That Love

I love him and I miss him.  So much.

Some people would probably say I am obsessed but... what can I do if this feeling is always here?  I am not a stalker.  I don't even know where he lives.  I could find out if I tried hard enough but I am not meant to do that.  So I am out here, thousands of miles away it seems, loving someone and I know nothing much about him besides the sweet things I remember of the moments we shared together.  I don't contact him often.  Once in a while I do if I feel the energy is okay.  If I've done my inner reflection.  If I haven't then it's really a moot point and I may as well just write words of love in my journal and/or think good thoughts to him. 

Please understand if it were not for ALL the signs that point to him being this "twin flame" connection, or whatever this divinely magnetic yet polar "spiritual quantum entanglement" truly is, then I'd be long gone, moved on.  But I do get signs, even from him.  I have heard from James but I am keeping that contact to myself.  The last time I heard from him was Christmas and he said, "Merry Christmas beautiful."  So there are solid reasons, divine and real world, why I am working through this, always hoping, always praying.  Trying to keep the faith.  Wishing and dreaming to see my Love again.

And then there is this LOVE I feel for him.  I've never felt this way about any other man in my life, and I've loved strongly in the past.  But never like this.

He. Is. Special.  Especially special to me.

This deep ache, it is why I love myself so much.  Because I deal with heartache every minutes that I am awake.  And it hurts.  And because of that I baby myself.  Because of that I do not take anyone's shit.  Because of that I do what *I* want to when *I* want to.  Of course there are certain necessary evils like work but even then I have a lot of paid time off and I use it.  I pamper myself.  I take days off and just sit at the coffee shop and think or write or read or talk to strangers.  I DO live in the moment; I have to because it's all I have.  I do not want to waste my life away just because I miss someone.  I did not ask for this twin soul union or separation.  I never wanted to be away from him.  It was not my heart's desire.  I wish we were still together hanging out, kissing and hugging and sharing life and love.  But because I feel he is meant to be with me, and that he does not want me with anyone else and I don't want to be with anyone else, I am alone often.  So due to this "different" life I live, a life where I don't do many of the same things single women my age do like date or flirt or even talk to men, I am going to LIVE it up in other ways.  And it's simple pleasures for me.

Chocolate cake.

Coffee shop time.

Peppermint mochas.

Hot tea.

Beads.

Bookstores.

Books.

The X-Files.

Blank journals and lots and lots of smooth-writing pens.

Dinners out with my Little Man.

Good candy.

Days off to be lazy and... breathe.

Ignoring housework until I feel like tackling it, and smiling about the wait.

Bubble baths.

Lunches out with my friends.

Cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies.

Cheeseburgers.

NO yoga.

"Self-love" and I do mean that kind of self-love.  30 months of celibacy leads to a lot of self-touch mixed with memories of my Love.

So when I say that I try to "remember" my Love and write about our times together don't worry that I am living in the past and not "being in the now."  Because I am in the now.  I have to be- I am raising a sweet little six year-old who demands my attention.  And he is learning to READ, OMG.  He's reading.  My little reader.  He reads to me at night and I cheer him on and it's so damn sweet.

I live for this moment.  But I also miss the times spent with James.  Very much.  And because I am living this strange experience where what I focus on most is what comes into my reality when it comes to James I try to really focus on that man I shared time with.  The one who sat on my couch smiling at me, holding my hand, making me laugh and kissing me for hours on end.  "Non-stop kisses" as he says.  The man who text me and told me he was standing next to Tiger Woods and still all he could think about was me, his sweet girlfriend.  Who brought me European cookies from the import store because some he just knew to do so even though I'd never told him I love those kind of cookies.  Who told me he'd wait however long it took to make love with me because just sitting with me and being with me and talking with me and knowing me and kissing me was enough for him.  Who, after telling me how hot and sexy he thinks I am, would then follow up and share that he also just loves me for me, for my mind and my thoughts and my presence.  Who knew that me being a mother was my main priority so no questions asked he made time and effort to come to my place and be with me instead of ever pushing me to get a sitter, or instead of avoiding me until I could be free.  No, after a long day of work in the city he'd go home then drive to my place and hang with me for a few hours.   Who, good Lord, kept in touch constantly.  Good mornings, good nights, and all the inbetweens.  James always wanted to talk to me or say hello.  He called all the time, left sweet voicemails when I could not answer.  Text just to say hi.  If he was not in my physical presence then he never ever left me hanging.  Never left me wondering.  He is a committed type of guy.  NO fucking games.  No drama.  No chaos.  And I am so not a "drama" type of woman to begin with.  I hate that shit so we make a good pair.  But he knew my worth, and he made sure to show me.  And he was just overall sweet, gentle and kind.  Very affectionate.  My dream come true.  There is a reason why I am still in this, continuing to have faith even when the road can see so very dark.  Because he's so very worth it, and I am worth it.  I WANT that amazing love back in my life!  He's a beautiful love.  A wonderful human being who showed me what it felt like to be loved completely, a strong pur genuine healthy FUN joyous love. 

Always respectful.  Always kind.  Always loving.  And I know this is truly him, my Love.  And I miss him.  We never had a good-bye.  He said it was not good-bye but "until next time."

And I know there will be a next time.  I dream of it every day.  I dream of the moment when I see him at my doorstep again, when I can hug him and never ever ever let go.  All I want to do is hug him.  No questions asked.  No apologies necessary.  I don't need explanations.  All I want is him in my arms, in my life.  I want to touch his face.  God I want to look into his smiling eyes.  I want to kiss him again.  Be kissed by him.  I want to make love for... days, lol.

My good friend said it best when she told me I feel like I am married to him in spirit, and I do.  I only want him.  My heart says, "Please only James."  And I am being true to my heart.  And my soul.  I know my soul is in love with James, and it tries very hard to keep my focused on this "quest."  I think that is why the ache and pull and desire is still so strong, because it originates from my soul.

I love him and I miss him.  So much.

For good reason.

XxOo

Jen

"Beautiful"

Recently someone posted on my blog and made the comment that, and I am summarizing, I don't need James' affection or attention in my life.

He calls me beautiful still, and I loved it when he called me "honey."  "Honey" coming from his sweet sexy adorably loving voice makes me melt.  Oh how I miss hearing my love call me honey.  I'd super duper love to hear my sweetheart call me honey again!!!

Well first of all let me make a very important correction- it's not his attentions that I primarily want even though I must admit his complimentary nature was so refreshing and wonderful!!!  I desire to have HIM and his loving self back in my life.  HIM.  Not his telling me how awesome I am although I appreciated it when he did it.  He is so sweet.  But I don't need to have someone in my life simply because I need to be told I am beautiful constantly.  Not at all.

I am assuming she meant this as I should love myself enough to not need or want that affirmation from another person, telling me I am beautiful.  Because I need to know I am beautiful on my own, without someone telling me.  And I do understand that, totally.  I may have my issues but YES I do know I am a beautiful person despite not having a man in my life to tell me so.  Well I lie.  I DO have a man who constantly tells me he loves me and how beautiful I am.

