Kisses

I really wish I could kiss James.

I'm okay. I feel sad missing him though. I've already explained that I don't feel I can control that sadness or aching for him so I'm accepting it. What else can I do? Get a lobotomy? Run off and date someone else in an effort to ease my heart? So not genuine to myself and not very nice to someone new either. Not loving to James.

Nope. This feeling is not going anywhere so I have to accept it. I love him though. I really do. I miss him and the sweet tender way he kisses me. I ache for his genuine love. I miss us being together. I just really wish I could know him again and have his gentle kind caring presence back in my life. That is where I am right now.

I look back and see that he was everything I asked for. Everything plus a few things extra!! Perfection. And he is so so beautiful. His face is beautiful. His eyes are gorgeous and his smile is glorious and I miss him through and through.

He made me laugh. He made me laugh because he is silly and a goofball and he would be goofy and make me smile and laugh. Perfect love. A romantic friendship. I could be myself with him, and I know he loves me for who I am. Even now I know it.

I am a good person and I deserve huge wonderful love in my life but he IS huge wonderful love! He is what I deserve! I know life spent together with him would be amazing, a dream come true. I know he would treat me so so good. He would treat me how I'm meant to be treated. He did when he was here and I wish I could go back and accept his huge love and still be together with him. But now all I can do is hope and wish and pray that I will hear from him again. Or see him. I want to see his sweet smile and hug my Love. I'm dying to hug James. My sweet loving friend.

All I can do is accept this ache. Honor the love I have for him. Hold his sweet memory close to my heart. Cry when I need to. Smile through my tears. Hug my James Bear and pray so so hard to know my kind loving friend again.

I pray for honesty and truth. I want honesty and truth shown to me again. I know him!! I know the dear man he is and I wish I could know my kind friend. I believe in him and trust him but I miss that loving thoughtful amazing man. I wish... I could have my gift back.

I love you.

Jennifer.

"Him"

I saw this today and thought, yep.  This.  My soul recognized him right away.

I feel so sad.  I don't even know what to think.  I am trying to be brave and hopeful but I love James and miss him and I just don't know.  Everyone says to be happy and enjoy life and I'm here like... okay.  Okay.

I give up on promising God total sobriety.  I can't do it right now.  Best I can do is try my best at staying away from hard liquor.  I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and right now I have about one single string of sanity left.  I already told my roommate "I can't."  If I am stressed and want to relax then I am going to have a glass of wine.  Again the best I can do is no hard stuff.  But to ask me to not drink at all, when I feel like I could die from the emotional pain I feel, not going to happen and I am tired of trying. 

The way I feel is really strange.  I feel sad.  I miss him.  I am so not content or happy because I have no companion in my life and I'd really like that to change.  I want James in my life (I refuse to be bland and say "I want a companion in my life" because I know what will happen.  Later someone will reach out to me and I'll want to scream.)  I want James.  But I seriously wish I could get SOMETHING.  Some word, please.  I want to hear from him. 

I woke this morning feeling like shit.  I have about 12 loads of laundry to do.  I've gained weight.  I feel like a big fat marshmallow.  I lack passion except for my son, and I manage to get my job done well, my career, because it helps me feel... normal.  There is definition at my job and now the majority of it is working with construction and I like that best.  So it's cool.  I got an amazing AMAZING new boss; she's young and a mother and she understands me so well, and she really likes me.  So that is awesome.  Like you have no idea.  My last boss was a wonderful man, and he mentored me well and he cared about me.  He put up with a lot from me because after James was gone I lost my shit and about died so my boss has seen me crash and then rise from the ashes.  But before he left he told her he was shocked and pleased at my performance and how well I've improved.  He told her he was happy with my performance and that means the world to me.  I have tried hard to come back from how hard it was to stay alive back then.  I just wanted to die.  I could barely breathe let alone work.  I am lucky.  I think my old boss is my soul mate, and he helped teach me a lot of things.  He even helped teach me to stand up to him because I had to assert myself with him a few times, and that is something I really don't like to do.  But anyway.  Now we have this new start, a boss who recently told me, "Oh don't worry about being here right at 7:30."  And when I told her I would be late because I needed to take my son to school she text me and said, "Don't worry about making up your time at lunch.  You don't need to work through your lunch.  It is no problem."  AND she used a smiley face emoji.  Like OMG- it is taking some getting used to but she is a total sweet lady so I am blessed.  I do have a shit ton to do with my job change but it is all the stuff I do well so that's good.

But besides work- I am good at being a mom and then I have no passion for anything else.  I have tried to make jewelry.  I have ideas.  But I have no passion.  It sucks.  It just plain old sucks.  This heartache sucks the life out of me!  I don't know what to do.  I woke this morning thinking, "Why would he want me anyway?"  I mean I like myself okay but I know I need to get active and get moving and lose some weight and be fit yet I have barely enough energy to get through my days as it is.  My BFF Beverly says I am depressed, and I don't like it. 

I really don't like it.

But I don't know how to change it.  I wish God would ease me of my suffering and give me some resolution.  Not limbo.  I was talking with my roommate and I told her I feel like a vicious bitch because I can't tolerate much right now.  I want to throat punch people.  I am stretched thin emotionally.  Everything makes me cry.  I cry all the time.  I miss the person I love.  I miss the person I love.  I saw him again but it has been a while again, and it feels sad to me.  I want to hug him.  And kiss him.  And hug him some more.  I want to hug him and hold him. 

I know he is my friend and I want to talk to my friend.  Badly.  I ache in every cell of my body.  I wish I could hear from him.  I don't understand why there is still quiet.  I don't know what to do.  I just keep holding on.  I don't want anyone else.  I am so not interested so here I am, doing the best I can.  My roommate said I am not mean but I am suffering, and it is hard to be emotionally stable when I am suffering. 

I want it to change.  I pray for this to change for the better so I can hear from him again.  I should be able to talk to my friend.

The whole "twin soul" "twin flame" thing online is such a cluster fuck too.  I hate the label.  I only know that after he was gone my guidance called him my "soul twin."  And I love him so much I could puke.  Otherwise all I want to do is listen to whatever guides me, try to do the best to follow, pray and live the best life I can.  I want nothing to do with the spiritual community or "twin flame" shit.  It is all lies and egotistical bullshit.  Healings and psychics and "Pay me 200.00 for an hour and I'll help you."  BULLSHIT.  I'm so done with it all.

I just want my boyfriend back.  Soul mate I am sure he is to me.  Or we are quantum entangled or something.  We are connected in some way, and I know he loves me.  Our love never had an ending.  We didn't have an ending.  There was no good-bye.  He said it was not good-bye but "Until we see each other again."  And I know the last time was not it.  But this is fucking killing me inside.  I want things to go back to how they were before when he used to come over and walk in my door with his cute warm smile and he would hug me, and it was so sweet and friendly and good. 

I know THAT is real.  This makes me nuts.  Because I know those hugs and smiles and knowing this super sweet friendly kind man was the truth, and all I want is that truth back.  I just want that truth to be shown to me again. 

Do wanna know the best way for me to explain how I am feeling right now?  I am doing my best to just live.  To be alive.  Because I hurt, and I have to be a mom and a career woman and take care of a home the best I can- and all the while I hurt so much I feel like... how can a person live feeling this much inner ache?  I dunno.  I guess I am stronger than I realize.  But there it is.  I am doing my best just being alive.  And I pray hard for something to shift so I can hear something from James, have a conversation with him, talk to him like a real normal person again, the James I knew.  The James I knew.  The man I met and dated and fell in love with and had hours of conversation and lots of pillow talk and kissing and nuzzling noses and smiling at each other and being happy together.  I want to talk to that man.  This is so challenging.  Trying to be strong and positive and hopeful.  I am not really hopeful.  I just keep holding on because I know we love each other, and I know he is awesome and I know I deserve a him and his good strong love.  So I keep on.  Because I love him.  But I can't help that I ache so I am doing what I can to accept that and ???

What else is there to do?  I dunno.  Sorry I sound so down.  I love him so much but I miss him too.  My heart still loves him as much as that first time when I saw him and my soul told my heart, "There he is, finally.  Him.  The One you deserve.  The One."

Jennifer

Crying

I'm not in the best mood. I'm tired. I'm sober which is good but I'm longing and cranky.

I hurt.

I remember James. And it aches. I wanted to be with him and have a family already. We talked about that. I remember him looking at my son and telling me he did not know how to be a daddy but he could learn. Such a good kind man so for him to be gone really hurts. I want to hear from him or see him. I need to hear from him. I ache and hurt so deeply that I feel like I'm going to lose it.

