Man. At least I stayed away from drinking over the weekend. I've been thinking more and more about all the signs I've had to not drink and I really want to ensure I listen. I should be stronger than this. I know I am. I need to be healthy for me and my child. OMG I don't know if I can be 100% all the time. But I am praying to God to please help me. When I do drink I try to keep it to a bare minimum. I feel so much better sober!
I am trying to think positive. I have no idea if "missing" James or feeling sad actually keeps him away from me. I don't mean to feel sad. But like this picture above explains, he is the very first thought I have in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep. But unlike this picture he is not here in my arms and it aches.
I have my memories and I think that is why it aches a lot right now. Because I am flooded with memories of him and the things we talked about and the life he said he wanted with me. I know being married to James would be wonderful. He would be an amazing husband. He would be kind and gentle and responsible and good. He would be different than anything I've known before, and he was different, way way different than what I knew before.
He is the answer to my prayers, literally. I prayed for him and he came to me. I don't know how it works but I know what I deserve! I know what I deserve. I finally asked for exactly what I deserve and then James came to me, and he is everything I have ever wanted. He is right for me. Totally upstanding and strong. He cares about people and animals and the earth. He is so smart and easy to talk to. He is not really interested in drama and bullshit which is so refreshing. And he did not play around! He was there for me from the start! He always contacted me, always said hello. He was really good at responding. So good that he actually would tell me, "Sorry I could not respond right away. I know waiting isn't fun." He just KNEW. He was perfect when we were together. He called me all the time. I don't think I called him once while we dated because he always called me. He called for long conversations and he called just to say a quick hello. It was super sweet, how in touch with me he was.
I miss him. If it was just love or attention I missed then I would have moved on already. But when you have had the best and you feel like you can get it back then you keep working at it, and that is where I am- but being without him hurts so much. I feel like there were many times I could have gotten closer to him but I always got scared or could not hold on! That damn quiet! In the beginning it made me scared and mad. For a long time it did. I think maybe finally I am conditioned to realize that it is what it is and if I am going to hear from him it isn't going to be until "something" is right. The energy or something. I know that he'd talk to me if he could, and yes I still believe he would like to talk with me. I really do. And I would love to talk with him. I see all these things and think, "Man I wish I could talk to James about that." It hurts really bad to know you have a friend out there and ache to speak with that friend.
I sometimes get scared that missing him or talking about missing him will keep him away like has been taught. But it is very hard to not miss him. He is wonderful. I saw him last year and it was amazing. Seeing him brought it all back home. I wish he was here with me, my home. I really do. I remember how perfect and wonderful it was spending time with him. Kissing on my couch. I loved sitting and kissing him. Everything was right in the world when we were smooching and being close and embracing and making out like teen-agers. I love that he told me he loves me like a thousand times in six weeks. I love the he sent me a photo of himself holding a sign that says, "I LOVE you Jen!" Yes I wish I could have believed it more.
I wish I could have believed it more. I wish he could have stayed. I wish we had a home and a life together right now. I wish that every single day. I don't know how to feel. I don't want to "miss" him too much and keep him away. I don't want to "distract" but sometimes all of this is overwhelming. I CAN do this and I will. I know we are meant to be together, and he's told me. He has told me he does want me in his life! I just know we are linked and we love each other and we are meant to be together. I wish he was here with me now though. Like tonight. Right this moment. My arms ache to hold him. I want to touch his sweet face and kiss his lips. I want to melt into him.
This has hurt so much. I wish we could just hold each other for a very long time. I wish he could hold me. I know he knows, and I feel that if he could he would comfort me, like he wants to do so. Wants to love me. I wish he could now. I don't know what else to say. I know he is a sweet kind helpful loving man. People like James want to help others, want to be loving and kind. I know him. I know if he could he would want to hug me and be kind.
I miss my Atheist sweetheart. I love that on our first date he wore a black t-shirt with a big glaring letter "A" on it. It made me laugh. Every time I pass that bar, every morning, I look at the parking lot and remember him walking towards me with his Atheist t-shirt and big smile and glowing blue eyes and I remember how I felt. I was like OH MY GOD he is adorable. And his hug felt amazing. And his smile was beautiful. And his eyes are amazing! And he told me I was just as beautiful as he knew I would be.
I want my boyfriend back. I love James and miss him. So much. Not many moments go by when he is not on my mind but I remember him telling me that not a day goes by that he does not think of me, and I will always hold on to him tell me he DOES love me. I'm right, and I know I am right. I am right still- he does love me, always has. And I know he wants to be with me. I just really hope it can be soon because I feel like I am dying inside. It is such a fucking challenge to stay totally sober like this. I am doing the absolute best I can. I hope God knows my pure intentions because I am not angry or resentful. At all!!! I ONLY miss the man I love most in the universe. I know God and Higher Self tried to help me. Still does I am sure. I understand and am thankful even though in the past it has been hard to accept.
Again, doing the best I can. I miss my kid too. He was with his dad all weekend and I normally have him back on Sundays. I get to have him with me tonight. I cleaned and organized his play room and all his precious "boxes" that he saves from the recycle to build with. He will be very happy when he gets home and sees it all neat and orderly. My son truly helps keep me going. He is such a joy. I wish James could be with PJ again. They'd get along fabulously.
I miss him. I can't help it.
Jennifer
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