He's six. And about 47" tall.  And he eats his boogers and runs up to me, turns around, farts on me and runs off giggling.  And I love it.

But James DID treat me like an absolute princess, and he's the best love I've ever known besides the love of my son. And I love him and I miss him. 

I don't think we need to feel guilty or weak or dependent because we appreciate when someone is loving to us and goes out of his way to pay us sweet gentle affectionate attention or makes us a priority or wants to make us happy or desires to make us feel good and does.  Why is it wrong to want that wonderfulness or totally appreciate it?  Love it?

Miss it?

I totally miss him and the sweet way he loved me when he was in my life, and I refuse to feel like I shouldn't "want" him and his love, attention and affections back in my life.

It's been on my mind and I needed to get it out here.  YES I know I am love, loving, loveable.  But it DOES feel good to be loved and appreciated by another human being, and yes I DO want him and his sweet love and affection back in my life.  And I want to give him myself and my sweet love and affection in return.

That's called being human and being love.

Sobriety? Perfection? Self-Betterment?

This is my life, right here.  And no the cardboard on the window isn't a hole being covered, lol.  It's my son and his addiction to tape and being imaginative.  Who knows why the cardboard is taped to the window?  He probably drew something on it but I can't tell from here.  As an aside, you can kinda see the edge of the couch there and that's where I sat and kissed James for ages, *sigh*

The picture on the wall, the lighter-colored one, is of a mother cuddling her little boy and I bought it at the thrift shop because it looks just like me and PJ.  I want to carefully remove the backing and paint it.  I've always cuddled him and still do.  He loves our cuddle time.

But this picture shows pretty much the jist of my life right now.  Kid, trains, living room as a play area.  But he's happy.  And that's what matters most to me about the things I actually do have in my physical life right now.  My child is happy.  And that brings me satisfaction.  It's really my main satisfaction right now, my happy son.

And I don't even feel bad admitting that.  It is what it is.

I have not been fully sober.  I don't get drunk, just FYI.  Getting drunk sucks ass.

That said, full sobriety is not coming easy to me.  I wish I could say that yeah, I've been able to stay away from drinking altogether but no.  I have not.

I don't let myself get drunk though.  Still I personally know it's better if I don't drink because it makes me feel gross.  Listen I work with women who drink an entire bottle of red wine by themselves more nights than not and if I did that right now I'd be barfing.  An entire bottle of red wine would kill me.  I want to drink enough to take the edge off.  No need to lecture me though.  I should be able to address life with no numbing.  I get it.

But I ask myself- so what do I do about this admission, that I am having trouble staying fully sober?  That a glass of wine or a shot {or two} of whiskey helps, in some cases, me get through my "bad" evenings?  The ones where I miss James so much that I want to claw my own heart out? Do I hate myself for not being stronger?  Do I convince myself that I don't "love myself" enough to be sober?  Do I think that my higher self or God will judge me or my energy will be totally out of whack?

On this twin soul journey we are told we need to "do the work" and most people think of this as getting more healthy, doing yoga, raising vibration, changing ones diet, stopping all vices, meditating, etc.  Becoming "spiritual" and more loving to self and to others, working to achieve unconditional love, low reactivity, and being very healthy in all ways.

Staying JOYFUL!!!  *right*

So what happens when we still have a "vice" like drinking?  Does that keep the twin soul away?  What if I had a glass of wine every night, one, and loved every minute of it with no shame and no guilt involved?  My sister always tells me to quit freaking out.  That I'm not an "alcoholic."  What I am is... lonely.

And should I feel guilty, bad, wrong or weak for being lonely?  What if I don't feel a shit ton of shame or badness in my shot of whiskey?  Some people drink a few beers or glasses of wine every night.  So what happens if I have a glass of merlot while making dinner... and I enjoy the slight buzz I get because it softens the ache I feel just long enough for me to enjoy my child's evening together with me?  I can ache after he falls asleep.  Or during the day while I work.  But not while I'm with him.

Listen I know how this sounds and I am just being totally brutally honest.  Do we have to be PERFECT?  Or should we be free from guilt or shame or self-judgment and instead allow self-acceptance?

What is "the work" we need to do?  In my journey I have my ideas.  To accept myself as I am right this very moment, "flaws" and all, and to also realize that my twin soul loves and accepts me too, just as I am right this moment.  I think that sums it up.  Also to go ahead and derive joy any way that feels good to me, like going to the coffee shop instead of yoga.  Or eating that piece of chocolate cake even though I can't see my hip bones, and to not hate myself because I seriously hate exercise besides going for walks or bike rides.  I LOVE walking the neighborhood or especially in nature, like at the park, but I refuse to go to the gym.  It is torturous for me.  I am really low-movement, and I always have been.  I would much rather sit and read a book than work out!!!  I canNOT understand these people who LOVE to jog, and oh GOD I wish I had that jog-loving gene but I don't.  Then later I feel guilty because I don't like to exercise.  But I don't want to feel guilty.  I just want to be happy with myself and the choices I make in my life.

I want to feel no guilt over my shot of whiskey or my glass of wine.  And I don't want to feel like I'll never reunite if I'm not totally sober and perfect.  Because that's never going to happen.  I'm always going to be gloriously perfectly imperfect.  Unorganized.  A bit flighty.  ENFP all the way.  I have the, "Oh I am SOOOoooo excited about this!  Tell me more!  Yeah, really it sounds great... LOOK a squirrel!" thing going on.  Only shit I am passionate about holds my attention or becomes my mission.  Shit I am not personally invested in? *yawn*  Luckily for me PEOPLE, love, mercy, justice, children, freedom, etc. are all topics I am passionate about.  Good stuff.  Reality TV, Fifty Shades of Gray, Prada... etc. mean nothing to me.  Superficiality is like meh.  Whatev.

But The X-Files does turn me on.  I must admit that.  Huge X-Phile here.  Mulder and Scully are my buddies.  They helped me through a lot.  I'm so excited to see they are back ;)

I don't know how much of this twin soul journey is what people preach it to be.  Spiritual perfection.  Finding "God" {this God outside of ourselves I mean} being so "perfect" and wrapped in 100% unconditional self-love and love for others.  And this ONE person, this twin soul, comes to us, loves us and then leaves to force us to get there?  To this perfection?

I don't think so.

I still think it is much more personal.  And it has to do with us accepting ourselves and our flaws and realizing that we ARE good enough to be totally and completely LOVED and accepted by another amazingly loving human being, a person who is just as rockin' awesome as we are.  To shed ourselves of our fears of not being loveable or keepable or cherishable because it is those fears that we need to shed in order to become that butterfly and reach Awakening.  Love over fear, and it's a very personal journey, "The Hero's Journey."  And of course we MUST love ourselves enough, and know our own personal worth, BEFORE we will ever be emotionally healthy enough to believe that someone else could love us too and want us in their lives forever.