I wish James could help me. I pray for help. I am begging for help at this time because I'm tortured knowing what a good thing I had in him and that regret and desire hurts. I miss him so much and I do not I know what else to do but let myself cry to get the pain out. I cry constantly.

My son is my dear. I still sing to him before bed. His two favorites are "Hush Little Baby" but we have always called it Hush Little PJ and I change the words. Like "Hush little PJ don't say a word. Mommy's gonna give you a dry cat turd" which he of course thinks is hilarious. Or "Mommy's gonna teach you a bunch of dirty words."

His other favorite is "I've Been Working on The Railroad." Big surprise. So I still sing these to him. He is such a sweetie. He had an early bed time tonight because he was super tired. I bought a lava lamp last week that has glitter in it. He loves it.

Sorrowful is how I feel. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what to do. I really don't. The only reason why I hold on and keep hoping is because James is amazing. That is the only reason. He is. Only because I remember his long deep passionate kisses and how he held me and respected me and was super kind and good. He was perfect when he was here with me. When it was just easy love. Before I started letting my fears take over.

Oh I wish we could go back to that time! Start again. It was the best time of my life. I was so happy with him. I just know there is no other man out there who I am going to love as much as I do James. It makes me feel like... I have no other choice but to get through this because that's it. I don't want anyone but him. Lately even the thought makes me sick, of anyone but him. He was the last man I was naked with and made love with. Being with him made me become protective over myself. I can't imagine how long I would wait if I started dating someone new!! It would be impossible to top the best thing that ever happened to me. The nicest boyfriend. Most loving guy and the sweetest lover. I pray to God I hear from James soon. I miss him. It hurts to live without him. I know I have a unique love with him.

I asked myself the other morning- what makes this one so different from the couple other men I fell so hard in love with? Because I honestly have no feelings for them at all. If I saw any one of them right now I would not have strong attraction or love. Not at all like James. So I asked myself is it only due to the signs and messages? Is that why I hold on? Why such a strong attachment to this guy? And really it makes me cry. The answer is so obvious.

It was super duper REAL with James. Real. Honest. Genuine. A real good relationship. He is what I truly deserve. He was finally the real full honest love I deserve. It was based on pure sweet love. We waited to make love. It was special. He is special. I love everything about him too. He's so perfect to me and for me! That is why it is different and I don't want to let go.

I've had loads of signs showing me to hold on. But I don't want to let go. I love him. Him. This one single adorable man.

Yes it makes me cry. I guess that's just how it goes. James is amazing and the best sweetest love. I deserve his huge awesome love!! I deserve him. I deserve to be loved by him.

Memories

Man.  At least I stayed away from drinking over the weekend.  I've been thinking more and more about all the signs I've had to not drink and I really want to ensure I listen.  I should be stronger than this.  I know I am.  I need to be healthy for me and my child.  OMG I don't know if I can be 100% all the time.  But I am praying to God to please help me.  When I do drink I try to keep it to a bare minimum.  I feel so much better sober!

I am trying to think positive.  I have no idea if "missing" James or feeling sad actually keeps him away from me.  I don't mean to feel sad.  But like this picture above explains, he is the very first thought I have in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep.  But unlike this picture he is not here in my arms and it aches.

I have my memories and I think that is why it aches a lot right now.  Because I am flooded with memories of him and the things we talked about and the life he said he wanted with me.  I know being married to James would be wonderful.  He would be an amazing husband.  He would be kind and gentle and responsible and good.  He would be different than anything I've known before, and he was different, way way different than what I knew before.

He is the answer to my prayers, literally.  I prayed for him and he came to me.  I don't know how it works but I know what I deserve!  I know what I deserve.  I finally asked for exactly what I deserve and then James came to me, and he is everything I have ever wanted.  He is right for me.  Totally upstanding and strong.  He cares about people and animals and the earth.  He is so smart and easy to talk to.  He is not really interested in drama and bullshit which is so refreshing.  And he did not play around!  He was there for me from the start!  He always contacted me, always said hello.  He was really good at responding.  So good that he actually would tell me, "Sorry I could not respond right away.  I know waiting isn't fun."  He just KNEW.  He was perfect when we were together.  He called me all the time.  I don't think I called him once while we dated because he always called me.  He called for long conversations and he called just to say a quick hello.  It was super sweet, how in touch with me he was.

I miss him.  If it was just love or attention I missed then I would have moved on already.  But when you have had the best and you feel like you can get it back then you keep working at it, and that is where I am- but being without him hurts so much.  I feel like there were many times I could have gotten closer to him but I always got scared or could not hold on!  That damn quiet!  In the beginning it made me scared and mad.  For a long time it did.  I think maybe finally I am conditioned to realize that it is what it is and if I am going to hear from him it isn't going to be until "something" is right.  The energy or something.  I know that he'd talk to me if he could, and yes I still believe he would like to talk with me.  I really do.  And I would love to talk with him.  I see all these things and think, "Man I wish I could talk to James about that."  It hurts really bad to know you have a friend out there and ache to speak with that friend.

I sometimes get scared that missing him or talking about missing him will keep him away like has been taught.  But it is very hard to not miss him.  He is wonderful.  I saw him last year and it was amazing.  Seeing him brought it all back home.  I wish he was here with me, my home.  I really do.  I remember how perfect and wonderful it was spending time with him.  Kissing on my couch.  I loved sitting and kissing him.  Everything was right in the world when we were smooching and being close and embracing and making out like teen-agers.  I love that he told me he loves me like a thousand times in six weeks.  I love the he sent me a photo of himself holding a sign that says, "I LOVE you Jen!"  Yes I wish I could have believed it more.

I wish I could have believed it more.  I wish he could have stayed.  I wish we had a home and a life together right now.  I wish that every single day.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't want to "miss" him too much and keep him away.  I don't want to "distract" but sometimes all of this is overwhelming.  I CAN do this and I will.  I know we are meant to be together, and he's told me.  He has told me he does want me in his life!  I just know we are linked and we love each other and we are meant to be together.  I wish he was here with me now though.  Like tonight.  Right this moment.  My arms ache to hold him.  I want to touch his sweet face and kiss his lips.  I want to melt into him.

This has hurt so much.  I wish we could just hold each other for a very long time.  I wish he could hold me.  I know he knows, and I feel that if he could he would comfort me, like he wants to do so.  Wants to love me.  I wish he could now.  I don't know what else to say.  I know he is a sweet kind helpful loving man.  People like James want to help others, want to be loving and kind.  I know him.  I know if he could he would want to hug me and be kind.

I miss my Atheist sweetheart.  I love that on our first date he wore a black t-shirt with a big glaring letter "A" on it.  It made me laugh.  Every time I pass that bar, every morning, I look at the parking lot and remember him walking towards me with his Atheist t-shirt and big smile and glowing blue eyes and I remember how I felt.  I was like OH MY GOD he is adorable.  And his hug felt amazing.  And his smile was beautiful.  And his eyes are amazing!  And he told me I was just as beautiful as he knew I would be.

I want my boyfriend back.  I love James and miss him.  So much.  Not many moments go by when he is not on my mind but I remember him telling me that not a day goes by that he does not think of me, and I will always hold on to him tell me he DOES love me.  I'm right, and I know I am right.  I am right still- he does love me, always has.  And I know he wants to be with me.  I just really hope it can be soon because I feel like I am dying inside.  It is such a fucking challenge to stay totally sober like this.  I am doing the absolute best I can.  I hope God knows my pure intentions because I am not angry or resentful.  At all!!!  I ONLY miss the man I love most in the universe.  I know God and Higher Self tried to help me.  Still does I am sure.  I understand and am thankful even though in the past it has been hard to accept.

Again, doing the best I can.  I miss my kid too.  He was with his dad all weekend and I normally have him back on Sundays.  I get to have him with me tonight.  I cleaned and organized his play room and all his precious "boxes" that he saves from the recycle to build with.  He will be very happy when he gets home and sees it all neat and orderly.  My son truly helps keep me going.  He is such a joy.  I wish James could be with PJ again.  They'd get along fabulously.

I miss him.  I can't help it.

