Freedom

I found this photo on my favorite blog today.   This picture could be me and James.  I pray for the moment when my love hugs me like this.  Pray, hope, wish, dream about, hold space for and have faith in... that precious moment when he wraps his arms around me and holds me oh so tight to make up for all these months spent apart.

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/q-a/twin-flame-surrender/

Great blog post from Cassady, as always she speaks what I am feeling.  She says we ARE God and the divine is not above or below us.  We are the same as it is.  This helps me.  It's a step for me towards coming to terms with the divine and what I am going through.

What is so ironic is that James told me he is Atheist and I thought that was so "different."  That he didn't believe in "God" really threw me at first.  Later he said that he does kinda believe he has a soul.  The irony here is now I believe more like he does.  I do not believe in this "God" I used to believe in.  I feel so differently now.  I used to feel "God" was better than me, some entity out there, and I just don't now.  I feel like I sound really egotistical but I don't think God is any better than I am, and truth be told I feel I am the same as God.  We all are.  Inside of us is the same energy as this "God" character.  And it is love.  James is love, and he is the most perfect man I've ever met all without a belief in "God" but instead following the path of being a really good loving caring empathetic human being. 

I text my friend the other day and she wrote, 'We don't have to be perfect.  It is not expected of us.  We are not God."  I did not tell her my thoughts.  I don't feel like it.  But inside I said, "Yes- I am God and I am already perfect, just as I am."

I am still challenged right now, shaking off old beliefs.  Sometimes I feel like "God" or higher self wants me to "do" something like write a book or go to yoga and I don't WANT to do those things.  I have no interest to write a book.  Do I have good ideas?  Yes.  Maybe one day.  But not now.  My heart isn't in it, at all.  If I am going to write then I want to write because I WANT to write, so I am writing here, on my blog.  And it feels good to ME to write it, not because I feel like I "have" to.  I have fun ideas for novels, and maybe one day when I am in a different place than I am right now I will write one.  But not now.  And I really truly dislike any form of exercise that is repetetive and forces me to go to an inside gym and follow a schedule and do the same shit over and over again.  That is SHEER torture for me.  I like to throw on my shoes and go for a walk and notice the flowers coming up and say hi and smile at people I pass and note the leaves changing or or or... or there is a park near me where I often go on my lunch break to walk and then sit and look at the water for a moment.  I do not live in an area chock full o' nature so I make due with what I can.  This particular park is my personal sanctuary.  For me "being active" means going for a walk or riding my bike.

But sometimes I feel like I am "supposed" to be doing things.  Like "being more healthy" by exercising more.  Or "using my talents" by taking pictures and making jewelry and writing a novel but I have non desire to do any of that.

I want to sit and write in my journal or read Stephen King or watch reruns of "The X-Files."  Or cook or play tic tac toe with my son.  Or go for a walk with my son, or once the weather changes take him fishing or hunting for crawdads in the river.  I just want to BE.  Just be.

I am still battling with this idea that I am totally FREE to live any way I want to {and I don't want to do anything that would hurt me, btw.}  I don't even smoke cigarettes.  And man I've found that I can't really drink much because it gives me major heartburn, of course, lol.  The way I live is just fine; it really is. Chocolate cake is not going to kill me.  Being "not thin" isn't going to send me to an early grave.  Enjoying breakfast out with my son is... not a bad thing.  So why do I freak out?

I guess I still freak out because religion gives us this mindset that we must "sacrifice" in order to be good.  And then society tells us we need to ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE and the media tells us we need to be thin, young and beautiful and if we do not exercise and eat perfectly in order to be thin and young and beautiful then we are lazy sloths.  Sitting back and being still and enjoying life with little to no worries is unheard of and often frowned upon.  And I am still breaking out of this conditioning in order to have full freedom in living how I want to live.  I already have achieved so much in my life, and I did it all on my own and much of it was while I was under duress.  I quite literally sneaked away on a weekend from my first husband while I was studying for my final exams in grad school.  I was plotting my "escape" from him, packing up and moving out {and doing it by myself} while balancing not failing my classes since I went to school and worked full-time too.  I ended up with high scores.