So yes, it does go back to self-love.  But I still don't think we must achieve this perfect level of self-love.  We do have to get past self-loathing, self-harming, self-hatred.  I used to be there, total self-loathing.  And now I can honestly say I LOVE myself.  I protect myself.  I stand up for myself.  I adore me.  I love the woman I am.  I just still have a few issues with my appearance, weight, etc.  And I am terribly lonely for James, and I miss him SO much that it still aches.  I've had to work through a lot in this separation, and I still am!  Residual, the deepest issues are the hardest to root out.  Still though, let's say I used to love myself maybe 15%.  Enough to seem normal and smiley and wear my masks perfectly.  Well now I love myself 90%.  And maybe I won't ever get to 100%, and that's okay.  I don't need to be perfect.  I just have to know I am wonderful.  I am LOVE, and I do.  I am. 

I feel it is WAY more personal than people make it to be with all the talk about it being a "mission for humanity" and all of this.  It is only in the sense that when we love ourselves and are no longer in fear then we project more love out into the world, and love is what we and the world needs now.  But I think that's it.  And if it causes some of us to do spiritual-social-helpful work alone or together, then great!  But I think for many of us life will go on as it is now once we are reunited.  For some of us it will seem like two people in love, in relationship.   Moms, dads, going to work, living aware in a 3D world while being more 4D and 5D.  We tend to read that reuniting with a twin soul is all mystical and "high" and I don't know if I believe that.  I think it has to do with LOVE and accepting ourselves while realizing we are so so so loveable that they DO love us, no matter how it might appear right now.  Believing that they are good people who love us despite what they must show us, and loving ourselves through it all, even the setbacks and moments we wish we could undo.  Please believe me when I tell you that in order to ever reunite with a twin soul you don't only need to love yourself but you really must be able to believe that your twin soul is a good person, loves you, and is helping you NOT hurting you.  You must do this.  And you can't just "love him."  You have to know he loves you too, and he wants the best for you, and he's only playing his role for you.

Love your twin, know he loves you and is your spiritual BFF and helper, and love yourself.  Know the reasons WHY your twin loves you so much!!!

Even when we allow that glass of wine in order to help us relax.  Or we skip the gym and eat the cake.  As long as we can smile and accept ourselves, and love our others.

At least that's how it feels to me.

No Labels! We are LOVE!

Oh I saw this video today and it's so so true.  One of those most beautiful sentiments I've seen in a long time.  Such a good reminder. 

"I am not black.  You are not white."  No reason to label ourselves based on the "cars we drive" AKA our bodies that "drive" around our souls.

Or thin.  Or fat.  Or old.  Or young.  Or rich.  Or poor.  Or successful.  Or "down on your luck." 

Or a refugee.  Or a beggar.  Or or or.

Ugh, someone PLEASE show this video at Trump's next rally.  PLEASE please please.  Trump is a spreader of hatred and separation.  I try not to focus on badness and hate but Trump makes my stomach turn because his message is so hateful and people follow him!  People want to buy into his intolerance and hatred and ignorance and it's pretty damn scary.

I love how at the end of this video he says we are all love.

How true. 

We are all love.

A Fall

I woke with this song in my head this morning.  "Just remember I love you and it will be alright.  Just remember I love you more than I can say."  I also had the song "I'm Gonna Stand By You" in my head as I woke a few times during the night.  I had a "day" yesterday.  Not a powerful day I'd say.  Short version is I almost reconnected with an old love-interest, one I know I am not meant to reconnect with.  Not because he's "bad!"  No, he's a good guy but we've never been able to be together due to life experiences although we've known each other and been fond of one another for a long time, meaning we kissed each others faces off years back and it was a memorable moment neither one of us has forgotten yet otherwise we've never dated or anything.  Anyway I was reminded of him yesterday.  He's single.  Whatever.  I spent most of the day battling between knowing it's not "divine will" to want to meet him for coffee or hear his voice again and trying to convince myself that "Well it's only coffee."  In the end I think the universe stepped in and I did not connect with him.  I'm glad.  He's been a temptation on my path before and I can't let that happen again.  But it was a temptation yesterday. 

That said, I took a good hard fall last night.  Literally.  On my ass.  See there is this thing that I won't explain here because it is too far out, but it seems to be used as a reflection for me.  From my twin.  I can't prove this 100% but I FEEL it in my bones.  And my heart.  And last night after spending the day thinking about kissing this other man I saw a reflection I did not like.  It pissed me off and I walked out my front door hating the world, hating this experience and hating God.  I said out loud, "I hate you!"  And I fell.  Hard.  I hit some ice, feet flew out from under me, phone went flying into the landscaping, and I crash-landed on my side.  Luckily I was wearing my bulky winter jacket or I might have broken my arm.  I hurt today because my arm and wrist caught most of my fall.  But it kind of woke me up, at least right then.  I felt like maybe my own anger was being shown to me.  It feels like the "reflection" I saw could have very well been the energy of NOT focusing on my love for my twin and instead fantasizing all day about another man.  Meaning I did it to myself.

Either that or else I'm seriously just losing my mind.

I'm living an experience right now that no one could easy believe or understand or grasp.  I barely can myself.  My twin soul friends and I have had distance put between us and we are all in different stages of this journey.  My stage seems to the "militantly trying to stay on the twin soul path" scenario and I think to others I seem pretty damn loony.  My aunt started in the other day with the whole, "While I respect your beliefs you know I'd really love to see someone nice come into...." and I told her to please JUST STOP.  I don't want to hear it.  Respect me or don't ask how I am.  Respect my beliefs or don't mention this AT ALL.  Just ask me how I am, how is work, how is PJ and leave it alone.  But do NOT disrespect my beliefs or my heart. So it's a bit isolating and that's weird.  I sometimes feel like I am seeing something that almost no one on earth has seen, this pattern, this process, and I don't know what to do with that all the time, seeing something that no one else sees.

But my fall on my ass last night... I lay there crying for a minute in the cold but then I realized I probably created, asked for, that which I saw that made me angry.  What I saw pushed all my insecurity buttons.  I need to work on that.  I can't get mad at what I create.  It's all on me.  Fuck me, right?

I meant to talk about body image so let me make another post.

Jen

Come to Me

I need to focus.  My mind really is all over the place and I've been battling some hopelessness and anger, not directed at James but at the universe concerning my situation.  And negativity directed towards anyone or anything isn't going to help this whatsoever so I need to find balance.

I dream of James being in my life as my friend, husband, lover and companion more than anything in the whole wide world. If I had a choice between winning a billion dollars in the lotto or having my sweet James back in my life I'd choose love over money in half a heartbeat.  I'd be with him no matter what as long as he could be my love, in my life. I want to share life with him. I want to cook him Shepherd's Pie and make a nice warm comfy home with him. I dream of having a loving family with him and being so excited to see him after a long day, waiting expectantly to hug and kiss him . I dream of James being the man to show my son how his mommy should be loved, openly and with tenderness and compassion, gently like he once did. I want it ALL and I feel in my heart he actually wants all of this with me too, no matter what it looks like right now.