Jennifer

Honesty

James once told me that "honesty" is what matters most to him.  I always think back to that and ask myself if I am being honest in my actions, thoughts, intentions, etc.  *sigh*  I can only hope so.  I have this feeling that one of the things that has kept me apart from him is because when I get really frustrated or afraid I then think, "Well I'll just try dating someone else then."  And now that I look back I probably should never have done that.  Especially because really who I want is James.  I don;t want anyone else.  I'm serious.  I am so fucking tired right now, emotionally exhausted.  I cry constantly but then I think to myself that maybe I've brought most of it on myself, sometimes maybe even when I knew better but ignored it, yet still I don't like how I feel right now.  It is a really suck-ass feeling to feel so sad and weepy and missing this person I love so much.  James was the last man I made love with.  He was the last man who was inside of me looking into my eyes and holding me close while making love to me.  I don't want anyone else.  I don't ever want to be with anyone but him.  But I miss him.  It makes me so sad inside.  I am a sad wreck.  I get in my car and all the songs make me sad.  Half the time I can't take it so I leave the kid's station playing.  It has songs like this one:

Seriously sometimes this is all I can handle.

But this morning I had regular radio stations playing and I thought of this one song that totally tears me up and wouldn't you know it played next?  And I sobbed.  I don't even bother with makeup- it's a moot point now.  Why apply it when I am going to smear it all to holy Hell?

This morning was this song.

Every damn word is how I feel.  It kills me.  I hurt so bad.  Being apart from James just sucks.
I fucking hurt so bad right now.

I don't know how to deal with this ache I feel.

I feel like my heart is being crushed all the time.  This sorrow.

I need James to know that being separated from him is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my entire life.  Worse than my childhood, worse than anything else I've endured.  Being away from him feels like death while I am still breathing, while I have to be alive.

I try so fucking hard to be strong.  Every single day I wake up and tell myself, "You'll get through this just like you did yesterday.  You are strong."  And I do get through each day.  I have to.  I am a mother and I have a job with important shit that I need to get done, and the people I work with on campus see me as being helpful and on the ball (how I manage that I have no idea) so I HAVE to keep going at work and at home.  I battle each and every day to NOT stop and buy vodka to numb my pain- I fucking hurt.  This HURTS.  I try to drink tea instead.  Tea is not quite the same as vodka but I am doing my best.

It is so so so challenging to try and stay sober when I ache this much!  I totally beg God to have mercy on me because I am only so strong, and I hurt so bad.

And I wish, constantly, that I could talk with my friend again. 

I do not hurt because I feel rejected or abandoned or unloved.  I hurt because I have not spoken with the man I love for over six months and I miss the FUCK out of him!  And I saw him for a few blissful hours last year and have barely spoken with him since.  Seeing him and kissing him and sharing love with him felt AMAZING.  This experience since then does not feel good.  I don't know what else to say.  I keep holding on.  Keep holding on telling myself to focus and know truth and stay honest but being unable to talk with him... it's like Hell.

I am in Hell right now.  And I don't like it.  It hurts.  It hurts so much that if I did not have a solid reason for being here I really might cut out early.  I am suffering.  I refuse to hide it or fake it or force happy.  Inside where it can't be seen I am totally fucking suffering.  I need help, and I don't mean "advice."  I need my situation to change for the better.  I'm doing the best I can but I ache so much and I really want my happiness and bliss back.  I want it to be like it was when James was here.

I wish I could talk to James.  I wish I could see his sweet face again.  I am on my fucking knees BEGGING God- begging.  PLEASE please help me, help me through this.  Help me CHANGE this for the better.  I cannot stop how I feel about James.  I love him dearly and I miss him with my entire heart.  What I would not give for an honest genuine conversation with the man I met and fell in love with.  Limbo does not work well for me.  James told me to accept that he loves me and wants me in his life.  And I do accept it.  I know he loves me.  But that does nothing to take away the pain of separation.  It does very little to ease my heart.  Because I MISS HIM.  And I wonder when I will hear from him next.  I wonder how long it will be before I get to hear from him or hear his voice or see his face or hug him.  NORMAL.  I want normal and real and honest truth.

Like I wrote in another post one of the only things I feel I can "control" is whether or not I stay in this.  So I choose to keep going even though I feel like I am dying inside.  I don't want to ever tell the universe "I can't do this" because I don't know what it will bring me.  I AM doing this- even though I am suffering.  And the only reason why I try is because of James.  He is the only reason, because he was so wonderful to me and I love him and I believe he still loves me.  I cannot give up on us.  He used to tell me "I believe in us" and I remember that.  I want us back together.

His memory does warm my heart.  It does.  But I am still sad.  Because his memory is a memory.  And I want more than a memory.  I want him back now.  Thinking of him feels bittersweet.  It is a good feeling but at the same time it aches deeply.

I hope James realizes that being away from him, not being able to talk with him or see him smile or know him like I did before, his friendly kind self, hurts beyond reason.  Being apart from him is what hurts.  And it is hard to stay sober when I hurt this much.  Know that it is the biggest challenge ever to a) want to stay alive when I feel like this and b) not drink alcohol every single fucking day in order to escape my feelings just a tiny bit.  I am trying hard to stay as balanced and I can and it is hard.  I am tense.  I ache because I miss James and I have a house full of people with two extra kids there and that gets overwhelming and I want to be a good happy person around all of the kids but I hurt like a fucking BITCH and... and add to all of that the fact that I am battling very very hard to stay as sober as I can which means absolutely no hard liquor, and staying sober when life is "okay" and normal can be a challenge when the predisposition is there to begin with but add in being FUCKING SAD and aching every day and THEN trying to be sober is its own kind of Hell, totally 100% harder.  I have to try so hard to be so strong.  And I really just want to talk to James.  I need some kind of contact; limbo is killing me. I cannot stand limbo.  The ongoing silence after HE reached out to me and told me to text him and then he called me and I KNOW he loves me- I KNOW it... I pray for some kind of contact.

Please.

I wish he could just come back and know me again, be my friend, be honest, be loving and kind like before.

I need him.  I don't love him because I need him.  I need him because I love him, and living like this- completely apart and not talking and not in contact at all- feels like I am living in my own private Hell.  I need him.  

Aching Love

I ache deeply today.  We had a good weekend.  Lots of fun was had.  But I want to share life with James.  And the fact that I hear nothing is so frustrating.  It is frustrating because it is not believable.  I need more.  I need something.  A discussion.  Truth.

I need truth.  I need to be able to talk with James openly and honestly.  I've never wanted something more than to talk with him transparently like we used to when things were normal.  When we used to be able to just get on the phone and talk like two normal people.  I wish we could do that again.  I've never wanted to talk to anyone more.

When I saw him last year he looked at me and said, "I do love talking to you."  I keep thinking of that because, yeah, I know he does.  He likes talking with me.  I'm nice to talk with.  We had wonderful talks.  Yes, it makes me nuts because we should be talking.  James and I should be able to talk with each other.  This situation frustrates me a lot.

And it aches because I miss him.  I can't stop thinking about him.  Kissing me.  Touching me.  Being naked with me.  Being inside me.  Tasting me.  Telling me how good I taste and touching me and making me feel so so good.  THIS IS MAKING ME GO OUT OF MY MIND.  Because I know- I know what I felt when he was here last.  I know how he looked at me.  I saw his love and desire.  I felt it.  He touched my face and held me to his chest and kissed me deeply.  I know James.  I know him.

You know what?  I don't like talking about "twin souls."  I want to be with my boyfriend again.  I want my sweet dear boyfriend back in my life.  I was so fucking happy to have that man be my boyfriend.  It made me grin from ear to ear and feel like I was 14 years-old again.  I felt like a kid, a happy kid.  I felt like I was with my most major crush, kissing and hugging and being together.  It was blissful and wonderful and the best time ever of my life.

And it is killing me now.  Life does not feel complete now that I've known such bliss and it is not here, and the absence of him is not "normal."  No discussion.  Nothing.  Here and gone, back and gone, here and there and then not.  I can't fucking do this and be "normal."  I HAVE to endure it no matter how challenging it is, and oh- this is Hell.  Being apart from James is Hell.

I want my sweet boyfriend back.  Anyone who says "twin souls" are not about romance or relationships are living in their own reality, not mine.  If that works for them then great but it does not work for me.  James and I had a relationship, a real-life loving caring intimate relationship.  We dated.  We held hands and kissed and went to dinner and made love.  Good love.  Like kissy naked exciting enthusiastic awesome love.  Real genuine love.  Good hard love.  He is an awesome lover, like soooo good.  And the thought, remembering, needing him, aching for him- it hurts really deeply.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I cry a lot.

I want my boyfriend back.  I want what we had before I ever heard the term "twin soul."  I knew about next to none of this before I met James.  NEVER crossed my mind when we dated.  Not once.  All I thought was he had to be another soul mate, and a strong one.

A lovely perfect wonderful gift of a soul mate.  A treasure.  But the whole twin soul dynamic was not part of my reality then.  I'd briefly read about it, laughingly little.  And ironically I read an article about it while I was on vacation in New Orleans in June 2013.  Then I met him online July 2013 and we met in person in August.  I never applied the idea to him.  It slipped my mind until after he was gone and then I was told he is my "soul twin." 

