I hurt.
I remember James. And it aches. I wanted to be with him and have a family already. We talked about that. I remember him looking at my son and telling me he did not know how to be a daddy but he could learn. Such a good kind man so for him to be gone really hurts. I want to hear from him or see him. I need to hear from him. I ache and hurt so deeply that I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I wish James could help me. I pray for help. I am begging for help at this time because I'm tortured knowing what a good thing I had in him and that regret and desire hurts. I miss him so much and I do not I know what else to do but let myself cry to get the pain out. I cry constantly.
My son is my dear. I still sing to him before bed. His two favorites are "Hush Little Baby" but we have always called it Hush Little PJ and I change the words. Like "Hush little PJ don't say a word. Mommy's gonna give you a dry cat turd" which he of course thinks is hilarious. Or "Mommy's gonna teach you a bunch of dirty words."
His other favorite is "I've Been Working on The Railroad." Big surprise. So I still sing these to him. He is such a sweetie. He had an early bed time tonight because he was super tired. I bought a lava lamp last week that has glitter in it. He loves it.
Sorrowful is how I feel. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what to do. I really don't. The only reason why I hold on and keep hoping is because James is amazing. That is the only reason. He is. Only because I remember his long deep passionate kisses and how he held me and respected me and was super kind and good. He was perfect when he was here with me. When it was just easy love. Before I started letting my fears take over.
Oh I wish we could go back to that time! Start again. It was the best time of my life. I was so happy with him. I just know there is no other man out there who I am going to love as much as I do James. It makes me feel like... I have no other choice but to get through this because that's it. I don't want anyone but him. Lately even the thought makes me sick, of anyone but him. He was the last man I was naked with and made love with. Being with him made me become protective over myself. I can't imagine how long I would wait if I started dating someone new!! It would be impossible to top the best thing that ever happened to me. The nicest boyfriend. Most loving guy and the sweetest lover. I pray to God I hear from James soon. I miss him. It hurts to live without him. I know I have a unique love with him.
I asked myself the other morning- what makes this one so different from the couple other men I fell so hard in love with? Because I honestly have no feelings for them at all. If I saw any one of them right now I would not have strong attraction or love. Not at all like James. So I asked myself is it only due to the signs and messages? Is that why I hold on? Why such a strong attachment to this guy? And really it makes me cry. The answer is so obvious.
It was super duper REAL with James. Real. Honest. Genuine. A real good relationship. He is what I truly deserve. He was finally the real full honest love I deserve. It was based on pure sweet love. We waited to make love. It was special. He is special. I love everything about him too. He's so perfect to me and for me! That is why it is different and I don't want to let go.
I've had loads of signs showing me to hold on. But I don't want to let go. I love him. Him. This one single adorable man.
Yes it makes me cry. I guess that's just how it goes. James is amazing and the best sweetest love. I deserve his huge awesome love!! I deserve him. I deserve to be loved by him.
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