I have to keep my energy and focus and intention on target.  It hurts my heart to know there are sooooo many people out there convinced that we don't "need" to be with anyone, and that we really should be okay to always be alone. Why? Why alone? LOVE is everything, and not just unconditional love for self or for humanity... but also love for that special ONE. Why do you think we as humans are designed  as we are, to mate? Point A to be inserted into Point B yet we LOVE hard as well as have biological urges? Because we are created to be together with another special someone. Some animals even mate for life.  Just because we are each love on our own does not mean we are meant to be alone.
I love this man so fully, and I miss him tremendously- beyond my human ability to control.  I'm healthy and very independent and strong and aware and I actually DO love myself. I love myself enough this I no longer want to ache. I want bliss and happiness and wonderful love in my life. I'm ready to accept love and believe in love when it's showered upon me like it was with James, and God knows I want HIM back. There is no other love than his love that I really want. I want to give him sooooo much love and joy and I need to have him near me. That's love, a mixture of a very soulful yet human love. I love him so much... and I just need to be completely quiet and away from talking with others now because not only do I love him but I'm raw. Tender. And I miss him with every cell in my body, and that's not something everyone can obviously understand. It's not the love I have for him that hurts. It aches because I need his warm protective arms wrapped around me. I need his beautiful loving non-stop kisses. I pray to hear his sweet voice soon, and to see his precious face. I know Heaven; I've been there when I was in his arms.

It's a divine love that I'll always feel for him because no matter what my future holds- I know THIS man is the one who was made for me. And I love him with a love that there are no human words I can find to properly explain. I just love him. With no apologies. I LOVE him and I know he feels the same for me.

Hugs lovelies. I wish you all peace and happiness in life and love.  There is some great info in this last energy forecast from Cassady, totally suited to how I am feeling and maybe for others as well.

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/weekly-energy-update/25th-31st-jan/

Jennifer

So Far Away

I heard this song on the way to work today.  What I wouldn't give to see his face at my door.

Oh what I would not give to have that bouncy sweet little man bounding up my stairs to come visit me so I could open my door and see him standing there again, smiling and oh so happy and friendly, beautiful blue eyes sparkling.  Gentle hands touching my face. 

My heart... I really didn't think that one human heart could ache this much and still be able to exist.

I've got lots on my mind and heart that just can't be shared.  I still feel like I am being guided to focus on his love for me, why he loves me {because I am so highly loveable and easy to love} what a dear loving man he truly is, our beautiful memories of the times we shared, and dreaming of a future together, knowing he's my dream come true.  And I feel like I am still being guided to do this by writing it out, over and over, in my journal because it works like daily meditation and affirmation, and it shifts my energy.  When I write in my journal, truth, I can literally feel my energy shift higher.  I just have to be consistent and keep it there which means holding a very diligent focus, and sometimes that can be hard to do!  But I am trying.

What I dream of more than anything in the entire world is to have this lovely sweet gentle man's warm protective arms wrapped around me so we can hold each other until I'm done crying.  Maybe him too, who knows.  I'm sure he needs some comfort too and I want to give it to him.  I just want to hold him again, like Strawberry Fields.  We both need that right now.

As always I wish us all the best in life and love.  I wish us PEACE and joy and bliss and real love.

Cheers,

Jennifer

"Anytime"

I heard this song on XM Radio Velvet the other day and it really struck me. 

I don't know if it is my twin soul in spirit communicating with me, or if it is higher self or "the universe" but I hear songs at certain specific moments, like when I'm deep in thought, and they totally speak to me.  This is one of them.

And as always, best wishes to all.

Jen

Soul Role

I wrote a blog post not long ago and deleted it because it was a rant.  This is a revised version with a few thoughts I want to share.  I've been battling inside over a few issues, one being God.  What is God?  I've come to the conclusion that "God" must just be "Love."  Love energy.  And this Love energy does not "make change happen."  We do because we are conduits of energy and whatever created us, if it's this Love energy, created us with the will to choose between love and fear.  And this is why Jesus came to teach people about the power of love, and how love can change the world. Yet most people want to give all the power over to this external version of God that we are taught early on in life.

There have been a few people who have gotten pissed at me when I write about my feelings on Spirit/religion but these are just my thoughts.  I've always prayed to "God."  Sometimes this brings about change for me that I've asked for, and sometimes not.  I've been on my knees praying, begging, snotting all over the place asking God to PLEASE shift this for me with James.  Just PLEASE let me receive a loving message.  Some warmth.  And then it does not happen and I lose faith in "God." And I am tempted to fall into victim-mode and get mad at God for not helping me.  I do not know the truth about what God is.  But I do feel I have a good idea on one thing- if my own energy is not where it needs to be, love over fear, then there is nothing God can do to change my situation for the better except push even harder to try and change ME to choose love over fear.  Does that makes sense?  I will have things happen in my life that force me more and more to start letting fear go and instead replace it with love.  And THAT shift will help to change my circumstances but God is not going to just sweep in and clean everything up for me just because I ask... or even beg and plead.  I am thinking that it is now my responsibility to shift my focus to love and then the circumstances I want to change will, for the better, in some way.

That said, I've had some tough moments over the last month or two.  Christmas Eve was horrible.  I was very angry.  I told my son I hate Christmas, and I do.  I only tolerate Christmas for my son, and I try to make it as wonderful and magical for him as I can but as of now I hate Christmas because I am always without that love in my life that I want to share the holidays with.  And it upsets me.  I am not perfect, and it upsets me.  So I was very relieved when the holidays were finally over.  I've been battling with hating God, hating my soul for choosing this lifetime for me, hating soul for choosing the twin soul path for me for whatever reason, something to do with Awakening if I understand correctly, and totally not understanding why I went through the abusive childhood I had only to now be separated from my twin soul.  It all equates to PAIN.  A lifetime of pain.  And I don't always understand, and sometimes the confusion leads to anger and then I hate the divine.

So I have come to the conclusion that I chose to come here on earth and be born to my parents because they were inevitably going to have a child and abuse it because they were wounded and hurt and did not know how to love correctly.  Not their faults.  I do not blame them.  They were hurt too and often unconscious hurt people hurt other people.  But to avoid letting the cycle of abuse pass over from generation to generation I agreed to be born to them, experience the abuse, and then try my hardest to overcome it, heal enough to where I'd be an aware parent and NOT hurt my own child.

I really feel this was the MAIN SOUL ROLE I chose when I came to earth.  Being the child of my parents, being abused for almost 20 years, and then learning to choose love over fear or hate and healing enough so that by the time I had my son PJ {shown above} I could STOP the cycle of abuse and let it not pass over to my son.  Because how I think of it is WE are God.  WE are "Love" and only WE can change the energy and situation on earth.  We are little slices of that love energy from above and we choose to come down here and do what we can to "shift" things, and I do believe I chose to sacrifice my childhood, and myself, and be the one who took the pain and hurt and humiliation so I could deal with it but NOT let it continue.  This way I do not send more pain and fear out into the world through my son.