I want to go back to when he was here and we were a happy couple.  And we were.  A very happy couple.  We were so excited to see each other.  He would text me at 3PM and say, "Is it 4 yet?  I am anxious to see my love."  He called me his "love."  And he always told me he was so happy to have my as his girlfriend, that he finally found the one.

WE HAD SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER.  It was perfect.  Perfect feels good!  We felt good, and I know he did too.  He fell hard in love with me.  And he is sweet.  The most perfect boyfriend ever.

I want that back.  The boyfriend part.  The talking about getting married.  The making love with my legs wrapped around him looking into his eyes while he's looking back at me, blue eyes glowing.  Leaning down to kiss me, all entwined and loving and close and moaning and kissing and naked.  THAT is what I want.

I am so tired of "twin souls."  I just want my sweet loving boyfriend back in my life.

People talk about "mission."  And no I cannot speak for everyone so I won't but I will speak for myself.  My guidance always told me that James is my "mission."  That as a twin soul my twin is my mission.  I was told that three years ago.  I was told to make him my priority.  Like my son and James are the two things in my life I should put first.  I was told nothing else was more important.  Not helping others (although I do like to help) or some other "goal" outside of loving James and defending him, knowing he is a good person.  Always knowing truth about him, never doubting him.  Protecting him too.  And protecting a twin means never speaking ill of them.  No blame.  I know that is not always the easiest thing to do but it can be done.

I don't feel that we have these lofty personal missions.  I feel that when we are truly twin souls and we meet that other person and all of "this" happens then we are supposed to honor love.  Hold on.  I know it isn't easy but it is how I feel, and it is what I was shown.  And I love James.  I love him so much that it hurts.  IT HURTS to miss someone this much, and to ache for him and long for him.  But true love is worth it.  And I keep trying because I love him so very much.

I do miss him though.  If you read my blog you know this because I've shared it enough.  I ache for him.  I long to touch him and be touched by him.  His kisses are so amazing, and our first kiss was sexy and intense and so good- I need more kisses from him.  I need to see his beautiful face again, those eyes.  His smile.

This morning I talked with someone who sounded a lot like James.  A soft cute voice.  It made me smile but also choke up.  I was imagining talking with James.  That would be a fucking miracle, and a gift.  I miss him with everything inside of me.

Also a woman wrote to me from a twin soul group.  Oddly enough she wrote to me about crying.  Wailing, keening, totally surrendering in pain and ache, feeling the love, allowing the hurt.  She said that sometimes all we can do is cry and cry and beg God for help and ask the universe to please open the doors necessary for him to come back to me.  And sometimes I feel like that really is all I can do.  Feel the ache.  Cry, and I do cry.  Sometimes I don't cry.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes it hurts bad.  Remembering him... oh good Lord.  Remembering his kisses and how he would always touch my face and smile before moving our faces together so we could kiss.  And we'd kiss for hours.  We love kissing each other- and I know he still loves kissing me.  He told me.  He told me he thinks of my kisses and misses me.  He's told me I am the best kisser and he wants to kiss me for eternity.

We are good together.  I can't help but still think of myself as being his.  I only want him.  James.  He is who I want, and I miss my Love.  I miss him so very much.  I wish I could just hug him and hold him and kiss him and sit with him and touch his face and get naked and taste him and pleasure him and make love with him.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  I love him so much that I ache.

No I don't quite know what to do.  I try to be as happy as I can be.  I am not always happy.  People piss me off.  I wake up sad.  I have a house full of people and I don't feel my roommate helps enough and I don't know how to talk with her about it because I already did once.  My cat keeps shitting on the floor and it's pissing me off.  I am stressed out.  Sometimes I feel like I would like my house back to myself now but I also know I need to help my friend and be thankful for my blessings, and I am.  But I am... discontent.  My life is not how I want it to be.  I want to be married to James and have a family and be with him.  Together.  I want to be together with him.  With no answers and no contact and no discussion and no resolution- I have no clarity, no peace.  I do know he loves me but I need more.  I need my Love. 

I miss James so much.  I wish we were spending Valentine's Day together.  I wish I could hear from my Love.  This hurts so much, being away from him.  I miss his kisses.  I miss talking about Atheism and science and hearing about how much he loves golf and sharing 80s music videos back and forth.  I miss talking about our youth.  I miss hearing about Geology and the universe.  I miss our debates about religion and God.  I miss hearing him tell me he loves me more for my beliefs. 

What can I do, really?  Besides just feel it?  Maybe scream a little, which I do, mainly when I am in the car so no one can hear me.  Cry a lot.  Beg God.  Pray.  Hope.  Dream.  Remember.

I miss my sweet kind loving boyfriend, best man I ever met.  All I want is my sweet boyfriend back in my life.  I want what we had before I ever heard about twin souls!  That loving fun easy peaceful exciting sexy genuinely healthy relationship we started... I long to have that back.  I miss my honey with my entire heart.

xxoo Jen

Holding On

It is 4AM. I went to sleep pretty early. I had weird dreams. One was all about alligators. I was in the water, like scary dark Louisiana bayou (but it was more of a narrow river) at night water, and there were alligators all around me. But I was okay. The irony about that is when I used to watch "True Blood" I was always like "HELL no!" when someone would be swimming around in some deep South swampy dark watering hole. Like who in his right mind would do that with snakes and gators and God only knows what else hiding in there? So my dream was odd. I wonder what alligators in dreams signify. Careful so your ass don't get eaten!?

It's now 4AM. I wake thinking of James and this situation. I can't help but wonder when (trying to be positive here) I might see him again. I know to watch my words. See, there is this thing that happened a while back. It did not feel good at all. There is a lot I can forget but this one is harder to do that with yet it also works as a constant reminder to seriously watch what I say or inadvertently "ask for" with my words, deep thoughts or intentions. It forces me to be as aware as I can be. And I really do try to watch myself especially when it comes to this situation.

Discontent. I don't have what I dearly want in my life which is my romantic partner, my loving life mate, my "other half." And I really do want it to be James, like we talked about. Like he said he wanted. But I'm so antsy and "trying" to be okay "in the now" when really I often feel like shit. I do this "card of the day" program that sends me a message card every morning. Today it spoke of generosity. It says to ensure I spread generosity (I do what I can) and to accept it when it is given.

It makes me aware that I do help when I can like my friend and her kids living here with us. I donate and help here and there. I try to be conscious of being generous without any worry because I know I always have enough. I like to help other people. It also made me think of James. It said I might meet a kind generous person. He is a kind and generous person. James was very generous to me. Thougtful but more generous and giving than I expected or was used to. It was a lovely experience. I really did appreciate his kind gestures and how thoughtful he was with me. And PJ.

Waking at 4AM allows me ample time to think!! I miss James. And I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've kind of lost the desire to write for hours a day. I try to keep my thoughts as clear as possible. I'd love to find some really good books to read. I do try to focus my thoughts and do my version of meditation which is to write at least once a day. Focused energy. But beyond that I'm kind of antsy.

So I ask myself- what to do? Art helps a bit But even then I get bored. It is fun to create and make stuff and push myself to see what I can re-create or figure out but in the end I'm still discontent. I want to be hugging and kissing my Love. I want to be talking and laughing and texting and saying hello and looking forward to seeing each other. A huge important part of my life is missing right now.

Not quite sure what I'm meant to be doing right now. One thing I tell myself is at the very least I'm "alone." Like I don't date anyone else and I'm not tempted to. I don't want anyone else. I want James and for that reason I choose to stay alone. If I do get a man who asks me out I tell him I care for someone else. That is true. I want to be with the man I care about.

I look back and see where I made choices that brought me where I am today. I tell myself that right now maybe all I can do is "hold on." Not just wait. Staying as loving as I can. Looking forward to seeing James again but also very consciously holding on to him. I don't think I've done that consistently and maybe it affected this connection more than I know. So now even when I feel powerless I can at least know I'm choosing to keep my energy and focus to myself and my Love. Not on anyone else. That is me using my energy and intention too. "Holding on" is a choice. I suppose it is active not passive. I'm not explaining myself well. When you are in a situation where no amount of emailing or texting or reaching out by normal human means or even begging God seems to be exacting any change (that you can actually see) one can begin to feel frustrated. I KNOW the energy stuff shifts things. I know. But it often feels so "out of my hands" that I crave feeling more HUMAN than energy.

