Honesty

James once told me that "honesty" is what matters most to him.  I always think back to that and ask myself if I am being honest in my actions, thoughts, intentions, etc.  *sigh*  I can only hope so.  I have this feeling that one of the things that has kept me apart from him is because when I get really frustrated or afraid I then think, "Well I'll just try dating someone else then."  And now that I look back I probably should never have done that.  Especially because really who I want is James.  I don;t want anyone else.  I'm serious.  I am so fucking tired right now, emotionally exhausted.  I cry constantly but then I think to myself that maybe I've brought most of it on myself, sometimes maybe even when I knew better but ignored it, yet still I don't like how I feel right now.  It is a really suck-ass feeling to feel so sad and weepy and missing this person I love so much.  James was the last man I made love with.  He was the last man who was inside of me looking into my eyes and holding me close while making love to me.  I don't want anyone else.  I don't ever want to be with anyone but him.  But I miss him.  It makes me so sad inside.  I am a sad wreck.  I get in my car and all the songs make me sad.  Half the time I can't take it so I leave the kid's station playing.  It has songs like this one:

Seriously sometimes this is all I can handle.

But this morning I had regular radio stations playing and I thought of this one song that totally tears me up and wouldn't you know it played next?  And I sobbed.  I don't even bother with makeup- it's a moot point now.  Why apply it when I am going to smear it all to holy Hell?

This morning was this song.

Every damn word is how I feel.  It kills me.  I hurt so bad.  Being apart from James just sucks.
I fucking hurt so bad right now.

I don't know how to deal with this ache I feel.

I feel like my heart is being crushed all the time.  This sorrow.

I need James to know that being separated from him is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my entire life.  Worse than my childhood, worse than anything else I've endured.  Being away from him feels like death while I am still breathing, while I have to be alive.

I try so fucking hard to be strong.  Every single day I wake up and tell myself, "You'll get through this just like you did yesterday.  You are strong."  And I do get through each day.  I have to.  I am a mother and I have a job with important shit that I need to get done, and the people I work with on campus see me as being helpful and on the ball (how I manage that I have no idea) so I HAVE to keep going at work and at home.  I battle each and every day to NOT stop and buy vodka to numb my pain- I fucking hurt.  This HURTS.  I try to drink tea instead.  Tea is not quite the same as vodka but I am doing my best.

It is so so so challenging to try and stay sober when I ache this much!  I totally beg God to have mercy on me because I am only so strong, and I hurt so bad.

And I wish, constantly, that I could talk with my friend again. 

I do not hurt because I feel rejected or abandoned or unloved.  I hurt because I have not spoken with the man I love for over six months and I miss the FUCK out of him!  And I saw him for a few blissful hours last year and have barely spoken with him since.  Seeing him and kissing him and sharing love with him felt AMAZING.  This experience since then does not feel good.  I don't know what else to say.  I keep holding on.  Keep holding on telling myself to focus and know truth and stay honest but being unable to talk with him... it's like Hell.

I am in Hell right now.  And I don't like it.  It hurts.  It hurts so much that if I did not have a solid reason for being here I really might cut out early.  I am suffering.  I refuse to hide it or fake it or force happy.  Inside where it can't be seen I am totally fucking suffering.  I need help, and I don't mean "advice."  I need my situation to change for the better.  I'm doing the best I can but I ache so much and I really want my happiness and bliss back.  I want it to be like it was when James was here.

I wish I could talk to James.  I wish I could see his sweet face again.  I am on my fucking knees BEGGING God- begging.  PLEASE please help me, help me through this.  Help me CHANGE this for the better.  I cannot stop how I feel about James.  I love him dearly and I miss him with my entire heart.  What I would not give for an honest genuine conversation with the man I met and fell in love with.  Limbo does not work well for me.  James told me to accept that he loves me and wants me in his life.  And I do accept it.  I know he loves me.  But that does nothing to take away the pain of separation.  It does very little to ease my heart.  Because I MISS HIM.  And I wonder when I will hear from him next.  I wonder how long it will be before I get to hear from him or hear his voice or see his face or hug him.  NORMAL.  I want normal and real and honest truth.

Like I wrote in another post one of the only things I feel I can "control" is whether or not I stay in this.  So I choose to keep going even though I feel like I am dying inside.  I don't want to ever tell the universe "I can't do this" because I don't know what it will bring me.  I AM doing this- even though I am suffering.  And the only reason why I try is because of James.  He is the only reason, because he was so wonderful to me and I love him and I believe he still loves me.  I cannot give up on us.  He used to tell me "I believe in us" and I remember that.  I want us back together.

His memory does warm my heart.  It does.  But I am still sad.  Because his memory is a memory.  And I want more than a memory.  I want him back now.  Thinking of him feels bittersweet.  It is a good feeling but at the same time it aches deeply.

I hope James realizes that being away from him, not being able to talk with him or see him smile or know him like I did before, his friendly kind self, hurts beyond reason.  Being apart from him is what hurts.  And it is hard to stay sober when I hurt this much.  Know that it is the biggest challenge ever to a) want to stay alive when I feel like this and b) not drink alcohol every single fucking day in order to escape my feelings just a tiny bit.  I am trying hard to stay as balanced and I can and it is hard.  I am tense.  I ache because I miss James and I have a house full of people with two extra kids there and that gets overwhelming and I want to be a good happy person around all of the kids but I hurt like a fucking BITCH and... and add to all of that the fact that I am battling very very hard to stay as sober as I can which means absolutely no hard liquor, and staying sober when life is "okay" and normal can be a challenge when the predisposition is there to begin with but add in being FUCKING SAD and aching every day and THEN trying to be sober is its own kind of Hell, totally 100% harder.  I have to try so hard to be so strong.  And I really just want to talk to James.  I need some kind of contact; limbo is killing me. I cannot stand limbo.  The ongoing silence after HE reached out to me and told me to text him and then he called me and I KNOW he loves me- I KNOW it... I pray for some kind of contact.

Please.

I wish he could just come back and know me again, be my friend, be honest, be loving and kind like before.

I need him.  I don't love him because I need him.  I need him because I love him, and living like this- completely apart and not talking and not in contact at all- feels like I am living in my own private Hell.  I need him.