I feel so sad. I don't even know what to think. I am trying to be brave and hopeful but I love James and miss him and I just don't know. Everyone says to be happy and enjoy life and I'm here like... okay. Okay.
I give up on promising God total sobriety. I can't do it right now. Best I can do is try my best at staying away from hard liquor. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and right now I have about one single string of sanity left. I already told my roommate "I can't." If I am stressed and want to relax then I am going to have a glass of wine. Again the best I can do is no hard stuff. But to ask me to not drink at all, when I feel like I could die from the emotional pain I feel, not going to happen and I am tired of trying.
The way I feel is really strange. I feel sad. I miss him. I am so not content or happy because I have no companion in my life and I'd really like that to change. I want James in my life (I refuse to be bland and say "I want a companion in my life" because I know what will happen. Later someone will reach out to me and I'll want to scream.) I want James. But I seriously wish I could get SOMETHING. Some word, please. I want to hear from him.
I woke this morning feeling like shit. I have about 12 loads of laundry to do. I've gained weight. I feel like a big fat marshmallow. I lack passion except for my son, and I manage to get my job done well, my career, because it helps me feel... normal. There is definition at my job and now the majority of it is working with construction and I like that best. So it's cool. I got an amazing AMAZING new boss; she's young and a mother and she understands me so well, and she really likes me. So that is awesome. Like you have no idea. My last boss was a wonderful man, and he mentored me well and he cared about me. He put up with a lot from me because after James was gone I lost my shit and about died so my boss has seen me crash and then rise from the ashes. But before he left he told her he was shocked and pleased at my performance and how well I've improved. He told her he was happy with my performance and that means the world to me. I have tried hard to come back from how hard it was to stay alive back then. I just wanted to die. I could barely breathe let alone work. I am lucky. I think my old boss is my soul mate, and he helped teach me a lot of things. He even helped teach me to stand up to him because I had to assert myself with him a few times, and that is something I really don't like to do. But anyway. Now we have this new start, a boss who recently told me, "Oh don't worry about being here right at 7:30." And when I told her I would be late because I needed to take my son to school she text me and said, "Don't worry about making up your time at lunch. You don't need to work through your lunch. It is no problem." AND she used a smiley face emoji. Like OMG- it is taking some getting used to but she is a total sweet lady so I am blessed. I do have a shit ton to do with my job change but it is all the stuff I do well so that's good.
But besides work- I am good at being a mom and then I have no passion for anything else. I have tried to make jewelry. I have ideas. But I have no passion. It sucks. It just plain old sucks. This heartache sucks the life out of me! I don't know what to do. I woke this morning thinking, "Why would he want me anyway?" I mean I like myself okay but I know I need to get active and get moving and lose some weight and be fit yet I have barely enough energy to get through my days as it is. My BFF Beverly says I am depressed, and I don't like it.
I really don't like it.
But I don't know how to change it. I wish God would ease me of my suffering and give me some resolution. Not limbo. I was talking with my roommate and I told her I feel like a vicious bitch because I can't tolerate much right now. I want to throat punch people. I am stretched thin emotionally. Everything makes me cry. I cry all the time. I miss the person I love. I miss the person I love. I saw him again but it has been a while again, and it feels sad to me. I want to hug him. And kiss him. And hug him some more. I want to hug him and hold him.
I know he is my friend and I want to talk to my friend. Badly. I ache in every cell of my body. I wish I could hear from him. I don't understand why there is still quiet. I don't know what to do. I just keep holding on. I don't want anyone else. I am so not interested so here I am, doing the best I can. My roommate said I am not mean but I am suffering, and it is hard to be emotionally stable when I am suffering.
I want it to change. I pray for this to change for the better so I can hear from him again. I should be able to talk to my friend.
The whole "twin soul" "twin flame" thing online is such a cluster fuck too. I hate the label. I only know that after he was gone my guidance called him my "soul twin." And I love him so much I could puke. Otherwise all I want to do is listen to whatever guides me, try to do the best to follow, pray and live the best life I can. I want nothing to do with the spiritual community or "twin flame" shit. It is all lies and egotistical bullshit. Healings and psychics and "Pay me 200.00 for an hour and I'll help you." BULLSHIT. I'm so done with it all.
I just want my boyfriend back. Soul mate I am sure he is to me. Or we are quantum entangled or something. We are connected in some way, and I know he loves me. Our love never had an ending. We didn't have an ending. There was no good-bye. He said it was not good-bye but "Until we see each other again." And I know the last time was not it. But this is fucking killing me inside. I want things to go back to how they were before when he used to come over and walk in my door with his cute warm smile and he would hug me, and it was so sweet and friendly and good.
I know THAT is real. This makes me nuts. Because I know those hugs and smiles and knowing this super sweet friendly kind man was the truth, and all I want is that truth back. I just want that truth to be shown to me again.