Kind of like... say I'm really hungry and I want pizza right now. The energy work feels like okay I'm hungry for pizza so I'm going to pray for pizza and focus on pizza and know pizza will one day come to me. Um, no. I'm either going to make a pizza or better yet go order a pizza from someone who is better at making pizzas than me. I'll have pizza by the time the night is through.

We all like being able to have what we want when we want it. And I currently don't have what I want. I feel like I wish I could do something "active" or something that makes me feel some kind of control... and really the only control I have right now is over my choices. I have the power to at least be able to say "Nope I don't want that." And "I'm still holding on to this." My choice.

Maybe that's close to all I can do right now, that and cry. I really want James to be the man in my life. I miss him and love him so much. I do remember him, how friendly and smiley he always was. I wish I could see his smile again. It might not feel like much but in a situation that feels like I can't do what humans normally do to resolve things I can at least keep holding on to what is dear to me. That is one thing I can do.

Seriously. There is only so much I can control. My thoughts as much as possible. My words. My choices. SOME of my emotions. I can eliminate the false emotions like rage or hate (there is no real good legitimate reason for those emotions so I should not allow them) but I cannot stop myself from feeling honestly what I feel, what I have a good honest reason to feel- heart ache. Sadness. Those are legitimate. I have a real reason to feel them. They are honest emotions and I can't not feel them. It is worthless for me to expend my previous energy fighting to control my heart!! So that is one thing I won't try and control, my love and strong ache for this man. I will use my energy to control what I feel I CAN control.

Like drinking alcohol. I'd rather cry my ass off and feel sad while using my energy to not drink. Strength. I can be strong enough to stay sober. I can be strong enough to hold on to what is dear to me. But there is no need to be "strong" in burying my sadness and ache and how much I miss a person I love.

Fun

My son and I are at a play land tonight. Silly mom. He had a doctor's appointment today so I took him out of school early. Got to his appointment but took him to the wrong location. Honest mistake. But we had the afternoon off together and he suggested we come here so we hit the Chinese buffet and then came to play. I've been on the bumper cars so many times I feel like I've lost a few brain cells. And we won on the race cars. So he is happy. And tomorrow we are "going on vacation" as he calls it because I booked us an overnight an hour away at a small indoor water park hotel.

Big fun. I need something. I need something to interrupt this terrible ache I deal with. I'm so tired of aching. I'm tired. Thankfully I have my child because we do have a lot of fun together. He is such a dear kid. Some of his friends ended up here too so he is having a blast.

I just wish James was with us. I'm so ready to have a full family not just me and PJ. We were good together and I know we still would be. I just really wish he was with us now. Now would be nice.

Or a conversation. Like people do. I either need to see him or have a real honest truthful conversation with him. It would feel wonderful to speak with James again.

So obviously if you have read my blog you know I love this man and believe we have some kind of energetic connection. Here I am wanting him, working to think good loving thoughts, being focused. And yesterday I got a message from some other man I know. It is so weird. I have not talked with him in over a year and when I last did it was brief. I have not seen him in a long time. It was always a mutual interest and attraction but the time was never right for us. Now he is single and lives not far from me.

But he is not my friend on FB. Meaning it's not like he saw something I posted that spurred him to contact me. Yesterday he said hello and asked how I'm doing. I was internally like "WTF!?" and I carefully answered, said hello and asked how he has been.

I also told any energies out there that I'm not interested in this guy. And he never replied back.

I think that is the weirdest shit. Says hi. Asks how I am. Says nothing more.

Why?

I'm trying to not be irritated yet it feels like a game. An exhausting game full of heart ache because I have this dude contacting me when I did not think of him at all. But I'm dying to hear from James.

We would have fun together. I'm a fun person to be around. I like to go fishing and get my hands dirty. I like to have a good time. I'm young-at-heart. I'm a fun mom (just ask my son) and I joke and laugh about farts, poop and burping. Oh, and I'll never act my age. Whatever that means.

I try to live a fun "happy" life but my God it feels incomplete. I'm so fortunate that my child is able to have a really fun happy childhood. I give him that. But I wish I felt fun and happy on the inside behind this smile I often don't feel but I plaster on my face anyway.

I have no alcohol at home. Thankfully. I'm ready to go home soon and get into bed. I might make some hot tea. I wish I knew why I get men like the guy yesterday who contact me when all I fucking want is to talk to James! It is so frustrating. I don't understand. Because I'm trying to keep my emotions on the "love scale" I'm working to avoid any anger or resentment so I don't want to let it anger me. I can only hope there is some good reason for it. Because it does not feel good to beg the universe for the opportunity to talk to the man I truly love and care about and then get someone I don't care to hear from (at all) contacting me. Unnerving. And you wonder why it is tempting to drink or why in the past I've felt like the universe is taunting me.

I need good dreams.

Jennifer

Connections

So I know they are like five of you who read my blog, lol. Thank you. And a huge thank you to the few of you who reach out to me when I'm feeling low. I appreciate your kindness so much!! Yes I do sometimes delete my posts later when I feel they don't need to linger. I'm human.

I'm also still struggling with drinking. I hate it. It sucks. I wish it was not an issue for me. I don't drink to where I get drunk or can't function. I'm sure there are people I know who drink more than I do. But any alcohol is not good for me because it swiftly and hugely alters my mood, and because I'm sad it only exacerbates my sorrow. So there is that. It is useless for me to drink. I know this.

It is something I have to keep battling. I get off work and I know I have the evening to get through and I'm so emotionally overwhelmed pretty much every day and drinking dulls things for a moment. It is tempting to take the edge off this ache even if just for a moment. But then the moment passes is a heartbeat and I'm left feeling shitty and more sad. I know this going into it.

I'm confused right now. I don't doubt that James loves me. I don't doubt that I have some type of soul or strong energetic connection with him. I DEFINITELY do not doubt that he is used to show me things about myself; knowing him has forced me to realize that I truly do "create" with the things I think, speak, write, etc. This connection has increased my awareness in that area.

Does not mean I'm perfect by any means. I'm here still trying to stay away from alcohol. I'm so irritated and frustrated that drinking is an issue for me because it basically only is an issue because I hurt so fucking bad. If I did not hurt then I would not have the stupid desire or temptation to drink some of my ache away.

And what can hurt even more is James knows my struggles. Clearly he knows. And normally when you love someone you stick around and help your loved ones and friends through the rough times or through an issue or weakness. It hurts that he is not in my life, like really in my life, to be my friend and confidant. Yes I'm blessed with other friends and a good support system. But it is different. There is a difference between having a good friend in my life and having my boyfriend/lover/male BFF knowing my weaknesses and still climbing into bed with me every night looking forward to kissing and cuddling and loving each other. I want that closeness and intimacy in my life.

This feels like it is killing me. It is such a challenge for me. I don't know what to do. I struggle just to feel good and stay sober.

My heart is aching. James and I talked about having a baby together. He said that in me he finally found the woman he wanted to have a child with. He said that he wanted to make love with me to make a baby, combine our DNA, and raise our child "with all of our love." And I know he meant those words. They haunt me. They haunt me because I want another baby SO BAD. And I want that child with James. He would be the most excellent father, step-father and husband.

I long to have all the things with him that we discussed together. I ache for that happy future and I feel I would be with him had I not had fears, worries, doubts. So it is really hard. I hurt very strongly inside. I yearn for James. Having him back in my arms last year was like a miracle but of course it makes me miss him even more.

He said he really liked my son and would like to be his step-dad. He was so adorable and sweet and good we were together. Why do you think I feel like this? Had James not been perfectly amazing then I would not feel like this!!! I would be able to let go or move on. But he is like irreplaceable because he is what I asked for. When you actually find your "dream come true" it changes you forever. He said he did not know how to be a dad but he could learn. I remember him standing there with me telling me he could teach my son science and help him with sports. He was so sweet to me. And caring about my child.

He was SO entirely wonderful when I knew him in "real life" that I know (despite any fear I've battled) that the James I spent time with, made love with, shared my thoughts with, kissed and hugged and laughed with, is truth. I hope that makes sense. I refuse to let fear steal my memories or truth from me. I refuse!! I KNOW him. I remember.

It makes me weep. My heart aches for James so much.

It is nearly impossible to explain but I know in my heart he would be here if he could. In his own way he let me know that. He knows my weaknesses and my challenges and I KNOW he loves me still. He does not judge me. I know he loves me "anyway." I will always believe that a "twin soul" or whatever he is to me cannot always say what they feel due to the mirror thing.

I'm not a pro at this. All I know is when my "Hell" began my guidance stepped in and told me James is my "soul twin" and told me to "look it up" so I did. I found twin souls. And we have a huge amount of the tendencies. But more than that is the experiences I've had with him.

