, not enough to be drunk but enough to numb the sadness I felt over my life.  Alcohol gave me the temporary "high" I needed to be playful.  I was totally self-medicating with alcohol.  Not always but often.  I'd drink before a party so I'd already be lit before I got there. It was becoming a problem

Horrifying, right?  I never really saw it though.  It's terrible.  I am so embarrassed.  One night after Joron left I was in my car driving down this little road near my home.  It was dark outside, totally slippery in the winter weather.  I was alone, open bottle of booze in my car.  I was totally tipsy- talking on my phone with the slippery nasty road, and I almost slid right off the road going pretty fast.  I recall managing to keep control of my car but I was pretty much out of control of myself.  I was drunk, talking on my phone, driving in the dark in the middle of a winter storm.  Death. Wish. 

Then there was the time I drank while my son was still awake.  We climbed into my bed and I woke up like four hours later with Little Man in my arms and I had no fucking clue how he got into my bed.  Did he come from his room?  What happened?  I was so disoriented and it took me a minute or two to remember that I'd fallen asleep, passed out actually, with my son in my arms.

Do you see a really bad pattern here?  My son, bless his little heart, asked me later why I fell asleep like I did, why I stopped talking to him when we were in bed.  OMG- I am so sad tonight.  SO so so sad.

There were times I didn't remember how I put my son to bed.  They are few, thankfully, but at least twice.  Once... I woke and had to go check on him because I didn't remember putting him to bed.  Luckily he was sleeping soundly so God watched out for me and managed to get Little Man to bed okay.  Or else I'd wake up in his bed, drinking before I put him to sleep and then falling asleep with him.

I honestly didn't realize how much I was drinking, as stupid as that sounds.  I didn't drink every night but I guess it was pretty often.  My last soul mate took me out for dinner on a date and I was so nervous I drank before we left and couldn't remember half our evening.  Luckily with Joron I didn't drink much- being with him was so joyful I didn't care to drink.  But once he left it was harder.

And the night he ran.  I am so trying not to cry.  The night he just disappeared from my life for a while, well I'd been drinking that night too.  I'd gotten under his skin and I knew it.  I was scared and I drank to escape my fear.  I wasn't expecting to hear from him that night and I crashed early, half passing out at 9PM on a Friday night.  He tried texting me but I was "sleeping."  He wrote, "I did want to talk with you tonight.  Are you there?  You must be sleeping."  Those were his last words to me for a few weeks.

I look back at that, how he ran THAT night, and I have to wonder if a large majority of our separation was to heal me of my dependency on alcohol.  Luckily I am sober with no treatment- the last time I got shit-faced Joron shot me an email that was cold and full of my biggest fears that his science is more important than me.  My guidance then let me know that he can feel me.  My energy plummets and I let the dark in when I drink... I get very morose and depressed, and not only do I feel like shit but my twin soul feels my energy and reacts in fear.  It was a very clear mirrored reflection to show me just how bad I was getting.  Very bad.  I was functioning but very soon I would have been slipping into an addiction that I would not have been able to escape from.  My guidance calls this time my "Winter of Sobriety."  I just went through the longest, coldest, loneliest, darkest winter of my entire life.

I hope you can see what I see.  Without this man in my life I would have hit a really bad hard rock bottom with my drinking.  I can't drink any more.  I really don't even need a glass of wine at a wedding; it only makes me feel sick and gives me an instant headache.  I get super tired when I drink.  I just think I am too sensitive to drink alcohol, even a little- and I was drinking a LOT.  I don't even see how I managed to avoid disaster but luckily I did, with help from The Divine I'm sure.

Meeting Joron though- that's what finally stopped me from continuing to swill whiskey.  You'd think the precious life of my four year-old or my own health would have been enough.  I am truly mortified to admit these things but I can't hide from them.  I didn't notice all this before.  It took my twin soul showing me how much fear and nasty I shoot out there when I drink.  Once I got slapped in the face with it, my heart crushed, that was the last time I got drunk.  That was back in February.  

I will never get drunk again.  My plan is to rarely drink unless the occasional toast or small glass of wine at a tasting or something.  I am so lucky that I am not "addicted" in that I don't need rehab or AA but I do know I have to be very aware of my sticky relationship with alcohol; it is a total vice and crutch for me.  One I have to be rid of now.

I have to admit my fear.  I'm sorry but I have to.  I know that twin souls do come to us to help heal us.  My Joron is a dear sweet soul.  He's... been my prince.  My helper.  He's clearly helped heal me... my mirror.  But I am a little nervous that once he's done his duty to me... that we will be done.  That thought makes me sob.  I am so sad.  He has went quiet again and it makes my heart ache but I am not upset with him.  I just feel that I have no control over any of it but myself.  I can't be upset because without him I'd be totally lost.  My heart goes out to him.  I love him so much for helping me.  I never saw how bad off I'd become, and there was no way he could stay with me.  He had to leave in order to show me all this.  We had to be apart long enough for me to "see" my problem so I know I can never go back to the bottle again.  He couldn't be married to a drunk... and I need to be healthy for me and even more so for my Little Man who needs me.

This song has been popular throughout my twin soul journey.  Truer words have never been spoken.  

"Mirror"

"Aren't you somethin, an original

'Cause it doesn't seem merely a sample
And I can't help but stare, 'cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I would look at us all the time

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong."

No matter if we are meant to be together forever or if our time has come and gone... I will love that man for eternity.  He has shown me so so much about myself.  I can't say I am not feeling a little weak right now.  My heart is aching.  I want to hear from him.  I miss him so much but I also know he's helped make me whole.  Whatever happens I am thankful for knowing him, and I won't forget the things he's shown me about myself.  He's also showed me good things- he really has been my strongest mirror.

I miss those blue eyes and his cheerful grin.  I've never wanted anything more... but thank God he left me.  That is soooooo difficult and painful to write but thank God he left me.  I think I would have been in big trouble had I stayed on the path I was headed and only his leaving me worked to set me on the straight and narrow.   Seeing this so clearly makes it all easier to understand.  The purpose is so strong that even if, and oh this makes my heart hurt, he doesn't stay in my life I can see why he was here in the first place. 

Only God really knows where it goes from here.  I do love him though, my Joron.  My gem.