It's now 4AM. I wake thinking of James and this situation. I can't help but wonder when (trying to be positive here) I might see him again. I know to watch my words. See, there is this thing that happened a while back. It did not feel good at all. There is a lot I can forget but this one is harder to do that with yet it also works as a constant reminder to seriously watch what I say or inadvertently "ask for" with my words, deep thoughts or intentions. It forces me to be as aware as I can be. And I really do try to watch myself especially when it comes to this situation.
Discontent. I don't have what I dearly want in my life which is my romantic partner, my loving life mate, my "other half." And I really do want it to be James, like we talked about. Like he said he wanted. But I'm so antsy and "trying" to be okay "in the now" when really I often feel like shit. I do this "card of the day" program that sends me a message card every morning. Today it spoke of generosity. It says to ensure I spread generosity (I do what I can) and to accept it when it is given.
It makes me aware that I do help when I can like my friend and her kids living here with us. I donate and help here and there. I try to be conscious of being generous without any worry because I know I always have enough. I like to help other people. It also made me think of James. It said I might meet a kind generous person. He is a kind and generous person. James was very generous to me. Thougtful but more generous and giving than I expected or was used to. It was a lovely experience. I really did appreciate his kind gestures and how thoughtful he was with me. And PJ.
Waking at 4AM allows me ample time to think!! I miss James. And I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've kind of lost the desire to write for hours a day. I try to keep my thoughts as clear as possible. I'd love to find some really good books to read. I do try to focus my thoughts and do my version of meditation which is to write at least once a day. Focused energy. But beyond that I'm kind of antsy.
So I ask myself- what to do? Art helps a bit But even then I get bored. It is fun to create and make stuff and push myself to see what I can re-create or figure out but in the end I'm still discontent. I want to be hugging and kissing my Love. I want to be talking and laughing and texting and saying hello and looking forward to seeing each other. A huge important part of my life is missing right now.
Not quite sure what I'm meant to be doing right now. One thing I tell myself is at the very least I'm "alone." Like I don't date anyone else and I'm not tempted to. I don't want anyone else. I want James and for that reason I choose to stay alone. If I do get a man who asks me out I tell him I care for someone else. That is true. I want to be with the man I care about.
I look back and see where I made choices that brought me where I am today. I tell myself that right now maybe all I can do is "hold on." Not just wait. Staying as loving as I can. Looking forward to seeing James again but also very consciously holding on to him. I don't think I've done that consistently and maybe it affected this connection more than I know. So now even when I feel powerless I can at least know I'm choosing to keep my energy and focus to myself and my Love. Not on anyone else. That is me using my energy and intention too. "Holding on" is a choice. I suppose it is active not passive. I'm not explaining myself well. When you are in a situation where no amount of emailing or texting or reaching out by normal human means or even begging God seems to be exacting any change (that you can actually see) one can begin to feel frustrated. I KNOW the energy stuff shifts things. I know. But it often feels so "out of my hands" that I crave feeling more HUMAN than energy.
Kind of like... say I'm really hungry and I want pizza right now. The energy work feels like okay I'm hungry for pizza so I'm going to pray for pizza and focus on pizza and know pizza will one day come to me. Um, no. I'm either going to make a pizza or better yet go order a pizza from someone who is better at making pizzas than me. I'll have pizza by the time the night is through.
We all like being able to have what we want when we want it. And I currently don't have what I want. I feel like I wish I could do something "active" or something that makes me feel some kind of control... and really the only control I have right now is over my choices. I have the power to at least be able to say "Nope I don't want that." And "I'm still holding on to this." My choice.
Maybe that's close to all I can do right now, that and cry. I really want James to be the man in my life. I miss him and love him so much. I do remember him, how friendly and smiley he always was. I wish I could see his smile again. It might not feel like much but in a situation that feels like I can't do what humans normally do to resolve things I can at least keep holding on to what is dear to me. That is one thing I can do.
Seriously. There is only so much I can control. My thoughts as much as possible. My words. My choices. SOME of my emotions. I can eliminate the false emotions like rage or hate (there is no real good legitimate reason for those emotions so I should not allow them) but I cannot stop myself from feeling honestly what I feel, what I have a good honest reason to feel- heart ache. Sadness. Those are legitimate. I have a real reason to feel them. They are honest emotions and I can't not feel them. It is worthless for me to expend my previous energy fighting to control my heart!! So that is one thing I won't try and control, my love and strong ache for this man. I will use my energy to control what I feel I CAN control.
Like drinking alcohol. I'd rather cry my ass off and feel sad while using my energy to not drink. Strength. I can be strong enough to stay sober. I can be strong enough to hold on to what is dear to me. But there is no need to be "strong" in burying my sadness and ache and how much I miss a person I love.
Hi Rose, you seem to be going through lots of pain. I don't think I have much to say other than to share what has worked for me. Your emotions and feelings are not crazy. They are okay. And it's okay to feel them. What really matters is how you deal with them. The choices you make as you go through the process of healing yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour blogging is a good way of meditating, I guess and at least you can let off steam. Bit don't just stop there. Find time for yourself. It really helps to get in touch with your feelings and the reason behind them.
.What you are saying is true. Don't fight your feelings. But don't just acknowledge them either. Listen to them, question them. Ask them why they are there and what they are trying to teach you.
And sometimes your pain and anger is self directed but it isn't coming from you. And please don't always listen to what others tell you. Not even me. Please teach yourself how to be self-centered. Not selfish but self-centered.
Listen to yourself and do what resonates with you right now. For instance, if your card says be generous, don't just start with others. Please start with yourself. Don't be generous to others at the expense of your heart and your soul. Be generous with your time to yourself. Be generous to yourself with your space. If you need your own space, please make some. Even if it's an extra room which is yours alone.
A stroll out with nature...
Or an extra hour to stroll through the streets in the afternoon. Or tell your friend to please clean up after themselves because clutter is stressing you up. Please take care of yourself. Loving has to start with you. Christ said , Love your neighbour as you love yourself. The comparison denotes that you can only love your neighbour with the exact same measure that you love yourself. You have to start with yourself.
Please note that from the ages of 12 to 30 we have no idea where Christ was. We can be very sure he was somewhere loving himself, Acquainting himself with God's power, cultivating love within so he could later be able to spread it.
Loving yourself means refusing to judge yourself for your needs. Cater to your needs as kindly ad possible. Love yourself fully. Not just accepting your body but accepting your quirks. What you love, what you hate and why. All of it. Who you don't like and why they make you feel so. Just sit with it and accept it. Its okay. Its perfect. It's who you are and you are apologizing to nobody.
If you can, try and retrace your attitudes to early childhood or major events in your life. Then try and heal that. Listen to your inner self. Don't judge yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Heal those 'not acceptable' parts of you that society has said are unacceptable. Who the hell is society to tell you anything? Accept them, its okay. You are not evil. You are just you. Sit with all those feelings and then integrate them within. Accept them, and in so doing they'll stop affecting you covertly. Sometimes its the shadow side of ourselves that is trying to teach us something that we are busy fighting.
Welcome that frightened shadow and ask it kindly with care, who made it so scary and whose advice we (you and your shadow) should start ignoring. Then all that hidden pain will subside.
You will miss your twin with more longing and love, but most of the negative pain and anger will be gone.
I hope that helps you a bit.