And the love. I have never loved anyone like this before, this deeply. I know my life is forever changed. It is overwhelming.

He said we would get married on the beach and have sushi. Even after we "separated" or whatever you wanna call it we would end up on the phone and he would be the same cute loving sweet James I know he is. And I could hear the smile in his voice when he would say, "Sushi at our wedding right?"

OMFG. But still I could not get a solid grip on this situation or my fears. FEAR sucks. I let my fears take from me the best man I could ever even dream of meeting.

I partially keep this blog to try and help "newbies" NOT DO WHAT I DID. I hope that is clear. I KNOW how it feels. The terror and feeling like you suddenly are living in a not-quite-believeable nightmare. I knew from that start, after it shifted, that something was not "real." I just knew it. James is too good and sweet and kind.

But I also know that it tears you apart. And I hate thinking there are people going through this alone. Sometimes they find my blog and sometimes maybe it helps them. It helps to not feel alone when you are so afraid.

And hurting. Heart ache really hurts.

I'm not sure what to do, you know? I CRAVE communication with him. I can't lie or hide it. I want to hear from him or see him again so much!! I cry and cry and beg God and write and pray. But sometimes writing in my journal gets old. Writing private letters (even if I do know the energy is somehow communicated) is sometimes not enough. I want to talk to James. For real. I want to hear his voice and see his face or at the very least get some kind of REAL LIFE message from him where he sounds like James. Funny. Cute. CARING. Empathetic. Kind. James told me way more than once that he feels it is important to live life being empathetic and kind. I once asked him why is he so nice and kind? How did he turn out that way? It stuck out. He is different than many men I have met- hugely different. He sent me a video of "The Pale Blue Dot" by Carl Sagan and told me Carl Sagan was an influence on him in his youth. And Carl Sagan, if you know of him, has a super soft kind caring energy. Brilliant but kind. And that is how James is too.

I know the man I met and dated and fell in love with. I don't exactly know what a twin soul or twin flame is. I only know James shows me my good thoughts and my bad thoughts. Or should I say love and fear. He shows me my love and my fear. And he also is the walking embodiment of everything I ever wanted in a man. I'm not even kidding or being "romantic." It's fact. I had a LIST okay? I wrote it out. I knew what I wanted and deserved. I was specific. And he is all of what I asked for, perfectly. A gift.

I miss him.

I miss him.

Missing him aches so much.

I dreamed of a baby tonight. I think it was my son, my seven year-old but he was a baby in my dream. I think it was him but at any rate in my dream I had a baby. Was wonderful. I want another baby. I wish I was married to James and had a child with him.

You have no idea how I feel. I wish I knew what to do to change all this. I feel stuck. I ache. I wonder how James is doing. I wonder what his life is like. I wonder what he is doing at his job. I wonder how his golf game is, and his little dog he obviously loved so much. To ADORE a person SO much and be like this, wondering and praying, aching and longing, is beyond what I can control in my heart.

Hence why I write here. If I don't then I might totally lose my shit. Like all of it. I have come close to ending my life because I can BARELY TOLERATE the depth of what I feel. When it does not change and I don't know when I might hear his sweet voice or see his beautiful face and I ache and ache- the only thing I can do is feel it. Sit with the emotions and somehow deal with them. There is nothing else I can do. I can't shut it off.

I obviously can't drink it away.

So what can I do? Ask the MIB to come blinky it away with their memory-stealer thingy?? Call up Will Smith and ask him for a little help?

I can't forget. And I don't feel like I'm meant to move on. So here I am. And it hurts. I ache. I miss James so much. I love him. He is dear to me. He was so so good to me and we talked about having a wonderful life together. Being with him was a dream come true. I never expected all of this "twin soul" stuff. I only knew I'd met the most wonderful sweetheart of a man, this sexy smart funny scientist, and I fell completely in love with him and he spoke my every dream to me.

That is all I knew. At first.

I wish it could go back to then. I want all that back. Loving friends who talked for hours nearly every night. Or kissed until our lips were sore. Laughing. Smiling. Nuzzling noses and kissing more. I wish with all my heart to have that fun love and truth back with James.

I don't know. I'm doing the best I can. I really really would like to hurt no more and only be happy. I would like to know my loving friend again.

My heart goes out to anyone who is hurting. And to those going through a similar experience. I wish the human experience could be more love and happiness.

I'll know when I hear from the man I met who was so good to me. When I hear from James and he is kind and good and caring I'll then feel relief. I need truth. I need truth in order to have any fucking peace inside me.

xoxo Jen

A Way Out of Pain

I'm leaving this video in response to the comment left for me from "autumn lights." I watched this today and it helped me a lot.  I don't feel as bad for hurting, not as much as I did.  I think I'll have to watch it a few more times until it sinks in.  But at least I feel like Matt understands.  Not everyone can but he does. 

Yep, I hurt.  You know that if you have read any of my blog.  I've said that this is my one space to share how I feel because there are certain things we keep away from "real life" because when it comes to spirituality and awakening and "hearing guidance" and God forbid meeting a twin flame/twin soul one learns pretty quickly that you can't share this shit with everyone.  Most people won't get it so it's better to not say anything at all.  I learned that a while ago.  I don't share much of this, what I share here, with people in my "real life."  I am blessed to have a few close friends who understand me.

I am sensitive.  VERY.  Always have been.  And I love hard.  I love James a lot.  If you have not been in this type of energetic connection then you can't and won't understand how I feel.  To the person who wrote on my blog, if you have not been in a twin soul connection then you won't understand it either.  For anyone out there who feels like you are going crazy with the ache you feel, this is a really good video.

I love and miss James every day.  I will always think the best for him and I wish, hope and pray to see him again soon. 

Thanks,


Jen

Truth.

I feel like I'm going privately nuts. And I'll tell you why, and it will sound like a rant but it's not. It's my truth.

I KNOW James loves me. I know he does. Not because he told me a while back (he did tell me) but because I just know it. We fell super hard in love and that love never ended. There was no ended. Nothing ever went wrong. It was the most beautiful perfect fun happy enjoyable loving healthy relationship. It was a relationship anyone would adore. Both of us were very happy to be with each other. We were happy to meet one another. We were grateful that out of all the people in the world we managed to find each other and we ARE the perfect fit.

When James was here last year we were still a perfect fit. He made love to me. Sweet love. Kind caring love. It was not for his gratification. He took ample (very ample) time wanting to pleasure me. Being near him was pleasure enough for me but he made it clear that he enjoyed adoring my body and he wanted to love me in every way possible. I know this. I know this is truth. He didn't even want to finish inside of me because as he put it, he would have continued pleasuring me forever after he was finished.

That is a man showing me "I adore you." And it kills me. It kills me because I'm suffering without him. We should be together. I'm not so stupid or fearful to believe anything other than he adores me too. And misses me too. I know what I saw in his eyes and felt in him when he was here. Like he NEEDED me. Like he had waited a long time to be able to see me and he needed to be close with me. I know what I felt. I know he totally loves me. I remember a year earlier he had written and said "I HOPE and WISH to be intimate with you soon." I know he wanted to see me.

LOVE. Love. I know he loves me with all of his heart. I know he wants me to stick with this and not run off. And oh, I'm weary. I'm at my wit's end. It hurts being apart. We should be together. I know that is why he made sure to contact me and tell me he does love me and wants a life with me when he felt me ready to take off on him. And I was ready! This has not been easy! Seeing my fearful thoughts being given back to me through another human being, one I love more than life itself, has not been fun!! I was ready to give up and choose someone else. Because I didn't know what else to do. Because I was super hurting and needed human comfort. But James contacted me and I feel like in the only way he could he showed me some TRUTH. That he does love me and always has. That he wants me in his life.

I believe that. He told me I'm right. That he does love me. I KNOW I AM RIGHT. If I did not have a solid conviction do you think I would still be doing this? Hell no!! HELL no!! I only do this because our love is true. Real. Strong. And I have always felt, even at my darkest moments, that James actually only has love for me.

But I'm frustrated. We should be kissing. We should be kissing and laughing together. We should be walking together hand in hand through Chicago having a sweet easy fun wonderful time together. We should be freely sharing our thoughts with each other. We are good loving caring friends to each other and I would bet my life on the fact that this guy loves me and misses me as much as I do him. He should be in my life. I should be in his life.