Does that make sense?  I LOVE my son completely.  I am far from perfect, believe me, but I am doing the best I can.  I raise him with love, not fear.  I was raised in fear, huge fear.  My son is raised in love.  He basically has no fear.  I asked him the other day if there is anything he is afraid of.  I wanted to see if he said something like, "When you yell at me," because sometimes I do yell.  He thought about it for a while and said, "I'm afraid of those zombies you grow in the water because I don't want you to drink the water and become a zombie."  Ha!  I feel pretty secure in saying that I do my absolute best to raise my son right: with LOVE.  I teach him to love himself, love other people and love all of nature, animals and the earth.  He knows not to step on the ants, not to litter, to hold doors for people, to say thank you, to be kind and loving, to be helpful, and he absolutely knows how to LOVE HIMSELF.  I tell him all the time how amazing he is, how helpful and kind and loving and how proud I am of him for being a sweet loving boy.  I let him be a kid too.  He plays PLAYS plays and is entirely joyful.  Yeah, I can sit back and smile knowing that I've done the most important ROLE in my life the right way.

I believe I am a "twin soul" or whatever this strange soul connection is.  But I do not think it is my MAIN role for being here on earth.  No.  I think my main role is to mother my son with love and send him out into the world as a strong loving force to help change the world.  It takes each of us, one at a time, to make change.  And it takes people like me to go through the inevitable abuse of generations of hurt people, take that abuse and pain, and transmute it into love.  And I do love.  I love people.  I love my parents dearly.  I understand.  I know why hurt people hurt people.  I get it.  I hold no resentment.

But it did all scar me.  My childhood and then subsequent marriages taught me how to fear and distrust love and those who show me love.  Basically I did not believe in love when it was given to me.  So while I can love others, and raise my child in love, I still doubted myself and my own worth, dearly.  I really hated myself for a while.  I hurt myself.  And then when I met HUGE real love I did not know how to accept it, trust it or believe in it even though I totally completely LOVED the love and loved the person who loves me, my James.  Still I was too wounded to accept his love.  I wish I would have been able to accept his love but the truth is I just couldn't.  I did not believe enough.  I was scared that he would one day realize I was not really worth it after all, and he'd leave me for something better.

I believe that he came to me to help me heal from the scars left on me after going through my childhood.  I do not believe being a twin soul is the only reason why I came here.  I came here for my son, to be his mother.  I came here to be the child to my parents and go through a lot, a LOT, with them.  But in the end we are a success.  My parents rehabilitated themselves, healed from major addictions, grew closer because of it, and have been married and very much in love for a long time.  My parents are so cute together.  They are 64 and 66 years old and in good health.  And my mom will walk up to my dad and kiss him gently on top of his bald head and tell him, "I love you sweetie."  And it is a blessing to see, how much they truly love one another.  We have a very tight family, me and my younger brother and sister, and there are three grandsons in the mix who adore my parents.  My son PJ LOVES his grandma and grandpa and he always begs to spend the night with them.  I feel they get a second change to "parent" with their grandsons and they do it up right.  So in the end we are the epitome of how to overcome.

But I am proud of myself.  I feel like I've already accomplished much of what I came to earth to achieve.  If my soul did choose this for me then I am going to try to understand and accept the role I've played in helping to heal generations of shitty abuse, addiction, humiliation, rage, pain, chaos, etc.  My childhood has it's good moments but it was pretty Hellish, and it does not need to be explained again.  I've mentioned bits here and there on my blog.  I was hurt.  And now I no longer want to be hurt.  I am protective of myself now, and one thing is I won't take much shit from people. I am not perfect.  For the first time in my life I am comfortable asking people to leave my life and not return.  And I am far from perfect.  Sometimes I get upset.  I am not always love and light but I do my best.  All I know is I want happiness now, bliss.  I want NO MORE PAIN.  I've had like 42 years of pain and all I want now is gentle happiness.

Again though, I feel I've done the main "job" I chose to come here to do.  Be that child and then be a mother and raise my child with love and no fear.  I know this is hard to believe but it's been years and years since I've felt any anger or resentment towards my parents.  I got over that pretty quickly.  I UNDERSTAND their own pasts, where their dysfunction came from.  My mom's parents humiliated her.  My dad's father was violently abusive and mean.  Both of their fathers were alcoholics, and my parents are recovering alcoholics, and well you know my own challenges.  Our genes are steeped in alcohol and addiction in many different forms but I am aware and I work every day at being strong and careful.  And I ALWAYS always work to stay on top of showering my child with pure sweet uplifting LOVE.  He has strong self-esteem yet he's humble.  He's a dear JOYFUL happy boy, and it shows.  He shines.  My son shines.

And I did that. :)  After everything I have been through, and go through now because this separation is painful as Hell, I have still managed to raise him right.

I do not feel like my "twin soul" journey is my main "mission" on earth.  My child is.  Being his mother and teaching him how to be love, love that he will pass on into the world, a world that desperately NEEDS LOVE RIGHT NOW.  I feel my twin soul came into my life to help me heal from my past, and it's been rough.  I'd have to say on both of us because he's the one whose had to... administer the mirroring to show my my HUGE ginormous fears and I know it's been hard on him too.  I think the bigger the fears and doubts the harsher the reflection, and it's been pretty terrifying at times.  Only those walking this path with a strong AWARENESS can understand.

Believing in James, his honest loving nature, and his love for me is definitely my "mission" right now.  He came to me to help heal me, I do believe that.  But I also believe, still, that he is THE ONE for me.  I have this faith that if I just believe in myself, my worthiness, knowing I am so so easy to love, and that he fell madly in love with me and still does love me, and trust that he is the same wonderfully gentle angel of a man who blessed my life with his presence before, then in the end we will come back together.  He means far too much to me for me to give up now.  But one thing I must say is I believe this is about US now. He and I.  Not "Doing this for the earth" or that it is only about self-realization and "getting closer to source energy" and all of that crap.  It's not about chakras or blue rays or kundalini or anything like that for me.  I am in this because I know that sweet adorable little man who I love so fucking much came to me to help me, and he said he wants to marry me and have a baby with me and I still believe he is meant to be my DREAM COME TRUE.  Here on earth, genuine pure "romantic" unconditional love.  I am already "Love on earth."  I have been for a long long time.  I already am a conduit for love.  I already choose love.  I may not be perfect.  I get angry.  I even cut people out of my life if knowing them brings me down yet I don't hold resentment.  I let them go with love and I move on. This journey has changed me.  I am way more protective of myself but still I love.  And I love HIM deeply.  And I want him back in my life to hug and kiss and love and share life with.  And that is what matters to me now in my "twin soul journey."  Shifting, always shifting, until I've done what I need to in order to allow this man to come back to me.  He's helped to heal me of the shit I had to experience in order to get my "soul role" completed.  I'm meant to love him for the role he's played in my life.  And I do.

So just a few thoughts.  I've had a lot on my mind.  I miss James too, a lot.  I love him so much.  But I've been working through some heavy anger concerning how much pain I've had to experience in my life.  I hurt now being away from the one I love.  I was beaten as a child, like in a ball on the floor being kicked and my hair pulled, and I've been through so much in my relationships as an adult, and then this twin soul separation and the mirroring.  I am SO READY TO BE TREATED WITH ONLY LOVE AND GENTLENESS NOW.  Anger probably won't get me there so I am working on shifting that energy.  And to do so I have to fully know why I came here, why this has all happened, and I am getting there.