Do wanna know the best way for me to explain how I am feeling right now? I am doing my best to just live. To be alive. Because I hurt, and I have to be a mom and a career woman and take care of a home the best I can- and all the while I hurt so much I feel like... how can a person live feeling this much inner ache? I dunno. I guess I am stronger than I realize. But there it is. I am doing my best just being alive. And I pray hard for something to shift so I can hear something from James, have a conversation with him, talk to him like a real normal person again, the James I knew. The James I knew. The man I met and dated and fell in love with and had hours of conversation and lots of pillow talk and kissing and nuzzling noses and smiling at each other and being happy together. I want to talk to that man. This is so challenging. Trying to be strong and positive and hopeful. I am not really hopeful. I just keep holding on because I know we love each other, and I know he is awesome and I know I deserve a him and his good strong love. So I keep on. Because I love him. But I can't help that I ache so I am doing what I can to accept that and ???
What else is there to do? I dunno. Sorry I sound so down. I love him so much but I miss him too. My heart still loves him as much as that first time when I saw him and my soul told my heart, "There he is, finally. Him. The One you deserve. The One."
Jennifer
Hi Rose, I stumbled upon your blog about a week ago and I read so many of your early posts...and everything you said resonated with me on such a level...it could have been written by me. Except I've never been able to express my thoughts and feelings so clearly!I'm from Italy, and my journey started only 1 year and a half ago. I met my A. in July, I was in a relationship and had been living with this person for 10 years, A. was married and had a newborn daughter. He was the one to recognize our soul connection, what we had in the first months was exactly what you describe having with your James. I won't bore you, you know what I mean...then I left my ex. I had no expectations whatsoever, I just wanted to be true to myself. As soon as A. and I shared some intimacy, the runner/chaser dynamic started. He would distance himself, so I would try to end things cause I couldn't accept his being cold and detached. His real self came back briefly for about a month last summer when he thought he was losing me...but it's been hell ever since. I can relate to everything you say, I've read some of your latest entries and you have no idea how deeply it all resonates. What I keep wondering is if maybe we aren't loving ourselves enough. Shouldn't we just try and go out and meet people even if the idea makes us sick? I get so many signs on a daily basis that I should be patient and be heart centered. But there are some times when I wonder if this might be another test. "Haven't you learnt from your past relationships that you should come first?that you're no floor mat?that you deserve to be loved, and reassured and listened to?" we can still love them, but there need to be boundaries. We should be able to have a good healthy talk, and that doesn't mean asking too much, or scaring them with an inquisition. Always thinking "oh poor him, he does that because of me, he's perfect and I am the problem" I believe only reinforces the idea that we are not good enough. And I'm sure you are an awesome person. An awesome mom, and you really deserve to be loved ❤ sorry if I've rambled too much...but I really felt I should reach out...and I know it's not much of a comfort, but you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah! Thank you for writing to me. I understand how you feel. I have entertained those very same questions in the past. I don't want to consider myself "the problem" so let's be a little more objective and neutral. I know for me I have seen where my energy is reflected back at me through him, like clearly I know when I have kept him away. I know when he's been able to come closer (when I have not been crazy and doubtful in my energy or running in some manner.) So for me I don't want to think I'm "bad" or "wrong" but I know what I've done that has kept us apart. And in all fairness to James- all he showed me (before my fears and stuff were shown to me hard core) was TOTAL SWEETNESS. Like perfect kindness, sweetness, loyalty, generosity, thoughtfulness, etc. I was kind to him too, don't get me wrong. None of this has happened due to either one of us being "bad people" or "the problem." I just did not see any fears or doubts in him. He gave me no reason to doubt him so I can't go there. It is why I am firm on knowing he is only a good loving man. I am also a good loving woman but I've had to battle through a lot of shitty thinking, and it has not been an easy process.
DeleteYES we do need to love ourselves. I just went through a bout of feeling like shit about myself again. But I heard this song called "Priceless" the other day by "For Kings & Country" and it spoke to me; it told me I am priceless and just because I am going through learning how to manifest properly, learning that I actually AM creating my reality (and I've created this one thing I that hurts, separation) does not mean I am "bad." It just means I am learning, and it is okay. So I try to be really good to myself and know I am wonderful and a good kind decent loving person (even when I have bad crappy days.) So yes we do need to be good to ourselves and love ourselves. That said, for my situation I do not want to date. This is because I DO want James in my life. James. I want him. And I've already clearly been shown that if I want him then I must focus on what I want and not be tempted to stray to something else. Because it just won't work. So for me it is not... less self-loving to continue to focus on what I want instead of going out to be with someone else. I know what I want and as long as he is who I want then I am being true to me in holding on to that.
ReplyDeleteI understand why it can appear to be a lack of self-love to "accept" the silence, etc. But with this unique connection I can see so clearly how the silence and shit that has happened has originated from me so how can I blame him? I can't. So I don't see it as me accepting less or allowing myself to be shit on. Because I know he is not being mean. I wish we were talking now. I wish things would never have changed to begin with but they did and I don't blame him so no I don't see it as me accepting less. Believe me- I know the difference. I've been in "regular" relationships before where I was being disregarded or not treated how I believe I deserve to be treated and I did move on. But James actually was the one who treated me like I deserve to be treated and I believe in this enough to know he is still the huge wonderful love I deserve so I really try to see this from a higher perspective. I just feel that if I want him and my heart is set on him and I already know we have a strangely unique situation then I'm gonna just go with it and do the best I can in the hopes we can be together again. I hope that helps.
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