I'm not patient. I don't care to be. Loving, tempered, kind- yes I want to be those things. But God knows me. Whatever energy created the "soul" part of my entirety knows what I am: I'm farrrr from passive or patient or a "waiter."  No fucking way. I'm more of a fighter. I'm persistent. And I always succeed in achieving what I really truly want in my life. I believe in having patience when it comes to dealing with people. Staying calm. As patient as possible, like with my son. But "patience" as in waiting around for something to happen? Hell no. That is not me. I'm the kind of person where if I wanted a baby and was having a hard time getting pregnant then I would be trying everything under the sun to help me get pregnant while putting my name on an adoption list and if in the end I ended up with two babies, one biological and one adopted, so be it. I do not believe at all in "waiting for something else to bring it to me" or being patient and waiting. Nope. I'm just so so so not passive in that way.

I will say one thing. In my life when I have really wanted something doors then open for me. I cannot deny giving credit to whatever makes that happen. When I dearly wanted to work where I am now, when I wanted to stop working in Chicago and get closer to home and especially I wanted a job where I work today, a door opened. My friend called and told me about a job posting. Man! I did not feel totally qualified but I worked my ass off on that application, cover letter and questionnaire. And near the end I also wrote a "letter to the universe" telling God why I should get the job. And finally after 6 months of a process I was hired.

But I still feel my energy and strong belief and desire helped make that happen. I've always been a passionate person. If I love something then I ADORE it. I'm all in 110%. And God knows I adore James.

I'm not saying we can force people to be with us if they don't want to. In my case James literally told me "I do love you. Accept that." He does love me. The love is there. And he means the world to me!! But I do badly want him in my life. Because I remember how wonderful it was to be with him. I remember how happy he was to be with me. He was always excited to see me. And he could not keep his hands off me. We were at the beginning of a super duper awesome love relationship. Beautiful and sweet. He was kind and generous. Duper thoughtful. Entirely perfect. A cute walking ball of Love. I look back at the time we spent together and I know that is our truth. That is real. He is a good kind man. And I miss him a lot. I miss waiting for him to get to my house so I could see his sweet smile and kiss him. I loved being with him, anticipated kissing him for hours.

Best. Kisses. Ever.

I know I've said this so many times but I love that James kissed me just because he enjoys my kisses. He did not kiss me because he was lusting after me to where the kisses were foreplay. The kisses were sweet and innocent and right. The kisses were enough for him, simply being with me was enough for him, until I was ready for more. That is a good man. That is What he showed me when we were together. Us together is based on strong love and that is what I believe and hold tight to.

The quiet isn't easy. I'm sad. I am so sad because I miss James and I don't know when I might hear from him again. Not knowing is Hellish for me... because I miss him. I want to explain something though- whether or not I hear from him I still know he loves me and he would like to be here. That is my truth. I know he has been my mirror. I know twin souls reflect hard. I know my focus was off for a long time and even now maybe my focus isn't 100% where it should be. I'm tired. I get tired of trying to work on my energy. But one thing I will declare forever is I know James loves me. He is a good man who treated me like a princess. He treated my son well too. He is a kind man. He is gentle and very thoughtful. He might not be here right now but you will NEVER ever find me saying that this silence is because of him. I know why all this happened. I don't like that it happened. I liked when he was here and in my life. The only parts of this journey I have enjoyed were any of the loving warm real honest moments connected with James. His sweet funny flirty cute loving self; I have loved those times. Those times are what I will remember and carry with me. He called me his future. He said he wants me to be his future. I feel that he still does. I'm trying. Can I make it? I surely hope so. But at the very least I know in my heart that this wonderful man loves me. Always has. I wish he was here. It was such a blessing and miracle to see him and kiss him and be held by him when I saw him last. I ache to have him back with me like that. Loving and close. Real. I wish I could just call him up and invite him over like I could with anyone else I know. It hurts realizing that it does not work that way. It is frustrating to have to accept that I don't have that kind of freedom or control in this one single connection I have. But the one thing I do have is the knowledge that he does love me. I cherish that love. I cherish him. I'll always wish he could be here. I'm human and I want what I want which is James naked in our bed every night for the rest of my life. I want how it was, him cuddling me after making love, pillow talk. Pillow talk, giggling and kissing until he wanted me again. Making more sweet love with him telling me "You're amazing." I can't forget those moments. We never came to an end. There was no reason to. We love each other and that love never changed. I'll always crave him. I'll always wish and hope to have him here with me. Sharing life. Having a family.

It is sad to me. James was sweet to my child. Not only did he show me love and affection but he respected me as a mother. That means as much to me as the kisses and lovemaking. He took my young son into consideration and was so considerate and caring. It makes my heart ache, those memories. To have someone so perfect in my life and then to lose that person- it is an ache beyond words. I wish James was with us. I just wish he was with us. There is no other man out there who would feel like him.

*sigh* There are other good people out there but I want James. I can only hope and pray that we connect soon. I miss him with my entire being. He is such a good guy.  I loved being with him. My dream come true. I'm not really sure what to do from here. I just love him. That's pretty easy to do.

Jennifer

Questions & Thoughts

Been an interesting few days. I've had to battle through this "feeling guilty for feeling sad" thing.  Thanks to a friend who sent me some videos that made me feel a lot better about how I am feeling.

It is a challenge to feel heartache and then on top of that ache feel guilty for feeling the ache.  I've had people on my blog write to me and tell me I am pathetic and all kinds of stuff because I miss James.  Because I experience sadness.  Well I have had no resolution with James.  It is hard to go through the cycles of grief, like the end of a relationship, when there has been no real ending.  When he contacted me months ago telling me he does love me and wants me in his life, when I KNOW he is a different type of connection with me, when I know I'm going through something I can't even clearly understand.  James was here last year and he hugged me and loved me.

How do I explain this?  How can I "let go" and move on and get past missing him when... he is still here, somewhere?  When I feel so strongly like I am not meant to give up or move on?  I've been told not to, I've had signs not to.  Even James asking me, more than once, "So you really haven't dated anyone?" tells me I am being told- I am not meant to run off.  Which means I'm alone and I miss the man I love most in the world.  So of course there is ache.  There is ache and love and happiness and good memories and tears and smiles and being thankful all mixed together at the same time.  There is not only sadness.  Sadness is like blue on an artist's palette mixed with other colors too, yellow maybe, and purple.  And the colors overlap and blend together- all existing at the same time.  We don't have to experience only one emotion at a time.  We can experience more than one.  I can feel thankful yet sad at the same time.  Or happy and sad.  And that is how I live my life right now.  My colorful palette is constantly shifting, colors come and go, but blue is a constant companion.  Blue never fully gets wiped away or used up.  Blue remains.  And right now I don't feel like blue is going anywhere.  Blue sometimes fades to light blue, almost a crystalline aqua, for a while.  But then something happens, a memory comes close, and light blue intensified into indigo, deepens, aching and powerful.

And I feel powerless right now to stop that shift from happening.  I can't help it.  I miss him.  I've had no resolution.  It's like in limbo, and limbo feels uncomfortable.  I am a woman who likes resolution!  And more than that, I love James and miss my friend and wish I could see him again.

Sometimes words... just won't cut the mustard, they are not sufficient.  Yet all I have right now are words.  Emotions inside of me that I try my best to transform into words on a page that express how I feel although how I feel cannot fully be expressed through words because words are limited.  You'd have to crawl into my heart in order to feel what I feel.  And then you'd better understand.  Some of you do understand.  You write to me and tell me that you feel similarly.  My heart goes out to you.  Words. I wish James was standing in front of me, reaching out to hug me.  No words really.  Just holding me.  I wish I could see his face again.  I wish I could see his smile again.  Eventually I'd love to talk with him, yes, but if I could have my choice of holding him and kissing him and smiling at him and touching his face and holding his hand and stripping him naked and pulling him close to make love... all things that can sufficiently be done with very little words but tons of love and truth and emotions, then I'd choose silence and kissing and touching and smiling over words.

I wish I could see him again.  I ache so deeply for him.  I miss his face, okay?  I miss his sweet dear kind smiling adorable face.  He is so cute to me, and I miss him.  I miss him because I am pretty sure I've kept him away, and I don't really know how to fix that or when I might see him again.  And not knowing when I might see him again is Hell when I want to see him RIGHT NOW.  I'd love to see him soon.  I'd love to sit next to him and have our legs touch and feel like I might explode just from that slight contact.  He makes me melt.  I love him and miss him more than I could ever imagine missing any other man.  He is perfect to me and I want my perfection back, my gift.