Yeah I can get lonely and scared sometimes but I am choosing to stay in this, going forward in faith that James loves me and is waiting for me and aching to have me in his life again. I do believe "God" gave me the power, though, and I have to choose love over fear/doubt, and that's what I am working on right now.

Cheers,

Jennifer

 

Bittersweet...

Ah I love this man!  He's a brilliant actor and his soul clearly shined through because it is obvious he's a good human being.

Very sad to hear of his passing from, again, cancer.

This was our first family Christmas after losing my Uncle Nick from cancer last year right after Christmas.  My Aunt Sherry, his wife, always has Thanksgiving and Christmas but 2014 she did not because my uncle was, sadly at age 70, dying from cancer.  He fought for a while but due to complications from pneumonia after his cancer returned he decided to be taken off life support and he died in the presence of his wife and family December 2014.  This year was different without him with us.  He was a good man who treated all of us kids well.  I had a rough childhood and my aunt, my dad's older sister, would often come scoop me up from home and take me to her home for a few days to visit with my cousin who is six months older than me.  She is my God Mother and loves me very much, like her own daughter.  My Uncle Nick was her second husband and he treated me well, always.  He taught me how to ride my bike, a fucking miracle.  Me and anything to do with wheels do not get alone well.  I have horrid balance and bad gross motor skills.  I never did learn how to roller skate, and I barely learned how to ride a bike!  But he was patient and saw me through to learning, finally.  I think I was like... 16 years-old.  I jest.  It took some working with me to get me there and he managed to teach me.

I also lived with them for a while in my twenties.  I'd moved out of my home and into a relationship with my first boyfriend who turned into my finace' who turned into my first major heartbreak.  My parents would not allow me to come back home and I had nowhere to go.  I had to ask my uncle if I could live with them for a while, and bless him he said yes.  He was very fatherly and gave me advice and gave me a copy of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."  And I stayed with them rent-free for as long as I needed to, heartbroken and crying most of the time.

My Aunt Sherry asked me to speak at his funeral and I did.  I got there and there were like TONS of people because he was well-known in his community and well-loved and the priest said "the eulogists" would speak first and I started crying.  I didn't think of the loving words I had to share about him as a "eulogy" for someone who'd died until that very moment.  I'm still sad that he's gone. 

So the holidays were somber this year.  I miss James a lot, and that's something I have to keep to myself lest my family think I'm insane and wasting my life, and then I also missed my uncle.  And I felt for my Aunt Sherry and his sister, my Aunt Genny because they both dearly missed him as well as the rest of my family. 

Damn cancer.

David Bowie, "You remind me of the babe," will always be him in my mind.  "Labyrinth" was one of my all-time favorite movies in my youth.  And Alan Rickman, God- I adore him as an actor.  He is amazing and has a voice like crushed velvet... and melted butter.  So many of my favorite movies have him in a role.  When you watch someone so much you almost feel like you know him.

And I'm sure his family feels the same way about him as we do my uncle, losing a piece of their family and their hearts.

Let's pray for a cure for cancer.  And for the survivors and for those currently battling and for those who move on to the next dimension when their time has come here on earth to go home.

Blessings,

Jennifer

"Arms"

So these are the memories that are flooding me.  His arms.  His strong wonderfully warm arms.

As he was first telling me he was leaving we had a heated conversation.  All of my fears were flooding forth.  I was totally doubting his feelings for me, and everything felt wrong.  I said to him, "I need to know I have not been a time-filler for you!" And he replied in earnest, "A time filler?  A TIME FILLER?  Do you even see the way I look at you?"

And therein lies the problem.  I did see the way he looked at me but it did not register.  I saw that he gazed upon my beauty like I am a Goddess in his eyes.  He held me and smiled and told me over and over how beautiful I am, how sweet, how kind, what a good mom I am, how loving, what a good girlfriend I am, how lucky he was to have found me, and how happy he was that I was HIS sweet girlfriend.  And he called me his future.  "I really love you, my future."

He touched me so gently, like handling fine china, like I am precious to him.  I am like totally serious.  I don't even like READING romance fiction so I don't write the shit well.  I can't even make this stuff up- he was this loving, absolutely.

And I... I... it's like I just ignored it.  Like he was saying it all over and over again, and more importantly he was SHOWING me the same loving things he was saying, HUGE divine angelic perfect love, and I loved him and his love but something inside of me doubted it could be real.

I so wish I could go back and every fucking day after he went home I wish I would have whipped out my journal and written, "Oh HOLY JESUS and all the saints and angels above THANK YOU GOD for this man who LOVES ME SO VERY MUCH.  Finally the man I have wished for and dreamed about has come to me, thank you so much for my gift and my blessing.  I am so lucky that he loves me so so much.  We are going to be together forever and have tons of sex and babies!!!  Gahhhh!  My angel."

I did not do that though.  I worried and fretted and doubted and feared when he might leave me.

Fucking manifestation!!!

Once it shifted and he began mirroring all my fears that were surfacing the quiet began and I freaked out.  But we ended up on the phone after about a month of chaos and silence.  It was... totally of the divine.  Not of this earth, not at all.  But we talked and he started the conversation through saying just exactly how totally completely absolutely insanely Geeeeeeoooorgeous he thinks I am.  Like a Goddess... his voice was hilarious.  He was all like, "You are sooooooooo, like SOoooo, beautiful!"  Like a kid explaining just how absolutely amazing the best roller coaster in the world is.  Like I was up there with some Hollywood starlet and I remember looking at my phone thinking, "Is this guy like drunk or high?  What's he on?" because he was so damn emphatic that I am like the most gorgeous women he's ever laid eyes on in his entire life.  And he ended the conversation by telling me he loves me and asking me so quietly and softly and longingly if I wanted to see him again because he needed to see me.  And he very specifically told me that when he saw me I'd need to give him full and complete access to making love to me in every way.  His love and ache for me was entirely evident, how much he was missing me.

*sigh*  My love, my little mirror love.  I want to cup his face in my hands and just kiss him, so softly.

I've never felt that way about myself, the way he sees me.  My mirror so I suppose it must be true.  Interesting.  I think I am pretty.  I feel I have my good days.  I think that is pretty normal for many of us.  I don't hate on myself but I am not in the habit of glorifying my never-ending beauty, *snicker*

He did though!!!  And I do believe he thinks that way about me, even now.  God damn I want him and all of that love and desire and attraction and LOVE back in my life.  I know when he looks at me he sees perfection.  I KNOW that.  Yeah I can try and see myself as much the same as possible but I might never get there.

Okay?!  I might never get there!  I watched a video today by a couple I really like and he said it best.  He said they were not perfectly loving themselves when they came together.  We do the best we can but we do not have to be perfect.

But... I think for me it is as important for me to realize that James looks at me and sees his angel.  He looks at me and sees utter perfection, notices only all the glowing love and goodness inside of me, and it makes him think I am absolutely beautiful, like my adorable soul is shining on my face.

