Fun

My son and I are at a play land tonight. Silly mom. He had a doctor's appointment today so I took him out of school early. Got to his appointment but took him to the wrong location. Honest mistake. But we had the afternoon off together and he suggested we come here so we hit the Chinese buffet and then came to play. I've been on the bumper cars so many times I feel like I've lost a few brain cells. And we won on the race cars. So he is happy. And tomorrow we are "going on vacation" as he calls it because I booked us an overnight an hour away at a small indoor water park hotel.

Big fun. I need something. I need something to interrupt this terrible ache I deal with. I'm so tired of aching. I'm tired. Thankfully I have my child because we do have a lot of fun together. He is such a dear kid. Some of his friends ended up here too so he is having a blast.

I just wish James was with us. I'm so ready to have a full family not just me and PJ. We were good together and I know we still would be. I just really wish he was with us now. Now would be nice.

Or a conversation. Like people do. I either need to see him or have a real honest truthful conversation with him. It would feel wonderful to speak with James again.

So obviously if you have read my blog you know I love this man and believe we have some kind of energetic connection. Here I am wanting him, working to think good loving thoughts, being focused. And yesterday I got a message from some other man I know. It is so weird. I have not talked with him in over a year and when I last did it was brief. I have not seen him in a long time. It was always a mutual interest and attraction but the time was never right for us. Now he is single and lives not far from me.

But he is not my friend on FB. Meaning it's not like he saw something I posted that spurred him to contact me. Yesterday he said hello and asked how I'm doing. I was internally like "WTF!?" and I carefully answered, said hello and asked how he has been.

I also told any energies out there that I'm not interested in this guy. And he never replied back.

I think that is the weirdest shit. Says hi. Asks how I am. Says nothing more.

Why?

I'm trying to not be irritated yet it feels like a game. An exhausting game full of heart ache because I have this dude contacting me when I did not think of him at all. But I'm dying to hear from James.

We would have fun together. I'm a fun person to be around. I like to go fishing and get my hands dirty. I like to have a good time. I'm young-at-heart. I'm a fun mom (just ask my son) and I joke and laugh about farts, poop and burping. Oh, and I'll never act my age. Whatever that means.

I try to live a fun "happy" life but my God it feels incomplete. I'm so fortunate that my child is able to have a really fun happy childhood. I give him that. But I wish I felt fun and happy on the inside behind this smile I often don't feel but I plaster on my face anyway.

I have no alcohol at home. Thankfully. I'm ready to go home soon and get into bed. I might make some hot tea. I wish I knew why I get men like the guy yesterday who contact me when all I fucking want is to talk to James! It is so frustrating. I don't understand. Because I'm trying to keep my emotions on the "love scale" I'm working to avoid any anger or resentment so I don't want to let it anger me. I can only hope there is some good reason for it. Because it does not feel good to beg the universe for the opportunity to talk to the man I truly love and care about and then get someone I don't care to hear from (at all) contacting me. Unnerving. And you wonder why it is tempting to drink or why in the past I've felt like the universe is taunting me.

I need good dreams.

Jennifer