And then stuff like this happens, and I don't always know what to think.  I do my best, you know?  I was talking with my friend Teri about this today.  Teri is a really sweet loving lady.  There is this man at my work, John.  A while back we ended up at lunch at the same place so he asked to sit together and he told me he was actually going to ask me out to lunch that day so it was weird that we ended up at the same place.  Then he asked me if I'd ever like to go to dinner in the future.  Well, it is funny because no one from work has ever asked me out before and it was totally unexpected.  I didn't know what to say; I am not used to being asked out on dated.  I told him I don't date because I have feelings for someone else.  OMG the poor guy thought I was offended that he asked me!  He said he asked out someone else from work a long time ago and she acted disgusted with him.  That made me sad for him because he is a nice man.  He's not unattractive.  He is just a little different, and people tend to judge him.  They make fun of him, and I am not one to make fun of people.  He told me he wanted to pay for lunch and he said if I ever change my mind to let him know.  Thing is, I see John out here and there, more than anyone else from work.  I don't get it.  I saw him when I was out for breakfast with my son over Christmas.  My son has met John before, and John has seen him when he went to preschool here where I work.  I said hello to him then.  And then this past Monday I saw him again.  *sigh*  I did not have PJ for a few hours this past Monday so I decided to go to the arcade for a while to get out of the house.  I took my journal with me, planned on writing and playing Centipede.  I got up to use the washroom and on my way back who did I see?  John.  I of course said hello and we ended up sitting together talking for a while.  Then PJ's dad dropped him off at the arcade and we were all talking, and John asked to play some games together.  I played some pinball with him, and Frogger, lol.  And we laughed and got along well.  He is a good, nice kind man.  Honestly if I was not going through this with James I would probably go out with him just to see.  You never really know until you know a person.  He insisted on buying me a beer and I could tell he was really trying to be super nice to me.  And I can't lie- it felt nice.  It felt nice to play pinball and laugh.  I don't laugh much.  My son makes me laugh.  But it felt nice.

And it felt a little uncomfortable because it felt nice!  Because of James.  John was leaving and said we should do this again some night... and I just kind of smiled and told him to have a good night, drive safely.  And then shook my head wondering... why?  Why do I keep seeing this guy?  What does it mean, if anything?  Coincidence?  WHAT?!

I will tell you honestly why it is unnerving.  Because I ask myself- what is the status?  Where is this thing with James?  Is it over?  Am I being shown to move on to someone else?  Is God putting someone else, quite possibly a really kind man, in my face to tell me, hey... it was a good run but it is time to move on.  I get scared thinking that is it, and I don't know what to do.  It makes me scared.  It makes me scared because the thought of not seeing James again terrifies me.  It is the most tragic thought EVER.  He's meant so much to me!  He is totally precious to me in every way.  He was here and held me and made love to me and he told me he loves me... and I HAVE to see him again, have to see his face and his smile and hear his voice.  I have to. I just have to.  I feel like I am still his in some way, and I feel like he does love me.  We have to see each other again. I can't even fathom it being any other way.  So when something like this happens I tell God (or the universe or whatever) "Hey- I can't help that it feels kinda nice to sit and talk with this friendly man but PLEASE, the one I want is James.  Please I want James."  I want James, not anyone else!

But it would be really nice to have some indication about James.  Some word, please. Dear Lord please.

So I talked with Teri about this today.  She works with me, and she knows how I feel about James.  I told her why I think I am meant to focus on James and not be with anyone else, even if someone else is almost like "presented" to me.  I've had other men pop up who would be nice to date, good men, kind and polite who want to know me better and I am pretty sure I was not meant to get any closer to them.  So why would this be different?

But why does it happen?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is an opportunity to choose what I really want instead of moving away from it?  Perseverance?  Showing "God" I really mean what I say?  I don't know!  I don't know but I am weary.  I am telling God PLEASE, please I want James now.  I miss James.  I did not ask for John to be out on Monday, and I clearly was not going to blow him off (I think he knows that some people make fun of him and stuff) because dear Lord I don't want to be rude to the guy.  But I am also telling God, ENOUGH.  NO more.  I've seen him at work this week and I was friendly but I consciously tell the universe I am keeping my energy pulled back, intentions are that I want James.

I really want James to be the person I sit and talk with, or laugh and play video games together.  Do you have any idea how much I'd LOVE to play video games with him, cracking up and having a great fun time together?  OMG it makes me weep!  I am crying as I fucking type this!  I want that so much!  I want HIM to be my ONE.  The one I hang out with and love and have fun with.  Spend time with.

I HURT SO BAD.  I miss him so much!  I told God if John asks me out I'll have to tell him no again so please, just no.  No.

I wish I had some real life honest indication of the future of this situation.  I wish I had some clarity, some real hope.  I do appreciate signs, I do, but I wish I could hear from James now.  I wish I could see him again.  I wish we could have a real honest conversation!!!  Easy, honest, peaceful, normal.  Like humans do.  It's so easy.  But I want that with James.  I want to talk with him, to know him as my friend again, my friend I can talk with and laugh with and share with.

I want our kisses back.  Like when he was here last spring.  He kissed me.  He kissed my breathless.  He told me he liked my galaxy tights and then asked me if we could take them off.  He wanted me.  He loves me.  I felt his total love and desire and need, like he hadn't seen me in ages although he'd wanted to.  I KNOW WHAT I FELT IN HIM.  We are supposed to be kissing and holding each other, for the love of all things holy this is killing me.  I know what I felt in him.  I know what I saw in his eyes, that he felt like I did.  I miss him so dearly.  I miss my love. 

Teri said I have a "conviction" when it comes to my love for James, and I told her that yes she is right.  And she understands.  I still feel like he loves me and is meant to be with me.

Listen, I don't mean to "commiserate" here or share my "misery" or anything like that.  My love for James does not feel like low-energy.  Neither does my sadness.  My sadness is born of a deep love for another human being, and I don't think that is negative.  I wish it were different.  I wish it was bliss again, like before.  I would much rather be sitting with him on my couch, him holding me and kissing me for hours instead of me sitting here on a blog writing about it.  Believe me.  I know the moment I'd hear from him, where he sounds like James again, that my ache and pain would be alleviated.  The times when we have reconnected and it has been truth- those times have been extreme bliss for me, over the fucking moon, dancing on air- my love, my love.  The times when he has reached out me and we'd talk, OMG, it felt like... a dream.  I'd have to pinch myself.  Hearing his voice, just that alone, is like worth more than a million dollars to me.  I am so not kidding.  If someone told me I have a choice between talking with James or getting a million dollars, tax free, I'd be dialing his phone number in a heartbeat.  There is nothing I want more in the entire world than him.  Oh. My God.  It is so hard to not freak out.  I am so in love with this man and I miss him with my entire heart.  It is always so so so amazing to hear from him, to share laughs, to hear his soft gentle sexy voice.  Ugh, James' voice... does things to me, good good things.  It was always a gift to hear from him.  It was a gift to see him last year.  Knowing him brings me so much happiness.

I miss that feeling to no end.  And no one else does it for me but him.  One honest word from James and life feels bright and right again, like it should be.  But without him, I can't help it, that bliss is gone.  He is my bliss.  He is my "rapture."  With him feels like Heaven but us apart like this with no word, no hearing his sweet loving voice or seeing his sexy cute handsome face, feels like... enduring instead of not enjoying life.  And yeah that kinda sucks.  I am a smart strong woman.  I've read alllllll the teachings that say happiness comes from within, yeah yeah yeah.  That all goes out the window after you've met the one who was made for you.  Everything I ever asked for came to me with James, my every dream come true.  His is my happy ending.  He is everything I ever dreamed of in a man, and it is impossible for me to "get over" him.  And yes being without him feels really sad and blue to me.  Like a really wonderful important part of my life is missing, or like I was given the best gift ever, a total treasure, and I somehow lost it, and I won't be settled until I find it again.

I am discontent.  That is how I feel, and I refuse to feel guilty anymore for how I feel so please, don't write to me telling me to feel differently.  If you do I will totally delete your message and pay it no attention.  Please respect my wishes.

I woke at 1:41 AM last night, for no apparent reason except I did see that video about loving yourself when in pain, and that did help me although I had crazy-ass dreams when I tried to get back to sleep.  I don't feel well.  Seriously.  I wish so much to see James again.  I wish I knew what to do in order to make that happen, to allow him here.  I think back to last year and how OMG wonderful it was to see his face again.  His eyes are so blue and beautiful.  His smile is adorable.  Everything about him makes me fall in love with him more and more.  I want to see him so badly.  I miss him.  I want to hug him tightly.  I want to look into his eyes.  It's kind of a challenge right now, how much I miss this man.  And I feel like all I can do is pray, do my focus stuff, and maybe be easy on myself, not feel bad for aching, not feel guilty for expressing myself.  Love myself too.

Well, TFIG.  *sniff*  I miss him so much.  I just want to go home and cry for a while.

I really wish I could hug James.  He would feel so good in my arms.  I miss my love so much.

Jennifer