I can look back now and remember how he looked at me like he was looking at an angel.  I wish I would have recognized it then, his totally cherishing me.  But I know it's truth, and I know it still is.  So no, maybe I will never get to a place where I look in my bathroom mirror and want to gaze at the beauty of myself for hours.  Come on.  I usually think, "Okay.  It's a good day.  I am thankful for my long healthy hair and clear bright skin."  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I am youthful.  I am "cute."  I've had people tell me I am "cute" but will never be beautiful, lol.  And that's okay.  But I know when James looks at me he sees this glowing angel of a woman.  I just did not really notice it before, hidden underneath the worry and the fear.

I miss my sweet love who thinks I am so perfect inside and out.  The feeling is mutual, as you know from reading my blog.  I adore him and find every single thing about him amazingly beautiful and adorable inside and out. 

Oh, those arms.  I pray to feel them wrapped around me soon.

"Lost"

Michael Buble "Lost"

This song has spoken to me for a while, about two years.  It's very true.  There are a lot of hurting people out in the world.

I really try to stay positive on my blog but I have an admission.  This has been a struggle, the whole journey since he left.  I can't lie and say it's been a walk in the park.  I can't force myself to fake being all chipper, like I can't feel down because it means my energetic vibration is too low or whatever.  I vibrate pretty high normally.  I'm loving and aware and I am content with my own company BUT I don't want ONLY my own company!  I'm lonely.  And for now I am really battling to stay sober.  And when I drink I don't drink to be social.  I drink because I want to not feel so much.  For a moment it allows me to be more at ease but of course it's SO not good for me and I always feel like shit later.  It interrupts my sleep pattern and I end up tired and feeling disgusting.  Empty calories.  All sugar.  Dehydrating.  And it's crap on my organs, thinking, and overall health.  I know this.

And I am a mother.  Just ugh.  As I've mentioned here before my mom and dad both are recovering alcoholics as are many many members of my family on both sides.  I know better.  I wish this was easier.  I wish the quiet was over and I was talking to my friend and love again.  But I'm not and I have to be strong even while I hurt.  For myself and my child.  

I no longer know what to believe about God.  I'm confused.  I still find myself in the habit of praying so I do.  Praying worked in the past so it must do something.  I just don't know what I believe any longer.  I used to journal to God, but is there really a "God" out there listening?  If I am responsible for creating my own reality myself then what does God even matter?  I'm really lost on the whole God thing right now.

I don't know.

Drinking.  Please don't think I don't love myself.  I do.  I love myself. I really do.  I love myself enough to want to be sober.  I love myself enough to ensure I realize I am perfect just as I am, and people love me just as I am, and I am adored by my twin soul just as I am right this very moment.  I love myself enough to want real happiness and peace of mind, and I love myself enough to desire divine romantic love in my life and believe it will return.  I also love myself enough to know *I* need to fully love and accept myself just as I am right this moment.  I DO love myself.  It's why I know I can't binge drink.  It's NOT being good to ME.  I don't think the occasional glass of wine will hurt me but that's not how I drink.  When I drink I have a goal: numb me, please.  Let me just not feel so much for a little while. 

Just a little different than "Calgon take me away," though.  

I do really good for a while.  I thought, at first, James was showing me to stop drinking.  Maybe that is partially true but more what was happening is when I drink I tend to fall into ego and get really super pissed off and in victim-mode, and just because I'm drunk, or at least partially drunk, when I shoot that energy out into the universe does not mean James is exempt from reflecting it back to me.  Alcohol and I just don't play well together, and I need to stay away from it.  It fucks with my energy and makes me feel even more sad and lonely than I do when I am sober.

*sigh*  I want to be so very strong.  It's my weakest spot, the drinking.  But I stayed sober for over a year and I will do it again.  

I don't think my weakness about drinking would keep me from my twin soul.  Being apart has more to do with fearful thinking and not believing BUT I know the drinking is not helping because it normally makes me end up in a foul mood.  Still though, James loves me despite knowing I have an issue with alcohol, and he does know.  I know he cares about me and my well-being and I'll bet he's out there wishing he could be a form of loving support in my life.  "It's okay and I understand and LOVE and support you," is what I imagine he'd say to me if he could.  I imagine he'd be very supportive of me wanting to be fully sober.  He's a good caring man.  You have no idea how much I'd love to just bury my head in his shoulder and be vulnerable for a while, let someone else take care of me.  And cry.  Hard.  For like a fucking week. God I pray for the moment when I can feel his loving arms around me again because they are kind strong caring protective arms.  I am so tired of trying to be this strong all the time ON MY OWN.  And believe me I do try.  Normally I succeed.  I just have to really work on staying away from booze.

This sounds like a total cop out but I soooooo would not be so drawn to drink if I was not alone and missing someone and aching like I do.  If all that was gone and I was feeling "happy" and totally satisfied with life then I'd not have the urge to drink.  It's an addiction but not one where if I do not drink I have withdraw or anything like that.  I can go a long time without it but the urge to reach for the bottle as an "escape" always pops back up.   Feeling sad or lonely is no excuse for drinking too much.  Alcohol is not good for me, and it's not good for me to drink when I have my child to take care of.  So I have to be stronger.  That's all I can do. 

And I guess maybe I could pray to this God who I don't even understand any more.

I want to have that supportive companion in my life. A loving husband and kind step-daddy to PJ.

I ended up having lunch with a nice man I know from work today.  We don't work together but I know him and have worked on a few projects with him.  He's a safety inspector and some people here don't like him because he has to be very procedural, and he's got a bit of a "dorky chemist" thing going on, as others explain it.  I just think he's a kind soul who takes his job seriously.  I walked into lunch alone, my norm, and he was there too and said how funny because when he'd just seen me at work he was going to ask me if I wanted to go to lunch with him to this very place.  So he moved to sit with me and when he asked me how long I've been divorced and told me he's been divorced for 12 years I was thinking, "Oh he's going to ask me out."  And he did.  And I let him down very gently by thanking him so much but I told him I'm not really interested in dating anyone.  He thanked me for being honest and nice and said I was not like the last woman he asked who gave him this terrible "ick, no" face when he asked her.  And it broke my heart for him!  It made me even more sad that people have been so cruel to him, mainly because he's your typical "nice guy."  So he asked if we could get together as friends for lunch sometime again, and I said of course.  And bless him he paid for my lunch.  I'm not interested in dating him though so I was being honest although he's a nice friend.  I told him I will pay for his lunch next time.  I feel for him because he's lonely too.

I'm so tired.  I'm really tired.  The song above really speaks to me right now.  I'm feeling a little lost.

Jennifer

Roses Are Red

This song really speaks to how I feel about James.  It's a sweet song and she has a lovely unique and powerful voice.

I miss him.  So much.  I cry every night.  I wear eye makeup during the day to remind myself that I can't cry all day long.  And I don't know if it is wrong or not but I can't really help it.  I can't stop it.  I love him so much and I miss him with every cell in my body, every fiber in my being.  If there is such a thing as an ache in the heart, then I have it.  I know it well.  My poor little heart aches for him every minute that I am awake. And the thing is I don't think I have much choice.  My choices are to either miss him and feel it, allow it, or else I'm going to have to shut down and turn away and stop all of it.  As in move on, and I can't do that.  So I am going to feel the ache and there is not much I can do about it.

