I ache deeply today. We had a good weekend. Lots of fun was had. But I want to share life with James. And the fact that I hear nothing is so frustrating. It is frustrating because it is not believable. I need more. I need something. A discussion. Truth.
I need truth. I need to be able to talk with James openly and honestly. I've never wanted something more than to talk with him transparently like we used to when things were normal. When we used to be able to just get on the phone and talk like two normal people. I wish we could do that again. I've never wanted to talk to anyone more.
When I saw him last year he looked at me and said, "I do love talking to you." I keep thinking of that because, yeah, I know he does. He likes talking with me. I'm nice to talk with. We had wonderful talks. Yes, it makes me nuts because we should be talking. James and I should be able to talk with each other. This situation frustrates me a lot.
And it aches because I miss him. I can't stop thinking about him. Kissing me. Touching me. Being naked with me. Being inside me. Tasting me. Telling me how good I taste and touching me and making me feel so so good. THIS IS MAKING ME GO OUT OF MY MIND. Because I know- I know what I felt when he was here last. I know how he looked at me. I saw his love and desire. I felt it. He touched my face and held me to his chest and kissed me deeply. I know James. I know him.
You know what? I don't like talking about "twin souls." I want to be with my boyfriend again. I want my sweet dear boyfriend back in my life. I was so fucking happy to have that man be my boyfriend. It made me grin from ear to ear and feel like I was 14 years-old again. I felt like a kid, a happy kid. I felt like I was with my most major crush, kissing and hugging and being together. It was blissful and wonderful and the best time ever of my life.
And it is killing me now. Life does not feel complete now that I've known such bliss and it is not here, and the absence of him is not "normal." No discussion. Nothing. Here and gone, back and gone, here and there and then not. I can't fucking do this and be "normal." I HAVE to endure it no matter how challenging it is, and oh- this is Hell. Being apart from James is Hell.
I want my sweet boyfriend back. Anyone who says "twin souls" are not about romance or relationships are living in their own reality, not mine. If that works for them then great but it does not work for me. James and I had a relationship, a real-life loving caring intimate relationship. We dated. We held hands and kissed and went to dinner and made love. Good love. Like kissy naked exciting enthusiastic awesome love. Real genuine love. Good hard love. He is an awesome lover, like soooo good. And the thought, remembering, needing him, aching for him- it hurts really deeply. I don't know what to do with myself. I cry a lot.
I want my boyfriend back. I want what we had before I ever heard the term "twin soul." I knew about next to none of this before I met James. NEVER crossed my mind when we dated. Not once. All I thought was he had to be another soul mate, and a strong one.
A lovely perfect wonderful gift of a soul mate. A treasure. But the whole twin soul dynamic was not part of my reality then. I'd briefly read about it, laughingly little. And ironically I read an article about it while I was on vacation in New Orleans in June 2013. Then I met him online July 2013 and we met in person in August. I never applied the idea to him. It slipped my mind until after he was gone and then I was told he is my "soul twin."
I want to go back to when he was here and we were a happy couple. And we were. A very happy couple. We were so excited to see each other. He would text me at 3PM and say, "Is it 4 yet? I am anxious to see my love." He called me his "love." And he always told me he was so happy to have my as his girlfriend, that he finally found the one.
WE HAD SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER. It was perfect. Perfect feels good! We felt good, and I know he did too. He fell hard in love with me. And he is sweet. The most perfect boyfriend ever.
I want that back. The boyfriend part. The talking about getting married. The making love with my legs wrapped around him looking into his eyes while he's looking back at me, blue eyes glowing. Leaning down to kiss me, all entwined and loving and close and moaning and kissing and naked. THAT is what I want.
I am so tired of "twin souls." I just want my sweet loving boyfriend back in my life.
People talk about "mission." And no I cannot speak for everyone so I won't but I will speak for myself. My guidance always told me that James is my "mission." That as a twin soul my twin is my mission. I was told that three years ago. I was told to make him my priority. Like my son and James are the two things in my life I should put first. I was told nothing else was more important. Not helping others (although I do like to help) or some other "goal" outside of loving James and defending him, knowing he is a good person. Always knowing truth about him, never doubting him. Protecting him too. And protecting a twin means never speaking ill of them. No blame. I know that is not always the easiest thing to do but it can be done.
I don't feel that we have these lofty personal missions. I feel that when we are truly twin souls and we meet that other person and all of "this" happens then we are supposed to honor love. Hold on. I know it isn't easy but it is how I feel, and it is what I was shown. And I love James. I love him so much that it hurts. IT HURTS to miss someone this much, and to ache for him and long for him. But true love is worth it. And I keep trying because I love him so very much.
I do miss him though. If you read my blog you know this because I've shared it enough. I ache for him. I long to touch him and be touched by him. His kisses are so amazing, and our first kiss was sexy and intense and so good- I need more kisses from him. I need to see his beautiful face again, those eyes. His smile.
This morning I talked with someone who sounded a lot like James. A soft cute voice. It made me smile but also choke up. I was imagining talking with James. That would be a fucking miracle, and a gift. I miss him with everything inside of me.
Also a woman wrote to me from a twin soul group. Oddly enough she wrote to me about crying. Wailing, keening, totally surrendering in pain and ache, feeling the love, allowing the hurt. She said that sometimes all we can do is cry and cry and beg God for help and ask the universe to please open the doors necessary for him to come back to me. And sometimes I feel like that really is all I can do. Feel the ache. Cry, and I do cry. Sometimes I don't cry. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it hurts bad. Remembering him... oh good Lord. Remembering his kisses and how he would always touch my face and smile before moving our faces together so we could kiss. And we'd kiss for hours. We love kissing each other- and I know he still loves kissing me. He told me. He told me he thinks of my kisses and misses me. He's told me I am the best kisser and he wants to kiss me for eternity.
We are good together. I can't help but still think of myself as being his. I only want him. James. He is who I want, and I miss my Love. I miss him so very much. I wish I could just hug him and hold him and kiss him and sit with him and touch his face and get naked and taste him and pleasure him and make love with him. I miss him so much that it hurts. I love him so much that I ache.
No I don't quite know what to do. I try to be as happy as I can be. I am not always happy. People piss me off. I wake up sad. I have a house full of people and I don't feel my roommate helps enough and I don't know how to talk with her about it because I already did once. My cat keeps shitting on the floor and it's pissing me off. I am stressed out. Sometimes I feel like I would like my house back to myself now but I also know I need to help my friend and be thankful for my blessings, and I am. But I am... discontent. My life is not how I want it to be. I want to be married to James and have a family and be with him. Together. I want to be together with him. With no answers and no contact and no discussion and no resolution- I have no clarity, no peace. I do know he loves me but I need more. I need my Love.
I miss James so much. I wish we were spending Valentine's Day together. I wish I could hear from my Love. This hurts so much, being away from him. I miss his kisses. I miss talking about Atheism and science and hearing about how much he loves golf and sharing 80s music videos back and forth. I miss talking about our youth. I miss hearing about Geology and the universe. I miss our debates about religion and God. I miss hearing him tell me he loves me more for my beliefs.
What can I do, really? Besides just feel it? Maybe scream a little, which I do, mainly when I am in the car so no one can hear me. Cry a lot. Beg God. Pray. Hope. Dream. Remember.
I miss my sweet kind loving boyfriend, best man I ever met. All I want is my sweet boyfriend back in my life. I want what we had before I ever heard about twin souls! That loving fun easy peaceful exciting sexy genuinely healthy relationship we started... I long to have that back. I miss my honey with my entire heart.
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