I KNOW James loves me. I know he does. Not because he told me a while back (he did tell me) but because I just know it. We fell super hard in love and that love never ended. There was no ended. Nothing ever went wrong. It was the most beautiful perfect fun happy enjoyable loving healthy relationship. It was a relationship anyone would adore. Both of us were very happy to be with each other. We were happy to meet one another. We were grateful that out of all the people in the world we managed to find each other and we ARE the perfect fit.
When James was here last year we were still a perfect fit. He made love to me. Sweet love. Kind caring love. It was not for his gratification. He took ample (very ample) time wanting to pleasure me. Being near him was pleasure enough for me but he made it clear that he enjoyed adoring my body and he wanted to love me in every way possible. I know this. I know this is truth. He didn't even want to finish inside of me because as he put it, he would have continued pleasuring me forever after he was finished.
That is a man showing me "I adore you." And it kills me. It kills me because I'm suffering without him. We should be together. I'm not so stupid or fearful to believe anything other than he adores me too. And misses me too. I know what I saw in his eyes and felt in him when he was here. Like he NEEDED me. Like he had waited a long time to be able to see me and he needed to be close with me. I know what I felt. I know he totally loves me. I remember a year earlier he had written and said "I HOPE and WISH to be intimate with you soon." I know he wanted to see me.
LOVE. Love. I know he loves me with all of his heart. I know he wants me to stick with this and not run off. And oh, I'm weary. I'm at my wit's end. It hurts being apart. We should be together. I know that is why he made sure to contact me and tell me he does love me and wants a life with me when he felt me ready to take off on him. And I was ready! This has not been easy! Seeing my fearful thoughts being given back to me through another human being, one I love more than life itself, has not been fun!! I was ready to give up and choose someone else. Because I didn't know what else to do. Because I was super hurting and needed human comfort. But James contacted me and I feel like in the only way he could he showed me some TRUTH. That he does love me and always has. That he wants me in his life.
I believe that. He told me I'm right. That he does love me. I KNOW I AM RIGHT. If I did not have a solid conviction do you think I would still be doing this? Hell no!! HELL no!! I only do this because our love is true. Real. Strong. And I have always felt, even at my darkest moments, that James actually only has love for me.
But I'm frustrated. We should be kissing. We should be kissing and laughing together. We should be walking together hand in hand through Chicago having a sweet easy fun wonderful time together. We should be freely sharing our thoughts with each other. We are good loving caring friends to each other and I would bet my life on the fact that this guy loves me and misses me as much as I do him. He should be in my life. I should be in his life.
I'm not patient. I don't care to be. Loving, tempered, kind- yes I want to be those things. But God knows me. Whatever energy created the "soul" part of my entirety knows what I am: I'm farrrr from passive or patient or a "waiter." No fucking way. I'm more of a fighter. I'm persistent. And I always succeed in achieving what I really truly want in my life. I believe in having patience when it comes to dealing with people. Staying calm. As patient as possible, like with my son. But "patience" as in waiting around for something to happen? Hell no. That is not me. I'm the kind of person where if I wanted a baby and was having a hard time getting pregnant then I would be trying everything under the sun to help me get pregnant while putting my name on an adoption list and if in the end I ended up with two babies, one biological and one adopted, so be it. I do not believe at all in "waiting for something else to bring it to me" or being patient and waiting. Nope. I'm just so so so not passive in that way.
I will say one thing. In my life when I have really wanted something doors then open for me. I cannot deny giving credit to whatever makes that happen. When I dearly wanted to work where I am now, when I wanted to stop working in Chicago and get closer to home and especially I wanted a job where I work today, a door opened. My friend called and told me about a job posting. Man! I did not feel totally qualified but I worked my ass off on that application, cover letter and questionnaire. And near the end I also wrote a "letter to the universe" telling God why I should get the job. And finally after 6 months of a process I was hired.
But I still feel my energy and strong belief and desire helped make that happen. I've always been a passionate person. If I love something then I ADORE it. I'm all in 110%. And God knows I adore James.
I'm not saying we can force people to be with us if they don't want to. In my case James literally told me "I do love you. Accept that." He does love me. The love is there. And he means the world to me!! But I do badly want him in my life. Because I remember how wonderful it was to be with him. I remember how happy he was to be with me. He was always excited to see me. And he could not keep his hands off me. We were at the beginning of a super duper awesome love relationship. Beautiful and sweet. He was kind and generous. Duper thoughtful. Entirely perfect. A cute walking ball of Love. I look back at the time we spent together and I know that is our truth. That is real. He is a good kind man. And I miss him a lot. I miss waiting for him to get to my house so I could see his sweet smile and kiss him. I loved being with him, anticipated kissing him for hours.
Best. Kisses. Ever.
I know I've said this so many times but I love that James kissed me just because he enjoys my kisses. He did not kiss me because he was lusting after me to where the kisses were foreplay. The kisses were sweet and innocent and right. The kisses were enough for him, simply being with me was enough for him, until I was ready for more. That is a good man. That is What he showed me when we were together. Us together is based on strong love and that is what I believe and hold tight to.
The quiet isn't easy. I'm sad. I am so sad because I miss James and I don't know when I might hear from him again. Not knowing is Hellish for me... because I miss him. I want to explain something though- whether or not I hear from him I still know he loves me and he would like to be here. That is my truth. I know he has been my mirror. I know twin souls reflect hard. I know my focus was off for a long time and even now maybe my focus isn't 100% where it should be. I'm tired. I get tired of trying to work on my energy. But one thing I will declare forever is I know James loves me. He is a good man who treated me like a princess. He treated my son well too. He is a kind man. He is gentle and very thoughtful. He might not be here right now but you will NEVER ever find me saying that this silence is because of him. I know why all this happened. I don't like that it happened. I liked when he was here and in my life. The only parts of this journey I have enjoyed were any of the loving warm real honest moments connected with James. His sweet funny flirty cute loving self; I have loved those times. Those times are what I will remember and carry with me. He called me his future. He said he wants me to be his future. I feel that he still does. I'm trying. Can I make it? I surely hope so. But at the very least I know in my heart that this wonderful man loves me. Always has. I wish he was here. It was such a blessing and miracle to see him and kiss him and be held by him when I saw him last. I ache to have him back with me like that. Loving and close. Real. I wish I could just call him up and invite him over like I could with anyone else I know. It hurts realizing that it does not work that way. It is frustrating to have to accept that I don't have that kind of freedom or control in this one single connection I have. But the one thing I do have is the knowledge that he does love me. I cherish that love. I cherish him. I'll always wish he could be here. I'm human and I want what I want which is James naked in our bed every night for the rest of my life. I want how it was, him cuddling me after making love, pillow talk. Pillow talk, giggling and kissing until he wanted me again. Making more sweet love with him telling me "You're amazing." I can't forget those moments. We never came to an end. There was no reason to. We love each other and that love never changed. I'll always crave him. I'll always wish and hope to have him here with me. Sharing life. Having a family.
It is sad to me. James was sweet to my child. Not only did he show me love and affection but he respected me as a mother. That means as much to me as the kisses and lovemaking. He took my young son into consideration and was so considerate and caring. It makes my heart ache, those memories. To have someone so perfect in my life and then to lose that person- it is an ache beyond words. I wish James was with us. I just wish he was with us. There is no other man out there who would feel like him.
*sigh* There are other good people out there but I want James. I can only hope and pray that we connect soon. I miss him with my entire being. He is such a good guy. I loved being with him. My dream come true. I'm not really sure what to do from here. I just love him. That's pretty easy to do.
Jennifer
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