Because I love him. 

I wish he was with me right now.  I wish he was here holding my hand and smiling his cute little smile, making me laugh with his silly friendly affectionate nature.  I wish I was looking forward to him coming over this evening to sit and... kiss me passionately and lovingly for hours like we used to.

Heaven.

He always held my hand too, always.  God- I wish I could hold his hand again. 

Also, I'd written a few recent blog posts and deleted them.  I don't feel comfortable right now sharing much of anything besides just expressing how much I miss him through a few songs or words here and there, so my apologies.

Stay strong my friends,

Jen

Twin Souls Who Are Married to Others

Blessings David!  

I stumbled across this picture of David Bowie and his beloved wife Iman today as I was reading about him and their life and love together.  My heart goes out to her at this sad time.  But look at this photo of them together!  Doesn't it just make you smile, like totally smile!?  SUCH huge love there!  The love they have for each other shines through in this picture.

People who are married to each other are supposed to be HAPPY together.  This happy!!!  IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER happy.  Two people should stay married out of real strong love for one another.  Not out of a sense of duty.  Not for the children.  And not, for the love of all things holy, to stay faithful to a legal promise or because you mistakenly said, "Till death do we part."  Relationships between people change.  People grow, sometimes together, sometimes apart.  My point is not all marriages are meant to last or will last even though society tells us we are supposed to be "stick it out" and "try harder."  Some marriages and love together grown stronger over time.  Some does not.  That is the honest truth.

I was married and God showed me I was no longer meant to be married and life happened and my marriage ended because it was meant to.  

My feeling about people who are married and then meet their twin souls is this: it's meant to make you TOTALLY examine your marriage to see if its time has come to an end.  SOUL will push you to end a human "contract" if the soul contract has ended.  

Many people have this idea about the twin soul union that the universe will do all the work for you.  That if you mind your p's and q's and do everything "right" then the universe will shift things around and BAM all the pieces will fall into place and then your twin can miraculously be in your life.

My feeling is no, it does not work this way.  You are going to be forced to make those hard decisions to make room for even the possibility for your twin to be with you in the future.  And the decision is going to have to be made for YOU- not for you to "for sure" be with your twin.  Meaning scary choices have to be made, like the choice to be alone instead of stuck in an unfulfilling marriage.  I had to make the final decision to end my marriage.  I had to look him in the face and say, "This has to end.  I need you to move out."  Was it hard?  Fuck yeah.  We had a two year-old toddler son at the time.  I DREAMED of a "happy family" with my husband but it was just not going to happen.  For us to stay together I would have had to compromise a huge part of myself, my heart, and my dreams.  And my soul was absolutely not willing for that to happen.

And neither was my husband's soul.  At the moment my past husband and current friend and my sons' dad is happily with another woman.  They live together and she adores him, and I really hope they get married one day.  He seems happy and that is SO good because he was not happy with me.  I wished we could be happy together, and there was a time early on when we were.  But then we were not happy.  We coexisted.  And guess what finally had to happen for it to change?  

I met a soul mate and fell in love with him.  And even though I knew I did not have a future with that man it showed me that I could no longer stay with my husband.  It was not quite as easy as that.  Spirit really had to work with me to get me to finally make the decision to end the marriage, but end it I did.  My guidance told me everything would work out for the best.  I was told my husband would actually be happier in the end, that he was not happy with me.  But who wants to get a divorce, right?  Yet in an unhappy marriage SOMEONE has to make that scary decision.  And it is BIG and it is scary but it has to be made.

So... a married person meets her twin and it's amazing and she's in love, and not with her husband, and then the twin disappears.  Why?  Well it is my opinion that the universe is now asking you to do the hard work.  God is not going to reach down with his magic wand and end your marriage.  You are going to have to be the one to do that, and most likely WITHOUT the affirmation of love from your twin or knowing you will have a future with your twin. 

It's going to have to be a leap of faith done with the knowledge that no longer being married to your current partner is in the best interest of at least YOU.  That you cannot live a lie any longer.  That you cannot stay married out of a sense of duty, or guilt, or for the kids, or for everyone else who will be disappointed if you leave.  You cannot stay out of a sense of security or for any other reason besides you are HAPPY in your marriage and truly in love.  Not just "I love him as a friend unconditionally." That does not cut it.  Marriage is about two people who are fully in love with each other, not just "making do."  You can be divorced and love him unconditionally.  That's what I did.

I do not judge.  I have a hard time with so-called "spiritual" people who judge infidelity or when a married person falls in love outside of marriage.  Love happens.  "Being in love" fades.  Soul contracts end.  A human marriage continues even when the souls have finished their contract and then things get muddy.  

My feeling is that when you are married and you meet your twin soul it means you are meant to either shit or get off that pot.  If you feel you can fall back in love with your spouse, entirely, then get that shit done.  But if you canNOT find that spark again, if you have to "make do" in any way, shape or form in order to keep that marriage doing then your SOUL is forcing you to find a way out.

Soul, in this time period of quick Awakening, is no longer allowing us to exist in situations that are no longer for our higher good.  And a twin soul will come and go in order to force change.

There is no promise the twin soul will come back.  I know.  But soul is going to force you to make some decision, hard decision, to even give you the space and freedom for a future relationship with a twin soul.  It's going to be a very small percentage of people who are going to be able to stay married and have an intense twin soul "friendship" at the same time with all parties privy to the situation and fine, happy and content with it all.  With everyone honestly truthfully transparently knowing the entire situation and being totally okay with it.  In most cases something is going to have to change.

So, in summary I feel that when a married person meets a twin soul it is to really push the married person to search her soul about her current marriage.  I read farrrrrr too many accounts of these people who try and force their marriages to work after meeting a twin.  It's obvious they are NOT in love with their spouses any longer yet they try and try and try to keep it going for all reasons beyond being in love with that person, and it is sad to me because it means they are sacrificing their own personal happiness to make everyone else, including society, happy.  And once you get a taste of REAL love, soul mate or twin soul love, it's a game changer.  Maybe before you could settle for 3D "love" but not after experiencing the transformational love of a soul mate.  It hurts to try and stay for the sake of everything else but your heart after meeting a soul mate and knowing that wonderful glory and bliss and happiness is what REAL love is meant to feel like.

Soul does not want that for us.  Soul wants us to make the hard decisions.  I was forced to do that before meeting my twin.  But it was a similar situation.  I could no longer exist in my marriage knowing that love like the new one I experienced existed.  Even though I knew I would be alone for a while, or "dating" and dealing with the unknown it was a choice I had to make.  And meeting my soul mate was the definite catalyst for that decision.  I knew I'd rather be ALONE than married and lonely.

The irony is my prior husband is happily in love with his girlfriend, and I met my twin soul.  And if you've read my blog you know the rest.

'Nuff said, lol. 

It's how God works.  Through other people.

Best wishes to all of you!

Jennifer

Lionheart

 This song.  Oh my word.

My heart, for my Leo.

I love you, always.  I carry your sweet memory in my heart all the time.  You mean the universe to me.  This song explains how I feel about you much better than I can.

So so so in love,

Jennifer