In the midst of all this twin soul awakening stuff I told my boss at my last annual review that I do not want to be Director once he decides to retire, and at his age I was assuming retirement will be coming soon for him, but I didn't say that part!  I didn't tell him this but I am a single mother going through emotional turmoil, living an existence he could not possibly imagine, and the last thing I want on my plate are the responsibilities of running our entire department here at the university.  He asked me why and I told him because I am a mother and my main concern is my child, being his mommy, and I am content with the level of responsibility I have right now at work because it affords me the time and energy to still go to my son's class functions and pay him the attention he needs.  But I don't want his job.  He said, "I understand but some other women would want to do both."  Welllll... *sigh*  Those women probably have HUSBANDS at home, and they probably are not going through one "rude awakening" and they probably don't have some "divine connection" out there reading their minds and being their spiritual mirror to show them to overcome fear, self-doubt, etc. etc.  But he now clearly knows he may mentor me and I appreciate him but I will not be applying for his position, and he is planning his retirement now.  But do you see?  Do you see what I mean?  When I politely told him why I never want his job, and he knows I am a single mother with primary custody and PJ is with me most of the time, instead of simply accepting my response he HAD to make sure he pushed this idea that "Other women want it all."  Like why don't I want it too?  But I just don't.  A "reputation" has never meant anything to me, a title is NOTHING to me and it's not worth the extra pay. 

My son has my sweet tooth, and I do limit him but bah, he's a kid.  I feed him well meaning I cook good meals.  Last night we had Jasmine rice, steamed veggies with a bit of chicken and simple seasonings, and he was thrilled.  My friend who lives with me and her two kids, she does not make much money and the government cut her grocery assistance down to nothing so we are working to eat as healthy as we can while stretching... so that means rice!  But my son is a "good eater" because I've worked with him since he was tiny to enjoy his veggies and to try new stuff and he just likes food, like his mama, lol.  He eats sushi!  Yes, the raw fish kind with the seaweed.  He thinks it looks cool and he likes it.  I am fortunate.   But the sweet tooth.  He asked me last night if he could have a "little bed time snack" so I told him yes I'd make him one.  I took him a cup of vanilla pudding with a tiny bit of whipped cream and I put sprinkles on it... because that's just how I roll as his mom.  I love making him smile, and oh he did smile.  He thought it rocked, the sprinkles especially.

But THOSE are the things that bring me joy, cuddling with my child in bed while he eats his pudding and I read "The Stand" for like the tenth time.

Is it wrong that for now this is all I feel like doing?  That it's really all I can do to stay sane?  Be nurturing, be a mom?  Like... it's my biggest skill.  *sigh*  I dunno.  I am just tired.  I am very very tired.

I don't believe that God is separate from me.  I know people say this all the time and I've read it for ages but now suddenly I GET it.  I do not feel I must bow down to God or make some sacrifice to God or "do good things" to get in God's good favor, and oh OH oh it makes me cringe to think of the millions and millions of people out there living with the stress of "making God happy."  It quite literally makes me want to cry.  Because it is not true.  If believing in that external "God in the sky" makes a person strive to be a better person out of LOVE then by all means- believe away!  But if a person believes and lives out of fear of God then that is very sad to me.

I am still working through some issues with my higher self and "offering" or choosing to be a "twin soul" and have a full spiritual mirror be the way I heal from this lifetime.  Not quite accepted all of that yet but I am working on it.

Still though, that photo of the couple hugging, Oh My GAWD that totally could be us.  I saw it and my heart stopped.  Because there is this piece of me that fully believes he is tormented being away from me and he hates being my mirror when he must show me my fear and doubts and all he really wants to do is show me his love and affection again, and holding it all back and not having me in his life hurts him.  Like he aches to show me that same love, affection, caring, tenderness, friendship and concern again, like he did before because that is truth.  So this picture, the way he is holding her, it makes me cry.  That voice of truth inside of me says, "Yes, that's how he would hold you.  Like he's been gone for far too long."

Okay, off to cry for a bit.  *sniff*

Jennifer